I AM FORBIDDEN

In I Am Forbidden by Anouk Markovits the characters of  Mila and Josef would understand how I feel about having a family.  I want a baby and there isn't much I wouldn't do to get pregnant.  I am infertile. I've done the whole infertility journey with IVF, IUI, HSG, SIS, SA, and the abbreviations go on from there.  This book really brought home to me that because of my religion I am more free to pursue infertility treatments than others that are held to their bond by their religious beliefs.

I can remember back to when I first found out I would have trouble conceiving a child.  It was 1995 and I was married for the first time and living at Fort Hood in Texas.  I was young and naive enough to think that if I just had sex when I ovulated everything would work out on its own.  Well I didn't know back then what I know now.  Its not that easy for some of us.

My ex had bad sperm.  I ovulated early.  He and I managed to conceive just once on clomid and it was a twin pregnancy of which I miscarried just before the first trimester was completed. 

Fast forward to the present day.  I've now gone through many  infertility treatments and have achieved four pregnancies.  None have produced a viable offspring.

I know how Mila feels when she sees all those swelling bellies and women pushing prams.  I feel the same longing and jealousy.  I think, "why not me?".

I have struggled now for 16 years to have a child.  My time is almost up.  The endometriosis has claimed more than one pregnancy.   I feel the frustration that Josef felt before his wife became pregnant from a tryst.  I too wonder if I'll ever have a child to pass on my lineage.  I'm thinking for me there are no more options.

As my own journey draws to an end I find that I have learned a lot about myself .  I have learned just how far I'll go to have a child.  I have learned that I won't always listen to my doctors but I will still do what I feel is best for me especially when they wanted me to give up years ago.  I would have given my own life in order to bring a child of my own into this world.

 This post is inspired by I AM FORBIDDEN by Anouk Markovits. Though not sisters by blood but through their Hasidic faith, Mila and Atara views the rules and structure of their culture differently. Mila seeks comfort in the Torah while Atara searches for answers in secular literature she is forbidden to read. Ultimately each must make an irrevocable decision that will change their lives forever. Join From Left to Write on May 8 as we discuss I AM FORBIDDEN. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.