Feeling Ignored

I'm feeling rather ignored of late.  Oh I could go into the depths of my mind and dredge up possible self-deprecating reasons why I feel like I am and should be ignored but I'm not going to go there.

But its true, the facts are there, I'm being ignored.  Well how do I know?

About ten days ago I sent my spouse an email, a forwarded email full of information he needs to know for his job.  Now how do I know what he needs to know being that I'm only the wife of the soldier?  Well its because of my FRG.  Had my husband read the email I sent to him, listing what it was for in the headline he would have known this past Tuesday, yes yesterday, that he had to be somewhere important at a certain time. 

So I called him, he was in a hurry and wanted to know what I wanted to tell him.  I asked him where he was.  He told me where he was headed.  So I asked him if he was surprised that he had to be there, and of course he was surprised.  I then mentioned to him that I knew where he had to go and that if only he had read the email I had forwarded to him he would have been prepared.  I'm a Point Of Contact for my Family Readiness Group.  I often have the information that he needs to know but alas he ignores me.

Today, case in point, he goes online at work.  He responds to a friend's email on a social networking site photo through his email.  I found out about it as it was in my feed.  I called him up and asked him why he'll respond to a friend's email on a photo that is really, well, ridiculous, but then not respond or read my emails.  He said I was right that he isn't paying proper attention to me.

Well its nice to hear but how will he fix it.  I really don't like his manners when he gets home.  When he arrives home late I still will sit with him and chat with him while he eats dinner.  Sometimes I even make him his dinner depending on when he gets home.  Hey, its just the two of us so don't even think about judging me on  my domestic skills with my handicaps.  So back to his bad manners.  It amounts to me only getting about 15 minutes of his attention in a single night or even the weekend of late.  He is always too busy for me, but some how he has time for his friends?

"So am I chopped liver?"  I told him that very thing on the phone this morning.

 I then said. "You are treating me like a Kleenex to be used and tossed aside.".

He then said to me, "Not a Kleenex, more like a hankie."

I said, "Excuse me, how is that better?".

So he is going to come home for lunch if at all possible and we are going to work on us for hopefully a bit more than 15 minutes.  He realizes fully that he has been pushing me aside and using me when he has need of me.  I want more.  I deserve better treatment.  This babe is not going to be left in the corner!

Oh and I know I'm not the only wife or Army Wife out there that has to deal with the same type of bad manners from the spouse.  We often feel neglected, and alas its to be expected considering the type of work our men in uniform do.  We clean up after them and smile as we sit on the side lines while they get the medals they worked hard to earn.  There are days I feel like a dog at the table of affection and love begging for scraps.

Healing The Hurts

It seems as though J and I are going through the 5 stages of grief at different times.  He is seeing a counselor, one that I now refuse to see because the man only takes my husband's side, the soldier's point of view.

I think I've mentioned before that my husband and I go to marriage counseling to make sure that we stay on the right track.  Well with trying to conceive it has become a necessary part of our communications.  However, this former chaplain, is not helping matters.  I realize that because my husband is a soldier he has be protected and come first, but I feel as though my medical conditions should also be put as a high priority too.  This counselor does not try to understand me and likes to cut me off when I'm trying to make a point.  I'm done with this former chaplain.  I have my own counselor who I'll be seeing again later this month.  I can always move our marriage counseling to another person and I think we've decided to do just that as of last night.

Communication at times is lacking in relationships.  Its a necessary thing if one wants to receive what they most desire.  Mind reading is not an option.  In the last few months I've had more sit down, evening discussions with my husband than most couples have in a year's time.

I need to know where we are headed and if we are on the right path.  I don't want to become pushy just so that I know that I'm getting what I want.  I just want to remain in control of my own life without someone else trying to control it for me.  I'm willing to take a back seat, and usually I do, to make sure that we are doing what he needs to get him back on the right path.  My spouse is a bit of a loner.  He wanders off into the darkness on his own path way too often forgetting about obligations to the family time in pursuit of his own desires to be alone.  Okay so we all need a bit of selfish alone time to heal our own wounds but seriously I'm getting tired of yanking him back on the path.

My husband is a wonderful guy that is sweet, and sensitive, and pig headed, and obnoxious, and well a man!  Not that any of it is a bad thing but at the wrong time it can be.  Right now I need that sweet and sensitive guy to hold me while I cry about the miscarriage.  I've yet to have him do that.  I want my time to grieve.

Because I'm unable to let loose fully right now with him I'm stuck often in denial and anger.  When I first started to bleed I did the bargaining.  I knew what was happening.  I prayed to every god I could think of with the hopes that one would hear me.  Sometimes things just happen that I have to accept.  The depression is now hitting me.  I'm not in my happy place. I have hope that because the next IVF cycle isn't that far off, January is the retrieval and transfer  but the medications start much earlier, I'll be in a better mood knowing that a baby is once again a real possibility for us.

Denial             check
Anger             check 
Bargaining       check
Depression      check
Acceptance     getting there

Its A Girl Thing

A sign from the caboose we stayed in this Summer.  Photo by me of course.

Its a girl thing.  Today I dyed my hair.  I've been going grey, or should I say silver, since I was sixteen.  Today I took care of that little problem.  I think its more of a girly thing than a manly thing as most guys, well at least the ones I know, could care less if their hair is going grey as long it is still there.

It always makes me feel better about myself if I dye my hair.  Once a week I'll give myself a manicure, pedicure, and a facial, along with the normal shaving routine at home.  I've only been to a spa once.

I think clearer, have better ideas and just seem to function better when I take care of my girly needs.  I get to thinking about all sorts of things.  Today I thought about my family.  Family really is everything.  Family is your complaint department whether you are complaining about them or to them.  If you are lucky, like me, you'll have a close network of friends that are closer than your own family.  I still try to keep connect with my parents and sibling.

Two out of the blue phone calls yesterday from family reminded of how far away I am from them and not just the physical distance.  I have issues with my own family.  Sure some of it can be attributed to the whole "its not fair" issue that most of us go through growing up with siblings.  Some of my issues stem from abuse, holding grudges; not so much by me but by other family members though there are some slights I still feel from a few.  Maybe its called growing pains for a good reason.  I do think that the transition of eighteen years with any given family could go much smoother than it does with some outside help, but that is the adult in me rationalizing.

So with olive branch extended I made two phone calls today.  I even send two emails.  I'm trying to get our family back together.  Not all that happened to cause the rift was my fault alone, I had some help with that rift from my ex.  No one likes to choose sides, especially when forced to do so.

I don't come from a family that communicates their needs and wants in a respectful manner.  Most of the time its fighting dirty and spreading rumors.  All of us need to learn that things said can be misconstrued, taken out of context and used against us, or just plain hurtful if not said correctly.  I'm no angel with communication.

Over the years, with therapy and college I've learned to be a better communicator.  Yesterday's marriage counseling session went quite well.  I have no problems with my spouse that can't be settled with a little bit of smart dialogue.  Most men are in their logical side of the brain while we women bounce around on both the emotional and logical side.  We anticipate.  We are compassionate.  We get our feelings hurt way too often.  Its a girl thing.

My husband and I are on the path together now.  We are setting goals.  We are going to sign a Love Contract.  We will negotiate, as needed with him not always being able to be around.  Army Life has its drawbacks along with its perks.  Our bonds are stronger now.  All is good.

Now if only I can apply what I've learned, over the years, to the family I left behind.  I have one sibling, an older brother.  He is a survivor, just as much as I am, of a  not so perfect childhood.  Its time we had our "sit down" as adults and see if we can mend the hurts.  This isn't going to be easy.  There is no cure all.  Its about more than broken toys, gossip, rumors, and physical hurts.  This is finding out who we are as adults.  I agreed with him when he said I don't know him now.  I don't.  But I'd like to change that detail.

I've done my part.  I've tried to contact him yet again.  We'll see where this goes.

Wish me luck.

Remind me to be the mature, loving, understanding person that I know I am with my friends.