Miscarriage of a Non-Pregnancy

I started bleeding on Friday.
By Saturday it was so heavy I thought I'd pass out.
Today it isn't much better.

Well timed for a four day weekend where I should be out celebrating.

Oh and let's add in some insult to how I'm feeling by some extra pain.  My left knee doesn't want to bend without giving me maximum pain.  I've been applying my NSAID gel (Votaren Gel) to the knee.

If some of you have noticed that I no longer have ads on my blog it is because Google decided to suspend then cancel my account.  All those wonderful spammers have ruined my earning potential.  Yes, I appealed the decision but to no avail.  I even added back on the captcha which annoys me to know end.

Right now I'm in a dark place with the pain.  The pain of miscarriage of a non-pregnancy, we all know there were embryos in there which means I was pregnant but tell that to my Army doctors will you!  The pain of the adenomyosis as the endometriosis in my body decides to bleed out right now too.  The pain of my arthritis in my knee.  But still I'm trying to live life and not stay in bed.  Today I'm forcing myself to do laundry which, unfortunately means kneeling in front of the dryer to remove clothing. It could be a lot worse I have to remind myself.

24 Hours Makes A Big Difference

I woke up in pain.  A lot of pain.  Pain in my pelvis.  I knew without a doubt that I had just lost this pregnancy too.

Walking slowly into the bathroom I took the HPT and it was negative.  Yesterday's joy was gone.

I kind of knew the positive result wouldn't be long lived.  The nightmares had started before I woke up in pain.  Before my period starts I always get nightmares.  The PTSD nightmares.

Sure enough I'm bleeding.  It is a full bleed too.


I guess waking up to a dislocated finger on Friday morning wasn't enough for me to have over a weekend.  I have no clue just how I dislocated the finger but with hypermobile joints, fibromyalgia and a TBI it isn't likely that I would remember how I did the event that left my finger in pain.  I taped the ring finger on the right hand to the middle finger next to it.  I've done this before.  If the pain and swelling aren't less by tomorrow I'll call my PCM.  Right now to let the middle finger not be so stiff I have it freed from the tape.


The sinus infection is raging enough that I've woken up with broken capillaries on my left facial cheek, pain in the maxillary sinuses now too.  It was just located to the Ethimoid ,Sphenoid, and Frontal sinuses.  I guess the Maxillary sinuses got jealous and wanted in on the game?

Suffice it to say I ache.    I'm bleeding from my nose and vagina.  Not sure which end needs the feminine product more.  (trying for a little humor)

I'm not going to dwell on the chemical pregnancy or the horrible pain of this miscarriage either.  I have endometriosis and I really didn't expect it to be much different because it does affect my egg quality.  J and I will do one more natural cycle with some hope since we have time before we go on to the donor egg appointment in March.  Really what is $200 for an IUI when we will be spending just under $19,000.00 for the donor eggs not including the medicine?

I have yet to read or post the comments from everyone from yesterday.  I'll get to that next.  For now housework calls.  I'll work through this pain like I normally do.  Hey, I was scrubbing the utility room floor on Friday with a scrub brush on my knees with my finger disjointed.  I think I can take the pelvic pain. 



P.S.
Sorry to anyone that I haven't been commenting on your blogs as often this past week.  My wireless router had issues and had to be removed from the computer.  Time to go buy a new one.

So Much Pain Out There

I'm so sorry so many of us are experiencing pain right now.

Lauren at Not Just An Army Wife got a BFN on her IVF.

Irrationalexuberance at So Much For Simple And Easy is losing her baby.

Journey With Endometriosis is losing her baby.

Why does life have to suck so much?  When you get the chance, please go visit their blogs and give them some support.

As for me, I'm still in pain.  Nothing new there.  I'll probably try to get an appointment this week with RE again if not it will be the ER.

Finding Some Hope In Job

I didn't go to church yesterday.  I slept until 1100 hrs.  I've been really tired.  I was up at various times throughout Saturday night into the wee hours of Sunday morning.  At 0500 hrs on Sunday morning I reached for my bible.  No I'm not a religious person.  I am more spiritual than anything.

Deciding to read a chapter from the book of Job really helped.  Job knows what its like to lose everything and still have faith.  Right now it feels like I'm losing everything.

In the past few months I've had heart ache from repeat miscarriages.

I've lost my health to the point that at times I think I should just give up and let them hospitalize me and run all those blasted tests.

I've lost my close connection to my spouse with these fertility treatments.

Now I have to begin to find my way back to a more normal life.  My faith may just be the only thing that gets me through the rough patches.

I'm just so tired.  I wish it were only depression.  Come 1400 hrs I'm yawning with fatigue.  Probably from trying to do way too much in one day.  I keep forgetting that my doctors have told me to take it easy on myself.  I keep trying to be just like any other healthy gal my age.  I don't like to think about my limitations.  I feel like a wuss if I stop and nap, or even rest.  My job is at home and taking care of that home.  If I can't take care of my home then am I of use?  I have worth, just not much use since my infertility had made being a mom next to impossible.  Most Army Wives my age have a brood of children, work from home or away from it, volunteer, and still find time to be close to their spouse.  I'm not sure how they do it.

So this is where I find myself today.  I have some hope when I read the book of Job.  If he can make it I think I just might be able to as well.

What A Mess We Have

This is my laundry room or as its now known as J's staging area for his gear.  Right now its in limbo.  Half the gear was packed ready to go when his deployment orders got rescinded.  The other half was just sitting here taking up laundry room floor space.

Now we are back to waiting again; which is a good thing I guess.  This means more time to try to create a baby.  Bad thing is not knowing how long before orders are cut again.

Currently he is listed as non-deployable but we were told face-to-face in our meeting that it could change in a month, days, or weeks.  In the meantime his injuries, though minor will have time heal.  His back strain and thigh strain he got early this month will have time to heal.  The holes in his jaw from having his wisdom teeth pulled this month will have time to heal.  I don't think I'd want to fly with jaw pain.

J wanted to go.  He will probably still go once his body and mind are in the right order to go.  Dealing with so many pregnancy losses has hurt us.  I don't want him to go but I know that he has to go.  So yes, I'm going to take advantage of him being able to be here for a bit longer.  More counseling sessions should put us where we need to be once again.

Oh and I'm going to work my butt off on not gaining any more weight from stress eating.  If I kept on this path with the "when do you go" eating style I'd be a lot heavier by the time he does leave.  So far I gained 10 pounds in a month.  I started back on my diet on Monday and as of today I've lost 3 pounds.  I have to live for me too.  This means taking care of me so that he doesn't worry so much.

Now back to my laundry room to try to find a place to set up a drying rack.

12 dpo, Nothing Yet

I'm still here waiting.  I'm going to be waiting for a long time too.  I'm waiting for lab results on the gluten, I'm waiting for the HPT to hopefully show two lines though I do have my doubts and I'm still waiting for the orders to come in which will separate me from my spouse for who the heck knows how long this time.

Last night the stress of everything got to be a bit too much and I started with chest pains.  Yeah, so not fun. I like to plan.  Right now I can't do a thing but sit there and wait staring out the window or finding something to numb my mind.  I can't make a grocery list of things to buy for J to pack up.  Things that I know he'll need like an all-in-one body wash because I don't know when he has to pack out and leave.  I don't even know if he'll be going to an area where they have real showers.  Our Exchange sells dry shampoo for a reason.

On the fertility front, its now cycle day 22 and I'm 12 days past ovulation.  Usually I would have shown a faint second line by now.   I normally run a 25-28 day cycle so I still have time to show one way or the other.  Oh and I'm damn well scared that I might actually be pregnant and have to go this alone considering we all know that I'll be on bed rest with my hypertension and with no one around that can be at my beck and call.  Well okay its not like J would have been at my beck and call but if something went wrong he would have only been four miles away not thousands of miles away like he will be now.

Can you believe that within a half hour of starting the endometrin I had cramping and really bad nausea?  I never had it that bad before.  I was shaking, cold and felt like I was going to hurl.  When I used it last IVF I must have transitioned from one hormone to the endometrin without much of a second glance because I really don't remember shaking, being cold or wanting to hug the toilet.  A bit of nausea last cycle but not like this.  Anyhow the endometrin slime has started again.  In a few days I'll know if I have to continue with this or if this natural cycle of two follicles on the left ovary failed me.  I realize that at my age my eggs are pretty much rotten, still its nice to know that I can ovulate on my own.

While J is deployed I'll be coming to grips with the fact that I will never have a biological child of my own if this cycle has failed.  We will be deciding on the egg donor route or none at all and just closing up shop.  I need time to grieve for the three recent miscarriages and the one I had years ago.  I just need time to re-evaluate where I'm going in life and see where I should go from here.

I Can Tell Its Monday

I'm fatter than last week by two pounds and I'm totally exhausted.  It seems that not enough sleep on Saturday night caused my metabolism to crash.  I went into fat storage mode.

I also fell asleep in the tub last night.  That just isn't good.  I would jerk awake because I was afraid of drowning only to fall asleep again.  I put my book outside of the tub and just decided to soak.  That was stupid as I slid down more in the tub and well you can see where it could lead to.  I got out before my normal time of a 30 minute soak.

I'm still cranky.  I did test this morning and it was negative.  I'm just fat and getting ready to cycle again.  Its only CD20 but still I don't feel like this natural cycle with two of my own eggs was a success.  I know the odds were against me anyway to begin with.  So from here on out I'm going to attribute the symptoms to PMS.

I called Tricare and scheduled my re-entry appointment into the gastroenterologist office.  I have to bring my driver's schedule with me and a complete list of my medicines too.  Fun part is going to be trying to figure out who will be my driver.  I don't even know if J will still be here for my scoping let alone the initial interview which is late next month.

I also called the Respite Care EFMP ACS coordinator and left her a message explaining that I just got my summary sheet on Friday so that there is no way that they could have denied me without the application being properly supported with the data.  I'll probably get a call from her by the end of the week.

Next call was to the REI clinic.  Nurse N called me back just now and asked why I wanted the CD 21 test.  She is going to ask Dr.C. if he feels its necessary since Dr. B. is out today.  They were all quite surprised that I ovulated on my own and two eggs at that.  Nurse N did ask if I had a reason why I wanted the test and I explained to her that Maj D (an RE doctor of my past) said that the reason why I miscarried the twins in 1996 was due to low progesterone and poorly functioning corpus luteul cysts.  Back then I had ovulated two eggs,one from each ovary.  So Nurse N will get back to me.  She knows that I still have endometrium and PIO here at home and said I would be put back on it if the test showed anything.   However, she said that they didn't believe that the tests were all that definitive for showing that a possible pregnancy might need support.  I told her that I realize that its still too early to have a valid home test here, negative or positive.

So this is where I sit.  I'm in limbo on all grounds.  I wish I had a set of orders with a deployment date rather than just the fact that J knows he is on the list.  He could leave in a week or 2 months.  I just wish I knew when!  I'm guessing though that he is going to get screwed out of his block leave, which means no vacation together for us.

Second load of laundry is in the washer and I'd better go check it because it got way too quiet.  Old machine from 1995.

PCM Appointment and Ponderings

Sedimentary deposits on the access road to Pacific Beach.  Photo by me.

First off the PCM appointment went well.  Dr. G. listened well to me and decided to do the blood work though he too thinks that without a doubt I at least have an allergy to gluten.  He isn't sure that the blood work will show much as the test has to be done, according to his computer, after I've been eating gluten for a month straight.  He didn't want me sick for that long so he had the blood drawn yesterday.

Funny thing was that even though I've ditched my asthma medicines completely the wheezing has cleared up on its own.  Dr.G. said, "I don't know what you've been using to clear it up but its gone and whatever you've been doing keep it up.".  Interesting.  Maybe it was the vacation to the ocean?  Since then my breathing has gotten better.  I also have a new referral to Gastroenterology in the computer and will be able to call and book my appointment some time next week after its been approved for an available opening.

Now for my ponderings.

I can't figure out why they are deploying J.  He was told he wasn't going to be on the list.  He's on the list.  I wonder if its because I miscarried again.  I mean how is that nice to take away my spouse when we are both still grieving?

This third loss is tearing us both up.  I urged J to make sure he tries to get an appointment to talk to a counselor about the grief.  Seriously I have my own psychologist and we see a marriage counselor but J has no outlet and I've seen just how much this is tearing him up inside.  He is so angry and yet within seconds he is almost in tears.  If I didn't know better I'd say he was injecting himself with my IVF meds.

I know quite well that he is afraid that I might again be pregnant and that we might very well lose this one too if I am.  Really when a soldier deploys he has to get into the zone.  Yes, they get their tunnel vision before they deploy and become real bears to live with.  Its not that they don't love us its just that they have to build up that protective wall again.  The worst part is that we had just broken through that wall and now he is defenseless due to the repeat pregnancy loss.

I'm worried about him.  He is going to a hostile country.  Of late there have been more killings.  I don't want to be a widow.  I have to tell you its a big fear among us military spouses because it can very well happen.  Just the other day there was a training accident in the news.  More dead.  I guess I'll be breathing easier when he gets back home again.  I'd breath a lot easier if they just sent him off on some field exercise.  Well no I doubt I'd be happy with that either.

I know I can handle being apart from him.  I've done it before and I can do it again.  I'm not one of those fall apart spouses that can't handle being left alone.  I'm far from friendless and defenseless.  I know how to take care of myself and shoot an intruder.  Yes, my father, a former soldier himself, taught me well.

I know J will come home again.  But I don't know how well he'll be when he gets back.   He ended up being medivac'd to Balad last time.

I can't worry about the unknown because I can't control it.  I can only live the time I'm in right now and plan for a future with many different options.  I can dream of long vacations together.  I can dream that some how they'll still decide to leave him behind.  But in the end I have to face reality.

Due to OPSEC I won't be posting where he is or when he leaves.  I can only post that he will be leaving and how things are going well after he gets to his destination.

Not Sure Why

I'm not sure why I lost this pregnancy.  I'm not sure why I lost the previous three either.  But I aim to find out something when I have my WTF appointment on the 23rd of February.

Why is my body rejecting or killing off the babies?  I asked the REI nurse.  We discussed a few issues.  It could be my medical problems.  It could very well be an autoimmune disease as I have two and there are several in my family.  But could eczema and psoriasis really be the cause of my body losing so many pregnancies?  It seems rather far fetched.  Maybe I'm developing my family's Celiac Disease?  I was figuring the problems I had from eating wheat, bran and not so much the oat were in my head.  I guess a blood test could figure out most of these issues.

Blood test are only going to tell me just so much though, my doctor has to figure out the rest.  I'm hoping its not the endometriosis.  I really don't want to be cut open.  My endometriosis was able to be diagnosed without cutting me opening.  I know many may think that the only way to give a definitive diagnosis for endometriosis is with a knife.  Well mine was diagnosed via symptoms years ago and finally with the Saline Infusion Sonogram last year.  The doctor found the endometrioma and there is was, "ta-da you've got it" moment and we are sure now.  When the first IVF egg retrieval day came around sure enough when the follicles were drained sure enough only blood in that particular one.  I guess I'm just lucky that my tubes are still okay.

Back to the autoimmune diseases.  In my family there is Parkinson's, Psoriasis, Eczema, Celiac, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and IBD.  Nothing that will kill you but it will make your life rather miserable if you go untreated.  The IBD I'm still guessing at really because I don't have all the family medical history updated and I know that I was diagnosed with IBS myself years ago.  I just hope it never progresses to the point it becomes IBD.  Though there are days that I wonder if the abdominal pain I have is the endometriosis or the beginning of IBD.  I've learned to live with a modified diet.  I'm very careful about what I eat.  I do use my lactose intolerance and whey allergy to my benefit when I do get constipated.  I do the same with my sensitivity to gluten products.  Hey when you've got to go and it hurts I don't reach for chemical but I do use my allergies instead.

Speaking of pain, I really wish this ongoing pain in my left side, right around the duodenum would just go away.  Seems like whatever I eat of late just hates me.  I'll blame that on the fibromyalgia nerve pain and the IBS for today.

In an hour I'll see my PCM (primary care manager or doctor) to get a referral for my yearly, though its been two years, check up for my asthma.  I never said I got good medical care with the Army.  If anything my medical care and coverage have gotten worse with the budget cuts.  Fewer doctors off post are taking the coverage and now when I book appointments within the Tricare system I'm asked if I have additional insurance.  As if I could afford it,  seriously they don't pay my spouse enough to cover some of the co-pays for out of network prescriptions and doctors visits.  Oh and some won't get reimbursed either.  I remember paying out $75 for just one script for my thyroid and Tricare refused to reimburse me.  Whatever!

Oh and for the final slap in the face or should I say first slap in the face.  Yesterday  when my RE's nurse gave me the results said I was never really pregnant.  WHAT!  Excuse me I saw them put the embryo in me.  There was a growing, living, bundle of cells in me wanting to live.  Can you tell she's never been pregnant?

Still Have Some Hope

I ate to my heart's content yesterday and weighed myself this morning.  I weigh myself every morning especially since my RE doctor told me I should since I bloat easily.  I lost 0.8 lbs and I pigged out and ate of the pig too.  I made Jaeger Schnitzel last night.

Yesterday I have to admit I let the test results get to me.  I shouldn't have but I did.  I know its still early and this morning's two tests were no different either.  It seems as though my hormones peak in the later afternoon early evening time frame, just before I take my last Endometrin of the day.  I consistently take my Endometrin at 0400 hrs, 1200 hrs and 2000 hrs, 8 hours apart to keep the hormone in my system at its peak.

By late in the afternoon I was cramping again, weepy, cranky, full of snot in the nose and vaginal area, and had really sore breasts.  Again this morning very little to no symptoms and my breast which are slightly sore are back to the normal size.

According the to the test strip site for the W.ondfo's I'm currently using I'm only going to get my really strong positive line on Sunday.  Even today I'd only have a 33.5% chance of seeing a faint positive.  Count Down To Pregnancy Test

But with the cramps last night came a little bit of disturbing color.  I passed a bit of brown no bigger than my pinky nail, which is cut short because it broke off the other day.  Nothing to be seen for residue on the endometrin stick after inserting either.  Nothing today for color.  But when the cramps started yesterday I put my feet up and they subsided until I stood up again.

Either AF will be here in a few days or Hope is snuggling in for a long growth spurt.  I'm really praying its the later because I don't think I could take another miscarriage.

J has been told by me that I'm now not going to lift a finger until I get the Beta results.  Last night was the last night I'm cooking dinner as it was during the finalizing of making said dinner that the cramps were the worst.  He is under enough stress and I don't want to add to it but I too need to count right now. 

J wasn't put on the list for this month's promotion board since he didn't tell them he wanted to go nor remind them.  Its called an ARMY OF ONE for a darn good reason.  When you enlist you are on your own when trying to get a thing done including getting promoted.  No one wants to stick their neck out for you now.  Its a shame too, it wasn't like that in my Dad's day.

So yes, I'm primarily on bed rest.  I was told by the RE staff to take it easy, and  if I was in pain to stop what I was doing and go put my feet up.  I hate being high risk but if I get a baby out of this its worth it.

Family: The Pain That Keeps Giving

I'm having one of those days where the Fibromyalgia pain is kicking my butt, shoulder, left ankle, neck, oh heck it all hurts.

I'm wondering if with taking the acetaminophen there isn't a little me just laughing sitting there on my shoulder at my futile attempts to control the pain.  I'd turn my head to take a look but that hurts too.

Its been an interesting past 11 days.  I've been holding in more secrets since my last posting about keeping secrets on the 6th of December.  I've been having more chest pains, irregular heart beat, and my blood pressure is way too high for being on the blood pressure medicine but I think I might have mentioned that in a recent blog.  The secret is that one of my parents in the hospital....AGAIN!  Yes the very one that I said was courting bad Karma in my blog post Taking Joy In Someones Pain.  Karma got his butt.  I'm not happy about it and I did warn him.  Mom made me promise to not tell any of the family until my father was well enough and no longer in the ICU.  Over the weekend, after almost a week in the ICU, he was finally transferred to a regular room.  Soon he'll be in a nursing home.  This is his fourth attack of congestive heart failure.  Heart issues seem to run in the family.

Since my closest relatives don't read my blog it doesn't really matter that I post about my dad here.  Mom only told me to not call any of my family friends and tell them if she thought they might blab.  I have one cousin that would do just that.  No, not you Nicki you read my blog the one that blabs doesn't.

So far my dad has had four close brushes with death.  This time is the worst it looks like.  He also has pneumonia and an infection in the blood.  If and when he comes home he'll be on machines.  Mom has already told me what the doctors have told her that he has been on borrowed time for the past five years.  We knew this too.  Some how my dad is always able to spring back just enough for just long enough to make it a few months without getting sick.  Maybe science should study his immune system.

So yes I'm more grumpy this holiday season due to two miscarriages so close together and one deathly ill parent.  I may not be close to my father but he is my father and I do not wish ill upon him or any other human due to the ripple effect.

Last week, late at night I called my spouse to let him know about my father in the hospital.  He was in the process of doing his sneaky work that I had to interrupt with tears.  I wouldn't have called but for the fact that he needed to know if I had to suddenly fly home.  The ripple effect does effect everyone.

On a happy note, my refrigerator vegetable compartments are now filled with my IVF medicines.  I picked up my grocery bag of medicines yesterday, my laundry bag of needles and got my flu shot too.  I'm all set. Come to think of it maybe its the flu shot making me all achy today; it probably is at that.

Keeping Secrets

Inside this house many secrets are kept.  For now I'll share two with you.

Yesterday we finished the decorating the tree and I thought it would be nice to post an updated photo of the exterior with our tree in the window.

The first secret I'll share with all of you is that my tree is a bit of an illusion.  But you'll have to look at the next photo to see what I'm talking about.

 My tree is not full sized like it appears to be from outside.  No I don't have room for a huge tree.  I have my tree on an antique oak stand in my front living room window for all outside to see.  I think it makes for a pleasing view, don't you?

This is my tree with the lights on in the house but not lit on the tree.  I've made most of the decorations for the tree including the ribbon with all the bells on it and the tree skirt.  All hand sewn.

But this means its time to tell you the second secret I had promised to share.

Yesterday while decorating the tree I was unwrapping the special ornaments, not all did I make mind you.  As I was unwrapping a glass angel I started to choke up with tears.  I bought that ornament for my first pregnancy loss.  I decided it was too painful to put on the tree this year.

See the secret is that I did get pregnant this past cycle natually and I did lose it.  Two pregnancies lost in such a short period of time.  One via IVF the other naturally and both meant so much to us.  We did have hope.  But I knew that it was futile as the reason why I lost the babies the first time in 1996 was the fact that I didn't have enough progesterone in my system and going natural meant running that risk again.  Still it was nice to know we could create one of our own without help.  I guess I just need to have my hormone levels watched more closely for a dive in progesterone next time.

So last night I was angry.  I decided to put up just one gold angel to represent all the lost babies we've had.  J stood by me and he hung the angel.  I was so angry at myself I just wanted to destroy the tree but I didn't.  I held back the rage and just let the tears slip down my cheeks.

We are still going ahead with the IVF for January.  I'm on the pill.  I'm cranky with the bloat.  Weight loss is an uphill battle right now.  If I can maintain or lose a bit I'm good.

I've gotten my blood work back.  My numbers are as normal as can be for CD3, I'm on CD7 now. 
CD3 numbers:
E2 30
LH 8.59
FSH 7.54

Luteinizing Hormone (LH)

Day 3

< 7 mIU/ml

A normal LH level is similar to FSH. An LH that is higher than FSH is one indication of PCOS.

Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH)

Day 3

3-20 mIU/ml

FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate. In PCOS testing, the LH:FSH ratio may be used in the diagnosis. The ratio is usually close to 1:1, but if the LH is higher, it is one possible indication of PCOS.

Estradiol (E2) Day 3 25-75 pg/ml Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.

Miscarriage Therapy Session # 1

Rain drummed on the roof of my SUV as we drove to the clinic.  I looked over at J and asked him to run an errand for me while I was in therapy.  He nodded in agreement and said that he has the list for the grocery store.

J pulled up to the building and let me out into the pelting rain.  This is it I think. Time to go in and get some therapy.

First thing first, I have to check in with the receptionist and use their computer to log my emotions.  Have I been suicidal?  Have I had thoughts of harming anyone?  Have I had marriage issues?  Those are just some of  the general questions that I have to answer in order to get seen at my appointed time.  Thankfully there is an essay block where I can type in the real reason I need to see my therapist today....miscarriage.  Plain and simple I need to find a better way to grieve.

20 minutes later I'm in the therapy room.  My doctor asks me how I'm doing.  I'm trying not to lie but I feel like I have to close up.  I have to protect myself from further hurts.  She sees that I'm already closing down within minutes of the session.

JD gets me to open up a bit.  Just a bit and some tears flow.  Quickly I suck it all back in and start bouncing my left foot up and down while the right one rests over it crossed at the knee.  She says to me, "do you see what you are doing?".  I respond with a squeaky voice with a simple, "Yup".  Why she wants to know.  I explain that crying is a waste of energy and that I was taught to suck it all up.  She says she can see that I'm angry.  Correct I am.  I'm very angry.  I'm being childish but I'm angry at myself and the world.  She explained to me that I'm "wasting" more energy by letting the anger build up when I should let the tears flow.  Its okay to cry.  Its okay to feel hurt and betrayed and all those other emotions that we go through when we have lost someone important to us.

She explained to me it doesn't matter how far along I was pregnant, the fact is that its harder when you go through IVF because you know you are going to create that baby and have it transferred to your body.  You know you are pregnant even if only for a little time.

So JD and I are going to work on my issues with this miscarriage on a weekly basis until I can learn to grieve and let go.  I really need this as I go into my next IVF cycle.  I'm scared of losing another pregnancy.

Even now I'm sucking the tears back in.  I'd like to try to schedule a tear session for Sunday when J has his CQ duty.  I'll have the house to myself for 24 hours and I'll be able to possibly let go and give myself some time to grieve.  Yes, I'm embarrassed to be seen crying.  I never used to be this way.  This is something that has recently started and I don't know how to let go and lose control now.  Its scary.

Roller Coaster Ride

The LH surge has disappeared and my mood has changed again.  Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist today.  This is the first appointment since losing the embryo earlier this month.  She has no clue what is going on and I wish I hadn't had to of  waited so long to get in to talk to her.  But at least I still have an appointment.  J was lucky enough to be seen by an Army counselor the very next day after we got our beta results.  I, however, had to wait.

I'm angry again.  I'm unable to console friends right now.  Yesterday yes, today no. 

I broke something over the weekend.  Its small but very important.  I got angry.  I hated the little object.  Its out for repairs now.  It was never something that I picked out for myself.  No it was something I felt was forced upon me to always have and it wasn't my choice.  So after its fixed I'll have it back in my possession once again.  Hopefully I won't get so angry again as to break it once more. 

I'm depressed.  I've gained three pounds this month.  Yes, three pounds might not seem like a lot to most of you but when I'm half way to my next goal and I gain three pounds back its a lot.  Add to the insult that I was still "pregnant" when I weighed less it makes me angry and depressed.  So today I put on my tightest jeans and I'm sucking in the discomfort.  It will remind me that I have a goal.  It will remind me to not over eat, well I hope at least.  I don't really know where I over ate in the past two weeks but some how I did.  Two donuts over two day?  One slice of pizza?  Yes, I've been good.  I have no clue how or why it just decided to come back to my mid section but it did.  So its depressing me.

Last night I went from horny to harpy in just a few hours.  Sure I've done it faster before but still I don't like it when it does happen.  I could blame it on the borderline personality disorder  but in the end I'm still responsible for my own mindfulness.  I shouldn't let my emotions bleed out the way I can and sometimes do.

Because I know that this roller coaster of emotions is triggered by the loss of the embryo and most likely trying to conceive again too soon without healing properly in-between, I can identify from an outsider's point of view what to expect.  I'm going to chug back up to the top of that roller coaster with all I've got and try to stay there as long as possible looking for the straightaway.  I have to.  I have no choice.

Oh My Aching Uterus

My pain level is at 8 right now and a few minutes before was a 9.  Oh how I hate Endo pain.  This is the first true bleed, a new menstrual cycle,  I've had since the miscarriage.  I had a total of 3 days off from the first bleeding only to have it start all back up again and with a vengeance.

Three times in the past 24 hours I've told my spouse I wish I was dead.  Yes, the pain is that bad.  I've tried taking acetaminophen for the pain but that hasn't helped.  Often I think that acetaminophen is just a joke but it is one of the main ingredients in vicodin and percocet too.

I think I've forgotten what sleep is.  I haven't had two solid hours of sleep in about a week.  I know that with my fibromyalgia I will usually get 2-3 hours at a time throughout the night.  Of late not even that and its making me more fatigued when the bleeding is added in.

****TMI ****
In the past hour I've passed in less than a 5 minute period two blood clots the size of Eisenhower silver dollars.  I thought I was going to pass out from the pain.  I guess this is to be expected when my uterine lining was measuring 10.2 mm the day of the embryo transfer.  That is a lot of blood and it has to come back out.  I just wish it didn't chose to try to come out all at once.

My spouse has offered to come home and take care of me.  I might just have him do that as movement is really painful right now.  Those of you that have endometriosis and have had a miscarriage will understand how painful things are for me right now.

I could hit the percocet I have here but I'm always so afraid to take it because of the fact that I might build up a tolerance to it.  With another egg retrieval due in January I don't want to have the same pain medicine not work.  The egg retrieval was very painful.  If I was the slightest bit jostled I yelped in pain.

Deep breath in and blowing out.  Another wave of pain and cramping just hit.  Okay that's it for blogging for me today.  Time to go yowl.

Reading Up On The Reason Why

I've been doing a lot of reading up on the subjects of miscarriage, IVF, and pregnancy over the past few weeks.  I knew what could happen but now I want to find out why.

I need to know why if only to figure out a way to help prevent another miscarriage.  Maybe if we try again we can use a different protocol.  Changing out medicines might make the difference or perhaps a change in dosage amounts.

These were my facts:

1) I have a BMI of 32.  I need to lose more weight to sustain a healthy pregnancy.

2)  I have hypertension.  I need to find techniques within my means of lowering the blood pressure to help my medications work better.  My cardiologist doubled my hypertension medicine before the start of the injections.  I need to avoid stress.  Well perhaps I should just divorce and forget IVF right?  Nope not going to happen.  My spouse and I love one another too much to let this end our marriage.

3)  My age is 42.  Nothing I can do about that detail.

4) I have fibromyalgia.  I wonder if that is causing some of the issues with my fertility.

5)  I have two small cysts on my thyroid gland.  Though they aren't seeming to cause any major problems with my thyroid producing the hormone I do wonder if they still might of concern.

6)  I have endometriosis.  Again nothing I can personally do about that issue.  Losing weight and exercising isn't going to make it go away though it might make the endo pain a bit less.

7)  Not all my follicles were developing at the same rate.  I lost out on several good sized follicles by doing what the doctor said and waiting several days for the other ones to develop.  I went from four good ones to two and of the two one made it.  So maybe different strength drugs or different meds are needed. I always have plenty of follicles on clomid.

Now what I found out is this:  SHIT HAPPENS!  Yes, just that.  Sometimes even if thing are perfect, like my 8 celled embryo (JR) something can and will go wrong.  No matter how much I want to lay the blame on someone else it happened.  Sure the stress I was under probably didn't help the cause but what can I do about outside influences?

So I'm still reading and hoping to find a cause.  Something that will pinpoint the problem area with an "ah-ha" moment of clarity.  Something that can be fixed so it doesn't happen again.  If you've got a clue, I'm all ears.

Healing The Hurts

It seems as though J and I are going through the 5 stages of grief at different times.  He is seeing a counselor, one that I now refuse to see because the man only takes my husband's side, the soldier's point of view.

I think I've mentioned before that my husband and I go to marriage counseling to make sure that we stay on the right track.  Well with trying to conceive it has become a necessary part of our communications.  However, this former chaplain, is not helping matters.  I realize that because my husband is a soldier he has be protected and come first, but I feel as though my medical conditions should also be put as a high priority too.  This counselor does not try to understand me and likes to cut me off when I'm trying to make a point.  I'm done with this former chaplain.  I have my own counselor who I'll be seeing again later this month.  I can always move our marriage counseling to another person and I think we've decided to do just that as of last night.

Communication at times is lacking in relationships.  Its a necessary thing if one wants to receive what they most desire.  Mind reading is not an option.  In the last few months I've had more sit down, evening discussions with my husband than most couples have in a year's time.

I need to know where we are headed and if we are on the right path.  I don't want to become pushy just so that I know that I'm getting what I want.  I just want to remain in control of my own life without someone else trying to control it for me.  I'm willing to take a back seat, and usually I do, to make sure that we are doing what he needs to get him back on the right path.  My spouse is a bit of a loner.  He wanders off into the darkness on his own path way too often forgetting about obligations to the family time in pursuit of his own desires to be alone.  Okay so we all need a bit of selfish alone time to heal our own wounds but seriously I'm getting tired of yanking him back on the path.

My husband is a wonderful guy that is sweet, and sensitive, and pig headed, and obnoxious, and well a man!  Not that any of it is a bad thing but at the wrong time it can be.  Right now I need that sweet and sensitive guy to hold me while I cry about the miscarriage.  I've yet to have him do that.  I want my time to grieve.

Because I'm unable to let loose fully right now with him I'm stuck often in denial and anger.  When I first started to bleed I did the bargaining.  I knew what was happening.  I prayed to every god I could think of with the hopes that one would hear me.  Sometimes things just happen that I have to accept.  The depression is now hitting me.  I'm not in my happy place. I have hope that because the next IVF cycle isn't that far off, January is the retrieval and transfer  but the medications start much earlier, I'll be in a better mood knowing that a baby is once again a real possibility for us.

Denial             check
Anger             check 
Bargaining       check
Depression      check
Acceptance     getting there

Miscarriage Day 2

Letting go of a hope and a dream is never easy.  I had really big hopes and dreams for JR.  I had hopes that I would get to give it a real name as it grew within my womb.  I had hopes to one day feel it quicken.  And yes I had hopes of changing its dirty diaper, cleaning up its trail of toys through the house, and worrying as it went to school, dates and college. 

Now I just have to let go of all those hopes and dreams for this particular baby.  My tally of losses is now increased by one.  I've now lost three.  I'd rather not keep count but who among us infertiles has not keep count of their near and dear almost hopes and dreams.

Within a few months of arriving in Washington State I met someone that loved to read palms.  I'm not one to take to flights of fancy but she was genuine and sweet.  I let her read my palm.  What she saw scared me and I'd almost forgotten all of the bad until now.  She said you'll lose three children but will have others that live to give you grandchildren but that you won't live long to see those grandchildren mature. 

I thought at the time she had to be mistaken as I've only lost two and we haven't had a third show any where near us.  I felt joy knowing that I would someday have grandchildren, but first I had to get a child.  So okay I've now lost three, I want the ones that live.

With that said, we are going to try again.  Yes, we are now on the list for the January IVF.  This will be our last attempt.  Our finances are taking a big hit with this second try but we are prepared as prepared can be.  I did save up for two tries and I want those two tries before my eggs shrivel up and die off altogether.

I have to admit that I am in a goodly amount of pain this morning.  Emotional pain is pretty high because I am finally alone to deal with it all.  J is back to work today.  They let him have a half day to be with me yesterday.  He cried.  He didn't think he would.  But when you realize that you've lost part of you to never see it grow up, it hurts.  I have no clue what the emotional pain would have been like for us had it died shortly after living.  I'd rather not think about it.

No today I'm deal with my own emotional pain.  Tears are welling up easily.  But I still have hope for next cycle at the same time.

The pain of miscarriage is twisting my uterus like someone wringing out a sponge to dry.  I'll deal with it.  I'm not going to say its going to kill me as I've dealt with Endometriosis for as long as I've had periods but just didn't know why they hurt so bad.  I'm not going to say that I'm used to pain either.  But I will say it does hurt.  I may have to reach for the percocet if it gets worse.

Given time, a lot of time, I will heal my emotional hurts and my physical ones too. 

Beta Today

I'm still on bed rest.  At 0200 hrs I started to bleed AGAIN!!!  Luckily it stopped within two hours of starting.  Now I'm just freaked out any time I get that bit of a creepy sensation, yes even with perspiration, in my panties.

I had my beta HCG drawn at 0700 hrs today and am waiting for the results.  I'm scared that JR decided it didn't want to stick around.

There are days, like today, that I dread.  I just don't handle this waiting game all that well.  I want answers now.  But yet, I'm afraid I'll get an answer that is going to be hard to deal with.

I'm cranky.  I'm tired.  I'm nauseated from worry.  Still I took my PIO shot this morning.  Even though I'm positive its going to be a negative beta or so low its inevitable to be a chemical pregnancy.  Yes, I'm turning into a pessimist.  Its become almost too much to hope for to get a positive result.  For now I live through my fellow bloggers,  I feel their pain and their joy.  I hope more of us get that BFP with a healthy baby.  I want it too.  For now I'll just sit here on bed rest with my phone handy.

Oh this bed rest is causing me some pain too.  My left hip and left ankle have now decided to no longer cooperate with the reclined position.  The left hip refuses to stay in its joint and the left ankle, well that is pain related to the torn deltoid ligament that never fully healed.  But the pain will be worth it if only I get a BFP later today.

If I don't I think I'm going to go for a really long walk and screw the pain factor.  I can't stay inside all day and dwell on things lost.

******UPDATE*****
0957 its a BFN.  Chemical pregnancy.  Yes, we lost this one.  I'm trying to get us into the next cycle which is in January.  I really don't want to wait until March but the doctor gets the final decision.  This will be the last try too.

Pregnancy Test Blank Window

I'm on my spouse's laptop on bed rest today.

****TMI***
Last night I had more of the bright red, thick bleeding. No clots thankfully.  That is of course until it turns to the brown stuff.  When it goes brown it gets all sort of clots in it.

I took a home pregnancy test this A.M.  A digital one, EPT to be exact.  I did as directed and waited watching the little hourglass work its magic, then it goes blank.  WTF!  Yes, it went blank. 

Okay so it has a battery in it and I have to crack it open to separate the electronics from the rest of it for proper disposal.  Besides it does have a test strip inside, this isn't the first time I've cracked one open. 

Luckily for me I could read the test strip.  Its not rocket science and I've no clue how some folks can't read them.  So for today I saw the thin blue control line separated by a white space and a big blue smudge three times the thickness of the control line.  So I guess I'm still pregnant.  Its good news I think.  But the bleeding is scary.  Maybe the bleeding is nothing?

I have yet to call the REI nurse after she told me to take it easy yesterday.  I'm definitely on bed rest today.  J's been very helpful and has loaned to me his laptop, brought into the bedroom my healthy snacking foods (nuts, and such), the 300 dvds in the single case, another blanket, bottles of water too.  He is so sweet when I asked him to do this.  He had to get to work but he took time for me. 

You should have seen his face screw up in agony this morning with the test results.  He is happy but he is also afraid that I'll still lose JR in the next few hours.  We are both afraid that the blood test tomorrow will come back negative.

I'm hoping of course that JR decides to stick around for the full 9 months but I can't make it happen if its not to be.  I continued with the PIO shots this morning.  This one given in the bedroom while I was on my side. 

My bad back is really hating me right now.  I need to get up and move about but I know that the more I move about the less my uterus will rest, the more the blood pressure will rise, and so on and so forth. 

I'm sure many of you out there know what I'm going through.  I'm struggling just like the rest of my infertile cysters to keep my embryo in my uterus.  Each pregnancy is different for every one of us.  If I'm lucky enough to carry to term I'll try to not complain too much about the pain from my DDD, bulging and herniated discs in my back and neck, and the fibromyalgia pain.  No promises though, I knew what I was getting into before I got started.