Transfer Day is Finally Here

In just a few hours I'll be headed up to Seattle for the embryo transfer.  Hoping all goes well.

I will let all of you know more in a day or two.  Maybe I'll share the picture too.  Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

Holy Crap

I just got a message from Nicole at PNW, she is my nurse up in Seattle. 

Deep breath, can't believe it is so close now.

She wants to know by Thursday which date from the list of dates I'm giving her that I want to do my embryo transfer.  Oh My God!  Where did the time go?

I'm so ready for this.  Just hoping my uterus it ready.  I'll know more on Thursday and will let all of you know the date then.

Last night J called his family to let them know about the upcoming IVF.  We told them it was a FET with explaining that we have two embryos on ice right now and would hopefully be transferring them soon.  J's brother J, think I mentioned back at Christmas how much J's family seems to love J names, was also there and he was really excited for us which I think helped his parents understand better.

We will later on, if the pregnancy is a success, think viability, tell them more details.  For now only a small number of people know all the details, like the doctors.  Heck, not even you guys know all the details, doubt I know all the details either. 

So excited I'm practically dancing in my chair.  But I need to get back to my routine and finish my yogurt and smoothie if I'm going to get any exercising done today.

Brain waves are just bouncing all around today!

I've Got That Progesterone Feeling

For four days now I've been taking my Endometrin as directed.  The slime isn't all that bad yet.  But some of the side efftects are starting to get a bit annoying.

• My areolas are sore.  Not the entire breast, no just the nipple area.

• I've been getting headaches.  Not too bad, just one bad one so far.

• Increased nighttime urination.

• Being extra tired.

Which considering that I'm trying to grow a baby right now I'll cope.  I'm happy to have Hope in me right now. By week 37 I'll probably be wishing it was the due date and wanting Hope to be born.

This morning after awakening from a nightmare, just my fears of losing my spouse to another woman that is fertile (I think we've all had this type of nightmare), I spoke with J about Hope.    He told me he likes calling the embaby Hope and in Spanish Hope is  Esperanza.  Hmm, wasn't Esperanza the name of the housekeeper that the character Gaylord Focker had an affair with?  Well anyway Hope in Slavic is Nadiya.  I think I rather like that one.  So I'll be calling this embaby by its name in different languages just to keep things interesting I think.  If you know of Hope in different languages and want to give me the name let me know.

In other news, I'll be glad when the swelling in my ovaries goes down.  I can only sleep in one position right now and its on my back.  I try to roll to either side and my ovaries complain.


My uterus is feeling better today.  Yesterday morning and afternoon it felt as though I had been punched in the uterus from the inside.  The transfer did not go smoothly but I think I already mentioned the two different speculums having to be used because he couldn't get me opened properly with the first one no matter what position he tried with it.  The second one was longer.  Then began the swabbing with the gauze 2 x 2's and the other gear to clean off the excess mucus.  Lovely the Endometrin made my inside messy.  Then the catheter bent and it shouldn't have.  Dr.C. didn't have a problem with the mock transfer or the first IVF.  Dr.B. has only ever wanded me so he didn't know the route I guess.


I did feel some twinges of pain last night before bed.  It felt more like pinches but a bit sharper, most likely it was the uterus getting cranky with me.  With luck I'll feel something similar over the next few days or week as Hope burrows deep into the uterine lining.


I've asked J to sign back in off leave today as he will have the weekend off.  No sense in wasting leave days that we might need later on for a vacation or delivery or possible...well I don't want to say it.  He is taking care of me and I'm not going to leave the house for another day.


I did take a warm bath last night and used my brand new candy thermometer that I've had for two years and never took out of the package.  So I made sure the bath was about 90 degrees for water temp.  My legs still pinkened so I'm guessing I'm just susceptible to cold and heat is all.


I'm being as careful as possible without over worrying.  I don't want to add guilt feelings to the stress which would make the stress worse.  I am meditating and last night my blood pressure was a reasonable 124/75.  So that means that the Circle + Bloom is helping.

Transfer Day At Last

This is my Hope.  Whether it turns out to be a boy or girl until it gets to the sex determination state I'm referring to it as Hope.

Hope was almost ready to cleave again before we transferred it to my uterus.  Right now its 5 cells and two of them are huge so the embryologist was really happy and figured it would be at least 8 by the end of the day if not 9.  We had Assisted Hatching to help with the implantation.

I've already told J that I think Hope is a boy.  Why?  Well the other embryo we transferred in October, JR, was developing much quicker and girls develop quicker than boy.  Since this one is behind a bit I'm betting its a boy and just as stubborn as its father who was born 3 weeks late!

This transfer was more difficult than the one in October.  Dr. B did this one.  I've seen him off and on over the last 15 months and of late Dr. C. more so.  Dr.B and Dr.C. were both doing retrievals today and I was the only transfer.

After two speculums (the first one was too short and he couldn't find a good position), and the catheter bending when it shouldn't Hope was finally in place.

So if all goes well I should be getting a decent number on the Beta which will be the 6th of February.  I am going to take it easy for the next 48 hours and I will go lie down soon with the book I'm reading for the next review.  I love this new book but not as much as I love Hope.

Now I just need to find a frame for Hope's embaby photo.

May all of you trying for babies get pregnant soon and carry to full term. 

Nicki  I'm thinking of you and Kenna always.  You inspire me. 

Flowers, Friends and Fertiles

J apologized for his bad behavior on my surgery day with flowers and sweets.  As you can see they are on my big dining room table with all my meds and my instruction sheet for the embryo transfer.

I have yet to hear from Dr. C. today on the status of my embryo. I know he is quite busy since this is the week on the calendar we all were supposed to be retrieving.   Last night SRM called me with the time and date of the embryo transfer.  What if there is nothing to transfer?  I'm scared.  Last time I had just one embryo.  It was perfect.  As perfect as they can get and it didn't stick.  I have only a 10% chance of this one making it and becoming a take home baby.

Friends I thank you for all your support.  Knowing that I have so many supporters out there means a lot to me when I'm so hormonal.

Last night I had a friend call me.  She begged me to accept the apology of the fertile girl that was so callous about her announcement.  My friend swears that the girl never reads my blog.  Well if she never reads my blog then how did she come across my reply comment on my blog about the callousness of her behaviour?  DUH!   She obviously reads my blog.  I did say, "good luck" to her on her announcement.

Of course I wish her no ill will.  I know first hand how precious babies are, and how hard it is for some of us to conceive.  She is a fertile and so is my friend.

*******WARNING******

Now for my rant.  I might get vicious and I need to point out that some of my friends and acquaintances can be found at either end of this and some somewhere in the middle.

An infertile gal waits for the embryo report with the phone next to the shower curtain so she doesn't miss that ever important call. First she hesitates to even take the shower fearing she might not be able to hear the ring.  While the fertile gal could care less if the phone rings and she'll get to it when she gets to it.

An infertile gal counts her two week wait in injections and Endometrin depending on protocol.  A fertile gal hardly will notice until her period is already late.

An infertile gal can pinpoint the day, and time in which her baby was created.  The fertile gal might not even pay attention to when her last period was but figures it was sometime during the sex crazed week she had.

An infertile gal knows the donor number of her sperm or spouse.  Some, not all, fertile women can't pinpoint who the father is.  I knew one gal that had a line up of possible fathers and had them all tested.

An infertile gal is supposed to suppress, stimulate, and then maintain with progesterone to get pregnant before the embryo is even put in her.  The fertile gal drinks, smokes, dances, lifts mountains of loads of laundry and has no clue she might be pregnant.

The infertile gal will most likely, unless she has a blog, suppress her urge to tell the world that she is pregnant at the first or second Beta because she knows it could all go south.  She will wait until the beginning of the second trimester and sometimes wait until week 24 when she knows the baby has a chance to survive on its own.  The fertile gal takes the home pregnancy test decides to go out and start baby clothes shopping.

The infertile gal is often put on full pelvic rest due to cysts caused by the stims,  which means sex is not an option.  No not even masturbation.  The fertile gal is able to continue to have sex.

An Infertile gal is hyped up on hormones but is told by her friend that doesn't understand she needs to accept an apology from a pregnant gal because that girl is pregnant.  The infertile is taking meds which mimic pregnancy in order to support pregnancy at higher levels than what are in an already pregnant woman's body and I'm the one that has to "be a bigger person"?  The Fertile gal sniffles and boo hoo's that an infertile monster is jealous of her and someone calls the INFETILE "a skanky dependapotmus that is jealous".

The infertile gal will quietly and with much reserve notify other infertiles of her joy not wanting to upset them on their infertile path, unless she has a blog she shares with other infertiles that cheer her on.  She will understand if they can't handle her joy and don't want to converse with her until they are better able to cope.  The Fertile gal will blurt to the world she is pregnant and not give a rat's ass about her infertile friends that have suffered loss after loss.

The last two pregnancies I was very quiet about announcing them.  You would have had to look closely at my blog to see that I had even said for sure I was or wasn't.  I'm trying to be careful to not hurt anyone's feelings but dammit I have feelings and if you read my blog and are fertile and don't have the foresight to tell me personally, if you are a close friend, of your upcoming sproglet then you aren't a very good friend. I don't like to find out via mass media that a supposed friend could care less about my feelings.  Frankly you just rubbed my face in your second kid's dirty diaper with what you said.  Thanks a lot.

Oh and I just got word.  How its even possible I don't know since the last one was as perfect as possible but Dr. C. said this one is even better than the last one.  

Me:  I know I only have a 10% chance of it implanting due to egg age.

Dr. C.:  I have no fear that this one will implant because its more perfect than the last one.

I have a bit of hope again.

Oh and yes if you are one of the Fertiles I mentioned above learn compassion for those that are infetile.

If you are one of my friends remember I've lost 3 pregnancies, 4 babies already.

If you are infertile I hope that all of us will soon become mom's with take home babies.  My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Its A Wash

As of this morning my joy and hope are gone.

Of the 9 eggs retrieved, 5 were mature, 1 fertilized.

I think its probably over.

I'd write more but I'm so angry right now.  I'm feeling hate to the universe and my spouse. 

Why the spouse?  Well he didn't do a damn thing yesterday to help me except drive and take the 3 photos.  All those casseroles I made ahead, he didn't even microwave one for me yesterday.  He made me fend for myself in all the pain I was in.  He got the day off of work and just took care of himself.  So right now I'm feeling a lot of the hate towards him.  I couldn't even get him to put out fresh pot holders after I put the others in the hamper.

Oh and I'm doing laundry today.  He had a full load of his own and I guess it was just too much for him to do his laundry yesterday so I have to do it today.  I did ask him to do his.  Heck I couldn't even get him to study yesterday. Instead he played on his computer.   I'm also doing a load of the household and a few socks of mine.  Seriously I'm supposed to be resting.  He can bite my ass!

Planning Ahead

Picture it, because I didn't take a photograph, a freezer full of casseroles and soups.

I'm cooking up a storm.  Even though I'm still sick and have several more days of antibiotics to go until this sinus infection is gone I'm cooking.  I'm planning ahead for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer.

Last IVF didn't go too well.  J was lost, confused and in general didn't know what to do to make my life easier.  When I should have been relaxing on the couch with nothing more strenuous in mind than changing a channel on the remote I was cooking for both of us.  This time will be different.

This time I preparing food for me.  Just me, not him.  J isn't on a dietary restriction.  J is a wonderful cook when he wants to be.  Last IVF, he prepared for himself from scratch Beef Wellington.  He made everything including the crust.

So I'm not exactly sure why he doesn't know one pot from a pan from a baking sheet when it comes to preparing a meal for both of us.  He took Home Ec in high school just like I did.  His mother encouraged him to learn to cook so that when he was on his own he wouldn't starve just like my mom did.

Currently I have three servings of a blue cheese casserole and one serving of a divine low sodium soup in the freezer.  Its enough for four dinners for me.  Tonight, if I feel like it, I'll cook some more and put more aside.  If I have the energy I'll be making Swedish meatballs, rice and peas.

I figure that if I make enough for 6 nightly meals I'll be set for the main parts of the egg retrieval and embryo transfer.  Just about anyone can reheat a frozen pre-cooked meal. 

I made enough of my no recipe, low sodium soup last night for both of us to enjoy and still have some for me to freeze.  Soup the night of the ER is about all I can handle too.  I don't know about you but all I wanted the first 48 hours was just enough calories in me to take my pain medicine.

The blue cheese casserole is a bit higher in sodium than I'd like but if its divided into three servings it won't be all that bad.  I was figuring the carbohydrates in it would be a nice safe bet the day after the ER or even the day of the ET.

Well this is me remaining hopeful and planning ahead.  I have to take care of me because in the end I'm the one I can most rely upon.  J being Army and all means that he might not be here as much as I'd like him to be for anything past donating his gametes to this endevour.  I'm already begging him to find out when his next CQ shift is and class dates too so that I know if I need to find a friend to take me to Seattle or not.

Well enough rambling.  Oh and to give some feedback.  I haven't been watching much SCI-FI of late.  I've never heard of Battlefield Earth to be honest, really I thought maybe it was a game or something.  I'm starting to think Sunflower has an idea with the separate bedrooms and maybe it will feel like sneaking around into each others beds if we do decide that route is best.  Kind of like when we were dating and our folks wanted us in different bedrooms.  Could be rather fun.

Embryo Transfer

This is my precious 8 celled perfect embryo.  Yes I can say its prefect because the doctor this morning said it was perfect.  My embryologist was also very pleased with the growth.

At 1022hrs I had my embryo transferred.  They decided to do our procedure so early because of the Via duct being shut down in Seattle for the weekend and the fact that I arrived really early; our original appointment time was set for 1130 hrs.  I'm glad we arrived early too, because on the way out at 1107 hrs the traffic going into the city looked more like a parking lot.

I'm excited.  3 whole days pregnant.

Okay I know its not official yet because its only just been transferred into my body but I can still say I'm pregnant until a test says otherwise and it had better still be "pregnant" or I'm just going to go insane.  March is a long way off and that would be the next cycle we could get into to try again. 

J is all excited.  He actually whispered to my abdomen that he loves the baby already.

We really haven't decided on an embryo name as of yet but since his first initial is J and mine is R it somehow seems appropriate to just call it JR (junior).

2 November is my pregnancy blood test.  Three weeks after that will be my first ultrasound.  Wish I could get one daily!

I'm trying to not stress out.  I'm still eating healthy and the almost 4 pounds (3.8) I gained from the IV during the egg retrieval is now gone.  I was so bloated my face was puffy, not just my hands and feet.

Since I'm considered obese I'll really have to watch my weight during this pregnancy to make sure that I stay the same weight, lose a little if possible and gain only for the baby.  In other words, I can't indulge in cravings.

I really hope JR sticks around.  I really want a healthy baby.  I don't care what the sex of the baby is as long as its healthy; we'll work on the happy together.

Positive Out Look

J and I are trying to keep a positive out look for this particular IVF cycle.  Its quite possible that when they do the egg retrieval I might get five good eggs or none at all.

This morning I had to take a pregnancy test.  Why?  Well for those of you that don't know its because of the trigger shot.

The shot I had to take at exactly 2000hrs last night was HCG (human Chorionic Gonadotropin) which is found in pregnant female mammals.  I'm not sure if its found in non-mammals or not.  Well okay in order to get the egg retrieval done tomorrow my pregnancy test has to show positive. 

And there it was this morning at 0458 hrs.  I was pregnant according to the digital test.  But I'm not actually.  Its just the shot.  Of course I called J into the bathroom to show him the test result.  I told him it might be the only time we see a positive home pregnancy test.  When I was pregnant with the twins 15 years ago my HPT never showed positive.    I've never actually had a positive home test either.  Weird but my body is like that or perhaps the tests were never that sensitive all those years ago.

See I'm not supposed to take another home pregnancy test (HPT) during this IVF cycle. No I'm supposed to just go for a blood test 14 days after the egg retrieval, not 14 days after the embryo transfer.    The 3rd of November, if all goes well I'll be getting some blood work done.

I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm excited, hell I'm scared.  I'm trying to stay positive.  All I need is one good egg.  That super hero of all eggs that will work its seductive magic on one sperm and create us a happy, healthy embryo that is willing to attach to my uterine lining. 

I just want to get through the egg retrieval with good news.  Then of course I want to get through the embryo transfer on Saturday with good news.  I hope my body doesn't betray me now.  Seems as though I had plenty of follicles earlier but they all decided to play "you go first" and not develop together like they were afraid of the outcome.  So now my odds of a good quality egg in the bunch has diminished.  But I'm still hoping against all odds that it works for us.

Keep us in your thoughts please.  Thanks.

Trigger Shot Time

Right now I'm sitting here blogging while I'm waiting for yet another phone call.  I always seem to be waiting on phone calls from my REI of late.

In the next hour the phone call I get should be from the SRM office in Seattle.  I'll get my time for my egg retrieval and the time that I'm to take my trigger shot.

I'm ready.  I'm nervous.  I'm excited.  I'm depressed.

My ovaries are starting to fail me.  We almost cancelled this IVF today.  Yes, the count is that low.  I have only 5 follicles there and some are as small as 9 mm right now.  I doubt some will be viable.

We were counseled on how to proceed.  I was hesitating on going through with the IVF, not because of the cost, but because it might not be worth the egg retrieval.  But, if we went to an IUI I know we would be wasting our money.  Four IUI's and not one of them worked what is to say another would work.

Dr. C. gave us the choice and I swear he was leaning towards the IUI but my husband thought differently.  J thought that Dr.C. had some positive news and thought that we could achieve a pregnancy still though, the odds are lowered with less candidates.

If this IVF cycle fails, and I count a miscarriage as a fail, then we won't be able to get into another cycle until March.  Had we decided to go with the IUI they could have gotten us into the next IVF cycle which is January.

Because there is still a possibility of my husband deploying we opted to go with the IVF now.  Fingers crossed it will work.

I won't be having a day 5 transfer, I'll be having a day 3 transfer.  This means that Saturday I'll have my embryo/s put in me.  If I even have any to transfer.

I'm afraid to hope.  I'm really depressed thinking that none will make it that stage of transference.  I want a baby so bad. 

After we received the results of the ultrasound, my lining is 9.2 right now, and the number of follicles, I wanted to cry.  I really didn't think we had a snowball's chance in hell of conceiving.  I really hope that my despair is soon gone.  I'm trying to think positive but I'm actually afraid to have hope.

Oh and if I hear one more person tell me I should adopt I think I might lose my calm and do something I really shouldn't.  Seriously if you can't say something supportive and can only tell me, "its just not your time", "it wasn't meant to be", or "you should adopt", then perhaps you should hold your tongue.