CD 14 6 DPO

So I had a horrible nightmare this morning.  I thought about the nightmare and it seemed to have a bit of a moral to the storyline.

In my dream I was driving to Florida with my husband to tell my parents that I was pregnant.  I get to their condo and find it's a murder scene.  Home invasion.  The body aren't covered up.  It's a mess.  My brother showed up before I did and he is now laying claim to all my parents possessions.  I started crying.  Not because of the loss of the possessions but because I had lost my parents.  The only thing I wanted in the dream after my parents were removed was two cookbooks that had been in the family for a while.

So after waking up I evaluated the dream.  It's best to not wait to tell my parents when I do get pregnant again even if it means that they will have to possibly deal with me losing another one.  Yes, I had thought to not tell them until I was in the fourth month.  Too much heart ache to let them know sooner but really I think with my dad's health being so bad it's best to tell him right away.  He is living on borrowed time.

I've also learned that most things I could care less about owning that were my parents.  I just truly do want the two cookbooks.  If my brother, who is quite greedy about material things, wants it all I'll most likely not fight him.

No my parents no longer have their condo in Florida so the likelihood of this dream happening is basically nil.

Symptoms of either pregnancy or PMS:

Breasts are a bit sore---could be too much estrogen and another cyst forming
Tight feeling and some cramping in the uterus----could be endo and adenomyosis pain
Bi-lateral pelvic twinges today and last night---could be cyst pain.
Heightened sense of smell----maybe my sinuses are starting to clear up!  Yay!


I listed two more pairs of baby booties in my shop today.   http://www.etsy.com/shop/darendianadesigns?section_id=12104337

Continuing Pain

I'm still here.  The pain is still here.

I tried to sleep in this morning but I forgot to have J remove the phone from the bedroom and turn down/off the ringers.  So at 0930 S calls me and is upset that Equity is refusing to come out for her non-emergency toilet running.  I told her give me 30 minutes and we'll be over there to fix it.

Army wives need to know how to fix something as simple as a leaky faucet, dryer hose disconnect, running toilet, etc...but alas most of them don't know how to fend for themselves when the repairman is not on duty for regular maintenance calls. 

We hauled over with us the tool box and repair manual.  We get there and S says that it stopped.  Really?  This means that I missed my sleep, I have a headache, didn't get in a shower and well I'm in fricken pain.  I didn't say all this to S but I did get a rather cool reception from her because I wasn't at home for her phone call telling me that I wasn't needed anymore.  Sorry but when I say I'll be there in 30 minutes it means you'd better call me within 20 to tell me you don't need me because the other 10 minutes is spent traveling in the car to your place.

By the way, the T3 is just a joke.  I'm starting to wonder if its really T3 or just placebo pills that look like T3 because its not working on my pain level.  I guess come Monday I'll be calling and begging for an ultrasound to find out what the heck is wrong inside of me now.  This is just stupid making me deal with this pain when they could be doing something for me.

So no I'm not angry with S I'm angry with my pain and the fact that I just fell asleep and got woken up because of my own stupidity of not taking the phone off the hook.  But I just don't understand why she is cool with me.  Usually I get a two arm hug, now I get a one arm barely hug me hug when just yesterday it was different.  I can't figure out people.  Maybe its because J had other things he had to do today and couldn't babysit at the last minute her boys so she could get some glamor shots done?  Well J has only 48 hours off a week and he needs to get stuff done here that he likes and wants to do.  I certainly can't be babysitting kids right now with my pain level.

S if you are reading this please understand that I'm in pain and not angry with you.

Holiday Craziness

This is just how crazy I went with the holiday decorations this year.  I even made a mock canopy over my bed using paper chains and snow flakes.

Right now, middle of the morning, J has just pulled in from a 24 hour shift.  He found out yesterday morning, after going in for morning formation, that he had CQ duty that day.  Again they had changed the schedule.  Three times this month they changed the schedule.

Oh he still has it on the 1st of January.  That part hasn't changed.

I guess I really shouldn't complain about the odd shifts he's been working since there are over 2500 soldiers deployed right now from our installation.  J could have been one of them.  He still is thinking that he'll be sent soon as a replacement.  I'm just hoping to have him here for the IVF hard part.  Well okay the easy part for him but the hard part for me.   Since I have enough friends in the area if need be we could freeze his gametes and I could have a friend take me to SRM, but I'm counting my blessings that he is here still.

Because his schedule is so crazy of late our sleep schedule is off.  Its no longer feeling like the holidays.  I don't have the blues or anything but still it just doesn't feel right.  No snow, just rain.  Hardly any one has decorated their houses for the holidays unlike last year.  I'm guessing again its because of so many soldiers that are deployed.  Still we have children in the neighborhood, one would think that they would at least decorate for the kids.

Our stand, upon which the Christmas tree sits, is filled with gifts and I'm all "meh!" about looking at them.  I guess what I really wanted this year won't be under the tree or in my womb.  I look back to the first IUI we had in January and think, "I could have given birth by now".  I think back to the February IUI and think the same.  The March IUI would have put us with a delivery date about now and still I would have loved it.  I wouldn't have cared if I delivered on Christmas or not.  I just wanted a baby this year. 

I'm lucky to have J here.  We have time to work on finding a better us while we struggle with this infertility journey.  As most couples know it is a struggle.  Even today I'm finding that the birth control I'm taking is giving me some very unwanted side effects.  The endo pain is seeping through enough that my bladder spasms in pain after emptying it.  I just want to go to sleep and wake up with a baby kicking in my womb, not wake up in pain from health issues.  I want this part of the journey to be over with.  I want my happy ending, the whole fairy tale where I've conquered the ugly Red witch.

CD 1: IVF #2 Begins

I awoke this morning to a phone call from my REI nurse at Madigan returning my phone call from yesterday.  My calendar is now ready with the scan times and drug dosing for the next IVF.  I'm waiting for the microdose of Lupron to show up which won't be here until early January.

My protocol has changed a bit.  I'll still be using Lupron but I won't be starting it like I did last IVF, this time I'll be waiting until the day of my first scan, the suppression scan.

I'm excited.  Sure I'm a bit sad that the first IVF resulted in a miscarriage but I have hope again for this IVF.  Yes, I know I always keep hope.  I had hope for the natural cycle that I had in-between too.  I had the implantation bleeding on the right day but somehow it just didn't stick.  It never even made it to a chemical pregnancy this time.  But its still nice to know that some part of my body still work at least half way at my age.

Today looks like from the toilet tissue wiping to be day one.  Bright red bleeding was there.  I'm always prepared with boxes of tampons and packs of pads so its not like its ever going to be one of those, "hun, please run to the store for me?" days when it happens.  Well, I hope that never happens at least.

I am thinking of no longer buying tampons.  For the past year or two using them has grown very uncomfortable.  I'm not sure if its the endo pain or what.  They don't work that well for me either with the amount I bleed.  I'm changing even the supers in under an hour when I have my heavy days. 

Bleeding is always a messy subject but somehow I always felt in better control of it, mess-wise, when I was able to use a tampon with comfort.  Now I'm becoming paranoid thinking that perhaps my body is trying to tell me something when it wants to reject it.  Maybe having a tampon sitting inside my body collecting all that blood just isn't good for it.  I'm thinking about the bacteria breeding ground its creating.  While I, knock on wood, have yet to ever have a yeast infection I do wonder if using a tampon could create the proper environment to get one.  Shudders to think of that particular mess.

The REI nurse told me that I could start the birth control by day two of my new cycle.  I don't have enough time to go for another natural cycle before I'd have to be on the pill so I'll be starting it by tomorrow I'm thinking.  My cut off date to start birth control is the 18th of December.  I'll be ringing in the holidays with migraines.  Birth control always gives me migraines and tension headaches.

The sound of the television, the one in the living room makes a slow leak noise of a balloon with buzzing, will give me headaches while on the hormones too.  I love watching the holiday movies too.  I'm a real sucker for the old black and white versions of  Its A Wonderful Life,  White Christmas,  and The Bishop's Wife.  Cary Grant plays an angel in the last one.  Got to love Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye (spelling his last name?).  I love to watch the dancing scenes in White Christmas. 

Well I'll be spending my holidays with my paper chains, snowflakes, and other craft works to decorate while I watch my holiday flics.  I'll be relaxing and hoping that this will be the cycle to grant me my dream baby.