Maybe its the sense of community, that common bond that most of us humans seek out in our everyday lives that made me get up from my warm nest of covers. Whatever it was I have no regrets about going.
I did have to use my cane today. Both knees were buckling and my back was killing me. At one point my left knee made a resounding pop while kneeling that my spouse asked me if I was okay. While singing I got dizzy and almost asked J to hand me my rescue inhaler but I made it through by just lip syncing at the end.
There was no miraculous healing of my body. That is not why I go to church. I go for the soothing of my spirit and the nourishment of my soul. I go to church knowing that I'm not the only one broken in more ways than one. Some of us have hidden issues that we can't bring to the surface to discuss. There is always that niggling fear of rejection and judgement from others especially those who have never walked in our shoes.
When asked today, "Why the cane?", I did my best to explain with the hope that none would judge me too young for so many problems. Maybe I was the one who had prejudged them, thinking that they wouldn't understand. Considering the mean age of the congregation is about 60 more than one did understand and I wasn't the only one using a cane.
I did feel a burden at breakfast, we have a church breakfast after mass, that J had to fill my plate. I would have ended up spilling my plate my moves were so herky jerky today. J can be really sweet, kind and considerate at times. He knows when I use my cane, an outward voicing of my pain, that I need help that day. I guess I need to speak up when I'm not using it so that he helps me then too.
So today I learned much about the Lepers in the sermon and how it applies to my own issues. I took away from the sermon that its okay to be crippled, handicapped, or having emotional hurts. I don't have to shout out "unclean, unclean!" as I approach others but I do have to let them know that I might need a helping hand or else I might just have them staring at me wondering why I can't do for myself. It truly is okay to ask for help within the community. Not everyone is out to get me. I can be accepted for who I am, not necessarily for what I can do for everyone.
