Off On A Religious Tangent

Last night before bed I read The Heart of the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  Rather interesting book.  I've only glanced at it before and read a few pages.  Even after taking my melatonin last night I was restless.  Always wanting to improve my relationship with my husband I read the book.

Now because I read the book and there were some passages quoted from the Bible I ended up having thoughts this morning that ran off in entirely different direction than what I was hoping to keep focused on.  Thanks Fibromyalgia.

So I will pose what will most likely be a long and complex question to my readers with lots of sub questions making a whole mess of what I really wanted to ask in the first place since we know my mind rambles here and there.  Here goes nothing.


Since Jesus was the son of G*d, and born a Hebrew how did the Christian offset become?  Oh and since he was born of G*d does that mean that when the angel Gabriel came down from Heaven with "The Blessing" from G*d does that mean that she was artificially inseminated like an IUI or perhaps an IVF if the whole embryo was implanted and it wasn't created within her?  Oh and would this make all IVF and IUI babies divine by G*d's creation of his son?  So since Jesus was born to Jews, back to the main question, why didn't his own people, "the chosen ones", deem him to be the prophet that they were waiting for and follow him?  Why did they in fact chose to betray him sending him to his death?  Judge not lest ye be judged and all that stuff.

Well with all that said I hope someone has some clues for me or answers.

I've decided to wait until at least 1 Sept to open my Etsy shop.  I have a lot of planning to do in the background including making more merchandise, taking photos, construction of the light box and setting up accounts for monies received before I have it ready to open.  I plan on using the proceeds to help pay off any and all debts I've incurred for the treatments to get pregnant.  As in pay back to my savings for my retirement.  J thinks this is a splendid idea and fully supports my venture into the business world once again.  He used to be my errand boy.  Yes, I had him bring all the parcels to the post office for me on his way to and from work.  Maybe I'll get him to make some chainmaille jewelry for the shop too.  He makes some really beautiful creations.

Oh and still AF is here!  Ugh!  What did I start with that?  Yikes!

A Little Faith Makes All The Difference

Well I got up, cleaned up and dressed this morning.  I didn't want to but I felt that I needed to.  Truly today going to church did make a difference.

Maybe its the sense of community, that common bond that most of us humans seek out in our everyday lives that made me get up from my warm nest of covers.  Whatever it was I have no regrets about going.

I did have to use my cane today.  Both knees were buckling and my back was killing me.  At one point my left knee made a resounding pop while kneeling that my spouse asked me if I was okay.  While singing I got dizzy and almost asked J to hand me my rescue inhaler but I made it through by just lip syncing at the end.

There was no miraculous healing of my body.  That is not why I go to church.  I go for the soothing of my spirit and the nourishment of my soul.  I go to church knowing that I'm not the only one broken in more ways than one.  Some of us have hidden issues that we can't bring to the surface to discuss.  There is always that niggling fear of rejection and judgement from others especially those who have never walked in our shoes.

When asked today, "Why the cane?", I did my best to explain with the hope that none would judge me too young for so many problems.  Maybe I was the one who had prejudged them, thinking that they wouldn't understand.  Considering the mean age of the congregation is about 60 more than one did understand and I wasn't the only one using a cane.

I did feel a burden at breakfast, we have a church breakfast after mass, that J had to fill my plate.  I would have ended up spilling my plate my moves were so herky jerky today.  J can be really sweet, kind and considerate at times.  He knows when I use my cane, an outward voicing of my pain, that I need help that day.  I guess I need to speak up when I'm not using it so that he helps me then too.

So today I learned  much about the Lepers in the sermon and how it applies to my own issues.  I took away from the sermon that its okay to be crippled, handicapped, or having emotional hurts.  I don't have to shout out "unclean, unclean!" as I approach others but I do have to let them know that I might need a helping hand or else I might just have them staring at me wondering why I can't do for myself.  It truly is okay to ask for help within the community.  Not everyone is out to get me.  I can be accepted for who I am, not necessarily for what I can do for everyone.

Walking The Ledge Of Insanity

This morning I did my final testing.  Both tests were so negative that I'm surprised the control lines even showed up.  Its time to move on from this failed cycle.  Its time to once again let go.

Last night I was watching the season finale of Sister Wives and I cried.  I opened up my box of grief and started to let it flood out.  I called to my husband, who was in another room, for a hug.  He thought of himself again first as the room I was in was colder than where he had been.  Instead of seeing my grief he saw what he needed first.  There are days I feel so unimportant in his eyes.  So I sucked the flood back into my box and snapped that lid shut again.  What came out next was rage.  I shut off the television, I didn't finish watching the episode, and let the anger blast in his direction. He said I was right that he was being selfish.  All I wanted was a hug.  I wanted to once in our marriage come first.  I can't make him give to me what he is not able to give.  I have to accept that.

So I went to bed alone last night.  I said I was angry.  I refused to sleep with him.  Couples have that happen from time to time.  Because I went to bed angry I paid for it in  my dreams.  I was once again locked in that four year old girls body.  At four I experienced the wrath, the violence, the abuse of sexual, physical and mental abuses that no one of any age should have to endure.  I paid for it all over again in my dream world.

My next appointment with my psychologist is not until 9 December.  I hope I can hold myself together that long.  I could call and leave a voice mail message begging to be seen earlier but it wouldn't do any good.  J needs the vehicle for his classes this week.  He has already informed me that its a good thing that I don't have any appointments this week.  Geez, make me feel worse already because I had been thinking about trying to get an appointment for the pelvic pain.  Did I forget to mention that I'm in a lot of pain right now from the endometriosis?  I swear its worse as my period draws ever near.

So I'm awake, I've showered, made the bed and now will drink my caffeinated tea, something I haven't had in weeks, in the hopes that some sort of regime will fight off the depression knocking at my mental doors.  I've got a little over two months before the next egg retrieval and I plan on using that time to lose more weight, exercise, get my marriage in better shape and my mind too.  We'll see how much I actually get accomplished.

Oh and I might just go back to church.  What?  Yes, the church.  The Roman Catholic Church.  I've been feeling a pull in that direction for most of the year.  I've been fighting it off.  But I think I need to go there and address my issues of why I pulled away and why so many are going back to the faith.

Look to my next blog post, possibly later today for the awards I'll be handing out to other bloggers.  For now I need to get going on the projects here at home.

Religion 101

As the Christian holidays in December draw ever near I find that I want to learn more about the world religions.  I'm not a thrill seeking individual that wants to form her own cult and have followers brain washed.  Just making that clear.

I do want to learn.  I'm curious.  I want to know what makes any one person gravitate towards a particular religion and what they get from it personally.

Last night J and I talked about theology.  He supports my decision to learn  more about the Mormon religions of LDS and the Mormon Fundamentalism.  From what I know about the Mormon religion it started in NY state, a state I grew up in and basically that's all I know about it.  We also chatted about my wanting to learn about the Jewish religion and their Torah.  I'd also like to read the Quran as well as any other religious books we can find and learn about their traditions.

I want to know the why's.  I want to just know.  If we all came from one religion, according to what I was taught in CCD classes, then why did so many other religions shoot out from it.  (I was brought up Roman Catholic.)  Have I been lied to?  I mean really now the Native Americans weren't near the cradle of life where I was taught that the true religion began from but yet their creation beliefs aren't all that far from what I was taught either.  Can you see the confusion?

I want to learn about the genealogy of religion and how and when each branch formed with its various sprouts from there.

So if anyone has any good sources for religion leave them below in the comments section.  Links, sources to free reading materials are always welcome.  If you know me well enough to have my address feel free to send me what you have in books or leaflets.

Knowledge is out there, it should always remain free for those willing to learn.  I want to learn.

Time For Chicken Soup

The more I listen to family the more I want to say hypocrite out loud.  Yesterday was not the best of days.  I decided I would defrost chicken to make my own chicken soup in the crock pot later today.  What I didn't want to hear was that family was not supportive of our decision to have IVF.

So I'm going to make chicken soup today.  Chicken barley and mushroom soup to be precise.  I've heard that chicken soup is the cure all so why not see if this will cure my bit of anger towards a few to remain nameless family members.

Seriously how can you not believe in IVF if you are so Pro Choice to the point that you believe in pregnancy reduction for the safety of the other fetuses?  How is it any different to create a life by medical science then to take one by medical science which is not "natural" according to most religious doctrines?  If you support the taking of the life then you should be open minded enough to support the creating of one.  Sheesh some folks really know how to turn my crank.

So yes, I'm really hopeful that this crock of chicken soup will help ease my mind, fix my nausea and vomiting and help reduce the physical pain of my endometriosis and fibromyalgia; I'm currently have a fibro flare.  Its asking for a lot I know but its obviously asking for way less than what I expected from certain individuals.

Maybe just maybe if this IVF cycle results in a baby they'll have a change of heart about the procedure.  If they don't and they slight my child because it wasn't created by natural causes I'm going to get really pissed off.

You've Got To Have Faith

Now its time for me to make some decisions before I create a baby with my husband.  I realize that we've yet to even get my husband home to create said baby but its still nice to think ahead, to plan if you will.

Many of my friends who follow one path raise their children in another and find that it cause conflict at home.  My husband was raised in a different faith than that of mine.  I was raised Roman Catholic.  No longer do I follow that path.

Perhaps it can be blamed on college, being a rebellious teen, or in general just being dissatisfied with the Catholic church's strict views of women.  To them we were the sinners and are to blame for the downfall of men.  Okay, sure.

I chose to become a Unitarian.  I believe in many different religions.  I chose to incorporate them into my own practice.  Some call me a Wiccan others a Pagan but I feel that my religion is more than that.  Its far from being organized.  Its personal and with it being personal I can't really put a label on it except for the label of Unitarian.

So when my husband gets back home we are going to begin a discussion on what faith to raise our child in.  I know his mom would probably prefer the religion that she knows and brought up her two sons in.  My dad would prefer the religion that he brought us up in.  My mom, well she would also lean towards Christianity because she is all about the ceremonies from birth through death, but she would understand my choice as long as she gets to make the christening gown.  I hate to tell her there might not be the "christening" gown but she can call it what she wants and still make one but we get to chose what ceremony its used in.

For my friends out there that are of differing faiths from your spouse and now have children or plan to have children which path did you chose for your offspring?

Religious Inspiration; Tis The Season

I have friends from around the globe of varying religions.  Some have no faith while others have faith in abundance.  Has any one ever noticed how religion comes to the forefront at this time of year?  Growing up Roman Catholic we went to religious classes each weekend and mass each week.  We were far from the norm.  Usually the church was packed to standing room only twice a year, Christmas and Easter.  I never did understand why those "good" Catholics decided to only go once or twice a year and still pass judgment on their fellow humans.

I'm far from being a Roman Catholic these days.  I list myself as being a Unitarian Universalist, but with a Pagan flare.  It doesn't mean that I don't believe in the Roman Catholic, Orthodox Jew, Islamic, Hindu, etc...god, but it means that I believe in the possibility of all of them existing just with different names.  Please forgive me if I left out your religion.

Today's blog entry was inspired by a high school friend of mine.  She is a devout Christian.  I'm very happy to see that she believes in her god.  I'm glad to know that she is finding her true bliss in the worship of him.  Does it make her any better than say the atheist with a penchant for charity work?  I don't know.  I guess it all depends on if either holds to their on values of life.   

Religion is really a personal belief.  No one person is correct.  I'm sure that my ideas differ greatly from my husband just on the very fact that we had different childhoods not to forget that we both grew up in different religions.

I'd like to wish all of my readers a very Merry and a Happy whatever they are celebrating this year.  Today I'll be celebrating Yule.  So Merry Yule to all my Pagan friends that celebrate the renewal of the sun.

Hopefully no will take offense at the video below.  Its just humorous how far we in the US have gone to make sure everything is politically correct these days.

Serenity and no its not the Sci Fi tv show

 The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

 The above prayer is the one my mother would often recite to herself when things just didn't go as she had planned.  I chuckle now seeing the actual words written out above and how they can apply quite well to the life of an Army wife.  I'm not the religious sort, more of the spiritual type leaning away from any organized religion.

The Army life brings with it many challenges.  Just yesterday I get a phone call from my husband, after 1700 hrs, stating that he wasn't sure what time he'd be home.  Our routine is forming.  Before he deployed to Iraq last year he was home all of six months and we had barely had time to form any routine.  Before Iraq he was in Korea for a year and before that he was in BCT and AIT which took up eight months.  I'm still adjusting to Army life with my spouse actually being home.  For the better part of three years I've been living alone, eating alone and in general going about my own daily routine without interruptions with the exception of doctor appointments.  Now I'm learning about sharing my time with a guy that has a very busy lifestyle.


Before Army life my spouse was an outdoorsy type of man.  He would teach snowboarding at a NY ski center.  I tried snowboarding once and had lots of fun falling.  No seriously I laughed when I'd fall and try to get back up.  During the warmer months he'd work as a journeyman landscaper.  He loves being in the outdoors.  So it should have come as no big shock to me that when he got home from Iraq he started digging holes in the yard.  Not just one hole to enlarge a garden but several holes.  He has now installed a drip edge and filled in the low spots in the lawn, front and back!

So as I roll up his laundry into the style he has become accustomed to since learning it in BCT I'll roll this up as well for today.  I'm learning to accept this new lifestyle and all that it brings to me with friends and new experiences. Tomorrow is a new days with its own challenges that I'll learn to accept as they come my way and hopefully not complain too much about but that is still to be seen.

To those of you that read my blog, many thanks!