Ah the clomid is working over time to mess up my cycle length I can see. I normally have a 24-26 day cycle. I'm not pregnant any more or possibly never was since the two lines I got twice last week could have been a figment of my imagination. The final hpt was negative. The spotting has started. On to the next cycle.
J and I have sat down and discussed more options. He finally spoke up. He is worried about my health. He doesn't like what all these drugs are doing to my body. I don't either. We are talking about only trying for a few more cycles until he deploys and calling it quits. No donor egg cycle. No adoption. Just living our lives without children.
There is no shame in calling uncle when you've done two IVF, numerous rounds of clomid ( I started those when he was in AIT in 07) some with IUI in 2011, and trying natural too. We've done it all for what we could afford. Its now getting to the point that if I don't get pregnant soon I can't see myself chasing after a baby if it even ran into the street. Oh I would surely try but don't forget I often use a cane to walk with; today I used my cane.
So this is where we are going. We will slowly fade away from the fertility treatments and slip comfortably into middle age knowing that we did our best. There is no shame.
I've been looking more into pet adoption and will continue to hold off for a while yet. IF per chance I do have a miraculous pregnancy I want to have a pet free environment. I was and still am allergic to dogs. J has a mild cat allergy, his mom has a bad allergic reaction to cats. I don't want to risk our off spring being subjected to asthma attacks related to allergies. I have them and it not fun.
For now I'm going to concentrate on fixing my health. I have an endoscopy this week at the gastroenterologist office. When I eat my stomach gives me sharp pain. When I don't eat my stomach gives me sharp pain. I'm guessing here, maybe an ulcer since I've had them before. Thank you stressful life.
There is no shame. You have given it your all and still are. Glad you guys are on the same page. It makes things so much better. I hope you figure out what is going on with your stomach and feel better soon. I hope J's back gets better soon.
ReplyDeleteThe Endoscopy I go through on Wednesday should hopefully yield some answers. J is trying to get another appointment for his back today. Its time to bring the fun back to sex that we lost when IUI's and IVF came into the picture.
DeleteYou are ABSOLUTELY right, there is no shame in deciding when it is time to leave the TTC journey and go on. Only you can know when it is time, and if it makes you sicker and sicker, you have to question, is it worth it to be so sick? I think that is a great idea to work on getting yourself better physically. And I hope if you do have an ulcer, you can get treat it quickly and successfully.
ReplyDeleteI've had an ulcer before and all they were able to treat it with was prilosec. I went off the prilosec so that we could try to conceive. Got to love the irony.
DeleteMy heart absolutely broke to read your post, Rebecca. I admire you infinitely for being so unbelievably brave and stoic through everything you have been through. I really do hope that you are able to improve your health and find a happier way of life for you and your hug. I will still pray for a miracle pregnancy for you. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you BW. I still have some hope because I know that I do ovulate on my own. Its now just an egg quality issue.
DeleteI can absolutely relate to what you are saying about the moving on part. Although we do own "The Rapp" zoo, bed and breakfast. Thank goodness I am not allergic to animals or I would have to move out of our home.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get some answers at the doctor office this week concerning the pain you are having.
I miss having my pets around. My black cat was my favorite I have to admit. He traveled with me from NY to TX to Germany and back to NY. I refused to ditch him just because the military wouldn't pay for his movement with me. Animals are a great source of comfort.
DeleteYour post really hit home with several points.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you are at that fork in the road, but I agree that there is nothing wrong with setting limits to how long you will continue this journey. All of us have our personal stopping points, based on finances, age, health etc.
I am the same age as you and I too have decided that this year is my last for TTC. There are older women who are successfully becoming Mom's but I have put my own personal age limit to where I would feel comfortable.
Also, a lot has to do with understanding that you have done the best you could given your circumstance which it looks like you have done.
Lastly, I agree about the pet adoption. I too really want a dog, but have held off as I was TTC and did not see any point in getting a pet now. But defintely my plan is that if I dont get pregnancy I will get a pet and be happy with my child free life.
Having said all this I do hope that you keep trying naturally for now and I hope you get lucky. Have you been tested for why you keep gettng BFPs and then BFN's? Or do they just say bad egg quality?
It comes down to bad quality eggs. Temporarily they implant but then the embryo just stops growing. We had such hope for this last cycle when our RE spotted the corpus luteum in one follicle. Such is life, we all know its not fair.
Delete