September 7, 1996 I had just been released from the hospital after my first miscarriage. I had to have a D&C. I get home and change into pajamas and relax on one of my couches when I get a knock at the door. My friend, another infertile, from across the street is at the door. I let her in. She tells me how sorry she is that I lost my baby. She has lost several herself. She gives me a miniature rose plant. I weep a bit over her kindness as my own family has ignored my pain and loss. However, she does something that I would never do. She tells me she is pregnant. Okay really? You know I just lost my babies at 10 weeks 6 days and here you are telling me that you are pregnant? Why? I didn't say anything mean to her. I congratulated her and she left. I had my little tantrum about how life is unfair after she left.
I'm not sure why people can be so insensitive to someone that just lost a baby but they can be. I think it hurts even more when its someone that should know what I'm feeling. A spouse, parent, sibling, friend, who knows about the infertility shouldn't ignore the situation or person when the infertile really needs them to be there for support.
Now to update all of you that don't know all that much about me. I'm infertile that much is obvious from the above. I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, PCOS, Age related infertility (I'm 42), and a history of repeat miscarriages.
Often, because of pain I don't leave the house.
Often, because of pain I can't do what everyone else can do.
This doesn't mean I should be ignored. It doesn't mean I am faking the pain either. Infertility is not contagious. If I'm sick and want to stay home it doesn't mean I should be ignored and treated as though I have a communicable disease.
Go educate yourself here: http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
I am so sorry. I've never understood how people think sometimes. But it does make me much more considerate of others.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
Sometimes people are really thoughtless :( It hurts worse when they seem to maybe get it, and then totally don't... it's always a cruel shock.
DeleteIt really amazes me at what I have heard come out of fertile people's mouths lately. You are going through a lot and it would be nice if someone would stop just long enough to understand that and say something supportive and sincere. I wish it was easier for us all.
ReplyDeleteI'm still trying to get my husband to think before he speaks. There are times he says stuff that is really hurtful.
DeleteThanks. Some people really should think about what they say before they say it.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you had to hear that when you were hurting. I think a lot of people lack empathy and common sense.
ReplyDeleteAs I've been told before, common sense isn't all that common or else we'd all know how to do what we should. It is a shame that the foot to mouth filter doesn't exist.
DeleteJust gobsmacked at your friend - such a sense of timing - is she a drummer?! - I know this is 15ish years ago, but . . . fark! Sorry that happened to you
ReplyDeleteWell you know how it is when you get all hyper about something you can't wait to share with the world, that filter of who you should tell just disappears.
Deletebig hugs to you
ReplyDelete