Walking Deeper Into The Woods

This month is almost gone and I have much to be thankful for.  Yesterday I started by thanking God.  He deserves as much credit as any person that helped me on this journey and then some.  Second is my cat, Bugsy, who helped me get through the two week wait.

Well okay I guess my husband does deserve some credit to but he is so full of stress from his job right now that he isn't that supportive until yesterday.  Yesterday changed our lives.

Yesterday I had my first good thing happen during all the years that J and I have been trying to conceive with dual infertility.  I finally got a Beta above zero.  Now I just have to deal with all my other health issues including the wonky thyroid.

Beta was 224 and the TSH was 3.5.

I have to up my synthroid to 75 mcg.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow's second Beta will bring a number double to the first.

Oh and friends, I ask of you this, please promise me that you won't tell anyone in J's family about the pregnancy.  He wants to wait until he is ready to tell his parents; probably Christmas when I'm closer to the end of the first trimester.  So don't mention it on my fb page if you know me there either, please.

The longest I've ever been pregnant, that was way before I met J and back when I married the first time, was 10 weeks 6 days.  I know that I'll end up on bed rest eventually since I have high blood pressure that is difficult to control even with being on a high dose taken twice daily.  I'm going to have to be careful.  Maybe some of you will recall that I had a heart attack in March of 2009.  Yes, this is risky but it is what we want.

Finally some really good news from my blog to share with all of you on the first day of ICLW.

S.A.L.Talks

Secret
After
Lunch
Talks

Yesterday after my lunch J showed up to have his and we talked about how my blog is a "threat" to national security.  I thought he just had to kidding.  How could my vagina blog have anything at all to do with security?

J told me without a smile, "Babe, the government owns your vagina."

Me:  "How do you figure that?"

J:  "They pay for your treatments."

Me:  "Can I get a refund?"

We came to a peaceful agreement that I'm screwed without the petroleum lube and cigarette finish.  What is the worst they'll do to me?  Fine me?  Jail time?  Tell my college to revoke my degree in English?  Or maybe they'll just die laughing while reading what I wrote?

Well since I'm married to a soldier who has a job in the Army which is, well I'm not allowed to mention what he does, anything I do that is public has to be investigated to.  I really hope they enjoy reading my blog posts. 

I have failed my secret mission.  We all know from the outside that Army Wives are extra fertile.  Maybe that has something to do with the investigation into my vagina.  I've covertly followed a few pregnant ladies around the PX to find out what they would buy for their expectant bundle of joy.  No big secrets there.  Enlisted wives buy the best bargains they can find off the clearance rack while wistfully looking at the regularly priced merchandise and putting it on their wish lists.

Now I realize that I must have gotten into the wrong line at West Point where I got my first military ID card.  I should have found the line that gave me fully functioning reproductive organs.  But I wasn't clued in to where that line was.  Heck, I had a hard time just finding the building where the ID cards were done as all the buildings look alike and you are just given a building number to go find.  Mind you the building numbers rarely go in order like houses on a street.  So is there any wonder I'm a misfit infertile Army Wife?

Keeping Secrets

Inside this house many secrets are kept.  For now I'll share two with you.

Yesterday we finished the decorating the tree and I thought it would be nice to post an updated photo of the exterior with our tree in the window.

The first secret I'll share with all of you is that my tree is a bit of an illusion.  But you'll have to look at the next photo to see what I'm talking about.

 My tree is not full sized like it appears to be from outside.  No I don't have room for a huge tree.  I have my tree on an antique oak stand in my front living room window for all outside to see.  I think it makes for a pleasing view, don't you?

This is my tree with the lights on in the house but not lit on the tree.  I've made most of the decorations for the tree including the ribbon with all the bells on it and the tree skirt.  All hand sewn.

But this means its time to tell you the second secret I had promised to share.

Yesterday while decorating the tree I was unwrapping the special ornaments, not all did I make mind you.  As I was unwrapping a glass angel I started to choke up with tears.  I bought that ornament for my first pregnancy loss.  I decided it was too painful to put on the tree this year.

See the secret is that I did get pregnant this past cycle natually and I did lose it.  Two pregnancies lost in such a short period of time.  One via IVF the other naturally and both meant so much to us.  We did have hope.  But I knew that it was futile as the reason why I lost the babies the first time in 1996 was the fact that I didn't have enough progesterone in my system and going natural meant running that risk again.  Still it was nice to know we could create one of our own without help.  I guess I just need to have my hormone levels watched more closely for a dive in progesterone next time.

So last night I was angry.  I decided to put up just one gold angel to represent all the lost babies we've had.  J stood by me and he hung the angel.  I was so angry at myself I just wanted to destroy the tree but I didn't.  I held back the rage and just let the tears slip down my cheeks.

We are still going ahead with the IVF for January.  I'm on the pill.  I'm cranky with the bloat.  Weight loss is an uphill battle right now.  If I can maintain or lose a bit I'm good.

I've gotten my blood work back.  My numbers are as normal as can be for CD3, I'm on CD7 now. 
CD3 numbers:
E2 30
LH 8.59
FSH 7.54

Luteinizing Hormone (LH)

Day 3

< 7 mIU/ml

A normal LH level is similar to FSH. An LH that is higher than FSH is one indication of PCOS.

Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH)

Day 3

3-20 mIU/ml

FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate. In PCOS testing, the LH:FSH ratio may be used in the diagnosis. The ratio is usually close to 1:1, but if the LH is higher, it is one possible indication of PCOS.

Estradiol (E2) Day 3 25-75 pg/ml Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.

Rose Water

Today I was inspired to make my own rose water.  I used two of my red roses but not the white one and the recipe from Patricia Telesco's Kitchen Witch's Cookbook.  It came out great.  It was by no means an over powering scent.

I cooked it down on my stove at a simmer according to instructions.  The petals once filtered out will now go into the compost.

This is a finished picture of the rose water amongst the drying white rose petals.

Now many of you are probably wondering what the heck I'm going to do with rose water, well I'll tell you. 

Rose water can be used in cooking, stop and see this new blogger's site, Why I'll Never Again Stop To Smell Roses to find out what she created with rose water, I find it an absolutely gorgeous creation.

Roses can be used in skin care.  See these articles: Beauty Secrets and Things You Can Do With Rose Water.

So now I have to decide if I want to cook with it or use it on my skin.  I have really dry skin so I'm going to probably opt to use it for a cosmetic purpose though Rachel's Cake does look divine.

Because I also practice Wicca there are numerous things that I can also use my rose water for with the craft.  Maybe I'll use it for cooking, craft, and beauty.