Sometimes You Have To Let It Out

This morning I had just had enough.  I actually screamed out loud in the house.  No one was around but I'm sure the landscapers heard me and so did my spouse as he was pulling into the driveway.

J and I share the vehicle.  He brought me to my psychologist appointment this morning.  This was a bad week.

I vented to my therapist about how my doctors and my spouse just aren't listening to me.  J just blankly stares at me and treats me like I'm glass at times, its so annoying.  My RE doctors just don't care what I think it is or that I'm in pain, or at least it feels like that most visits.  I mean why aren't they doing something about my endometriosis?

I told my therapist about how I'm upset that I'm still not pregnant.  That I'm facing a ticking time bomb in my womb and should probably just give up now.

JD and I talked for the hour about my issues, how I'm taking care of my needs and a possible plan to make sure that I'm getting what I need from others.  I'm not sure how I'm going to make the doctors listen to me but I am going to make sure my spouse listens.

On the way home I just cried.  I'm so tired of fighting.  Why can't any of this just be easy?  Why are my doctors ignoring me?

I sort of have the results from the stomach biopsy, my doctor called and apologized for being so behind in his paperwork of which still hasn't been mailed to me.  I have a small gastric ulcer and my GERD is bad.  Well I knew that the GERD was bad and I kind of figured I had an ulcer months ago.  He asked if I was still in pain and I said yes on the left side just under the ribs.  He ordered an ultrasound of my gallbladder.  Okay I'll get it done but the gallbladder is mid-line in the abdomen.  Unless its created a gall stone that is blocking a duct in the pancreas I doubt its the gall bladder.  The pancreas is the only other thing on the left side besides the large intestine.  I'm thinking its more likely my large intestine but I'm not a doctor.  I have IBS and the large intestine gets irritated easily.  The pain radiates around to my back on just the left side.

Parenting

I'm not one to be in contact with my parents all that often and many of you know why if you've read those particular blog posts.  Yesterday I emailed my mom to tell her that I still haven't heard on the biopsy results and that it could be another week.  They did tell me it would take 2-3 weeks to get the results. So my mom is already assuming that its nothing to worry about. Every time something arises that isn't good in my life or is good in my life she  tells me how much worse or better it is for her.  I just hate when someone can't be happy or sad for me that is supposed to be in my support system.  I need to let it go.  I just need to write my parents off like my therapist has told me.  I can't.  Call it Catholic guilt.  Honor thy father and mother bs.

So I'm still here just over two weeks now waiting for the results.  The paper work states that if by three weeks I don't receive the results I'm to call the clinic.  I've had things disappear in the mail before so if it doesn't arrive next week I won't be all that surprised.

No new symptoms pointing towards pregnancy.  Still all the same as last reported.  I know its too early for me to call this one a wash.

Something happened last night.  A close friend called me crying.  Now I have to ask all of you out there to first think before you open your mouths and utter the first hurtful thing that comes out.  I know that I do it too at times.  Last night my friend got judged harshly for how she was handling a situation with one of her kids.  Her youngest was bawling his eyes out at a nationwide chain store because she wouldn't buy him the expensive toy he wanted.  We all know that toys are expensive.  We all know that we can't start a routine of buying  a toy every time we are out with the kid either because its not affordable and two the child will think even with bad behavior it should be rewarded.

Well someone got all up into my friend's face about her parenting.  The obnoxious, judgmental female shopper told my friend she should remove herself and her children from the store.  She even went as far as to follow my friend to her vehicle and take a photo of her license plate.  This of course freaked the heck out of my friend.

I know my friend's kids.  They are for the most part really well behaved but when tired, hungry, bored, or wanting something they aren't going to get they get annoying.  We all did that as kids to our parents, even the best of us, the angels still got on our parents nerves.

Why the heck couldn't that woman stop and just think before she got into my friend's business?  Do we now have nothing better to do than to sit in food courts at mega stores annoy those with children and tell them that they should be parenting?  I don't know if this woman had children but if she did I wonder how bad of a mother she is herself.  I wonder if she would like someone else putting their nose in her business when she is trying to correct her child?

This woman judged my friend without knowing her.  My friend's spouse is deployed.  My friend is both mom and dad to the kids right now.  Its not easy being a single parent from what I've seen.

Yesterday's Fun Times

I have pictures to share with all of you.  Yummy you get to see the insides of my upper digestive tract, aren't I special for sharing them with you?

<--- Photo of the GERD damage its only Stage A so its not that bad.

Okay well you all know that I had my testing yesterday.  I went in at the appointed time and got back out about 2 hours later, even though the test only took 5 minutes to complete.  Why so long?  Well I sat in the prep and recovery room for the other 115 minutes.  No seriously they were moving slowly yesterday.  As soon as my test was done I was asking to get up and get going.  The nursing staff said to give  them a few more minutes to make sure all my vitals were fine.  Okay but I want out of here. 

<----They did biopsy two sites in my stomach because it looked suspicious.  Fun times ahead waiting for those results.


They called in my spouse to the report card room. Yes I felt like a kid being called in front of the teacher with my parent present.  But all went fairly well.  They sent off specimens for analysis.  Just a couple of biopsies.  No big deal, unless of course its a big deal but I'll find out in 2 or 3 weeks.



I'm back on prilosec for an indefinite period of time as the release paperwork stated :  -Use prilosec at 20mg by mouth once a day indefinitely.  Yay me!  I finally get myself weened off that drug two years ago and now I'm back on it again.  Hmm...wasn't 15 years of it enough?

I go upstairs to the pharmacy and pick up my script.  I chat with the pharmacist.  She suggested to me that I get an antiphospholipid antibody test done.  Okay sure.  I walk down stairs to the RE's office and ask to get one done.  They agreed.  Hmm...wonders why they never decided to do this test before?

Today I'll have the test results for the antiphospholipid test.   I never even thought about having that test done.  We'll see if the hunch the pharmacist had pays off.

Yesterday I started back on the clomid and melatonin.  We'll see what this cycle brings for me. 

Right now J is at the doctor's getting his back re-evaluated.  I hope its starting to heal.