Sometimes You Have To Let It Out

This morning I had just had enough.  I actually screamed out loud in the house.  No one was around but I'm sure the landscapers heard me and so did my spouse as he was pulling into the driveway.

J and I share the vehicle.  He brought me to my psychologist appointment this morning.  This was a bad week.

I vented to my therapist about how my doctors and my spouse just aren't listening to me.  J just blankly stares at me and treats me like I'm glass at times, its so annoying.  My RE doctors just don't care what I think it is or that I'm in pain, or at least it feels like that most visits.  I mean why aren't they doing something about my endometriosis?

I told my therapist about how I'm upset that I'm still not pregnant.  That I'm facing a ticking time bomb in my womb and should probably just give up now.

JD and I talked for the hour about my issues, how I'm taking care of my needs and a possible plan to make sure that I'm getting what I need from others.  I'm not sure how I'm going to make the doctors listen to me but I am going to make sure my spouse listens.

On the way home I just cried.  I'm so tired of fighting.  Why can't any of this just be easy?  Why are my doctors ignoring me?

I sort of have the results from the stomach biopsy, my doctor called and apologized for being so behind in his paperwork of which still hasn't been mailed to me.  I have a small gastric ulcer and my GERD is bad.  Well I knew that the GERD was bad and I kind of figured I had an ulcer months ago.  He asked if I was still in pain and I said yes on the left side just under the ribs.  He ordered an ultrasound of my gallbladder.  Okay I'll get it done but the gallbladder is mid-line in the abdomen.  Unless its created a gall stone that is blocking a duct in the pancreas I doubt its the gall bladder.  The pancreas is the only other thing on the left side besides the large intestine.  I'm thinking its more likely my large intestine but I'm not a doctor.  I have IBS and the large intestine gets irritated easily.  The pain radiates around to my back on just the left side.

Side Effects

I'm tired.  Seems that taking the Mucinex D is making it so I can't sleep.  That's right I'm up all hours of the night and day.

Benadryl was doing the same to me as the Mucinex D of which I really shouldn't be all the surprised.  But I do need some sleep soon.

I'm cranky without sleep.

My metabolism is crashing without sleep.  This means I'm starting to pack on the weight from the use of the mucinex.  Not much of yet, just under a pound, but for a fatty like me any gain is a bad thing.  Oh and the almost pound was gained overnight.

My heart is beating rather irregularly with these meds.  I mean I had a pronounced murmur the other day but now my chest is hurting.

Just a few more days and I'll be done with two of the four new medicines.  I can't wait to get off of them.

Speaking of medicines....the mail order pharmacy called me this morning about my Micro dose Lupron.  My Tricare insurance covers all but the $12.00 co-pay.  Not bad I think, even though I was quoted $9.00 in November.  I guess inflation?  So the last of my medicine will arrive tomorrow.  YAY!  I'll get it right in the fridge as soon as it arrives.  I wonder if it comes with needles or not.  If not I still have some on hand from the last IVF.

Today I have a therapy session with my psychologist.  I'll mention to her the side effect from the benadryl and mucinex I've been taking over the past week.  I have to also say its making for some wild mood swings too.  I don't have much of a choice here, I have to take something to decongest this sinus infection.  But I'm wondering if she can give me any advice for coping skills when I'm on mood altering drugs.  Maybe I should get my husband a hotel room since I'm not fit for company of any sort of late.  Hmm...maybe I should get a hotel room for me in the tropic with cute man servant and room service?

Starting Over

Today was my first counseling session with my new psychologist.  I did an intake appointment last week Friday with a psychologist but she wasn't the one I'd be seeing today.  No, she was just the one who determined the professional I'd be a best fit for.

I figured because of all the abuse I had received in my childhood I'd best go see a counselor again.  Its been a few years since I've done a tune up on my DBT skills.

The IVF cycle is already gnawing away at my patience.  I start the injections in just a few days.  I'm not sure how its going to affect my moods as the birth control already gives me migraines.  So with that said I made the appointment, went to it and to the follow up.  I'm now signed up for the 6 week refresher course on my DBT skills.  As long as I remember to daily work on my skills I should be able to get through the remainder of this IVF cycle without too many tantrums.

DBT is Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  Which really is just a set of techniques used for coping with situations.  Say I want something but I don't think I deserve the item.  I need to take a few minutes to rationalize just why I don't think I deserve the said item.  If I don't deserve the item for reasons such as: its way out of my price range, I've already bought myself a reward or someone needs something more with the money I'd spend on the said item I have to think about it more.  Do I really want it?  Why do I think I don't deserve to treat myself to the item?  Am I putting too many others above my own self and am I devaluing my own self worth by doing so?

More examples would be how I manage my anger.  I have a temper.  There I've said it.  But who am I hurting by letting my temper rule?  Me or others or both?  I could have a temper tantrum without regard to who I hurt but, it would be better and more productive to think more rationally with explaining why I'm angry.  Its not easy though, we all know that.  It is easy though to just let the shit fly.

It does go deeper than just the two examples.  I've pulled out my notebook from my last workshop on the subject.  It goes back almost 10 years.  Just one more reason why I need to refresh my skills.

Well enough about this.  I'm hungry and tired and I need to get those cookies baked.  After all it is Wednesday and I always like to have baked goods to give to the soldiers my husband works with for their Thursday treat.  Three hours sleep means I'd best get them baked so I can take a nap too.  I can shovel food into my mouth and do my baking too.  I'm particularly good at that multitasking exercise.