Esophagogastroduodenoscopy Today

I'm scared. There are two possible outcomes: either they find something wrong or they don't and all of this is just in my head because of the stress or deployment then not deploying then deploying and all the infertility struggles.

I'm sitting here thirsty like a person baking in the sun without a drink of water and surrounded by ocean waters.

I guess all I can do is just try to relax now and wait.  I go in at 0915 hrs.  I hope its just an ulcer and nothing that needs to be followed up with further cutting.  Okay so really I'm just frightened of a staph infection.  Its understandable.  They are going to stick equipment down my digestive tract and possibly biopsy.  At least when we did IVF I was given antibiotics to prevent an infection since they were going to be routing about my ovaries and uterus with a honking huge needle.  Now I face being cut up from the inside, if need be; seriously that freaks me out.

J slept in the living room last night.  I knew I'd be tossing and turning a lot last night.  I was up every hour!  He had to get his sleep as we both had to be up at 0400 hrs.

I just want to know why sometimes it feels like something is getting stuck under my ribs when I bend over or stretch.  Its in the stomach area.  Two years ago my PA told me I was exercising too much and bruised a rib.  Well I stopped exercising and the pain never went away.  I had to ignore it to push through with the infertility treatments.  Now that infertility treatments failed and I failed infertility I'm back to trying to find out what the heck is causing that pain.  Sometimes I can just be sitting there and it feels like something shifted in my upper left quadrant where the stomach sits and the pain just feels really uncomfortable like again something is caught under my floating rib pair.

Maybe its just because I'm fat?  I still have about 40 pounds to lose.  Maybe it the adipose tissue getting caught under my ribs?  Oh heck I don't know.  Hopefully I get some answers today.

J is being given the day off to stay at home with me so that I don't do anything stupid after sedation.  Also in case for some reason things go wrong.

My Eyes Decieve Me

As many of you already know I've been battling my weight for a long time.  Today I said to heck with it and decided to browse for new clothing at the Military Exchange.

The reason why I don't shop for clothing is because I never know when I'm going to get lucky enough to get pregnant.  Kate according to the supermarket check out rags, I don't read them but I saw a few with the headlines, is pregnant and 6 weeks at that.  A hard slap in the face to me as I'd be about the same right now if things had gone according to my plans.  Still if the rumor proves true I wish her well, lucky wench.

So with trying to put negative thoughts behind me I walked over to the clothing racks and searched for jeans.  I tried on 5 different pairs of jeans and 5 different brands.  I finally found one pair that fit like a dream.  No I declined to buy them as I'm afraid to gain an ounce.  In two days I've lost 1.2 pounds.  I had gained back 3 pounds this month so its about time some of it comes back off.  Funny how eating more is making it come off.  Figure that one out.

The pair of jeans I walked into the store with on my person are a size 14 and almost 10 years old.  Out of date and higher wasted with a patched hole in the left flank from an incident with a wire sticking out of the seat in my old clunker of a car I no longer own.  I have only one pair of jeans that fit me well now and the rest just hang on me which is fine because when I do get pregnant I'll have clothes for a while without having to buy any. 

I tried on Calvin Klein size 14's...way too big.  I tried on the store brand 14's again too big.  I finally ended up trying on the perfect jeans for my figure.  A pair of Levi's in size 12.  I can't believe I now fit into a size 12 when earlier this summer, August to be exact, I was a size 18.    For those of you in the UK an American 18 is your size 20. 

I'm still fat but one day I hope to be a size 8 again.  Maybe after I have my miracle baby. 

Oh and no I didn't buy the jeans because, like I said I'm still afraid I'll gain an ounce or worse they'll shrink in the wash.  Maybe in another two weeks, I'm in the 2 week wait right now, I'll buy them when I have a better idea of what my body is trying to do to me.

So I guess when I pass a mirror and see a bit fatty in it my eyes are playing tricks on me.  I'm not that fat anymore and have 35 pounds still to go.  Its a lot but it is doable.  Besides the look on my husband's face was precious today when I exited the dressing room for him to see me in them.  He loved how they hugged my bottom so nicely.  I forgot how shapely a bottom I have when I lose the back fat and abdomen fat.