Packing it up

Last week I fit into my regular clothing again.  Please don't hate me if you are still struggling with losing the weight you gained during your pregnancy.  I still have a long way to go to lose the 30 pounds I need to lose at my age.

I put all the clothing I had purchased for the pregnancy in a sweater box and put it under my bed.  Yes, when I had purchased the clothing I had secretly hoped that maybe I'd use it for a second pregnancy.  Alas that won't happen; ever.

Packing it up is a reality check.  I won't ever be pregnant again.  I won't ever feel another baby move within me again.  I miss having my baby girl safely inside of me, especially when she is fussing late at night and nothing seems to calm her.  Yes she is starting to get into that colicky phase of growing.  Three hours or more of crying three or more nights a week and she is almost three weeks old.

I'm still hormonal.  I'm not sure how long this will last.  Its has been a few days since I last cried, well until today.  Right now I have tears in my eyes.  It is just tears of self pity.

I know that if I had been reading another infertile's blog and she had been crying over the loss of a uterus I would probably have judged her harshly in my mind, not in a comment though, for having more than I did at the time.  I'm lucky.  I know I'm really lucky.  I'm alive and I have a baby.

I'm still really tired.  J has been taking over the feedings.  I express milk because Little E can't latch onto my large nipples yet.  J has been getting to bond with her of which she needs since he'll be going out into the field soon.  Yes, I'm afraid of being left alone with her while not being able to drive as of yet.

My incision is still hot, red, bruised and hurts where the staples were.  It still bulges on the right side.  I'd say that the ovaries are waking up but I can't be sure.  I mean it feels just like it did when I had the endo pain.  Is that even possible without the uterus being there?  I think so since the endometriosis grows where it wants to and mine loved to grow on my bowels, bladder and ovaries.

We won't be adopting a baby or an older child.  We won't be looking for a surrogate either.  With what we've gone through one baby will have to be enough for us.

Another note to share:  I just ordered two more cases of newborn diapers.  Little E is just too little still for the cloth diapers I have on hand where the weight starts on the smallest one at 8 pounds.  We weighed her the other day in J's arms and estimated 6 pounds 6 ounces.  We'll know more on Tuesday at her next Peds appointment.  Her newborn clothing is still huge on her slender frame.  We bumped up her bottle to 3 ounces every 3 hours plus what I can express.  The good feeling I get when she sucks dry the bottle of the breast milk makes the sore nipples from the pumping so worth it.  She is worth any discomfort I might have in my life.

I love Little E.  Thank you God for my precious baby girl.

Finally

Today was the last PIO injection...FINALLY!

Today was the last set of Alora patches...FINALLY!

10 weeks 3 days today.  Last ultrasound was at 8 weeks 4 days growth only one day behind my own, not the doctor's, estimated due date.  I still say the baby is due 27 July not 30 July as the last menses were on 20 October.

I FINALLY broke down and bought maternity clothing.  Oh I don't need them yet but I hope to next trimester.  Babies R Us was having a 70% off maternity clothing sale.  Unfortunately it didn't extend to the lingerie.  For $91 and change I purchased almost $300 in clothing.  I will probably need a few more items to fill in the wardrobe like a nice black dress for dates or church.   What I got with what I spent: 1 pair jeans, 1 pair dress pants, 1 pair leggings, 2 tshirt, 1 tank top, 1 short sleeved odd angle seamed shirt that distract the eye from the tummy, and 1 3 piece pajama set.  Oh and I almost forgot I also bought a parent to be card for my friend with that money as well.  So I actually spent less than $91 on all that clothing.

I've lost 3.2 pounds in 5 days.  Unfortunately I craved something last night and caved in.  It was a salty snack so I gained 1 pound of bloat back.  I wouldn't mind gaining if it wasn't water weight.

Not sure if my OB clinic is aware I'm now in the timeline for the Nucal scan.  I think since this clinic is so over crowded I'll have to be proactive with them as well.  The mass pregnancy appointment isn't for two more weeks where I'll sit through a 3 hour seminar and fill out more paperwork.  About a week later I'll have my appointment to actually see my OB team.  Maybe they'll then realize that oops we need to get her in for that scan within a week?

I'm still really worried about miscarriage.  I can't wait for week 11 to get here.  I just can't be hopeful right now as I lost the first pregnancy at 10 weeks 6 days.  For those of you that have lost pregnancies I think you can understand passing this milestone.

With J getting ready to deploy the house has not been a pleasant place to live.  I've thought about leaving for a while.  No it isn't getting violent on his end, just really shouting and stressful.  Deployments, even short ones, are hard on the military family.  My husband isn't very good at expressing himself until he blows his top.  Whereas I am the time to let him know when I am pleased or displeased right off.  I don't mince words.  Why let the anger fester I figure.  Get it out in the open where it can be dealt with right off and a solution still found while it is relevant.

I'm still waiting on the 3 hour glucose test results.  Maybe tomorrow it will be in.  When they do call I'll hopefully remember to let them know I'll be needing the nucal scan too.

Some photos of Bugsy at Christmas:

Yes that is me in jammies holding him.

He still loves me even after I put the hat on him.

Busy Equals Happy

Its Monday so I'm burning my candle at both ends today.

First thing was to get my lazy broken butt out of bed so that I could shower.  With that part done it was time to turn the computer on and get some breakfast.

Somehow between making breakfast and getting the computer going I was able to get one load of laundry into the  washer and the ingredients out for the three dozen peanut butter cookies I'm making.

I have an FRG meeting tomorrow night after two other meetings and I planned on having cookies with me to place on the dessert table.  We were required to bring a dessert with us if we go to the meeting.  No potluck this time, no its going to a sugar fest.

So with the second load of laundry now in the washer I finally have time for a high test cup of tea.  Not much longer now and I'll be giving up that delicious drug called caffeine.  I think when I start the shots I'll shelve my tea.  Until then its a caffeine rush baby!

I heard from an online company about the position, unpaid, of book reviewer.  Thank you Nicki for asking them about me.  I don't think I'll get to the most recent book as my computer software isn't liking the download format and I didn't get the message until this morning after it was sent last evening about the deadline for the next paper version of the upcoming novel to review.  Eventually I'll get on track with this company and soon I'll be writing book reviews.

I like living a busy life.  Today when I manage to find time I'll be fixing the tree skirt that has slowly been losing its beads and sequin accents over the years.  Each year I say to myself that I'll take care of it as soon as the tree is taken down.   This year I actually got out the sequins, beads and thread colors; so I have ambition.  Its a project I could presumably do from my recliner of an evening; it might end up just being that late too when I hit that particular project.

My back, so far this morning, is behaving.  Yay!  We'll see how it is at the end of the day.

Yesterday I did manage to get out of the house and do some light shopping at the McChord Exchange.  I figured since I found a great deal on jeans at the Lewis Exchange I'd check out the Air Force Base across the street too.

I saved more than I spent.  Big discounts.  I even managed to put away two Christmas gifts for this year already.  I purchased three shirts and one pair of pajama bottoms for my new figure.  Its so nice to now being wearing a L without the X in front of it.

Not to fear of me being too stupid.  I realize that when I get pregnant I'll need larger clothing but with my weight loss I have that covered since I still have all my larger size clothing.  But its just so nice to know that when I do get pregnant I can shop in more stores and have more clothing options.  I dread the tent sized clothing like you wouldn't believe.  I like my clothing to fit me, not look like I'm a total slob like some of the maternity clothes I've seen would do to a figure.  I mean really, at my age one would think I've learned how to dress myself in something other than a Mu-Mu.