Happy Yule

I celebrate the blessings of the season.  J and I handfasted 10 years ago on Yule and will be celebrating together tomorrow.

Now for those you that don't want to see an ultrasound photo then I suggest you not read any further.

Much to my delight I'm still pregnant.  With the cramping and spotting I've had I did begin to wonder.  Though the progesterone does work wonders to stave off bleeding I'm very frightened that I'll lose this pregnancy.

In a few weeks I'll be further along in pregnancy than I ever have before.  I'm scared.  I'm happy.  But I'm very afraid that I'll be smitted for being happy and lose the baby.

J tried to take some photos of the ultrasound.  I got the old machine today.  How old?  Well it is so old that it doesn't list CRL or the Yolk sac or anything else pertaining to gestational age or heart beat on the machine's screen.   So yes, that old.  Now if only the Army budget could include some much needed money for medical we'd be all set.  Maybe some forget but not all soldiers are male.  I saw quite a few pregnant females in uniform today.

Oh and don't get me started on the condition of the treatment rooms.  Small, dirty, and I think the newest item in there was the table.  I could see via the permanent stains on the floor where the old table sat.  The fabric on the seats were badly stained too.

Well to the point of the post.  Look away now if it hurts to see a pregnancy photo because I'm going to post a photo and details.

Heart beat was on track at 158 for the gestational age of 8 weeks and 4 days.  Next ultrasound will in all likelihood be in late January when I meet my new OB team.  J could see a lot more than I could while the OB was doing the transuterine ultrasound. Yes, I finally made it to a transuterine ultrasound that wasn't looking for cysts.  Milestone there!  The OB did notice, without us telling him, that I have a cyst on my left ovary.  I told him the RE office knows it is there and it is a sac of scar tissue.

J saw that that baby is facing my right hip right now.  I guess he also got to see it waving its limbs.  Wish I could have seen that one.  Maybe next ultrasound.

J won't get to see the next ultrasound because he'll be deployed but I can always get a picture for him.

Oh I was prescribe a stool softener but I already had that particular one on hand so I didn't pick it up at the pharmacy.  However I did pick up the phenergan as that might come in handy.  I'm allowed to take Tylenol for the ligament, pelvic and back pain.  J asked me if I had another question for the doctor.  I couldn't think of any.  I swear he was turning red with embarrassment.  Then I realized.  Oh yes, "doctor are we now allowed to have sex?".  Yes was the OB's answer to J's relief.  Poor man gets so embarrassed.  I'm just absentminded and seeing the ultrasound of the baby blanked my mind.  I did tell my husband that sex will depend on my pain level and puking.  He understands.  I do miss the closeness that sex brings since we didn't get the fun of conceiving this baby with the "normal" fun most couples get.

You Know it is One of THOSE Days

....when you open up your box of crackers and the whiff you get sours your stomach.  You opened said box to stave off the nausea.

That is all I'm going to say today.

Grocery Shopping

I must be out of my mind to decide to grocery shop at the end of the month the end of the year.  The three stores I went to were crowded.  I did manage to stay under budget and get quiet a few bargain.
At my first stop I purchased the unsalted nuts that I like from Trader Joes.  J bought his pineapple and flavored almonds.

Next stop I bought brand name pasta at bargain prices from Big Lots.  $1.00 a box for veggie pasta when the same brand is $1.29 where I normally would buy it.

We stopped for lunch and I had a craving for an Angry Whopper.  I haven't had one of those in four years.  Not since I moved out to the West Coast.  I rarely eat beef so please don't judge me.

Last stop was the commissary on McChord AFB.  Here is where I struck gold.  Two boxes of cereal, J eats the cereals not me as they are too full of sugar, for only $1.19 each.  Kleenex tissue 184 ct. boxes were on sale for $1.00 each so I picked up nine boxes.  With my chronic sinusitis I go through a lot of tissues. 

On the way home nausea struck.  It wasn't from being hungry nor from what I ate.  I'm not sure what brought on the episode.  No strange smells being pulled into the car from outside either.  Maybe it was J's driving?  Some of my readers know what J's driving is like and how he sometimes swerves while driving.  One cop has pulled him over actually thinking he was intoxicated.
 http://www.magellans.com/psi-bands 
Maybe I should get one of these to combat J's driving effect on my stomach?  or possibly keep some of this on hand?

Clomid Crankies

It never fails.  Every time I take clomid the symptoms are the same.  First the nausea hits me right after dinner.  Next is the headache.  Following shortly after a very short temper.

Last night when it started to hit again I asked my husband to sit down and just listen to me for a few minutes.  I knew I had to explain to him, its been almost a year since we last used clomid, what I'm experiencing.  Its in no way his fault.  I willingly took the medications each morning.  I know what I'm doing when I am on them but it doesn't mean I have to like the person it makes me change into.  I really swear that there are two of me right now.  There is the nice gentle me and the raging b*tch me that seems to take over in the evenings.  The nice me gets pushed to the back and bullied to stay silent while the mean me just vomits horribly abusive words.

Maybe I should be tranquilized for the duration of this cycle?

The only good thing coming out of this so far is the pain I'm feeling in both ovaries.  Oh yes I'm hopeful that I'm producing several follicles.  If I produce two on my own without drugs then I can hope for four, right?

12 dpo, Nothing Yet

I'm still here waiting.  I'm going to be waiting for a long time too.  I'm waiting for lab results on the gluten, I'm waiting for the HPT to hopefully show two lines though I do have my doubts and I'm still waiting for the orders to come in which will separate me from my spouse for who the heck knows how long this time.

Last night the stress of everything got to be a bit too much and I started with chest pains.  Yeah, so not fun. I like to plan.  Right now I can't do a thing but sit there and wait staring out the window or finding something to numb my mind.  I can't make a grocery list of things to buy for J to pack up.  Things that I know he'll need like an all-in-one body wash because I don't know when he has to pack out and leave.  I don't even know if he'll be going to an area where they have real showers.  Our Exchange sells dry shampoo for a reason.

On the fertility front, its now cycle day 22 and I'm 12 days past ovulation.  Usually I would have shown a faint second line by now.   I normally run a 25-28 day cycle so I still have time to show one way or the other.  Oh and I'm damn well scared that I might actually be pregnant and have to go this alone considering we all know that I'll be on bed rest with my hypertension and with no one around that can be at my beck and call.  Well okay its not like J would have been at my beck and call but if something went wrong he would have only been four miles away not thousands of miles away like he will be now.

Can you believe that within a half hour of starting the endometrin I had cramping and really bad nausea?  I never had it that bad before.  I was shaking, cold and felt like I was going to hurl.  When I used it last IVF I must have transitioned from one hormone to the endometrin without much of a second glance because I really don't remember shaking, being cold or wanting to hug the toilet.  A bit of nausea last cycle but not like this.  Anyhow the endometrin slime has started again.  In a few days I'll know if I have to continue with this or if this natural cycle of two follicles on the left ovary failed me.  I realize that at my age my eggs are pretty much rotten, still its nice to know that I can ovulate on my own.

While J is deployed I'll be coming to grips with the fact that I will never have a biological child of my own if this cycle has failed.  We will be deciding on the egg donor route or none at all and just closing up shop.  I need time to grieve for the three recent miscarriages and the one I had years ago.  I just need time to re-evaluate where I'm going in life and see where I should go from here.