Treasure

The nightmares continue.  I'm hoping that soon they'll stop. 

Last night's bad dream gave me an idea.  Yes, sometimes a good thing can happen from something bad.  "In order to create one must first destroy."  So since the bad dream was about J's cartography hobby, no he doesn't have one it was a dream, being destroyed by people that said he was wasting his time, I came up with an idea.

J could always use more hobbies besides making chain maille ren gear and jewelry, reloading ammunition, and collecting axes.  I had an idea that since he likes maps so much and took classes in college on surveying and drafting that perhaps he could start designing kids treasure maps.

Why a treasure map?  Well we have a Geo-caching that we never use.  It was a thoughtful gift from his mom but with the weather being so wet when he gets time off we've never been able to get out there.    I thought out loud, "well why don't you read up on the Geo-caching J and find out how to make treasure maps for kids?".  He is giving it some interest.  We know of two red haired boys that would probably flip over a treasure map or two.  Maybe it will give J something to do while his back is healing.

Oh and he re-injured his back the other day when they were having him move vast amounts of boxes that weren't exactly light weight.  He has to do as they command since his profile expired.  Monday he is going to get his back looked at again.  I'm hoping its not too serious.  I can only imagine the pain he must be in.  I'm used to being in pain so I ignore most of it.  But when its acute pain and you aren't in daily chronic pain its always worse.

And The Nightmares Continue

I'm starting to think that this whole trying to conceive business is traumatizing me more than the abuse I survived.  Seriously though, the nightmares I've been having are all about pregnancy and children themselves.

Last night I had two nightmares.  The first one woke me up and if I wasn't screaming in real life I know I was in my dream.  In my dream I was pregnant with twins, I've been pregnant with twins in real life too, and my family and friends were throwing me a shower.  I'm not the party type and usually don't like to be the center of attention.  All of a sudden my friends were gone.  I was left with my mom, dad and brother.  My mom and my brother were destroying everything in sight while my dad was holding me back from stopping them.  They were yelling at me and telling me that I didn't deserve to have a child.  My pregnant belly started to shrink like a balloon that had just been unknotted.  Of course that made me scream.

Second nightmare was that I was trying to adopt an older child.  Maybe the sandy haired kid was about the age of 7 or 8.  He was into everything that J and I both liked and then some.  The kid was a perfect match for us.  Of course the adoption fell through and we were devastated.

I haven't told J about either of the dreams.  He knows that I have issues with my own family from all the abuse.  Luckily I did have a session scheduled for this morning with my psychologist.  I told her everything.  Its really understandable for me to have these dreams from what she said.  It just doesn't make it any easier knowing that I have them and will probably continue to have them for a while to come.

I hate when my fears become nightmares.

How do you, my followers, cope?

What A Mess We Have

This is my laundry room or as its now known as J's staging area for his gear.  Right now its in limbo.  Half the gear was packed ready to go when his deployment orders got rescinded.  The other half was just sitting here taking up laundry room floor space.

Now we are back to waiting again; which is a good thing I guess.  This means more time to try to create a baby.  Bad thing is not knowing how long before orders are cut again.

Currently he is listed as non-deployable but we were told face-to-face in our meeting that it could change in a month, days, or weeks.  In the meantime his injuries, though minor will have time heal.  His back strain and thigh strain he got early this month will have time to heal.  The holes in his jaw from having his wisdom teeth pulled this month will have time to heal.  I don't think I'd want to fly with jaw pain.

J wanted to go.  He will probably still go once his body and mind are in the right order to go.  Dealing with so many pregnancy losses has hurt us.  I don't want him to go but I know that he has to go.  So yes, I'm going to take advantage of him being able to be here for a bit longer.  More counseling sessions should put us where we need to be once again.

Oh and I'm going to work my butt off on not gaining any more weight from stress eating.  If I kept on this path with the "when do you go" eating style I'd be a lot heavier by the time he does leave.  So far I gained 10 pounds in a month.  I started back on my diet on Monday and as of today I've lost 3 pounds.  I have to live for me too.  This means taking care of me so that he doesn't worry so much.

Now back to my laundry room to try to find a place to set up a drying rack.

Geographical Bachelorette

Each new deployment brings with it new challenges that the military spouse must learn to overcome and conquer.  We are acting as both parents to our children, though  I have no children,  I still have many responsibilities with deployments.

When J leaves I become the mechanic, the landscaper, the architect, the renovator, the painter.  J does so very much around here that often it goes without being noticed and without being rewarded.  J leaves and I become the do-it-all super spouse.  I am the geographical bachelorette.  I'm married and at the same time single.

The first two weeks of any extended training mission or deployment are the worst.  I often think that if I don't get out of my pajamas nothing will ever get done.  I force myself to shower and get dressed.  I know that life does go on and that I have to continue to be part of it or risk it passing me by.

I'm not trying to compare my life experiences to those of Natalie Taylor because she is a widow and I am married.  She lost her husband during her fifth month of pregnancy.  I do have to say though, when J leaves we don't know if he will be coming back home alive.  Oh he will be coming home, they do try to make sure the bodies or what is left of them make it home; that perhaps is the scariest part.  The final kiss good-bye, the tears wiped from my cheek, the last hug leaves behind a memory to cherish. The heavy ache I carry in my chest for the duration of his absence can't be re-leaved by shopping, drinking, laughing, or spending time with distraction.  The ache has to be dealt with in the quiet loneliness of the night, eating meals in solitude, going to the movies alone, driving to the doctor appointments without him.  This isn't to mean that I hide from life while he is gone, as a matter of fact, I do try to live a bit.  I volunteer, I get involved with the living so I don't dwell on what I don't have in my life.   But I'm just a bit more reserved than some of the wives and I'm always clinging to my phone not wanting to miss a phone call.

Natalie won't get those precious 5 minute phone calls.  Her loss is permanent.  But we both learn to go on with our lives.  We find meaning in our activities.  We find happiness in our friendships and family connections.  We get upset with family when they get in our way and tell us how to live our lives.



Signs Of Life by Natalie Taylor was provided for me to read and write my own thoughts about by my online book club From Left To Write, therefore any opinions expressed in my blog are my own.  I have not been paid or compensated to read and review this book other than to receive a free copy of said book from my book club.  Pick up a copy of Signs Of Life and find out just how Natalie Taylor survived that first year without her spouse, you might not be able to put the book down.

A Reminder Of Who I Am

I am an infertile.  I got my face slapped today by the results of the home pregnancy test.  It was of course a BFN.  Yes, this past week I did have two tests that had two lines.  Call it a chemical pregnancy if you will, call it evaporation lines.  I will have to re-evaluate my options once again.  Maybe I will seek out adoption.  Maybe I will still do donor eggs.

I am an Army Wife.  I know that when it all comes to a head I have a responsibility to my spouse and country.  I will try hard to not bring him shame that could affect his career adversely.

I am handicapped.  I will try my best each day to get my lazy handicapped butt out of bed.  Others tell me to rest and not try so hard.  If I didn't try I wouldn't accomplish any of my goals.  Its to easy to just quit.  I refuse to give up until all possibilities are exhausted.

While reading yesterday I came across a short story that I thought I'd share with my followers.  The author is unknown.

The Military Wife

     The good Lord was creating a model for military wives and was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared.  She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one.  What's wrong with the standard model?"
     The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order?  She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both father and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or 40 with an hour's notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to move to a new location 10 times in 17 years.  And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands."
     The angel shoook her head.  "Six pairs of hands?  No way."
     The Lord continued, "Don't worry, we will make other military wives to help her.  And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired and be large enough to say, 'I understand,' when she doesn't and say, ' I love you,' regardless."
     "Lord," said the angel, touching his arm gently, "go to bed and get some rest.  You can finish this tomorrow."
     "I can't stop now," said the Lord.  "I am so close to creating something unique.  Already this model heals herself when she is sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave good-bye to her husband from a pier, a runway or a depot, and understand why it's important that he leave."
     Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation.  "There is a leak," she announced.  "Something is wrong with the construction.  I am not surprised that it has cracked.  You are trying to put too much into this model."
     The Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of confidence.  "What you see is not a leak," he said.  "It's a tear."
     "A tear?  What is it there for?" asked the angel.
     The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride and a dedication to all the values that she and her husband hold dear."
     "You are a genius!" exclaimed the angel.
     The Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."

~Author Unknown

Army Wife Woes

I love my husband, my soldier, my country.  I love being an Army Wife.

I do complain, I admit to that but usually its with good reason.

Now I need to say that the phone call I just got left me saying to myself, "this is unacceptable".    Here I am all dressed and ready to go have my meeting with the commander and J is being tasked out by his Sgt.  J called me at the top of the hour to tell me he was running late but that his Sgt. said that she had already told the commander about the delay.  I just got a call from the commander's office, the receptionist in fatigues, wanting to know the whereabouts of my husband.  They had no clue about the detail.  They were not informed by his Sgt. that he would be running late.  The commander will not be available this afternoon for a delayed meeting.  UGH!  We were supposed to discuss J's career with him today.  So I'm peeved.

I think I'll have to email his commander.  Its okay I'm one of the few that was given his email address.  It was so stated in the email I was given with the change of command.  It stated, "If you are receiving this email, I consider you an extremely important resource to our organization whom I communicated and worked  with and for on a regular bases.".  So I'm going to take liberty here and try to reschedule the appointment.  I've emailed his past commanders and we have been on a friendly basis with all of them so far.  Which I have to say isn't bad considering the rank difference.  Maybe its because I volunteer within the Army? 

The email is now sent.  We'll see where this leads.  I am hopeful that J will still be allowed to deploy.  I don't want him to deploy but it is his job.  Obama has put in place the criteria to relieve soldiers of their duty and dismiss their contracts if they are unable to perform and deploy.  The President is after all J's boss and he has to follow to letter of the law what the man dictates.

A Day Away

We needed a bit of time away yesterday.  I brought with me my crutches but I knew that there was no way I could get down to the beach with them so I left them in the vehicle.

We invited my sister with us.  Wait I have a sister?  Not a biological sister but I did upgrade my bestie, S, to sister as of yesterday.  We are a family, an Army family.  Her husband deployed recently and I'm still waiting for mine to get his orders to go.

So S, J, the 2 redheaded boys and I headed out to Port Townsend for the day.  It was spur of the moment but that is the way things sometimes end up being.  I did some Christmas shopping while in town and I'm quite pleased with the purchases I made.

J took the above photo while on the beach at Fort Townsend with the boys.  S and I walked the beach together toeing up pretty rocks.  I brought home two of the rocks.

Some of you are probably curious right now as to the results of the HPT I said I would be taking this weekend.  I did take one yesterday morning and this morning.  This morning's was negative and that means that yesterday's line was only an evaporation line.  Its now 12DPO.  I still have another 4 days to go until my next cycle is likely to start.  Usually my cycle is 24-27 days, and like I've said before I'm an early ovulator so I usually have about 16 days to wait in the two week wait.  I still have time for a positive to show up but its highly unlikely with my egg quality issue.

One bad sign, the box of endometrin I just opened, not one of the tablets has been whole.  Each one has been broken so far.  Maybe an omen?  No damage to the outer box, inner box or packaging covering each tablet.  Go figure.

Another bit of bad...If J isn't getting deployed he will most likely be pushed out of the Army when his contract is up next year.  Not fair, but what can we do about it?  I'll find out more in the days to come.