Hey You

Knock it off.  You are really getting on my nerves.  No not my readers but the embryoes inside of me. 

Mutt and Jeff if you are still inside of my uterus will try to be more consistent?

This on and off again symptoms is really driving me batty.  One minute I know for sure you are still in there and the next time I think about you and what I should hopefully be feeling you aren't doing anything to my body.

I'm hoping that you decided to stick around but you are causing me to have big doubts.

When I got up to feed you your PIO shot I knew for a fact you were there with the twinges of pain.

Now when I got up at 10 am, not even my breasts hurt.

Readers, I know it is too soon to test.  I'm only 5 days past a 5 day transfer.  The only way I could possibly show positive on a hpt is if there were three embryoes in there or I had residual from the HCG shot or in the case of some women if I  had free flowing HCG in my system more than the average female and yes there are some out there like that.  But I'm being realistic guys, even with my two IVF my beta showed less than a 1 each time.  I normally have very little HCG in me.  When I test it will most likely be blank for a while to come.  Why do I say this?

Well with good reason.  My new RE clinic, the one in Seattle knows my body well enough through all the testing I went through to know that I'm more likely to get a FALSE NEGATIVE before the Beta on Monday.    I was even told by the doctor just after transfer was completed to not test because he said was more afraid of me getting a FALSE NEGATIVE.

How could they possibly know this?  Well I've been pregnant with twins before and back then the hpts were Negative and my Beta was positive and I carried to 10 weeks 6 days.  It is all in my records.

Here is a good LINK to show you when I should test at the earliest.  Any testing before that date will yield for ME a negative.  Tomorrow I'll test and I just might get a faint line, MIGHT mind you.

Here is the chart for the 5 day transfer but there is also on the link above a chart for the 3 day transfer.

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

A Day Away

We needed a bit of time away yesterday.  I brought with me my crutches but I knew that there was no way I could get down to the beach with them so I left them in the vehicle.

We invited my sister with us.  Wait I have a sister?  Not a biological sister but I did upgrade my bestie, S, to sister as of yesterday.  We are a family, an Army family.  Her husband deployed recently and I'm still waiting for mine to get his orders to go.

So S, J, the 2 redheaded boys and I headed out to Port Townsend for the day.  It was spur of the moment but that is the way things sometimes end up being.  I did some Christmas shopping while in town and I'm quite pleased with the purchases I made.

J took the above photo while on the beach at Fort Townsend with the boys.  S and I walked the beach together toeing up pretty rocks.  I brought home two of the rocks.

Some of you are probably curious right now as to the results of the HPT I said I would be taking this weekend.  I did take one yesterday morning and this morning.  This morning's was negative and that means that yesterday's line was only an evaporation line.  Its now 12DPO.  I still have another 4 days to go until my next cycle is likely to start.  Usually my cycle is 24-27 days, and like I've said before I'm an early ovulator so I usually have about 16 days to wait in the two week wait.  I still have time for a positive to show up but its highly unlikely with my egg quality issue.

One bad sign, the box of endometrin I just opened, not one of the tablets has been whole.  Each one has been broken so far.  Maybe an omen?  No damage to the outer box, inner box or packaging covering each tablet.  Go figure.

Another bit of bad...If J isn't getting deployed he will most likely be pushed out of the Army when his contract is up next year.  Not fair, but what can we do about it?  I'll find out more in the days to come.

Still Have Some Hope

I ate to my heart's content yesterday and weighed myself this morning.  I weigh myself every morning especially since my RE doctor told me I should since I bloat easily.  I lost 0.8 lbs and I pigged out and ate of the pig too.  I made Jaeger Schnitzel last night.

Yesterday I have to admit I let the test results get to me.  I shouldn't have but I did.  I know its still early and this morning's two tests were no different either.  It seems as though my hormones peak in the later afternoon early evening time frame, just before I take my last Endometrin of the day.  I consistently take my Endometrin at 0400 hrs, 1200 hrs and 2000 hrs, 8 hours apart to keep the hormone in my system at its peak.

By late in the afternoon I was cramping again, weepy, cranky, full of snot in the nose and vaginal area, and had really sore breasts.  Again this morning very little to no symptoms and my breast which are slightly sore are back to the normal size.

According the to the test strip site for the W.ondfo's I'm currently using I'm only going to get my really strong positive line on Sunday.  Even today I'd only have a 33.5% chance of seeing a faint positive.  Count Down To Pregnancy Test

But with the cramps last night came a little bit of disturbing color.  I passed a bit of brown no bigger than my pinky nail, which is cut short because it broke off the other day.  Nothing to be seen for residue on the endometrin stick after inserting either.  Nothing today for color.  But when the cramps started yesterday I put my feet up and they subsided until I stood up again.

Either AF will be here in a few days or Hope is snuggling in for a long growth spurt.  I'm really praying its the later because I don't think I could take another miscarriage.

J has been told by me that I'm now not going to lift a finger until I get the Beta results.  Last night was the last night I'm cooking dinner as it was during the finalizing of making said dinner that the cramps were the worst.  He is under enough stress and I don't want to add to it but I too need to count right now. 

J wasn't put on the list for this month's promotion board since he didn't tell them he wanted to go nor remind them.  Its called an ARMY OF ONE for a darn good reason.  When you enlist you are on your own when trying to get a thing done including getting promoted.  No one wants to stick their neck out for you now.  Its a shame too, it wasn't like that in my Dad's day.

So yes, I'm primarily on bed rest.  I was told by the RE staff to take it easy, and  if I was in pain to stop what I was doing and go put my feet up.  I hate being high risk but if I get a baby out of this its worth it.

Disappearing

I took this photo on one of my vacations with my husband.

I'm wondering if my dreams for a baby of my own genetics are disappearing like the sun on the horizon; just slowly sinking.

My symptoms like the lines on the HPT are disappearing too.

Has Hope decided to desert my womb?

My breasts aren't as sore.

I have some nausea and some other vague symptoms but it could very well be attributed to the Endometrin I take three times a day.

I'm scared.  This seems to be going the way of my last two pregnancies. 

I guess one disturbing symptom I have of which it could be a sign that my menses will soon start is that I'm getting some egg white cervical mucus when I wipe besides the Endometrin slime.  So quite possibly I'm having another estrogen surge.

My pelvis isn't sore or tight, just kind of full and firm I guess is the best description like how it is before my cycle ends and another starts.  Last bits of pain I had were yesterday.  No spotting for implantation.  Nothing of the sort.  I'm hungry and eating more but now my weight for the fourth day in a row has stayed the same.  No gain.  No loss.

First HPT this morning had an even lighter line, if that is possible, than yesterday.  Second test the line was non-existent.

If anyone has a clue as to what is going on, fill me in because my body is just messing with my mind now. Four more days until I have the Beta.

Seeing Things

0400 hrs and I'm up just before the alarm clock is sounding its wake up for J.  Time for medications.  First the blood pressure medicine, then I pee in a cup, finally the Endometrin.  I tested this morning.

0800 hrs.  I got up again from bed.  Lazy me, at 0400 hrs after getting J off to work I head back to bed for a bit.  I go pee in a cup.

I tested twice this morning before I had to head off to see my doctor for my EFMP (exceptional family member program) update.  Well it wasn't really a doctor I got to see but a PA.  This particular one has an attitude.  But the paperwork got updated and now I just need my psychologist to sign off on her part then the next step is submitting it for approval.  Luckily this should only have to be updated every three years.

I weighed myself this morning before my appointment.  Same weight for the past three days.  I guess I'm done losing weight and now I'm just maintaining.

My blood pressure at the clinic was 120/65  awesome.  I'm doing well on keeping it down for the most part.  I have to keep it down as I'm already a high risk pregnancy with all my medical issues.

I walked into two door casings today.  Well rather hit the back of my shoulder on them with my balance issues.  Breasts are a bit tender and full today. Pelvis isn't hurting as much, few small pains but not much.  But I'm keeping hope this will work out and I'll get my baby.

Oh and as for the two tests, well its as I figured, its a bit early still to really tell.  But both times were really faint lines. If I hadn't tested for the second time I wouldn't have been able to tell it was so faint.  Remember I still don't have a Beta until Monday.  So tomorrow I'll be testing again.

Now as for the photo above.  I have an idea.  I've been thinking of it for a while and I mentioned it before to my friend Alex.  I think we were chatting about nursery ideas over the weekend and I was trying to think of things to get her later on as a gift.  Meanwhile I told her what I had in mind for the nursery of my dreams.

Yes, I realize all of this could very well go horribly wrong.  But, I have to keep hope.  For years now I've been planning and plotting.  I've embroidered several designs of wizards, sun and moon and dragon things to be framed for the nursery.  I was thinking about painting the walls, partly to look like castle walls and putting the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling.   Its not that hard to paint and I've seen the step by steps to do it but it is time consuming.  Oh and the bedroom door is brown so it would be easy to add some mock, easy to remove details to make it look like a castle door.  J loves the color grey so he'll be happy with my idea but not so happy when I hand him a paint brush I suspect.  I was thinking of making thermal curtains with sun and moons on them too.

I figure it would be a great nursery for our Princess or Knight.  It would be a sort of grow with you room since we'll probably only be stationed here until just before kindergarten begins.  What do you think?

ENT Appointment and Symptom Update

I had my ENT appointment this morning.  It went well enough.  Thankfully the two cysts on my thyroid are now one and smaller now.  I'll do another follow up in two to three years.  Until then unless my Vestibular Meniere's Disease becomes more problematic I don't need to see the ENT.  Yay!  J came with me to my appointment today and took a few notes since with my memory of late I forget to even unbuckle my seat-belt before trying to exit the SUV.

The doctor did tell me that even though my thyroid labs were normal that I would have to get them checked often during pregnancy because hormones fluctuate.  I sometimes forget that thyroid is a hormone.  Duh!

Last night I had a few episodes of balance issues.  My face almost met several walls while trying to get up to go to the bathroom.  Thanks hormones for messing with not only my bladder but now my balance centers.

So my 5dp 3dt symptoms are as follows:

• Breasts are still tender
• Urination frequency has increased
• Weight loss has stopped
• Pelvic pain has lightened up.  Uterus from palpation feels firms from above.  Could just be all that extra blood in there right now.
• Tender (not real pain just odd like) Pelvic region when trying to bend over with belt pressed into it or when cabinets press into it when reaching.  You get the idea.
• Mood swings are well...there
• Fatigue continues
• Odd dreams or rather nightmares...thanks PTSD
• Forgetfulness

All of these symptoms can be attributed to either the Endometrin or my other medical issues.  I won't start my POAS until tomorrow.  I don't expect to see a second line tomorrow because I have only one embryo in there.  If I had two or more I might expect to see the second line that early but alas I have but one so no.

I do have 17 sticks so yes I could in theory use 3 a day until I do my beta on Monday.  Will I though?  I don't know.  We'll see just how paranoid I get in the next 24 hours.

Good luck to all those trying to get pregnant this cycle.  I hope all of us are lucky enough to get take home babies.

Not Very Patient

It stands to reason that because I'm infertile and I go through so very many tests and procedures the folks about me would think that I'm a very patient person.  I'm not.  I home tested yet again this morning.

Finally I figured out the exact date of my ovulation.  16th of November.  Okay that means that the next day would be the first day in the two week wait.  Today being the 27th of November is day 11 or 11DPO for those that prefer to write it that way.  Still negative.

Being that the HPT was negative I used an OPK too, I just wanted to see what was going on there.  I got two lines.  Why on Earth would I use an OPK?  Well it can be used for a HPT. HCG and LH are similar hormones found in the body.  An OPK tests for the LH at higher amounts so that each test when positive with a dark line would show true since LH is always found in the body at trace amounts.  HCG and LH at a molecular level are nearly identical but for the fact that HCG has a little extra something however it means that an OPK can still detect HCG levels.

So knowing this I tested and found a line, not really dark but a line in the test area besides the control area of my OPK.  My OPK line is darker than the one on the website, so does this mean I won?  Well the HPT test was either so faint it had to be turned at an angle and looked at with special binoculars or there just isn't one visible without super human vision.

A better understanding of how to use this trick is at peeonastick.com 
Here are the photos for the same number of DPO to mine from their site.

For some reason my camera just bites when it comes to taking photos of late.  My HPT was identical to the above and a line wasn't really there either.  But my OPK was a lot darker.

The OPK is the blue ended one and HPT is the pink/red ended one.  Like I said my camera bites of late.  Something with the auto focus and I'm starting to wonder if it got dropped without me knowing about it. This does not mean I am ovulating as my test line was still much lighter than the control line.  I know that things can be screwed up for a while after a miscarriage.  Maybe in February I'll get the BFP after the January IVF.

Okay so if I don't get at least a decent faint line tomorrow for 12DPO I'm going to not test the following day.  I'll not test again until my period is late.  I doubt it will be late, even though my breasts still ache when I cross my arms.

Note that I've still been puking up a bit and last night my temp was over 99 but under 100 using my BBT thermometer (99.24). So I either have a touch of the flu, remainders of slight food poisoning (no more egg smelling belches after the first few hours of it), or something just isn't right in my temple.  Some tan spotting continues, had a touch of pink last night but I think it was from trying to detect the cervix position.  I might have irritated it a bit.

Whatever happens I know I have January IVF as my back up.  I'm taking it easy today because I feel ill.  J has gone to the grocery store to pick up some fill in foods to our cabinet until I feel like going for a full grocery trip again.  He can be a sweetie when he wants something.  LOL

Crossing The Dragon's Path

I broke down this morning.  I met a dragon.  I crossed its path and was tested.  Today was the earliest day possible for me to take a home pregnancy test.  I was hesitant.  As of last night I was determined to wait until Wednesday but at 0420 hrs this morning I changed my mind.

No I'm not going to share the results of the home test until I have the results of the blood test.  It could go either way still and right now I'd rather not worry.  Oh but I will worry anyway.

5 more days until I get my pregnancy blood test.

I can test again on another home test before my official blood work.  I'm scared.  Either way the test result comes out I'm going to be scared.

Right now I'm looking at baby cages.  I'm sorry to call them cages but they ARE cages.  Ugly wooden cages.  Is it my imagination or have the baby cribs come to resemble cages?  All of them look pretty much the same, wooden slats closely spaced together with no nice scroll work or embellishments done to the wood.  What happened to pretty carvings in the wood frames?  Yes, I realize they just have to be functional but really they've gotten way to minimalist in design.  If I'm going to pay a lot I want quality.  I want something that is not only functional and convertible but something that will be cherished and last a long time.

So far the only cage that has appealed to me and I don't like the color is Baby Venezia Convertible Crib but its way too expensive on a soldier's pay check.  I'll keep looking.  I am a research junkie.  This does not mean in any way the test was negative or positive either.  For now I'm keeping the results to myself and only sharing it with my spouse.  Oh and the dragons know my secret, they guard it well.

Sand Castle Dreams

photo by me Sequim, WA

There are days like today when I'm exhausted that I just like to sit back in my chair and stare off into space.  I'll day dream about all the things I could be doing if only I had the energy.  Occasionally I think up something rather interesting and run with it.  Browsing through my photos from last summer's vacation I stumbled upon the one above.  The sandcastle isn't what it seems.  I mean its sand alright but its built over Spackle buckets and glued into place.  Sequim is one of the driest places in Washington state and I guess they wanted to prove just how dry it is by having a sand castle withstand the elements.

So as I stare at the sandcastle I'm thinking about the hopes and dreams I have.  Some are yet to be fulfilled like the dream of starting a family.  I'm waiting on the blood work results as I type this.  Yet again the home pregnancy test was negative.  Full of self pity I wonder why my body is betraying me.  What am I doing wrong since I produced five follicles this month and went with an IUI.

One of my other dreams is to be a writer.  I guess this blog is as good of a place as any to brush up on my writing skills.  I'm not going to brag about having my bachelor of science in English, but I do have one.  Odd as it might seem to have the science and not arts it was because I had quite a few science classes in addition to all my English classes. My grammar skills are sorely lacking.  I forget to use proper punctuation.  Maybe I need an editor to review my blog?

The final dream that floats through my head today is the dream of owning my own home and a nice size piece of acreage to go with it.  I grew up in Upstate New York on fifty-seven acres of woodland.  I'm used to wildlife, trees, and quiet neighbors.  My parents would always tell me how lucky I was to have all that land to play on when I'd beg for a ride to the mall to meet up with friends.  Guilt trip or were they correct?  I'm inclined to think its a bit of both.  They wanted to spend some time at home with one another while we played outside but they also wanted us to appreciate what they gave us with all that space.  I do miss Upstate New York but I don't miss the drugs, crime rate, and strict gun laws.  I will most likely never move back to my hometown no matter how much I long for the fresh air and old faces.  My home now is with my husband where ever the US Army might send us.  One day we'll have our own house, our little castle built on a foundation of love.