Roller Coaster Ride

The LH surge has disappeared and my mood has changed again.  Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist today.  This is the first appointment since losing the embryo earlier this month.  She has no clue what is going on and I wish I hadn't had to of  waited so long to get in to talk to her.  But at least I still have an appointment.  J was lucky enough to be seen by an Army counselor the very next day after we got our beta results.  I, however, had to wait.

I'm angry again.  I'm unable to console friends right now.  Yesterday yes, today no. 

I broke something over the weekend.  Its small but very important.  I got angry.  I hated the little object.  Its out for repairs now.  It was never something that I picked out for myself.  No it was something I felt was forced upon me to always have and it wasn't my choice.  So after its fixed I'll have it back in my possession once again.  Hopefully I won't get so angry again as to break it once more. 

I'm depressed.  I've gained three pounds this month.  Yes, three pounds might not seem like a lot to most of you but when I'm half way to my next goal and I gain three pounds back its a lot.  Add to the insult that I was still "pregnant" when I weighed less it makes me angry and depressed.  So today I put on my tightest jeans and I'm sucking in the discomfort.  It will remind me that I have a goal.  It will remind me to not over eat, well I hope at least.  I don't really know where I over ate in the past two weeks but some how I did.  Two donuts over two day?  One slice of pizza?  Yes, I've been good.  I have no clue how or why it just decided to come back to my mid section but it did.  So its depressing me.

Last night I went from horny to harpy in just a few hours.  Sure I've done it faster before but still I don't like it when it does happen.  I could blame it on the borderline personality disorder  but in the end I'm still responsible for my own mindfulness.  I shouldn't let my emotions bleed out the way I can and sometimes do.

Because I know that this roller coaster of emotions is triggered by the loss of the embryo and most likely trying to conceive again too soon without healing properly in-between, I can identify from an outsider's point of view what to expect.  I'm going to chug back up to the top of that roller coaster with all I've got and try to stay there as long as possible looking for the straightaway.  I have to.  I have no choice.

What Do A Grapefruit And A Tennis Ball Have In Common?

What do a grapefruit and a tennis ball have in common?  Well for me its my right and left ovaries.

Today I had not just one internal ultra sound but two and a pelvic scan done.  I have two ovarian cysts now.  Dr. B explained to me that the one on the right ovary is 9 cm in size or about the size of a  grapefruit.  The one on the left is smaller at about 6.7 cm and the size of a tennis ball for easy understanding. 


Did I mention how much pain I've been in this week?  Oh and to add more pain but this one mental the pregnancy test is a BFN (big fat negative).

Dr. B still has hope for me.  He says I have plenty of eggs left.  So we are now thinking that IVF (invitro fertilization) might be a good option and damn the consequences to our savings account.  We are also considering EA (embryo adoption).  Believe it or not EA is less expensive than IVF.

J really wants a child of his own genetics, I guess I do too.  EA is still safe up to the age of 45 so I have some time left I found out thanks to the wonderful nurse M.  M even printed out for me information from a website on EA.  Truly I love the idea.  I'd still get the chance to have a pregnancy and adopt but all in one sweet cooing package. 

Maybe if we have one of our own genetically soon we'll do EA for the second one.  I love children.  I'd love to have several but financially its just not possible.

So okay back to the ovarian cysts.  The sharp pain just reminded me of my topic.  I was stupid the other night and ignored the pain I was in.  With fibromyalgia and back problems I'm always in some sort of pain.  Dr. B said next time I get that pain to go directly to the Emergency Department.  I didn't realize I could lose an ovary out of this deal.  I really don't want that to happen.

Dr. B wanted to put me on birth control pills for at minimum of one cycle possibly three.  I told him I'd be willing to do it and would deal with the migraines that I get from birth control pills.  Once he heard I get migraines he said he wasn't going to put me on the birth control pills.  They would possibly have helped since they would prevent the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and LH (lutenizing  hormones) from further stimulating follicles.  Oh and I'm off sex until further notice too.  That I think hurts the most.  No sex.  Dr. B also said no trampolines or jiggling movements which of course gave me some splendid ideas but I won't go into those here.  He is worried about the torsion more so than a cyst rupturing.  By the way the cysts are growing large enough to push behind the uterus and press against my intestines which is causing all my back pain.  It hurts to sit, stand and even lay down. 

Dr. B decided to prescribe me percocet for the pain.  He prescribed me enough for two days worth or twelve pills.  Since I hate taking narcotics I'll most likely take them only before bed.  For now I want to be alert.  I like have coherent thoughts.

Poor J is going to be stuck with the majority of the housework if bending is causing me any pain.  But he is okay with that, or so he says now.  He spoke with Dr. B and said he wanted to make sure I had no wiggle room around the  instructions because I always find a loop hole to get done what needs to be done when he isn't around.  So yeah, I'm not allowed to do much of anything for a while.  I'm going to go nuts by Monday.

If you are reading this and live in my area come visit me.  I'm now the sick friend that isn't allowed out to play for fear of injury.    I really wish I had a hot tub.  I could use one right now.

Big Fat Negative

I'm so frustrated right now.  Just thirty minutes ago I took a home pregnancy test.  It was negative.

I tell my husband.  He says, "Well you didn't think it would work the first cycle anyway."

I say, "true".

But for all that I was telling him it probably won't happen the first cycle it was to make him not feel bad.  I took the ovulation prediction test.  I saw my Lutenizing Hormone surge line on the kit.  I felt the ovulation pain.  The clomid ensured that I would ovulate.  I normally ovulate and blood work has proven that fact.  I only went on the clomid to even the odds because I'm not a spring chicken and his test wasn't perfect either.

 I wasn't wanting to hear what he said as he rushed out the door to work.  I didn't like him saying what he did say.  No I wanted a hug.  I wanted the chance to cry on his shoulder.  Dammit why me?  What am I doing wrong?  My other cousins can get pregnant easily enough.  What are we doing wrong?

Oh and folks don't start with that whole thing on relaxing.  Does the female that gets pregnant from a rape ever relax during the act?  Think on that one a bit.

No praying to the Christian god or converting isn't going to make me more fertile or give me what I want.  Do the vastly over populated Chinese pray to the Christian god?

Maybe I tested too early.  Maybe the test kit, being a cheap one because my neighbor used up my last two designer ones, isn't sensitive enough?  My cycle before the clomid use would have started tomorrow making a normal home pregnancy test kit work just fine.  The control line showed bright pink, the test was working fine but, I must be broken.  However, if the clomid is changing me out to a thirty day cycle who the heck knows when the test kit would work.  Maybe if I wait another five days and test again.

I have to get a blood test before I start my next round of clomid.  But almost always the Army medical staff will only give you a blood test if you've stated that you've done a home pregnancy test first.  I know this for a fact.  If I don't start like I should it would mean provera to get me started which would delay the use of the clomid even more.  In order to start the next round of clomid I have to first have a bleed.

My breasts ache, my pelvis is sore, I pee way to much for someone having gone off of the water pill and the nausea at night is just wonderful.  I sleep almost sitting up so I don't puke in my mouth.  Totally gross in my book.  Something is going on in my body involving hormones.  I'm not sure I like it if its from the clomid.  I'm losing my appetite from the nausea.  I guess since I'm obese that isn't such a bad thing.  Even with losing a couple of pounds this week my fat clothes are snug from the bloat.

I'm miserable and my spouse is callous today.  I'm so glad we have that appointment with the Family Life Center today.  I love my husband but he just doesn't understand what I'm suffering with these hormones.  He doesn't understand that a hug would have been an appropriate response to the test being negative.  I'm not a guy.  I don't have as much serotonin in my body as he does.  I need a hug.  I need to know that he still loves me.

Now I'm off for a good long cry in the shower.  At least the shower will hide my sobbing noises.

Just why?  Why can't I be blessed with a baby?  I just want one.

Yes I know a pity trip.  Damn tears are already starting.