Overwhelmed

I'm so tired.

I've gained 7.4 lbs in a week.

Thank you statin med for messing me up so bad.  I'm in a lot of pain and I've gained weight which doesn't help.  It can trigger hypothyroidism which in my case would make me taking the synthroid useless.

The PTSD nightmares are in full swing.  I've told my husband to knock it off when it comes to his hovering over me at the foot of the bed.  It is scaring the crap out of me.

Still having marriage issues.  I think that they are possibly worse now that we have a baby.  Any time I ask him to help out I swear it is like an episode of Blackish where Dre is looking for a pat on the back for loading the dishwasher.  I showed my husband that episode and he didn't like how it made men look bad.

I get that my spouse is busy but I'd like some family time where we are actually spending that time together as a family.  J just loves to create an argument.  He said the other day that he has verbal diarrhea and knows it gets him in trouble at times.  Is it too much to ask for that we could actually communicate once in a while?

Hoping we'll actually get the chance to see a marriage counselor soon.  I'm honestly not sure I want to stay in the marriage any longer.

Weight Gain Won't Clean This Post

Anyone get the laundry detergent pun in the post title?

Well okay this week I managed to gain a total of 1.8 pounds.  Go me!  Not really.  Rather upset at my body.  I guess my plans for pushing the loss to 3 pounds didn't go so well.  I didn't mess with my diet.  I ate more protein, less salt, more fiber, drank more water, exercised more.  The estrogen won out.  Damn!

All I can do is hope that I hold out even the next couple of weeks before the transfer.

I did everything possible to lose that 1.8 pounds.  Boo!  I even ate BEANS last night for dinner. I made the beans from dried beans as to make sure the sodium content would stay down.  Damn estrogen is still constipating me a bit.  Every time my estrogen is up, I hope it isn't up too much, I get issues with weight gain and IBS.

I ate oatmeal yesterday too.  Adding in even more fiber so that not much fat would stay with me.  For two days I have weighed the same.  Maybe I should be thankful that I'm staying the same and not gaining?  Okay so I am thankful God, please don't let me gain more.

I think this jacks my BMI back up 34 again.  I think I told all of you before, at least once, that I am quite embarrassed by my size.  I'm a size 16.  I'm obese.  Wishing I were still a size 8.  But that size 8 is still in there, I ate her!  Hmmm...maybe that would explain why I'm having troubles going poo? 

I blame my weird sense of humor on the warped reading choice of late.  I'm reading a book by the Harvard Lampoon, a spoof on the Rings trilogy.  Thar be a lot of poo in them pages.

Well now that I've gotten the shit off my brain I feel a bit better.  Hope all of you have a fantastic Friday.

Money, Monitoring, Weight, and Projects

So yes this is going to be yet another boring update post.

First off J and I finally got to work together on the bookcase.  Yesterday he and I sealed the bookcase with polyurethane.  We did three quarters of the bookcase since there is just no way we could do it all without it sticking to something.  This weekend coming up we'll hopefully finish up the first coat.  If need be I'll deal with it only having one coat of sealant.  The headboard still needs to be done and I want that sealed before the move too.  Georgia is very humid and I'd rather the wood not warp.

I've been working on the touch up painting around the house.  I realized that the cherry sauce stain on one wall would take several coats of paint.  Wishing right now I had a really small can of Bin sealer as it would paint over that stain really quickly.

Sunday morning I got on the scale and noticed that I gained back 0.2 pounds.  I didn't drink enough water on Saturday.  Today I got on the scale and found I gained another 0.8 pounds.  Again I didn't drink enough water on Sunday.  Today I'm working on drinking enough water to get rid of the bloat.  Lupron does make me bloat easily.

I have my suppression monitoring appointment tomorrow morning.  I also have my E2 and D3 level draws to look forward to.  I'll post those results.  Still bleeding too.  After a month of spotting this is really getting to be annoying.

I'm getting a refund from PNW.  They knew I'd be doing my monitoring at my local clinic.  I knew they over charged me and forgot to charge me for the initial consult.  I called three times about that error and finally heard back today.  Not bad only took two and a half weeks for them to realize I was serious about the money.  So they'll be crediting me with $500 and charging me with the initial consult.  In the end I was told I'll be getting roughly $200 put back to my credit card.  Fine with me.   I'll apply it to other charges I'll be making over the next few months.  Always little unexpected things like the software to convert the VHS to DVD so that we can lighten our weight for the move.  VHS tapes weigh a lot.

That is it for now.  Boring normal life and I'm happy to say it is drama free!

Day 3 of Bed Rest

I'm so sick of just relaxing.  I wish I could curl up with my books but no curling my legs inward towards my pelvis just hurts.  So I sit in my recliner with my legs out straight waiting for my butt to go numb.  I have to get up every 30 minutes to pee because I'm trying to push out as much bloat as possible.  Its not working!  I gained 1.4 pounds over night!!!

Now for the rest of the lab results:

The HGB A1C level was 4.8 which Nurse J said was normal...yay I don't have sugar issues.  I'm not sure what 4.8 means as of yet but I'll look it up later.  Okay looked it up now 4-5.9 % is normal so even with eating a lot of sugary crap the night before the test, hey I didn't know I was going to be tested, I'm still perfectly fine.  Not a diabetic.

The progesterone was only 2.  WTF!  I know I ovulated as the corpus luteum cyst showed just that very thing.  Does this mean that I'm revving up for another ovulation again?  Or does this mean that my progesterone level just bottomed out?  Nurse J said that it means I didn't ovulate.  Okay maybe she should read my chart next time and see that I did ovulate since its in the doctor's notes.  We know I don't like Nurse J.

As for the ovary pain well this morning it felt like someone was pushing down and inward on my iliac wings and pressing upward on the lower lumbar.  Kind of like folding me in half like a piece of cardboard feeling.  Not at all pleasant.  In 1.5 hours I can take my next pain pill.  Sitting here at the desktop even for just a short period of time hurts.  I feel like such a wuss until I realize again just how big my cysts are:  TENNIS BALL size.  I'm thinking that they probably grew a bit last night.  Come Thursday when the pain meds run out if I'm still in pain I'm going to call the RE office and beg for another ultrasound to see just how much bigger they got.

Delay, Dilemma, or Doom

I can feel a storm approaching in my ovaries.  I know that sounds a bit odd but those that have suffered through IVF will understand.

One of the RE doctors called me yesterday about my E2 day 3 lab results.   I knew it couldn't be good since the clinic was closed due to the snow so they would only call if it was bad news.   It wasn't good.  I can find no one that would cheer about a count of 1064 on only day 3.

I'm taking a deep breath in right now and trying to blow away the stress.  I might end up with a cancelled cycle.  I might end up with OHSS if the number continues to climb.

Dr. B. told me the Gonal-F will have to be reduced from the 525 to 375.  The Lupron and Menopur will both stay where they are right now.

I should have known this was going to happen.  Tuesday I started producing the egg white fertile cervical mucus that we infertiles always seem to look for each month.  I had it and I'm like wtf?  Seriously why now?  Something isn't right.

I should have known when yesterday my pelvic region is so puffy that my 16's are snug from only a 0.6 lb weight gain in two days.  Forget wearing my l4's which were still lose on me only three days ago.   It looks like I've gained 10 pounds.  Today I stepped on the scale only to see another 0.6 added to my weight in just one day.  That makes 1.2 pounds in three days.  Will the weight gain stop?  Its not my eating for sure, I'm closely monitoring what I eat and how much exercise I get.

I should have known when the cramping started and the back pain became almost unbearable.  Usually that pain only hits when I'm close to the retrieval time or ovulation itself.  The pain was radiating down my legs and up my back.

So yes, I'm a bit worried.  Hopefully I'll keep my blood pressure down.  Hopefully the Circle + Bloom will work its magic and I'll just have extra recruits. I had only 5 antral follicles.  I'd love to have 10 so that I might be able to freeze an embie or two.

But I'm being a realist here.  I'm quite aware that this cycle might be cancelled.  I've prepared my husband for the worst.  Now I'm going to hope for the best.

If you are the praying sort would you keep me in your thoughts and prayers that this cycle will still give me that take home baby?  I know its a lot to ask for, but I'd do the same for you.

Roller Coaster Ride

The LH surge has disappeared and my mood has changed again.  Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist today.  This is the first appointment since losing the embryo earlier this month.  She has no clue what is going on and I wish I hadn't had to of  waited so long to get in to talk to her.  But at least I still have an appointment.  J was lucky enough to be seen by an Army counselor the very next day after we got our beta results.  I, however, had to wait.

I'm angry again.  I'm unable to console friends right now.  Yesterday yes, today no. 

I broke something over the weekend.  Its small but very important.  I got angry.  I hated the little object.  Its out for repairs now.  It was never something that I picked out for myself.  No it was something I felt was forced upon me to always have and it wasn't my choice.  So after its fixed I'll have it back in my possession once again.  Hopefully I won't get so angry again as to break it once more. 

I'm depressed.  I've gained three pounds this month.  Yes, three pounds might not seem like a lot to most of you but when I'm half way to my next goal and I gain three pounds back its a lot.  Add to the insult that I was still "pregnant" when I weighed less it makes me angry and depressed.  So today I put on my tightest jeans and I'm sucking in the discomfort.  It will remind me that I have a goal.  It will remind me to not over eat, well I hope at least.  I don't really know where I over ate in the past two weeks but some how I did.  Two donuts over two day?  One slice of pizza?  Yes, I've been good.  I have no clue how or why it just decided to come back to my mid section but it did.  So its depressing me.

Last night I went from horny to harpy in just a few hours.  Sure I've done it faster before but still I don't like it when it does happen.  I could blame it on the borderline personality disorder  but in the end I'm still responsible for my own mindfulness.  I shouldn't let my emotions bleed out the way I can and sometimes do.

Because I know that this roller coaster of emotions is triggered by the loss of the embryo and most likely trying to conceive again too soon without healing properly in-between, I can identify from an outsider's point of view what to expect.  I'm going to chug back up to the top of that roller coaster with all I've got and try to stay there as long as possible looking for the straightaway.  I have to.  I have no choice.