Trying to Stay Positive

My mind is a mess right now.  I hate to say it but I think I'm actually getting depressed from yesterday's OB news.  Probably quite understandable.

Before I left JBLM baby girl was fine at the 47th percentile.  Yesterday not so good.  Overall she was only in the 27th percentile for weight and her head was only measuring in the 9th percentile.  The high risk OB is worried but says that there is nothing that I could do or can do.

We are now hoping that I make it to the 34th week and that she continues to grow.  She only gained a pound in the last month.  She now weighs 3 lbs 13 ounces which is about a week behind for weight as she should be weighing about 4 lbs 4 ounces.

I'm not really worried about the weight.  I didn't expect a 9 pound baby.  I was only 6 pounds 4 ounces at birth and my husband was something like 7 pounds 13 ounces.  With the fact that I haven't gained weight, but the doctors were fine with that I also knew she wasn't going to be huge except for her big hands and feet which are a trait in my husband's family.

Yes, after yesterday's appointment the OB staff is almost positive J is the genetic father and it isn't the donor embryo but the donor egg with his gametes that took.  The donor embryo had tall genetics in it.  The donor egg lady was only 5'3" and J is only 5'8".  The women in J's family have slightly above average shoe and glove sizes though most are only about 5'3" in height.

We are also hoping that maybe our daughter will just be petite?

The head size is what is scary.  Next week they'll be taking an in-depth look at my daughter's umbilical cord to see if there are any possible defects.  The only other thing that could have caused her head to be so small besides a defect in her umbilical cord would be the hypertension issue.  But the hypertension was there before I got pregnant and well controlled on the medicine I've been taking for the past 5 years.

The problem with the head size is that it could mean developmental defects.  I will still love her even if she isn't "perfect" to the humans of the world.  She is mine.  Damn it I want to cry.  I just want the best for her and I know I tried to do just that by really watching my diet closely and relaxing during stressful situations.  But there are just things that we cannot control.

Please God just let her continue to grow and stay inside of me long enough so that she comes out healthy.  Please?

Roller Coaster Ride

The LH surge has disappeared and my mood has changed again.  Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist today.  This is the first appointment since losing the embryo earlier this month.  She has no clue what is going on and I wish I hadn't had to of  waited so long to get in to talk to her.  But at least I still have an appointment.  J was lucky enough to be seen by an Army counselor the very next day after we got our beta results.  I, however, had to wait.

I'm angry again.  I'm unable to console friends right now.  Yesterday yes, today no. 

I broke something over the weekend.  Its small but very important.  I got angry.  I hated the little object.  Its out for repairs now.  It was never something that I picked out for myself.  No it was something I felt was forced upon me to always have and it wasn't my choice.  So after its fixed I'll have it back in my possession once again.  Hopefully I won't get so angry again as to break it once more. 

I'm depressed.  I've gained three pounds this month.  Yes, three pounds might not seem like a lot to most of you but when I'm half way to my next goal and I gain three pounds back its a lot.  Add to the insult that I was still "pregnant" when I weighed less it makes me angry and depressed.  So today I put on my tightest jeans and I'm sucking in the discomfort.  It will remind me that I have a goal.  It will remind me to not over eat, well I hope at least.  I don't really know where I over ate in the past two weeks but some how I did.  Two donuts over two day?  One slice of pizza?  Yes, I've been good.  I have no clue how or why it just decided to come back to my mid section but it did.  So its depressing me.

Last night I went from horny to harpy in just a few hours.  Sure I've done it faster before but still I don't like it when it does happen.  I could blame it on the borderline personality disorder  but in the end I'm still responsible for my own mindfulness.  I shouldn't let my emotions bleed out the way I can and sometimes do.

Because I know that this roller coaster of emotions is triggered by the loss of the embryo and most likely trying to conceive again too soon without healing properly in-between, I can identify from an outsider's point of view what to expect.  I'm going to chug back up to the top of that roller coaster with all I've got and try to stay there as long as possible looking for the straightaway.  I have to.  I have no choice.