Walking The Ledge Of Insanity

This morning I did my final testing.  Both tests were so negative that I'm surprised the control lines even showed up.  Its time to move on from this failed cycle.  Its time to once again let go.

Last night I was watching the season finale of Sister Wives and I cried.  I opened up my box of grief and started to let it flood out.  I called to my husband, who was in another room, for a hug.  He thought of himself again first as the room I was in was colder than where he had been.  Instead of seeing my grief he saw what he needed first.  There are days I feel so unimportant in his eyes.  So I sucked the flood back into my box and snapped that lid shut again.  What came out next was rage.  I shut off the television, I didn't finish watching the episode, and let the anger blast in his direction. He said I was right that he was being selfish.  All I wanted was a hug.  I wanted to once in our marriage come first.  I can't make him give to me what he is not able to give.  I have to accept that.

So I went to bed alone last night.  I said I was angry.  I refused to sleep with him.  Couples have that happen from time to time.  Because I went to bed angry I paid for it in  my dreams.  I was once again locked in that four year old girls body.  At four I experienced the wrath, the violence, the abuse of sexual, physical and mental abuses that no one of any age should have to endure.  I paid for it all over again in my dream world.

My next appointment with my psychologist is not until 9 December.  I hope I can hold myself together that long.  I could call and leave a voice mail message begging to be seen earlier but it wouldn't do any good.  J needs the vehicle for his classes this week.  He has already informed me that its a good thing that I don't have any appointments this week.  Geez, make me feel worse already because I had been thinking about trying to get an appointment for the pelvic pain.  Did I forget to mention that I'm in a lot of pain right now from the endometriosis?  I swear its worse as my period draws ever near.

So I'm awake, I've showered, made the bed and now will drink my caffeinated tea, something I haven't had in weeks, in the hopes that some sort of regime will fight off the depression knocking at my mental doors.  I've got a little over two months before the next egg retrieval and I plan on using that time to lose more weight, exercise, get my marriage in better shape and my mind too.  We'll see how much I actually get accomplished.

Oh and I might just go back to church.  What?  Yes, the church.  The Roman Catholic Church.  I've been feeling a pull in that direction for most of the year.  I've been fighting it off.  But I think I need to go there and address my issues of why I pulled away and why so many are going back to the faith.

Look to my next blog post, possibly later today for the awards I'll be handing out to other bloggers.  For now I need to get going on the projects here at home.

Another Neighbor Leaves

Today I hugged another neighbor good bye. He is leaving for Korea soon.  Hopefully he'll get the chance to stop by and see my husband, a gaming friend, before he leaves the country.

My friend is leaving the neighborhood not because he is just going out of country but because his wife has left him.  Seems to be a common problem in the military.  He deserves better.  She was not the nicest of people and treated her husband poorly in public.  Its not often that we hear about the wife mentally abusing the husband but it does happen.

So for the past two days I've been trying to help the guy out as much as possible.  For me its not a lot since I can't lift anything more than a stone's weight.  What I was able to offer was the use of my trash cans and recycling bins so that he wouldn't get fined for that particular item.. He still got fined $107 for various things like not washing out the trash cans, having the wrong brand of blind in a window and the floors, even though mopped, weren't perfect. 

At least he isn't being fined for having flowers still in the flower beds.  I was told by our neighborhood manager that we had to have our flower beds cleared of all plants.  So I'm happy to note that I might be able to get away with leaving some plants behind when we move out some day.  Unless of course the rules change again.

My former neighbor and I were discussing the ruined yards.  There is just no way that grass will come back this season with all the construction.  I still have a trench in my back yard that they've promised to have filled in by the 20th of this month.  We'll see.  Its been there since Easter Monday.

Tuesday 31 May I'll not have power for a good portion of the day.  If only I knew which portion.  I was given notice that they would need to enter my house to shut the power off at the breaker box, as if I couldn't hit the breaker switch myself, to change out the utility lines in the trench.  Scratches head, if they are filling in the trench on the 20th then why are they changing out the lines on the 31st?  Okay that math just doesn't work for me.

Coping With Nightmares

Alone I wander through the dark streets.  My shadow quavers in the faint sodium glow.  Eerily the sound of my footfalls echo, where are the night sounds of the frogs and crickets?  Why is there no one else out walking tonight?

From the left I hear a sound, Oh God NO!  Okay now how do I get out of this dream?

Yes, yet another bad dream in the early morning hours.  The man that abused me all those years ago has again cropped up into my dream state.  I somehow knew it would happen.  It was triggered by the book I've been reading.  The heroine of the novel has been abused.  She escaped much as I did but I didn't have to fake my death.  Now this heroine is having to face her past that she ran from.  Does it ever stop?  Do the dreams ever completely go away?  I have to finish this novel.  I know it will have a happy ending as it is the only type this particular author ever writes.  I too will have my happy ending when I awake from the bad dream to realize that it was just that, a dream.  Unfortunately my dream was based on truth, my past.

I know that some of my readers can understand these nightmares.  Hopefully most of  you that have them don't have them often.  I wonder if I'll ever be fully healed.  I'm just so thankful that I have my wonderful, understanding husband to be there for me.  When I awake from these nightmares my husband is almost always there to help me deal with them and to give me that hug when I'm ready.  Thank you J. 

For those of you out there battered, beaten and traumatized please find a way to get out and get some help.

For my friends and readers that are survivors of domestic abuse this video is for you.

PTSD, A Nightmare In Itself

****Warning what you are about to read is not suitable for all audiences nor is it intended to be.  This is after all my blog about my happenings.

 PTSD is a term heard often on military installations around the globe.  It can be seen on the banners "got nightmares?" with information on whom to contact if you do have the PTSD.  I'm not sure many of us fully understand what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is in fact. Many go undiagnosed.  For me it was diagnosed once the rape kit was sealed up and sent out to the crime lab that awful night of December 2002.   I too was sealed up and sent off but it was to see a shrink in the crime victims unit.  I'm sure I had PTSD before that night as I lived in a very abusive relationship for eleven years.

"What is PTSD?  

What is PTSD? (PDF)

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can occur after you have been through a traumatic event. A traumatic event is something horrible and scary that you see or that happens to you. During this type of event, you think that your life or others' lives are in danger. You may feel afraid or feel that you have no control over what is happening.
Anyone who has gone through a life-threatening event can develop PTSD. These events can include:

• Combat or military exposure
• Child sexual or physical abuse
• Terrorist attacks
• Sexual or physical assault
• Serious accidents, such as a car wreck.
• Natural disasters, such as a fire, tornado, hurricane, flood, or earthquake.

After the event, you may feel scared, confused, or angry. If these feelings don't go away or they get worse, you may have PTSD. These symptoms may disrupt your life, making it hard to continue with your daily activities." 
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/what-is-ptsd.asp

I awoke early this am to a nightmare.  A PTSD Nightmare.  This time I woke up gasping for air and in a panic.  Once I realized I was no longer in the nightmare I was able to gain control of myself.  There are times I awake from the nightmares angry, crying, screaming or like this morning gasping for air.  Not all of the nightmares are about the rape sometimes they are about the abusive eleven years of my past.

I'm still not sure why I stayed.

It had to be fear.

I knew that some days I had to be extra careful especially when he'd start drinking as soon as he would get home.  When he'd drink anything could set him off.  Usually he'd make sure to hit me where clothing would cover but, towards the end of the relationship he got sloppy.  I had to avoid my own mother for a couple of weeks until the bruises healed enough so she wouldn't get suspicious.  I was totally dependent upon this monster. I had no sense of self worth nor the understanding that I could leave. One day I learned to fight back.  That was the day I escaped from that relationship.  I filed an Order of Protection with the court, of which he violated.  He must have had good lawyers because they always let him go without jail time.

  Unfortunately, for me it wouldn't be the last time I'd be sexually, mentally or physically abused.  No that last time was in December 2002.  But that final time wasn't by my ex.  That final time was by a friend, someone I thought I could trust.  I was a fool.

 I've had therapy and therapy training.  I've learned techniques to cope with the situations when it feels as though it might bring on an episode during the waking hours.  When I'm awake its so much easier to get that grasp on reality.  Its when I'm sleeping and the nightmares creep in that I feel helpless and hopeless.  Thankfully over the years the nightmares have been less frequent with only one or sometimes two a week now.   Time does heal some thing but not all things.

Now I tend to live by my own motto of "Life is what you make of it."  When I get up in the morning I set goals.  No, not goals like I was training for a marathon but simplistic goals of keeping my guard up but not to a paranoid extreme.

 I could have gone into more detail,  a lot more detail about the PTSD nightmares but I'd rather not give any of you readers a nightmare.

 It just feels good to be able to write about this in my blog.  It does sadden me to think that a few of you might actually know how this feels.  I'm sorry too that you know because it doesn't ever go away.  PTSD affects more than just the individual it affect the families too.  Our loved ones don't want to see us suffering from ghost images of memories past.  The loved ones would rather have something tangible to fight as would I.

On an unrelated side note....soldier co-worker refuses to clean weapons.  My spouse told me, just this morning, the reason  stated was that  "doesn't want to get toxoplasmosis".  You cannot get toxoplasmosis from cleaning weapons unless they are in the cat's litter box when you clean them.  ......Hope this gives you a good chuckle after the above seriousness.

 Thanks for taking the time to read my madness.