Trying To Educate The Public

I swear it was a losing battle this past weekend at the retreat.  Each meal that J and had to attend we were at different assigned tables.  I guess it was to keep the conversation lively.  There were of course a list of questions that we had to ask everyone at the table.  Two sheets of questions per table.  But you know how people stray from the questions they should be asking and get rather nosey.

At every meal J and I were asked, "do you have any children?".

My answer was one of the following:
1) none living
2) several miscarriages
3) I'm in fertile
4) I have endometriosis
5) we are still trying

The responses I would get from others at the tables ranged from sympathy to stupidity.  One gal named Julie has PCOS so she did understand the struggle to conceive.

One couple, Sandra and Jeffrey, at my table married at 19/20 and have five children.  Their response was that I just need to pray to God and he'll give me a child.  Mind you I remember something in the Bible about "God helps those that help themselves" (Acts 17:11) and I'm doing all I can with prayer and doctors to help God in giving me a child.

At the end of my dialogue with them explaining that it isn't that easy I got hit with the "why don't you just adopt".  I so wanted to say to them why didn't you?  But instead I told them that we have given thought to that and if what we are going through right now doesn't work that the next place we move to we'll start the process.  Most likely foster to adopt and I explained how parents don't mind putting their children into the foster care system but they don't like making them available for adoption which leaves not many children out there to be adopted.

I also explained to this ignorant couple that adoption isn't free or cheap.  Adoption takes a long time too.  My parents were the exception when they adopted my brother 44 years ago from Catholic Charities.  Things were truly easier back in the 1960's when it came to adoption.

I think that the worst part of it was when the husband of  Sandra, Jeffrey, the couple that wed when they were 19/20, said to me that I just need to relax.  I swallowed my bile and vented when my husband and I got back to our room.  I had to leave our meal early.  I couldn't stand to be around such ignorant people for any longer or else I would have made a scene.

So my infertile friends, I tried to educate the public. God commanded that we go forth and multiply (Genesis 9:7) and He didn't state how we went about it did he?  I did what I could given the fact that I was at a religious retreat, this one sponsored by the Roman Catholic church.  The very church that doesn't believe in abortion, birth control or infertility treatments.  Is it any wonder I couldn't get my message across? 

I think that if a person is fertile they should and could be a bit more sensitive when they ask a question about children.  They could be a bit more open-minded and realize that not everyone can just fall on a penis and get pregnant.

Seven Days

I have just seven more days left on my birth control. 

Sunday I start the Lupron.

Tomorrow the utility room repair should be mostly finished.  Hopefully they'll remember to do the floor tiles too.  If not they'll have to schedule that for another week.

Tomorrow night J and I go on the marriage retreat.  This one is going to be a bit different since it is through the Catholic church. 

I'm anxious.  I'm a bit crabby.

I should get to work on the Last Will and Testament worksheets so that we can make an appointment to get our Wills made up.

I need to get cracking on the book for the book club which is due next week.  I'm enjoying the book but I'm behind because I was sick last week.

Instead of reading I find myself doing other projects I've put off in favor of other energy requiring projects that were needed to be done first.  I need to find a sense of order in this chaos I call my life.  I miss routine.

I think I need a huge calendar.

A Different Kind Of Date Night

Yesterday afternoon J and I had our first real date night in a long time.  His schedule has been to put it mildly, hectic.

Because of the fact that he has CQ duty today, he shouldn't have it at all since he has to be on call for the arms room but they are short handed so he was put on the roster this month, we went to church yesterday afternoon.  The only service available was Catholic.  Fine by me because I was raised Catholic but J was raised Episcopalian.  He isn't allowed to receive communion.

After pursuing the untamed ornathoid we finally found out where the Catholic service was to be held.  It was on McChord.  Our Main post chapel had been under renovations for a few years and the services have been tossed to the wind so to speak and ever changing at that.  Confession, or as they call it now Reconciliation,  was to be at 1600 to 1630.  We arrived at 1615 and no one was around to take my confession.  Thankfully I brought my rosary with me.  After hurrying through my sins and doing the rosary I felt confident enough to receive communion.

The sermon given by Father Tim, a New York native Long Island to be more specific, had us laughing a bit.  He was talking about how he was an "unclaimed treasure" when recalling to couples during a Strong Bonds retreat why he never married but felt he was still qualified to give advice on marriage.  One does often wonder what a priest can offer a married couple for advice on that particular subject.

J and I chatted with Father Tim after service and he was telling us how much we will love our new duty station.  He was wishing he was there now.  I think I wish I was too, I could do with some sun as this smog is killing me.

After mass we went to a fast food joint for dinner.  We were starved.  I have to admit that I did blow my calories for the day and then some but I'm allowed to splurge once in a while.

This morning I stepped on the scale and found that I lost another pound.  6 pounds off since starting up on Tuesday with calorie counting.  Not bad at all.  I know it won't last.  I know that I'll soon have weeks where I lose nothing.

But I'd like to think that I gained last night with the different kind of date night. 

Busy, Busy, Busy

Yesterday was a busy day to put it mildly.  Most of you know that I've been really fatigued.  Well I pushed myself.

In the morning I dug up all of my Lemon Balm from one of my front flower beds and transplanted it into two huge planters.  S will be getting one and later as I split up the seedlings and more herbs she'll be getting some of each too.  I have a green thumb and it seems that no matter what I plant grows.  My back is now hurting from the digging and re-potting.

By 1015 hrs J and I were at S's house.  The five of us went antiquing.  S has her own shop in Fife, more a booth if you will and we went there first.  Next stop was the South Tacoma Antique Mall.  This last place was where I purchased some awesome items.  One item I can't mention because its a Christmas gift for a family member.  I know he'll love it.

So with all the walking we did I was aching by the time we finally got home at 1600 hrs. J and I stopped at BK for some late lunch early dinner before heading home.     I had a grilled chicken sandwich and gave J my fries.  Not allowed fries.  Needless to say the food still didn't sit right in my stomach.  I can't win when it comes to food these days.  I'm thinking some of the upset stomach is probably from the progesterone I'm on.  I vacuumed three of the seven rooms in our house and took a non-asprin for a headache when we got home.

1800 hrs finds me shaving the hair off J's head.  Its grown too long and now it needs to be cut.  Out come the clipper.  He says to use the 1/8" .  Okay so no hair huh?  At this point I have a raging headache that the non-asprin I took at 1600 hrs did nothing to fix.

At 1900 hrs I was yawning as I did up all the dishes.  I'm trying to be more Eco friendly.  I used only one small sink full of water to wash 3/4 of a dishwasher full of dishes.  It was an experiment that nearly killed my back and already aching feet.  Not sure I'll be doing it again either.  I'm a wuss.

2000hrs I was crying the pain was horrid.  The pelvic pain started in.  Mind you my feet, back, head and stomach were already voicing their objections.  I passed out on the bed at 2100 hrs and woke up at 2130 hrs. alone, J had decided to sleep in the living room.   I'm guessing that the pain got really bad and my brain said enough.

I have the next five days free from doctor's appointments.  This week I'm going to busy playing catch up on everything I've been neglecting, including me.  Today I'm doing two loads of laundry and hopefully will get the fours rooms I still need to vacuum finished.  I plan on cooking every night this week too and have a menu listed on the white board.  Thank God I have a casserole cook book!  J has been working some odd hours and I never know when to make dinner.

So there, I complained yet again.  I know I'm supposed to take it easy.  I don't think I know how.  Catholic guilt creeps in and reminds me that if I'm not doing something productive I'm letting evil in...idle hands are the devil's something or other that I can't remember.

Sunday Bliss

Well we took the plunge.  Sounds bad I know but for two introverts heading out to church, to an unknown church at that, can be frightening.  Yes, I know they aren't out to get me. 

I wouldn't say the kneeling part of the service was all that easy on my knees as I have fibromyalgia and a bad back.  But I did it.  The priest was also using a cane and not that much older than I am.  When his cane fell during service I looked over at J and said, "I hate when that happens.".  I do I really hate when I decide to use my cane and it falls in a quiet place, like a church, and everyone looks at you.

I got up early with the back and pelvic pain.  Its not as bad as some days but today because there is a cold rain, its Washington State more often than not its raining here, my back decides to get grouchy with me.  But I was in the mood to fulfill a promise I made to my spouse before Christmas.  I promised that when I felt up to it we would start going to church again.

I stumbled across some of the service as I'm not fast enough with the books to transfer between the hymnal and the prayer book.  I wasn't brought up in J's faith either.  So the prayers that he learned are a bit different than what I learned and memorized.  His Niece creed is different along with his Lord's Prayer too.  I'll get the hang of it and the folks there are well understanding of my newness to their faith.

I did receive communion today.  Again it was a bit different than the Roman Catholic Church's style.  But I think the Anglican Episcopal Church will do just fine.

J was pleasantly surprised that they had a church breakfast after service.  Plenty to eat and I wonder if I'll be asked to make food for them some day.  Not that I'd mind but I don't think I have any gluten free recipes.  A few members have special food needs and I too am supposed to eat more gluten free too.  Guess its a good excuse as any to buy a gluten free cookbook.

The only annoying part of breakfast in the church hall was the cacophony.  With my Vestibular Meniere's disease sometimes trying to hear someone in even a quiet setting can be tricky and today it was more of a I can see your lips moving so I can read them enough to answer you.  Terrible but that is part of life. 

Now for my symptoms update:

My pelvis is still a bit tender to the lightest of touches.  Some mild cramping, more like a biting feeling hit last night.  Annoying more than anything and definitely not the bend me over Endometriosis cramps that I get. 

A bit more than the nipples are now sore.  Some of the side of the breast tissue is starting to make the crossing of my arms that much more complicated. Before  I had only two spots to avoid now its almost to the point of hands and arms off the area completely.  I'm sure in a few more days it will be that way from the Endometrin.  I think Hope might be starting to settle in finally. 

Oh Emily gave me another version of Hope, its Japanese and Yuuki is the name.  If anyone else has any other language versions for the word hope let me know. 

Walking The Ledge Of Insanity

This morning I did my final testing.  Both tests were so negative that I'm surprised the control lines even showed up.  Its time to move on from this failed cycle.  Its time to once again let go.

Last night I was watching the season finale of Sister Wives and I cried.  I opened up my box of grief and started to let it flood out.  I called to my husband, who was in another room, for a hug.  He thought of himself again first as the room I was in was colder than where he had been.  Instead of seeing my grief he saw what he needed first.  There are days I feel so unimportant in his eyes.  So I sucked the flood back into my box and snapped that lid shut again.  What came out next was rage.  I shut off the television, I didn't finish watching the episode, and let the anger blast in his direction. He said I was right that he was being selfish.  All I wanted was a hug.  I wanted to once in our marriage come first.  I can't make him give to me what he is not able to give.  I have to accept that.

So I went to bed alone last night.  I said I was angry.  I refused to sleep with him.  Couples have that happen from time to time.  Because I went to bed angry I paid for it in  my dreams.  I was once again locked in that four year old girls body.  At four I experienced the wrath, the violence, the abuse of sexual, physical and mental abuses that no one of any age should have to endure.  I paid for it all over again in my dream world.

My next appointment with my psychologist is not until 9 December.  I hope I can hold myself together that long.  I could call and leave a voice mail message begging to be seen earlier but it wouldn't do any good.  J needs the vehicle for his classes this week.  He has already informed me that its a good thing that I don't have any appointments this week.  Geez, make me feel worse already because I had been thinking about trying to get an appointment for the pelvic pain.  Did I forget to mention that I'm in a lot of pain right now from the endometriosis?  I swear its worse as my period draws ever near.

So I'm awake, I've showered, made the bed and now will drink my caffeinated tea, something I haven't had in weeks, in the hopes that some sort of regime will fight off the depression knocking at my mental doors.  I've got a little over two months before the next egg retrieval and I plan on using that time to lose more weight, exercise, get my marriage in better shape and my mind too.  We'll see how much I actually get accomplished.

Oh and I might just go back to church.  What?  Yes, the church.  The Roman Catholic Church.  I've been feeling a pull in that direction for most of the year.  I've been fighting it off.  But I think I need to go there and address my issues of why I pulled away and why so many are going back to the faith.

Look to my next blog post, possibly later today for the awards I'll be handing out to other bloggers.  For now I need to get going on the projects here at home.

Taking Joy In Someone's Pain

Yup that's me right now.  I'm as angry as a bear that had something taken from it.

I'm having a double dose of reality.  I don't want to fully disclose everything and I certainly won't name names here but I can tell you that people are really disappointing me.

Some of you that follow my blog closely know that I don't have a good relationship with my parents.  Its true they aren't my favorite people nor the parents I always wanted and they are the source of my borderline personality disorder.

But when I need to verify facts within the family I still need to call them.  A cousin of mine, I grew up next door to her mom, recently lost her grandfather and her father within a few days of each other.  I called my parents to verify the facts.  I used to do genealogy and I should probably update my files now.

I'm pissed because my own father thought it was funny.  Yes, he was laughing at the posting about the deaths.  He'd probably now deny it to save face and Mom would back him up.  He's known for at least a day.  I told my mom that Dad is one sick son of a bitch and he'd better watch his karma for his reactions to these deaths.  His health isn't all that good.  He shouldn't be laughing at the demise of others.  Really he should be making amends like the good Roman Catholic he was brought up to be.  Wait a minute, is there really such a thing?  I think my father is perhaps on the other end of the scale there and he cultivates anger in others.

I know, I know, honor thy father and mother.  But when does that apply?  When they go too far they need to be reminded to not be so harsh about the feelings of other.

All I can say is for the sake of the grown children left behind, who are now fatherless, you'd think that my father, their uncle, would be offering condolences.

Oh and if any of my family is reading this, well seriously what you put out there comes back to haunt you.  You know quite well how I feel about your response with this matter.  I've told you on the phone too.

Yes, I've known other people that are just as twisted to find joy in the sorrow of others.  Yes there are plenty of them out there on Earth.  Those that take joy in the loss of someone's pregnancy, their loss of their home, or hard earned wealth.  I find it disgusting to say the least when someone takes joy in the pain of others.

Religion 101

As the Christian holidays in December draw ever near I find that I want to learn more about the world religions.  I'm not a thrill seeking individual that wants to form her own cult and have followers brain washed.  Just making that clear.

I do want to learn.  I'm curious.  I want to know what makes any one person gravitate towards a particular religion and what they get from it personally.

Last night J and I talked about theology.  He supports my decision to learn  more about the Mormon religions of LDS and the Mormon Fundamentalism.  From what I know about the Mormon religion it started in NY state, a state I grew up in and basically that's all I know about it.  We also chatted about my wanting to learn about the Jewish religion and their Torah.  I'd also like to read the Quran as well as any other religious books we can find and learn about their traditions.

I want to know the why's.  I want to just know.  If we all came from one religion, according to what I was taught in CCD classes, then why did so many other religions shoot out from it.  (I was brought up Roman Catholic.)  Have I been lied to?  I mean really now the Native Americans weren't near the cradle of life where I was taught that the true religion began from but yet their creation beliefs aren't all that far from what I was taught either.  Can you see the confusion?

I want to learn about the genealogy of religion and how and when each branch formed with its various sprouts from there.

So if anyone has any good sources for religion leave them below in the comments section.  Links, sources to free reading materials are always welcome.  If you know me well enough to have my address feel free to send me what you have in books or leaflets.

Knowledge is out there, it should always remain free for those willing to learn.  I want to learn.

Religious Inspiration; Tis The Season

I have friends from around the globe of varying religions.  Some have no faith while others have faith in abundance.  Has any one ever noticed how religion comes to the forefront at this time of year?  Growing up Roman Catholic we went to religious classes each weekend and mass each week.  We were far from the norm.  Usually the church was packed to standing room only twice a year, Christmas and Easter.  I never did understand why those "good" Catholics decided to only go once or twice a year and still pass judgment on their fellow humans.

I'm far from being a Roman Catholic these days.  I list myself as being a Unitarian Universalist, but with a Pagan flare.  It doesn't mean that I don't believe in the Roman Catholic, Orthodox Jew, Islamic, Hindu, etc...god, but it means that I believe in the possibility of all of them existing just with different names.  Please forgive me if I left out your religion.

Today's blog entry was inspired by a high school friend of mine.  She is a devout Christian.  I'm very happy to see that she believes in her god.  I'm glad to know that she is finding her true bliss in the worship of him.  Does it make her any better than say the atheist with a penchant for charity work?  I don't know.  I guess it all depends on if either holds to their on values of life.   

Religion is really a personal belief.  No one person is correct.  I'm sure that my ideas differ greatly from my husband just on the very fact that we had different childhoods not to forget that we both grew up in different religions.

I'd like to wish all of my readers a very Merry and a Happy whatever they are celebrating this year.  Today I'll be celebrating Yule.  So Merry Yule to all my Pagan friends that celebrate the renewal of the sun.

Hopefully no will take offense at the video below.  Its just humorous how far we in the US have gone to make sure everything is politically correct these days.