Saturday Night Widows

I did find it a bit hard to relate to this book.  Oh I've had my fair share of losses.  I've lost a spouse but he didn't die, unfortunately.  I know that sounds awful.  If he had died at least I had insurance coverage on him and the funeral would have been fully paid for unlike my ER visits and the cost of my divorce lawyer.

The way I lost my first spouse was devastating.  I didn't mind seeing the door hit his ass on the way out but I mind losing him to another woman. Not a younger woman.  But she was pregnant.

No, not pregnant with my ex-husband's child either.  She was still married at the time to her first husband and pregnant with their second child while carrying on an affair with my spouse.

I had one of those type of marriages that everyone dreads.   I had the spouse that mentally and physically abused me, as if the cheating on me wasn't bad enough.  When I found out he was cheating for sure, I had my suspicions he was with various women for years, I went to the doctor's office and got myself tested for every known STD.

How did I find out?  Well it wasn't bad enough that my own mother knew and didn't tell me.  She saw him grocery shopping with the other woman and her young son.  It wasn't bad enough that our close friends knew about the affair and supported him while lying to me.  The clues were there all along.  He worked nights and didn't come home at the end of shift.  He would tell me he would be out with the guys for breakfast then lie about where he went.  He wouldn't answer his cell phone, not even when I was calling to tell him his mother was in the hospital.  I found the final clue while doing laundry.  I won't go into details but I will tell you that my ex-husband does not have blonde pubic hairs nor do I.  Underwear doesn't lie.  I was thoroughly grossed out and confronted him when he got home.

I lost a spouse the way in which I never dreamed; considering he was active duty Army for six years.  I lost him to another woman.  Karma has its own quirks.  The female he left me for, he recently left too.  Yes, he left her for another woman, a younger woman this time.  My heart does go out to the second wife as I'm sure he tried to control her too.  But I can't help feeling that she got a taste of Karma since she knew he was beating me while carrying on her meretricious affair

My life does have a happily ever after.  I married again.  My husband and I are actively trying to create a family while continuing to grow closer together through the many challenges  the Army throws our way.  Life is an adventure and it should be lived that way.

This post was inspired by Saturday Night Widows by Becky Aikman. After being kicked out of her widow support group for being too young, Becky creates her own support group with an unusual twist. Join From Left to Write on February 14 as we discuss Saturday Night Widows. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Walking The Ledge Of Insanity

This morning I did my final testing.  Both tests were so negative that I'm surprised the control lines even showed up.  Its time to move on from this failed cycle.  Its time to once again let go.

Last night I was watching the season finale of Sister Wives and I cried.  I opened up my box of grief and started to let it flood out.  I called to my husband, who was in another room, for a hug.  He thought of himself again first as the room I was in was colder than where he had been.  Instead of seeing my grief he saw what he needed first.  There are days I feel so unimportant in his eyes.  So I sucked the flood back into my box and snapped that lid shut again.  What came out next was rage.  I shut off the television, I didn't finish watching the episode, and let the anger blast in his direction. He said I was right that he was being selfish.  All I wanted was a hug.  I wanted to once in our marriage come first.  I can't make him give to me what he is not able to give.  I have to accept that.

So I went to bed alone last night.  I said I was angry.  I refused to sleep with him.  Couples have that happen from time to time.  Because I went to bed angry I paid for it in  my dreams.  I was once again locked in that four year old girls body.  At four I experienced the wrath, the violence, the abuse of sexual, physical and mental abuses that no one of any age should have to endure.  I paid for it all over again in my dream world.

My next appointment with my psychologist is not until 9 December.  I hope I can hold myself together that long.  I could call and leave a voice mail message begging to be seen earlier but it wouldn't do any good.  J needs the vehicle for his classes this week.  He has already informed me that its a good thing that I don't have any appointments this week.  Geez, make me feel worse already because I had been thinking about trying to get an appointment for the pelvic pain.  Did I forget to mention that I'm in a lot of pain right now from the endometriosis?  I swear its worse as my period draws ever near.

So I'm awake, I've showered, made the bed and now will drink my caffeinated tea, something I haven't had in weeks, in the hopes that some sort of regime will fight off the depression knocking at my mental doors.  I've got a little over two months before the next egg retrieval and I plan on using that time to lose more weight, exercise, get my marriage in better shape and my mind too.  We'll see how much I actually get accomplished.

Oh and I might just go back to church.  What?  Yes, the church.  The Roman Catholic Church.  I've been feeling a pull in that direction for most of the year.  I've been fighting it off.  But I think I need to go there and address my issues of why I pulled away and why so many are going back to the faith.

Look to my next blog post, possibly later today for the awards I'll be handing out to other bloggers.  For now I need to get going on the projects here at home.