Blog Awards, Another Round

Thank you EndoWarrior and Living With Endo for this award.  I appreciate you both thinking of me when you gave this award to me and I'll now pass it on to 15 other wonderful bloggers.


The rules for receiving this award are: Tell seven things about yourself and pass on the award to 15 other great bloggers.

Seven things about me that maybe you didn't already know:

1)  I'm 42
2)  I was raised in NY state, way upstate near Canada.
3)  I have French Canadian ancestors.
4)  I love to read.  I mean I have so many books right now that often I give them away because I'm an     Army Wife and have limited weight when we move so I can't keep all the books that I've read.
5)  I do charity work when possible.
6)  I've been married once before and had it annulled.
7)  I love cats more than dogs but it doesn't mean I don't have affection for dogs I just prefer my furry friends to be cats.

Now for the 15 blogs I have chosen to pass this on to:
1) Mommy Odyssey
2) Steph at Dogtags And Devotion
3) Niki at What Dreamers Do
4) Alex at First Time Twins
5) Sushi Girl at Just Us And The Cat
6) keeniebeanie
7) chasingourstork
8) missconception
9) ablanket2keep
10) adventuresinfertilityandmortality
11) Do I Have To Be A Dink
12) Just Two Lines Away
13) fromcupboardtocupboard  I like good food
14) Journey To The Center Of The Uterus
15) Of Cabbages And Kings

Blogaversary Just Slipped By

I haven't been in a very good place of late.  I'm letting all those wonderful IVF hormone shots that J gives me nightly change me.  Sure the change in my body has been for the better but the mental changes have not made me a nicer person.

Talking with my psychologist the other day in my DBT group I realized that the hormones I'm on are considered mind altering drugs.  But my psychologist, a Ph.D., reminded me that currently its something that I can't give up without repercussions.  I want to be on these drugs.  I allow myself to be injected nightly by J.  If he can't inject me for some reason, like work, then I'll do it myself.

So I sit here wallowing in my own pity how I've let these meds turn me into a horrible, screaming, banshee of a person.  Yes, I scream.  Little things set me off.  Anything can set me off these days.  I don't expect all of my readers to understand what I'm going through, even if you have done IVF your own experience is very personal with how you respond to the drugs.  However, I'm sure that there are quite a few of my IF blogger buddies that can well understand the challenges I'm facing daily in just dealing with the emotions that flood me from the hormones.

I've let my blog anniversary just slip by.  It was 14 Oct.  I've been whining and complaining about my life for a year now.  Its been a good life, a good year.  Sure I've yet to conceive, I've yet to see my spouse get promoted, I've yet to settle with my NY lawyers my work comp case or even see a single dollar of the money I was supposed to get.  However, I now need to list my blessings. 

1)  I have lost weight.  22 pounds over all with a slight gain back this week from the ovaries of which I was told I should expect.

2) I still have my marriage.  I work at it daily.  I apologize to my spouse when after I've yelled I've realized I shouldn't have.  I apologize if I put the blame in the wrong direction too and when I realize I'm wrong with anything at all.  I strive to make things work.  I find reasons to make it work even when I want to call it quits.

3)  Even if I don't get pregnant I still have a full life ahead of me.  I have probably another 40 years to go and I plan on living it to the fullest even if it is without children.  No folks adoption isn't all that easy and for some of us we will never be the chosen ones by the agencies to raise someone else's child.

4)  I can paint.  No not just the walls.  I have a raw talent that I've let go undeveloped.  I'm thinking that I need to take a few art courses, a drawing one would help.  I love to paint watercolors, not always all washed out but bright and bold.  Its been a year since I've picked up a brush and I have that unfinished painting to finish.  Sometimes I let life get in the way.  Now its time for me to take back my time, my me time, and do some painting.

5)  I'm independent.  I like being a strong individual.  I don't have to have need of others to care for me.  I can do it myself.  Even with my disabilities I can still dress myself, cook for me and a small army, do my housework on most days unless I'm not the one who made the mess.  I like going for drives by myself.  I usually like me, except while on the hormones.

6)  I'm easy on the eyes.  I'm not beautiful but I'm not ugly either.  I'm aging well.  Even if I was ugly I think I'd be okay with that because I know who I am.

7)  I'm proud of my past.  Its not been the best childhood with the abuse and I had a bad first marriage.  My past has created the me who I am now, the strong and independent me.  I like who I am.

8)  I'm able to create.  Yes I say create like its a good thing.  Sometimes others will find my logic messed up but I can still create a witty story out of just watching a single person walk down a street.  I have that ability to entertain. I can take a lump of clay, a ball of yarn, a piece of paper and create something more of it than just stare at it.

9)  I have a good reason why I get out of bed each morning though one would think that the amount of pain, thank you Fibromyalgia, I'm in should keep me there and heavily sedated.  I enjoy life.  I want to live every bit of it that I'm given.

10)  I'm blessed with love.  I have the love of my husband, family, friends and most importantly me.  Yes I have to love myself before I learn to love anyone else.  If I can accept who I am even now at my worst then I can still give love to others.

Those are my blessings.  I'm happy with them for today.  They evolve and grow with me as the day passes into night and the night becomes the morn.

Collecting My Thoughts

I have so very much on my mind these days.  I have a lot to get done about the house too.  But right now I think I just need to sit a bit and think some things through, wool gathering if you will.

Sometimes I like to sit and think about my life, where I've been, where I'm going, and how I can take better control of my destiny.  I'm always wanting to improve myself but I don't always know how to go about doing the improvement.  I want to be a better me.

Improving myself isn't always about losing the weight but it is about creating better habits.  It isn't about making better first impressions but making longer lasting friendships.  Its about being comfortable in who I've become and who I will eventually be when this life cycle is completed.

Oh sure I have goals, I think that goals are a perfect way to challenge ourselves to keep trying harder.  Some goals are easier for others than for me but its not going to stop me from trying just because its harder.

My thoughts are wandering to random things.  Right now I wonder that if I stop blogging and just shut off the computer for a week, a month, or longer will my friends still be there when I turn it back on?  Or did I just imagine the friendships that we've created?  Its not so much a reality check as it is a check on what is truly important to my every day well being.

There are days when after I've read someone's blog or their status update I feel some how less of a person, angry, or even depressed.  I do wonder how much these people write is written with a twist on truth or actually meant to hurt someone else.  Am I becoming one of those people that will illicit a particular response in my friends just for the shear joy of being heard?  I would like to think not but then again this is why I'm taking time to collect my thoughts.

My blog is most important to me and me alone.  I chose to write my thoughts here not so much to gain attention but more to keep an online journal of sorts.  My memory is not the best and by blogging I can look back and see that, "okay I felt or did such and such on this date".  Of course I don't share my deepest thoughts and feelings here because it is too public.  I keep to myself that which should be kept close.  Oh sure there are days that I want to really vent and open up that which is hurting me and cry out "life is not fair" but, why should I?  I'm not here for pity.  I'm here for me.

Looking out my office window the hummingbirds zing back and forth between the feeder and the hanging flower pots.  Is their life any easier?

J, I miss you.

Missing Blog Makes Me A Cranky Writer

I thought that all was well yesterday when I posted my blog in support of National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.  However, within a few hours my friends were posting on my facebook that they couldn't read my blog post and it was not in existence.  I had no problem finding it.

Today when I went to check on my comments, stats, and blog posts I found that yesterday's blog post is not to be found.  In fact I get an error code.  It doesn't even show up on my list of postings.

Oh this makes me cranky.  Yesterday wasn't a good day for me with my cognitive abilities.  I tried really hard to make a coherent post and now to find that it has been taken away into the vast void makes me cranky.

I realize that I'm not the only one it effected but I am the one that matters most to myself, I should be at least if I am to love myself and others truly.  I noticed that the blogs that I follow closely aren't listed.  I wonder if they were able to blog at all either.  If they were, what happened to their blogs?  I wanted to read their blog postings yesterday.  I saw nothing but a statement saying that blogspot was unavailable.

Well I guess its a good thing that I didn't decide to monetize my blog this week.  Oh its on the agenda but I was preparing to do it next month.  I figured that I now have enough views daily for someone to want to click on a link.  I do not want to turn my blog into a show for products and lose the original purpose of this blog, the therapeutic aspect.   I'm not one that likes commercials nor do I like to read blogs all about a certain product.  I want real life, real thoughts, real reactions to situations.  I don't give a rat's behind what toothpaste, dish soap, body wash, laundry detergent, or tampon you are using unless you are blogging to warn us potential users that we should stay away from said product due to its hazards.  Seriously if I wanted to watch a commercial I'd turn on the television or log on to Hulu.

I do like to read about  your infertility problems, medical issues, military life dilemmas, and anything else that might relate to my own life experiences.  I'd love to learn new techniques to scrap book, knit, crochet, paint, renovate, photograph, cook and bake.  I'm the hands on type person that wants to live life.  If I see something that interests me enough I'll give it a good try.

So friends I really did miss having the chance to read your blog postings yesterday.  I feel closer to each of you than the fake friends that often surround me, though thankfully not too often.  We all have those type of friends that just use us.

I'm going to keep stating my opinion as I see fit to do so within the boundaries set forth as a military wife.  Oh we do have our own unwritten code of conduct.  I'm not going to blog about anything that might embarrass myself or my spouse and his unit.

Blogspot, please find my missing post.

Sand Castle Dreams

photo by me Sequim, WA

There are days like today when I'm exhausted that I just like to sit back in my chair and stare off into space.  I'll day dream about all the things I could be doing if only I had the energy.  Occasionally I think up something rather interesting and run with it.  Browsing through my photos from last summer's vacation I stumbled upon the one above.  The sandcastle isn't what it seems.  I mean its sand alright but its built over Spackle buckets and glued into place.  Sequim is one of the driest places in Washington state and I guess they wanted to prove just how dry it is by having a sand castle withstand the elements.

So as I stare at the sandcastle I'm thinking about the hopes and dreams I have.  Some are yet to be fulfilled like the dream of starting a family.  I'm waiting on the blood work results as I type this.  Yet again the home pregnancy test was negative.  Full of self pity I wonder why my body is betraying me.  What am I doing wrong since I produced five follicles this month and went with an IUI.

One of my other dreams is to be a writer.  I guess this blog is as good of a place as any to brush up on my writing skills.  I'm not going to brag about having my bachelor of science in English, but I do have one.  Odd as it might seem to have the science and not arts it was because I had quite a few science classes in addition to all my English classes. My grammar skills are sorely lacking.  I forget to use proper punctuation.  Maybe I need an editor to review my blog?

The final dream that floats through my head today is the dream of owning my own home and a nice size piece of acreage to go with it.  I grew up in Upstate New York on fifty-seven acres of woodland.  I'm used to wildlife, trees, and quiet neighbors.  My parents would always tell me how lucky I was to have all that land to play on when I'd beg for a ride to the mall to meet up with friends.  Guilt trip or were they correct?  I'm inclined to think its a bit of both.  They wanted to spend some time at home with one another while we played outside but they also wanted us to appreciate what they gave us with all that space.  I do miss Upstate New York but I don't miss the drugs, crime rate, and strict gun laws.  I will most likely never move back to my hometown no matter how much I long for the fresh air and old faces.  My home now is with my husband where ever the US Army might send us.  One day we'll have our own house, our little castle built on a foundation of love.

Beginnings

Since this is the very first posting to my blog I figured that I would introduce myself a bit for those that actually decide to read this blog, here goes nothing.

I'm an Army Wife.  Yup, that's right.  I've been an Army Wife now for just over three years and yes I'm counting.  No, I'm not counting the days until my husband leaves the Army (I'm married to a great guy that wants to make a career of this job) but I am counting the days so to speak with the experiences and friends I've made over the past three years,  five months and several days.  I won't give the exact dates or names in this blog as I need to remember the rules of PERSEC and OPSEC.  Yeah, okay, sure.  But truly its something as an Army Wife that I need to remember so that others are not put into harm's way.

I've been married for a touch over five years and most of that five years has been spent apart from my spouse.  Army life isn't easy by no means on any family member whether its the spouse sitting at home dreading that phone call that tells you your spouse has been injured or if you are the parent of a soldier hoping for some communication from your child letting you know they are alive and well.  But there are the joys of being part of the Army family too.

In this blog I will be hopefully telling my readers more about both ends of the Army life.  I will include even the mundane part as well as the exciting bits as most of the Army life is just the ordinary routine.

Before I get too sidetracked I'll give you bit more about me besides the obvious that I'm an Army Wife which means I'm a female.  lol duh!  I'm also approaching middle age fast, trying to start a family and coping with my disabilities as well as trying to maintain an air of normalcy.

I'm going to have typos and grammatical mistakes I just ask that you readers bear with me.  Hopefully you'll laugh with me, cheer me on and geez, I hope you don't cry but I can't promise a single thing as Army life has its ups and down.