Painful Lessons

Sometimes life has its painful lessons.  Listed below are the ones I've learned of late.

1) I'm learning the hard way to put me first.  I know that I've been saying for years now that I need to put me first when I'm in pain but still I some how end up the martyr.  I'm so used to it that I have no idea how to change those habits except with extreme measures which usually involve me becoming quite vocal about how I need to be treated differently.  But just how does one change when they are the cause of their own problems?  If I want to be treated differently I need to set the rules for my own treatment and reinforce the good.  I need to stop caving-in every time someone needs me.

2)  I'm learning that while I'm supposed to take it easy it doesn't mean to just sit there all day and moan with the pain.  I swear just laying about all day makes the pain that much worse.  I know it causes my fibromyalgia to flare up.  Those of you that are able to just lay about all day, I envy you and your recovery time.

3)  I've learned that when I'm out-of-order and a couch dweller I cannot make myself feel better with sugar, fat and salt laden foods.  Sure the temporary effect is just what I wanted but when I get on the scale its a nightmare.  Since my last IVF in January I've gained 14 pounds. I could blame a good portion of it on the hormones and my doctors limiting my exercise to light housework only but really I think its more of a hand to mouth issue than anything.

4)  I'm smacking myself upside the head every time I think about wanting to start an exercise program like Zumba or kick boxing or anything else that most women my age would be wanting to do.  For me Yoga is an extreme sport and even then I've been told to only stretch just so far and call it quits.  Right now stretching, as in yawn and stretch, still hurts my pelvis.

5) I've learned that giving up sugar and salt gives me a headache.  That is a painful lesson that I'd rather hide from doing but I need to ween myself off the refined sugars and added salts again.  My wedding rings were rather difficult to put on this morning making it another painful reminder of why I shouldn't eat Pork Bao.  I love Bao in shrimp and pork but obviously its not good for me when I eat way more it than I should.  I have no constraint when it comes to Bao.

6)  I've learned that the melatonin I'm taking is helping my pain in the left side of my upper abdomen.  Yeah weird huh?  The prilosec after three weeks didn't eradicate the pain but two nights of melatonin and my stomach was feeling much better.  Melatonin is supposed to help reduce the affects of stress on the body and create better quality eggs for IVF.  No I'm not going to do IVF again, my eggs are crap but the melatonin helps with my sleep quality and stress reduction.  Unfortunately if I do get pregnant I can't use it. 

7) IVF does not guarantee a baby.  It doesn't matter how great of an embryo quality you have because I've had two Grade A embryos and both pregnancies have failed.  All it can guarantee is a lighter purse, heavier heart, fatter belly, and pain.  Sorry if it seems like I'm putting my thumb down to IVF but so many of us have learned what I have learned.  IVF is just a diagnostic tool that sometimes works with happy end results.

I AM FORBIDDEN

In I Am Forbidden by Anouk Markovits the characters of  Mila and Josef would understand how I feel about having a family.  I want a baby and there isn't much I wouldn't do to get pregnant.  I am infertile. I've done the whole infertility journey with IVF, IUI, HSG, SIS, SA, and the abbreviations go on from there.  This book really brought home to me that because of my religion I am more free to pursue infertility treatments than others that are held to their bond by their religious beliefs.

I can remember back to when I first found out I would have trouble conceiving a child.  It was 1995 and I was married for the first time and living at Fort Hood in Texas.  I was young and naive enough to think that if I just had sex when I ovulated everything would work out on its own.  Well I didn't know back then what I know now.  Its not that easy for some of us.

My ex had bad sperm.  I ovulated early.  He and I managed to conceive just once on clomid and it was a twin pregnancy of which I miscarried just before the first trimester was completed. 

Fast forward to the present day.  I've now gone through many  infertility treatments and have achieved four pregnancies.  None have produced a viable offspring.

I know how Mila feels when she sees all those swelling bellies and women pushing prams.  I feel the same longing and jealousy.  I think, "why not me?".

I have struggled now for 16 years to have a child.  My time is almost up.  The endometriosis has claimed more than one pregnancy.   I feel the frustration that Josef felt before his wife became pregnant from a tryst.  I too wonder if I'll ever have a child to pass on my lineage.  I'm thinking for me there are no more options.

As my own journey draws to an end I find that I have learned a lot about myself .  I have learned just how far I'll go to have a child.  I have learned that I won't always listen to my doctors but I will still do what I feel is best for me especially when they wanted me to give up years ago.  I would have given my own life in order to bring a child of my own into this world.

 This post is inspired by I AM FORBIDDEN by Anouk Markovits. Though not sisters by blood but through their Hasidic faith, Mila and Atara views the rules and structure of their culture differently. Mila seeks comfort in the Torah while Atara searches for answers in secular literature she is forbidden to read. Ultimately each must make an irrevocable decision that will change their lives forever. Join From Left to Write on May 8 as we discuss I AM FORBIDDEN. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Continuing Pain

I'm still here.  The pain is still here.

I tried to sleep in this morning but I forgot to have J remove the phone from the bedroom and turn down/off the ringers.  So at 0930 S calls me and is upset that Equity is refusing to come out for her non-emergency toilet running.  I told her give me 30 minutes and we'll be over there to fix it.

Army wives need to know how to fix something as simple as a leaky faucet, dryer hose disconnect, running toilet, etc...but alas most of them don't know how to fend for themselves when the repairman is not on duty for regular maintenance calls. 

We hauled over with us the tool box and repair manual.  We get there and S says that it stopped.  Really?  This means that I missed my sleep, I have a headache, didn't get in a shower and well I'm in fricken pain.  I didn't say all this to S but I did get a rather cool reception from her because I wasn't at home for her phone call telling me that I wasn't needed anymore.  Sorry but when I say I'll be there in 30 minutes it means you'd better call me within 20 to tell me you don't need me because the other 10 minutes is spent traveling in the car to your place.

By the way, the T3 is just a joke.  I'm starting to wonder if its really T3 or just placebo pills that look like T3 because its not working on my pain level.  I guess come Monday I'll be calling and begging for an ultrasound to find out what the heck is wrong inside of me now.  This is just stupid making me deal with this pain when they could be doing something for me.

So no I'm not angry with S I'm angry with my pain and the fact that I just fell asleep and got woken up because of my own stupidity of not taking the phone off the hook.  But I just don't understand why she is cool with me.  Usually I get a two arm hug, now I get a one arm barely hug me hug when just yesterday it was different.  I can't figure out people.  Maybe its because J had other things he had to do today and couldn't babysit at the last minute her boys so she could get some glamor shots done?  Well J has only 48 hours off a week and he needs to get stuff done here that he likes and wants to do.  I certainly can't be babysitting kids right now with my pain level.

S if you are reading this please understand that I'm in pain and not angry with you.

Reading Is Pure Bliss For Me

Today, as I'm working my way through another book for my book club of which I will write a review of around the 23rd of May I realized just how many books I've read since the beginning of the year.  Sixteen books, and not all for the book club either.  Most of the reads have been selected by me from my ever growing stack of books that I pick up used and put into my want to read pile.

On Monday I have a review for a book due that I finished last month.  I think that many in the infertile community will appreciate one of the themes in the book since its directly related to us.  But I'll leave that for Monday's post.

Reading is my way to escape from the world and its stresses.  For me curling up with a book to read is pure bliss and it envelopes my "me time".

So without further ado here is my list of books I've read thus far:

Quiet; The Power of Introverts in a World that can't stop talking  by Susan Cain  (book club)

The Inheritor by Marion Zimmer Bradley

Witchlight by Marion Zimmer Bradley

The House Between The Worlds by Marion Zimmer Bradley

Confessions of an Ugly Step Sister by Gregory McGuire

The Awakening by Kate Chopin

The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by Jan Philipp Sendker  (book club)

Signs of Life by Natalie Taylor  (book club)

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver  (book club)

Up by Patricia Ellis Herr (book club)

A Prayer For Owen Meany by John Irving

I Am Forbidden by Anouk Markovits (book club will be posted 7 May)

The Time Traveler's Wife  by  Audrey Niffenegger

The Girl With A Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier

The Prince and the Pauper by Mark Twain

Julia's Child by Sarah Pinneo  (currently reading and half way done...for book club)

I think that perhaps the only reason why I was able to read 16 book since just this year is that I have no children to occupy my time.  I would gladly give up the majority of my reading time to spend it with a child of mine.  If only I had child....

Update Of Yesterday's Pain

So yesterday I finally got a call back from the RE's office four hours after they said they'd get right back to me.  Well I guess that isn't too bad unless you are in pain.

I'm not allowed to use the oxycotin or vicodin any longer because they contain the synthetics that it seems that I am allergic to, unless I piggy back it with Diphenhydramine HCL (Benadryl) or so Nurse S said.  Well they are just guessing its the synthetic ingredient.  The doctor prescribe me a whole 6 pills of T3.  Oh wow, at one every 4-6 hours that will last me an entire day.  Insert a ton of sarcasm here.  Thanks for being so generous doc.

I'm not being taken seriously.  No I didn't take the pain killer last night.  I opted to able to poop this morning.  If you've taken codeine you know what it does to the bowels.  Today I might take sone in about an hour before I head out to my marriage counseling session.  What do I care, I don't have to drive! 

So I'll find out today if its the synthetic in the hydrocodone and oxycodone or if its the codeine itself.  Don't worry I live right next to the hospital.  Oh and I've learned to keep Diphenhydramine HCL  and my rescue inhaler in my purse in case of allergic reactions.

I just can't believe Dr. C. only prescribed me a stingy amount of the drug.  He knows that I only rely upon narcotics when all else fails.  The oxycotin I used the other day was left over from May of 2011, prescribed for the same reason as what I'm dealing with now.  I'm such a drug addict...insert more sarcasm!

I Can't Figure Out My Mood

Short post.  It hurts my back and pelvis to sit here and type.  I feel like crying from the pain and I'm nauseated.

Funny how I woke up and the pain wasn't all that bad but now it is.  I find it depressing.  I find that I'm cranky.  I find that I'm just all over the place with my moods.

I didn't take a single pain killer last night but I might just today.

**Update 1050 hrs**
Just talked with Nurse S at the RE's office.  She says for me not to take any more vicodin because the itching means I'm allergic to it.  She noted in the computer my start date and said for me to call back when my next cycle starts.  She is going to talk to the doctors about what I can now do for pain control.  She did suggest NSAIDs but I can't take those with my gatric ulcer.  Hopefully they can think of something a bit stronger than the acetaminophen and heating pad routine.  I'll update again when Nurse S gets back to me  or at the latest I'll update tomorrow.

Cycle Off

Last week at the RE's office I was told to take the cycle off.  Oh sure like that is going to be easy with all these OPK's at home.  I started a new cycle on Friday and yesterday was only CD 4.  Believe it or not I had my LH surge.  I had started testing last week Wednesday after on Tuesday I was told I was recruiting follicles.  But because I've been in so much pain J and I took the rational approach and decided to stick to the doctor's orders.  I'm at high risk right now for ovarian torsion.  Do I really want to risk losing an ovary in my attempt to catch the egg?  No.  But I do want a baby so I keep sitting on the fence with this particular issue.

Logic and reasoning have kicked in.  Given my age of 42 I'm advanced maternal age.  My egg quality sucks.  Cycling out a new egg within a week of being told that I'm recruiting follicles means that most likely the egg released in the the next 24 hours won't be of high quality.

Still I keep thinking what if.  What if we don't try this cycle and we lose out on our last chance to make a baby?
What if we do try and I do conceive?  What if we do try and it causes ovarian torsion?

Much as I want a baby I don't want to risk body parts to do so.  Much as I really want sex right now I don't want it if its just going to cause more pain.  I'm taking my Oxycontin, one before bed and one at 0500 hrs.  The pain killer only takes the edge off and if my pelvic region is slightly brushed it hurts like hell.  I'm not sure I could within stand even a quicky for the sake of baby making.

Endometriosis has left me with so many problems.  While I bleed my best friends are my hot rice bag and the bathroom.  Each cycle means I again ask my husband to put me out of my misery the pain is that bad. I rarely have relief from the adenomyosis and endometriosis pain during any part of my cycle.

Oh and my newest oddity is that within 30 minutes of taking the codeine and acetaminophen combination pain killer (vicodin, oxycotin, T3, percocet,whatever you call it) I start to get the creepy crawly feeling on my limbs that moves inward to my torso.  I have to scratch the itchy spots because they are so intense.  Not fun.

Today is my last chance at catching the egg. If I feel up to it I'll give it a try but in all likelihood I'll be letting this cycle just roll on by.