January First

While I read this true story I felt conflicted.  I knew how it felt to be labeled.  I am not schizophrenic, however I do have borderline personality disorder.  Twelve years ago I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar NOS.  I have been put on various cocktails of drugs of which never seemed to work.  They have upped my dosages to the point that I would fall down while trying to walk.  I was even put on Geodon, an anti-psychotic, at one point because my ex husband convinced my psychiatrist that I was hearing things.  It took a divorce to show the doctors it wasn't me and I wasn't having mental issues other than the borderline personality disorder brought on by the years of abuse.

No, I wasn't hearing things.  I heard him talking in low volumes on his cell phone to his mistress, now his second wife.  The problem wasn't with me, the problem was with my first marriage.  There is only just so much mental and physical abuse a person can take before they snap.  I snapped in the wrong direction.  I felt worthless and wanted the world to stop so I tried to take my life.  See, wrong direction.

I can only describe the feeling like I was in a bird  eggshell.  I was closed in and trying to drown out the problems around me but my shell was still to fragile to protect me and I cracked.

Finally I found the right direction.  No medication could fix the issues for me.  Talk therapy helped immensely.  DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) group sessions helped me find the good in my life and the good in me.  I got out of the bad marriage.  The old me just wouldn't work in the new world that I had to create for myself.  I learned to cope with the environmental factors and radically accept that which I could not change.

Unfortunately for people like Jani with schizophrenia, January, talk therapy alone doesn't normally work like it did for people like me with lesser disorders.  Like many of my schizophrenic friends ( I met quite a few in the psych ward while I was being held), they need to find an equilibrium between the medications, their variation of reality, and the talk therapy of which for some can help immensely.

Though I do not have schizophrenia I do understand how it feels be held against one's will in a psych ward.  I also know how it feels to not want to leave the psych ward since it can be quite a safe environment where friendships that you wouldn't have on the outside are formed with people that do understand.

How far would you go to advocate for your child? In January First, father Michael Shofield and his family struggle to find the right treatment for his daughter Jani, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia at six years old. Join From Left to Write on September as we discuss the Shofield's memoir January First. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Can I Get Some Quiet, Please

 I found myself in the pages of a book. Not just any book but Quiet by Susan Cain.

I had long concealed, even from my spouse, just how introverted I was until reading this particular book. I decided to face up to the fact that I wasn't happy faking who I was.

I found out that I'm the type of person that is always self monitoring herself. I'm always aware of what I'm doing and the impact of my decisions and actions on those around me. When I have to be out in society or at a family gathering I'm always trying to please someone else, I'm a social chameleon if you will. I'd rather just be pleasing me but I had no clue how to do just that until now. I've learned that I can use something called " free trait theory". If I plan to act a certain way or do a certain thing to please someone else I should be prepared to give back to myself some free time to do what I need to make me happy.  I like to read, craft, take long walks all of which make me feel more energized than say an aerobics class where I'd have to participate with a bunch of other people.

After I read this book and applied some of its ideas my marriage improved right off. My husband, also an introvert, readily understood what I needed when I said I need some "Me" time. I needed to recharge after doing for everyone. 


Its going to take some time for this highly reactive individual to learn to put herself first when possible. I was raised with two extroverted parents that were more self-involved with their own lives then in the lives of their children. But there were expectations to be fulfilled. I was always under a lot of stress to perform and perform well.

Now begins my journey of self exploration and relieving the stress in my life. Now its my time to find what makes me happy.


Are you an introvert or extrovert? Author Susan Cain explores how introverts can be powerful in a world where being an extrovert is highly valued. Join From Left to Write on January 19 as we discuss Quiet: The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain. We'll also be chatting live with Susan Cain at 1PM Eastern on January 26. As a member of From Left to Write, I received a copy of the book. All opinions are my own.

Miscarriage Therapy Session # 1

Rain drummed on the roof of my SUV as we drove to the clinic.  I looked over at J and asked him to run an errand for me while I was in therapy.  He nodded in agreement and said that he has the list for the grocery store.

J pulled up to the building and let me out into the pelting rain.  This is it I think. Time to go in and get some therapy.

First thing first, I have to check in with the receptionist and use their computer to log my emotions.  Have I been suicidal?  Have I had thoughts of harming anyone?  Have I had marriage issues?  Those are just some of  the general questions that I have to answer in order to get seen at my appointed time.  Thankfully there is an essay block where I can type in the real reason I need to see my therapist today....miscarriage.  Plain and simple I need to find a better way to grieve.

20 minutes later I'm in the therapy room.  My doctor asks me how I'm doing.  I'm trying not to lie but I feel like I have to close up.  I have to protect myself from further hurts.  She sees that I'm already closing down within minutes of the session.

JD gets me to open up a bit.  Just a bit and some tears flow.  Quickly I suck it all back in and start bouncing my left foot up and down while the right one rests over it crossed at the knee.  She says to me, "do you see what you are doing?".  I respond with a squeaky voice with a simple, "Yup".  Why she wants to know.  I explain that crying is a waste of energy and that I was taught to suck it all up.  She says she can see that I'm angry.  Correct I am.  I'm very angry.  I'm being childish but I'm angry at myself and the world.  She explained to me that I'm "wasting" more energy by letting the anger build up when I should let the tears flow.  Its okay to cry.  Its okay to feel hurt and betrayed and all those other emotions that we go through when we have lost someone important to us.

She explained to me it doesn't matter how far along I was pregnant, the fact is that its harder when you go through IVF because you know you are going to create that baby and have it transferred to your body.  You know you are pregnant even if only for a little time.

So JD and I are going to work on my issues with this miscarriage on a weekly basis until I can learn to grieve and let go.  I really need this as I go into my next IVF cycle.  I'm scared of losing another pregnancy.

Even now I'm sucking the tears back in.  I'd like to try to schedule a tear session for Sunday when J has his CQ duty.  I'll have the house to myself for 24 hours and I'll be able to possibly let go and give myself some time to grieve.  Yes, I'm embarrassed to be seen crying.  I never used to be this way.  This is something that has recently started and I don't know how to let go and lose control now.  Its scary.