Wanting To Write

I've been wanting to write a blog post for some time.  But obviously I haven't until now.  Oh I have my reasons.  Primarily I'd say it is because I didn't want to dish.  But I need to vent, I need to stretch myself out to my readers who have been where I've been and where I'm going.

So here I'll go....

Having a baby is wonderful.  It has changed my marriage profoundly.  I have less: sex, sleep, food, free time, shower time, you name it time.  But I get more love from a never ending source of pure energy that will one day turn to despise me because I probably won't give her something that she has to have or she thinks she'll be ostracized from her peer group without the item.

Mainly my problem is my spouse.  The more pain I'm in the more pain he proclaims he is in.  Example: This week I've been limping about with my knee and hip issues due to the weather and he complains about sliding on the floor with socks.  He goes to sick call and has them look at this big toe.  They take an x-ray but don't think he broke it.  It isn't broke.  It barely has a violet undertone to the nail.  Barely a sprain they told him.  He needs the pity from me I guess.

My birthday was Monday.   J decided he couldn't get me a gift because he just couldn't figure out, after 12 years together, what I could possibly want, so he writes me a letter.  That very day he reneges on the promises in the letter and the next day too.  I spoke nicely in a calm and quiet manner to him about it.  He says you make me feel like Hitler.  I asked him how I made him feel like that?  He says that in an article he read recently that it is something that Hitler would have done.  I sigh at that point.  There is no point in continuing this conversation.  Oh and on my birthday I went to a place bought myself some potting soil, plants and plant hangers for the boxes I had on hand.  So far I have the planter boxes up but no plants in them.  I am working around the baby's schedule and the heat index too.

I have said to my husband that I feel as though that the more restriction my doctors place upon me that the more he resents me.  With this resentment I feel as though J decides to test me to see just how much more he can pile on me for work even though I do ask for his help.

Last night I was really tired and achey.  My hands were swollen and hurt.  No I still haven't had the carpal tunnel surgery.  Yes, the carpal tunnel in my right is severe but I said I would put it off until E is in school so that J has more time saved up.  Back to last night.  J made E fish sticks.  He cooked himself dinner and ate my take out left overs.  He didn't call me to the table.  I go into the kitchen.  I asked him if he was planning on inviting me to dinner to.  He said he didn't think of it.  So I went back to the living room.  I held my temper.  I went back into the kitchen and very nicely told him I didn't like this.  I said that, "remember how you felt at Christmas when your family didn't invite you to the table for dinner?  Remember how that made you feel when they ate without you?  Well that is how you've been making me feel each time for the past year.  When your Mom came here to help out with E when I had the surgery just after giving birth.  No one cooked for me.  I wasn't invited to the table.  You didn't make me a meal either.  When I had surgery in January again you didn't cook for me either."  He got my point.

So there I've dished.

Eily playing the bongos and playing with a drum can.

Positive, Positive, Positive

Trying to think positive.

Meanwhile, Manflesh is getting on my nerves.  Bringing home his work worries and complaints really isn't needed when he allows it to spoil our weekend.  If it continues I will move out because I don't want the stress to affect this cycle.  Life with a soldier really isn't at all like what they show on television.  There are no great reunions after deployments of any length.  The only thing that is blockbuster is their moods.

Sighs, hoping he'll put on his sign that says he'll suck it up and leave it at work rather than bring it home to family time.  Doubting that will happen.

Last night while carving a pumpkin we get a call from a person he works with.  Manflesh is giving orders and he needs to deseminate the information.  From that one call our evening went in a down hill roll like a cannon ball with a lit fuse hitting the pins.  The next four hours were spent with him in a foul mood and me trying to explain to him that he can't let crap from work ruin our family time.  We don't get much family time and I'd rather not spend it with him trying to pick a fight.

I guess he figures that if he can get me angry at him then he'll be justified with having a bad mood for Monday work call.  I'm tired of guessing.  He needs to listen to our marriage counselor and actually implement for more than two days in a row the suggested advice of the professional.

So I'm trying to think positive today that when he gets home he'll have left his work at work.  I don't care how late he comes home I'll keep his dinner warm for him while he tries to leave all finished and unfinished business at work where it belongs.   Civilians live here and sleep here and we don't take orders from folks in uniform unless it is under dire circumstances.  Maybe that sounds harsh but I'm trying to keep a peace zone in my home.  A stress free zone.  A happy zone.  Oh and I know that it doesn't fully work unless all parties are willing to make it work.

Must think positive.  Keep smile on face, find many reason to laugh and many reasons to thank God today for everyone and every blessing in my life.

Gay and Lesbian Marriage

Yes I'm going there.  I think gays and lesbians should be allowed to married their partners and have all the same rights as a heterosexual couple.  Aren't we all allowed the same according to the Declaration of Independence?  "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness".

I like the idea of creating more families.  I like that I am opened minded enough to not judge someone else because of their sexual preference.  I mean really does it matter to me who they love?  No.  So why should I pass judgement upon them?  I shouldn't and I won't.

I  like how Obama has decided that he will support gay marriage. However I don't like how the House Armed Services Committee banned gay marriage on the military installations.  Read more at the link below:
 http://www.military.com/news/article/obama-gay-marriage-stand-spurs-ndaa-amendments.html?ESRC=eb.nl 

"On the same day that President Barack Obama declared support for gay marriage members of the House Armed Services Committee included in the Defense bill for next year measures intended to prevent gay marriages from taking place on military bases.
One amendment to the National Defense Authorization Act  provides “conscience protections” for chaplains whose religious beliefs and sponsoring agency are opposed to homosexuality and gay unions. Another amendment states that no base chapel shall be used for gay marriage or marriage-like ceremonies."

Feel free to tell me how you feel one way or the other.  If you want to vent in your comments just make sure you aren't being vulgar and I'll post it.

*Please note that I realize that my blog post have been sorely lacking in grammar and punctuation correction.  The intellectual content hasn't been the best either and I can only blame the pain I am in as the source of my bad blogging.

Odd Dreams

Every night I dream.  Every time I close my eyes to nap I dream.  I always remember my dreams at first until they fad away.  But there are times that the dreams stay with me for years.  Its as though someone or someones are trying to send me a message.

Now I'll share a dream from last night's sleep.

I was in a run down trailer in its little attached porch and it was Christmas season.  I know this trailer well as my ex in-laws, who are now deceased, lived there once upon a time and on the enclosed porch they'd put their Christmas tree each year.  All their kith and kin were gathered there, including the broken family ties and the new ones which made for an odd gathering.  I was there and my ex and his new family was there.  My infertile ex with his new wife and baby were present.  He made sure I saw the baby.  But I knew it was her ex-husband's child and not that of my ex's.  Long story there but he was in real life sleeping with another man's wife that was pregnant, the SOD!  Still he had the family he always wanted now.

I had come by to return to him an item he had left behind.  This is a non-existent item and just something symbolic that my dream state made up mind you.  I was returning a large glass paperweight, similar to my actual life real one which is way smaller, that was made of Murano (Italian) glass.  But this one was gaudy, flashy and had no real substance except to be what someone of  trashy taste would want.  We all know the type and I'd rather not hurt my reader's feelings by going too deep.

I had a second Italian glass ball in my other hand.  Inside it was a simple piece of genuine white coral.  Captured when it was full of life and potential but this one belonged to J.

To me this is stating that my first husband had no substance and was what you see is what you get type and that meant slob, fat, lazy, and well trash. 

J's is the untapped potential that I know he has.  The quiet dignity, the protection like the coral protects the fish, and the grace of giving.

I think that my dream is of letting go of that which never really pleased me and finding what I really need and want that is with me now in my J.  I love my husband.  Whether or not we have children together I know that he will always do his best to provide for me and protect me.  He is willing to correct things that go awry; to fix the balance.  Marriage is a balancing act especially when married to a soldier.

So Not O.Kays

Sorry not the best of photos of my hand but the camera I have is fading fast.  I took the photo of my wedding rings for a reason and I shall now explain why.

During the first miscarriage, the October IVF miscarriage to be precise, I got angry.  I hated everything for a bit.  I even managed to break my wedding band. 

My engagement ring is a marquise set in platinum and the wedding band is hinged and set in white gold.  Because it is hinged it wraps about my engagement ring protecting it.

I won't go into details on how I broke the band and I did discuss it in detail as to why I did and how with my psychologist.  The thing now is that it is fixed but still not right.  J bought the engagement ring for me from a local jewelers in my hometown.  The wedding band he purchased from a chain store.  The chain store is so not O.kays with fixing things right.

There is your hint on who we got it from and who fixed it with the "o.KAYS".  Sure they have a warranty and they say they'll fix it but they don't fix it right.  It took two tries and five weeks to get it even this close to fitting right.  How hard is it to fix a hinge?  Not that hard.  I used to make jewelry and fix jewelry.  I was told by not O.kays that if I brought it back in again after the holidays they would make it right this time.

I was so frustrated with their second feeble attempt at fixing my ring and the fact that they wanted to send it away for a third time with my engagement ring this time that I broke down into tears in the mall.  Yes, I let the flood gates open.  I was warned it could happen if I held it back for way too long.  O.Kays argued with me that the ring was fixed right too.

I told them the engagement ring is all I have left of us if he deploys soon.  I can't surrender that not knowing if I'll get my diamond back.  They assured me that nothing would happen to my diamond as its inscribed on the diamond with a special number.  I've heard before that other women's rings were replaced with glass at some jewelers.  Its not like I have the proper tools here to test it to make sure its my diamond either. 

I explained to Not o.KAYS that I didn't know why they couldn't just put in another ring similar in size to mine at the place where its being fixed to make sure it closes properly.  I even made them take similar engagement rings out of the case to prove my point.  Oh and guess what, they had a person trade in my style band that very day.   So after looking at the other band and looking at mine they realized with a , "hmmm" that they were wrong and I was right.  Not that o.KAYS would admit to upsetting me in the least.

So here is my advise, don't buy from them if you can help it unless its a very simple design that is extremely popular.  In my case my ring basically a limited edition that can't be sized and to them is nearly impossible to fix.

I saw this as a sign that my marriage will never be right again, like my wedding band, and I'll just have to accept that its changed.  Losing two babies in such a short period of time does hurt a marriage.  Its now time for us to put the pieces back together and work through this before we start the next round of injections in a few weeks.

I've found a new marriage counselor for J and I.   J is going to his own counselor and I have mine too.  Talk therapy, just like blogging can help but with a genuine counselor at least you can get some good feedback pointing you in the right direction.  I didn't like the last marriage counselor we had, he always took my husband's side because he is a soldier.  We need a neutral party and I have hope that this new counselor will be the one.  I even requested a male so that my husband doesn't feel awkward opening up.

Miscarriage Therapy Session # 1

Rain drummed on the roof of my SUV as we drove to the clinic.  I looked over at J and asked him to run an errand for me while I was in therapy.  He nodded in agreement and said that he has the list for the grocery store.

J pulled up to the building and let me out into the pelting rain.  This is it I think. Time to go in and get some therapy.

First thing first, I have to check in with the receptionist and use their computer to log my emotions.  Have I been suicidal?  Have I had thoughts of harming anyone?  Have I had marriage issues?  Those are just some of  the general questions that I have to answer in order to get seen at my appointed time.  Thankfully there is an essay block where I can type in the real reason I need to see my therapist today....miscarriage.  Plain and simple I need to find a better way to grieve.

20 minutes later I'm in the therapy room.  My doctor asks me how I'm doing.  I'm trying not to lie but I feel like I have to close up.  I have to protect myself from further hurts.  She sees that I'm already closing down within minutes of the session.

JD gets me to open up a bit.  Just a bit and some tears flow.  Quickly I suck it all back in and start bouncing my left foot up and down while the right one rests over it crossed at the knee.  She says to me, "do you see what you are doing?".  I respond with a squeaky voice with a simple, "Yup".  Why she wants to know.  I explain that crying is a waste of energy and that I was taught to suck it all up.  She says she can see that I'm angry.  Correct I am.  I'm very angry.  I'm being childish but I'm angry at myself and the world.  She explained to me that I'm "wasting" more energy by letting the anger build up when I should let the tears flow.  Its okay to cry.  Its okay to feel hurt and betrayed and all those other emotions that we go through when we have lost someone important to us.

She explained to me it doesn't matter how far along I was pregnant, the fact is that its harder when you go through IVF because you know you are going to create that baby and have it transferred to your body.  You know you are pregnant even if only for a little time.

So JD and I are going to work on my issues with this miscarriage on a weekly basis until I can learn to grieve and let go.  I really need this as I go into my next IVF cycle.  I'm scared of losing another pregnancy.

Even now I'm sucking the tears back in.  I'd like to try to schedule a tear session for Sunday when J has his CQ duty.  I'll have the house to myself for 24 hours and I'll be able to possibly let go and give myself some time to grieve.  Yes, I'm embarrassed to be seen crying.  I never used to be this way.  This is something that has recently started and I don't know how to let go and lose control now.  Its scary.

Last Day Of Vacation

Photo by me of course from our vacation photos. 

Its now the last day of our vacation.  J signs back in from leave today.  Where did the time go?

Our vacation ends on a bittersweet note.  Not only am I assuredly not pregnant we have just about run out of time in which to create a baby.  Due to circumstances beyond my control we will have to soon stop trying to conceive.

Our marriage is like the thistle in the photo, beautiful but full of thorns.  For every good thing that happens we have had troubles.  I think that the thorns might be a protective mechanism.

I'm not trying to be a gloomy gus.  Its quite possible with modern technology, though not available to military dependents, I could conceive a child.  However, I must now realize that my door is closing.  Next week Friday I have an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist to go over what the next plan of attack is and see if some of those thorns can be removed without damage.  I know the next step is going to be painful and will most likely involve surgery.  There comes a point though when I have to make a reality check and see if its all worth it.  While I want a child of my own really bad is it worth the risk to my health?

In less than a week I'll be turning 42.  I'm high risk with the asthma, hypertension, obesity, and advanced age.  Will my life mean less if I am unable to bear a child?  I've been pregnant before and miscarried.

So with this last day of vacation I'm chomping at the bit wanting to put my cares in a bag and boot it out of the house with it going in one direction and me in the other.  I want to enjoy the rare sunshine.  I don't want to think about what is coming up.  There is more on my plate right now than just the infertility.  There are things I'm not just not allowed to discuss and probably won't be able to discuss for many months, most likely never in detail.  Suffice it to say life is going to continue to have its thorns for a while and those thorns are probably protecting me and mine more than I'm going to admit.

Marriage: The Three Legged Race

Every night my husband and I try to make time to talk to one another without distractions such at eating, television, computer games.  Its quality time for one another.  Time that we spend getting to know one another and what are our plans for the next day.

Last night I came to a startling realization, our marriage is a three legged race and I feel like I'm the only one in that darn rubber band.  I spoke a bit harshly last night.  I was tired of my spouse sitting on the sidelines with me and the Army carrying the burden of decision making.  Marriage is a participation sport.  We have to help one another to that finish line.

Wait a minute, there is a finish line?  Yes unfortunately every marriage has a finish line.  Some finish sooner than others but the goal is "until death do us part".  Some chose to cut the rubber band early and go for a divorce.  Others just sit idly by and watch as the other spouse struggles to make all the decisions and carry the load thus dragging the person they love so darn much along with them.

With my analogy last night I realized that my spouse has been sitting on the sidelines.  Its so easily done when the job gets in the way.  The Army can get in the way.  The Army can take over a marriage and destroy it if you let it.  I'm always checking up to make sure that it doesn't get into bulldozer mode and wreck our marriage.

A three legged race is all about sacrifices, balance, support and reaching that common goal.  If one person goes too fast the other will stumble and fall.  If one person tries to go off in another direction the other will get dragged along and no one likes road rash.  If something comes between you and adds friction to your rubber band, IE: The Army and infertility, then you must slow down and evaluate its reason for being there.  The balance part comes in when the other person needs more support.  So you put your arm around them and hold them close knowing that the two of you will make it to the end.

My illness, the ovarian cysts, is causing some conflict.  Our vacation plans for Yellowstone look like they are off the table entirely.  I can't walk that far around the park in this amount of pain.  J's training is becoming an issue too making our vacation window smaller.  Gas prices are eating at our budget for vacation.  So we are now making plans to possibly go on a cruise.  Not to some hot spot.  No, just a small cruise to some place nearby.  If our plans collapse further it might just become a ferry boat ride.  But what ever happens we'll make it work.

The Army won't always be in our three legged race, nor will the fertility issues.  Children though always a part of us, if we can have some, won't always live with us either.  Its just J and I in that rubber band.  We are in this adventure together exploring the race course.  Life is the adventure and we are going to live it together.

Pain update.  About 0630 hrs my ovarian cyst pain hit a crescendo and I yelped in pain.  I was doing absolutely nothing but laying in bed.  Many more of those and I'll have to head to the Emergency Room.  I really don't want to lose either of my ovaries.

A Wall Divides Us

Photo by me

Right now life for me is like this photograph.  The large path in front of me is blocked by a wall and I have to chose which set of stairs to take in order to get around that wall.  I'd love to blast my way through the stone wall but it is impenetrable to my devices, only he can remove parts of his wall. 

My vision leans more towards the right path.  I want to do the right thing.  I want to promote happiness in my marriage.  The wall is my husband's bad habits.  He could, if he wanted to, remove the stones and make a pathway.  For three years he's been building this fortified wall.  This wall of bad habits has kept many a person from getting close to him.  Now, after three years, he likes this wall.  It protects him.  I want the wall to go away, to disappear.  I'm not understanding of why that wall has to be there between us.  I'm not going to hurt him.

I realize that many a soldier builds similar walls so that they don't have to deal with the family while deployed.  Its better to concentrate on the mission without the distractions of family life.  The wall doesn't mean that they don't love us but it does mean that they refuse to see who we are when they don't want to deal with us.  They hide behind their wall.

So, like the above photo, I have to chose a path to get behind that wall.  He's worked hard at creating that wall and its not going to come down all by itself.  I have to magically get around it to help him remove a few blocks.  I can't expect him to remove all of them.  I know he'll deployed again.  He needs that wall.  But I need him too.

While he is home I need him to be there with me to experience love, joy, and the pain that life gives us.  Of late, I've been angry at him.  I hate his wall.  I don't want it to be there.  I'm at fault for not wanting to understand that its still needed there.  But he has made two paths to get behind that wall.  Now I just need to find the correct path.  I don't want to hurt him.  I can't baby him either as its not productive.  Recently I was not to act like the Drill Sgt nor to act like his mommy. He seems to respond to only one or the other.  I'm trying to be the lover, the wife, the best friend type but that wall looms over us.  Its not going to be easy and I'm not a pole vaulter by no means.

Other soldiers have walls that are one completely smooth surface, they let no one in and their relationships fail.  My guy has blocks.  He'll let me see through the chinks in the mortar from time to time.  Last night for two hours I got to see through a small crack.  He has happiness behind that wall.  His wall holds it in.  He also holds in check his rage.  I'm not sure how he can contain all those emotions that I so freely express.  I'd burst.

Love During War

I took this photo over the summer while on vacation with my husband.

Maybe some of you still realize that there is a war going on.  Maybe some of you are sick of hearing about the military.  Maybe some of you have a loved one overseas serving in a war torn country.  I can relate to all of the above because my spouse hasn't been home all that long.  For a while I just wanted to hide inside my home with no news broadcasts, not a whisper of anything military, I didn't want to think about the possible dangers and that my love might not come back home.

I have my hopes up that Obama will hold true to at least one of his promises and let me keep my husband at home for two years.  I don't think I've ever had two years with my husband at home.  Let me think, nope I haven't, but many of the military spouses can understand this as a foreign concept.

Just this week, during lunch, my husband was telling me that they are soon to start their training again.  He told me of a definite assignment coming up for the new year and of another possible one.  I realize that its going to mean he'll not be home for at least a month for each new adventure.  What is a month? its just a short amount of time in comparison to how long he's been gone thus far, but it means a lot more.  It means that yet again I'll be marking off the days on the calendar, this time not just to mark their passing, but now it will mean those empty days and long nights I've survived yet again.

I didn't marry a military guy.  I married a civilian.   Sure I've been associated with the military before and I even worked for the Department of Defense once upon a time.  Still it never prepares the family for when the soldier has to leave.  And leave they must because someone has to go out there and fight for freedom.

There are way too many left behind with open wounds in their hearts.  Our soldiers leave us to go do a mission.  They take us with them in their hearts and try to leave us with a bit of theirs as well.

The last two weeks before my husband deployed were shear HELL!  The last two weeks are supposed to be spent with immediate family only for a darn good reason.  I think we are the only ones that can understand truly that our soldier becomes a grouch before they leave.

The nightmares, night sweats, stress, and anger come on in those last two weeks.  Most of us try not to remember those last two weeks with our spouse as they aren't the memories we want to tide us over for the entire deployment.  We argued.  We loved.  We knew our time was down to just hours the last day.  Would those precious few hours be the last I would hold him?  I kept hope that I would see him again.  I'm one of the lucky that was able to hold my soldier again.  Kiss him again.  Make love with him again.  He wasn't the same guy that left me behind but I was no longer the same woman he left behind either.

Now, almost four months after he re-deployed we are still putting back together us.  Look at the above photo of the heart made of rock.  If you take out a rock you leave a hole.  Its that rock we are trying to find.  One to stand on and build from. We might have found that rock and now we just have to make it fit for us both.

This afternoon is another session of marriage counseling at the Family Life Center.  I look forward to today's session knowing that we are both willing just to be there.  There is no quick fix to a year apart.  We can't get back what we missed.  The experiences we both had over the past year were not shared together but apart.  Our paths are merging together again, slowly, so that we don't miss that precious rock that will complete us.

Remember love is the rock you build your life on.