Spring Rash

Every darn Spring I break out in a rash on the back of my hands.  Sometimes it spreads to the inside of my forearms too.  Itchy and annoying I've yet to figure out what exactly is triggering it. 

It isn't the typical red blotchy mess but skin toned and very fine bumps too. 

Just called my nurse at PNW and asked if I could use the OTC cortisone cream on it I usually use.  She'll ask my doctor and get back to me with an email later.

Seriously it looks like I've been petting a dog.  I break out from dogs the same way.  Just the very reason why I can't have a dog.  When I do interact with dogs I have to wash my hands as soon as possible after petting one.

I'm good about not scratching.  I've learned that it will just get worse.

I should have known I'd get the rash as I woke up Monday morning with my face so swollen from allergies my eyes no longer had the normal indents below them.  Oh wait those are cheek bones.  Yes it was that bad.  I decided to photograph my face too.  Anytime my allergies get out of hand I document the physical symptoms of them if possible because I forget easily, or at least try to forget, the crappy effect it had on me.

My face is back to normal as of Tuesday but the rash on my hands has spread to just under my watch band.    While it could be a side effect of the Lupron I have my doubts.  Though rash is listed under side effects.

I've also been sneezing my head off.  Just another reason I think it is my allergies.

J has CQ duty today.  The boneheads decided to post the CQ roster only at the barracks.  Since J doesn't live at the barracks he doesn't think to check there for it since they used to post it at the COF until this month.  Luckily a co-worker called him yesterday to inform him that he was on the list for today.  Hopefully he won't have it again this month but who knows.

So I'll be entertaining myself with movies tonight.  I'll have to remember to not have junk food too.  Yesterday I started my exercise routine.  Hopefully I'll remember to continue it and remind myself to stay away from unhealthy foods.

Utterances From A Fatigued Mind

I'm tired.  J had CQ duty last night which means neither of us slept.  I stayed up late not wanting to go to bed and sleep alone.  Yes, I realize that I do sleep alone when he is deployed but the one night alone drives me to stay up.

My mind is mush.  If I comment on your blogs today and my spelling is awry or what I say doesn't make much sense its because I've had maybe three hours sleep.

Oh sure its easy for everyone to tell me to go take a nap, they don't live where I do.  Day break means this place comes alive.  There is no real sleep when PT begins each morning or should I say when revelry is sounded.   

I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up this morning; 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up at all, 

The corporal's worse than the privates,  
The sergeant's worse than the corporals,  
Lieutenant's worse than the sergeants,  
And the warrant's worst of all!

I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up this morning;
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up at all! 

And tho' the sun starts peeping, 
And dawn has started creeping,  
Those lazy bums keep sleeping, 
They never hear my call!

You've got to get up
You've got to get up
You've got to get up this morning
You've got to get up
You've got to get up
Get up with the bugler's call

The major told the captain 
The captain told the sergeant  
The sergeant told the bugler 
The bugler told them all.

So yes this is what is going through my head today.  I had my beta today and will get the results later this afternoon.  I'm thinking bfn as any pregnancy test I've taken of late has been negative and I have no symptoms.  Still no AF and its CD30 which makes me about 5 days late.  Most likely I'm just nervous about the endoscopy tomorrow morning.

 

 

A New Bread Attempt

Today I'm going to attempt to make a bread I've never made before.  I will make the Jewish braid bread called Challah.  J loved the one we bought last year from our commissary and I figured while he is on CQ today I might as well put my excess free time to good use.

Who needs to do laundry?  Me, probably, but it can wait while I try to make this particular bread.

Oh I lost 0.8 lbs yesterday only to gain back 1.2 lbs overnight.  What the heck is going on with my body?  I now need to lose 5.2 pounds to get back to my pre IVF weight.

I now have an appointment to see my PCM for the very same day as my WTF appointment.  So if my RE doctor doesn't cooperate then my PCM surely will.  Well I hope he will.  Tricare, when I called them to schedule a referral appointment, had on hand the information that I was supposed to undergo a surgical procedure and they had no problem in getting me in to see my PCM for next week to get it back on its way.  Something barium endoscopy was the thing I was supposed to do according to their records.  All I know as that I will be under anesthesia of sorts and they might have to put in a balloon.  But that isn't now and I don't know when it will get done.

Our weekend plans have changed.  Good news is that its extended.  Yay!  I knew that J had a four day weekend coming up but that because he has CQ today he would be too tired to drive on Friday for the start of our vacation.  Also the place we had reservations at had only one night available and I asked to be put on the cancellation list.  So they called back and told me they now had an opening.  Now I get two nights away from this hell hole house.  I'm so thinking that beer and a hot tub are just what J needs.  He's been avoiding all alcohol and hot tubs because it can affect his swimmers.  Time to relax a bit.

Yesterday J ran 2 miles in the morning for his PT and another 11.5 miles for the "Walk To Afghanistan".  They required them to run, though the family members could walk.  I didn't go as my hip yesterday, just taking the trash cans out to the road decided to slip out again.  This time it was the left one.  Back to J again.  So J has finally decided to admit he is a bit of an athlete.  Running half a marathon in one day is enough I'd say to make that observation.  Wish I could walk half of what he runs without the pain I get. 

Okay so if I want to get that bread made, remember I'm experimenting with the gluten issues though I think we all know I have some sort of sensitivity by now, I'd best end this post and get the dough rising at least.

Latest Date With Wanda

There is no photo of today's date with Wanda.  Nope they just don't give out photos of the follicles.  But I do have some good news.

Remember me writing about the 5 antrals I had with the baseline E2 of less than 20?  Wednesday's E2 level was 1064 and I'm waiting for the blood work results on today's but I've got happiness in my veins today.

Looks like I'll be triggering this weekend.  My RE clinic is so nice to me that they are going to open up just for me tomorrow to do a special scan check.  Yup just for me.  Aren't I lucky?

But okay back to the really good news.  Including what was a cyst before of 20 mm I now have 9 follicles.  Yes, there were more hidden.

Unfortunately, as per usual with me, they are all developing at different rates.

Here are my numbers:

Uterine lining 9.1 mm

Right side: 19.5, 13, 16.5

Left side:  26, 27.5, 20,11.5, 15.5, 13.5.....we are guessing either the 27.5 or the 26 was the cyst.

So yes I could have gone with the trigger shot today and retrieved on Sunday but Dr. C. thinks that those really large ones probably won't make it.  Depending on today's lab report I'll either do my trigger tonight or take my stims for another night and take the trigger shot tomorrow.  J has CQ duty today so he is going to try to get home for the early morning appointment 0645 ish hrs.  CQ is a full 24 hours I'm hoping that they'll let him home to do the injections tonight because if I have to do the trigger, intramuscular shot, its not going to be pretty.  I can do the other shots myself if I have to.

Dr. C. is very hopeful that I will have more than one embryo this time; he's thinking 3 or 4 and just as perfect as the last one. I only had 2 mature eggs last time we did the IVF and one fertilized in the perfect non fragmented 8 cell we all hope for.  I really won't mind paying the cryopreservation fee as an add on expense if I actually have something to make it to that level.  So maybe I'll have 3 or 4 follicles which will give me mature eggs come retrieval.  Come on 11.5 become an 18!

So to celebrate, after the clinic closes for the day, I'm going to dye my hair.  I don't want to look like an old grey mare for the retrieval.

I'm so hopeful.  I'm excited. 

Snow Daze

This is my neighborhood early this morning.  Yes it was just that blue outside from the morning light trying to peek through the snow clouds.  Its still snowing too but much brighter out.

Notice that the roads are not cleared?  According the the folks in ACU's over at Madigan all the roads on post have been cleared.  If that is so then someone forgot to plow my neighborhood.

I don't really mind.  I'm from upstate NY.  I grew up in snow country.  Its just the rest of the drivers around here that I'm not too sure about in these conditions. 

Personally I want to be outside building a snowman, not driving in it,   but J won't allow me to play. He's keeping me housebound.  He is being particularly over protective.  Its okay I understand.  If I catch a cold and get sick it will affect the out come of the IVF with my impaired immune system.  Me+Cold(fibromyalgia)=one sick lady.  I want to go get the mail but J knows that there is ice on the sidewalks under the snow and he doesn't want me doing that either.

Well I was going to go do what I wanted when he left for work today.  He got called in for a CQ shift that he wasn't supposed to have today.  He called me about 20 minutes ago from work and they again changed the roster, he'll be home shortly.  Though there is CQ duty always going the rest of work got cancelled today due to road conditions.

Funny we were able to drive on the roads this morning to get my blood work done at Madigan hospital.  We made it in safely there and back even plowing through snow drifts.  J loved hitting the gas to make the car slide sideways, not with traffic around of course.  I miss doing donuts on the ice myself.

So now I sit here in a daze, a wistful daze wanting to go play in the snow but I'm being treated like a kid with the flu.  So what am I to do?  I'll cajole and plead and beg on hands and knees if I have to for at least a snowball fight this afternoon.  I don't think I'll get him to budge because he has my health in mind.

Tomorrow when the clinics re-open on post I should have the results of my day 3 E2 levels to share with all of you.  I'm hoping for a number between 50 and 80.

Oh and on the bloat note, I've gained 0.6 pounds in two days from taking the stims.  Ugh!  It looks like I've gained 10 pounds my belly is sticking out so far.  Only one tiny bruise on my abdomen.

Kirigami

Today I'll be learning how to do Kirigami.  I got this particular page-a-day calendar as a gift this past Christmas and I plan on cutting it to pieces.

Well hopefully in the right pieces and places as I've never done Kirigami before.  Origami, yes.   I can do a few things with paper in folding it, but the cutting out is going to be a bit trickier with my carpal tunnel.

I've never had a page-a-day calendar as usually I find them useless and really annoying when trying to book appointments.  My mom had one at her desk near the phone where we'd book our appointments as a kid.  Did I say I don't like them?

But this one is going to prove to be a bit of fun.  Or at least I hope it will be fun and not frustrating.  Maybe I'll even find it relaxing.

Speaking of relaxing.  I've been doing my Circle + Bloom each night for the past few days after I take my bath.  I'm not sure if its helping as of yet because last night I had a difficult time sleeping; I hear every noise in the house when I'm its only occupant.  J wasn't here in the house like he normally is after work.  Yesterday J had his CQ duty 24 hour shift.  He got home about an hour ago and is now sleeping.  I'd snuggle up with him for a bit of relaxation but he is a restless sleeper that snores.  Much as I love him I'm starting to think we need separate bedrooms so we both get a good night's sleep.  I'm a light sleeper and easily awakened, and not necessarily in a good mood when woken up.

Yes I know that sounds terrible but really, I can see why folks sleep in twin beds if they have cover issues. I can understand why some folks, a century ago, slept in different rooms; makes for better sleep and a better marriage too in my book.  My husband steals the covers, hogs the bed and snores, which keeps me awake or gives me very little sleep.  Mind you sleep is very important in an IVF cycle when one wants to maintain good health. 

Maybe its because J was away from me for so long with the deployment, hardship tour, and training.  Maybe that is why he has such poor bed sharing skills.   I love our bed, I love my husband but I can't sleep in the same bed with him and find it relaxing at all.  Its more a battlefield for space, warmth, and silence.

So maybe this Kirigami will help me release a bit more stress.  Maybe I can do it mindlessly so that I can figure out solutions to the sleep issue.  When I knit I let my mind wander but knitting hurts my hands.  So maybe this will be my new craft for this year.

New Year's Eve

Well this year won't be much different than most years for J and I.  We won't be ringing in the new year at midnight.  Most likely we'll both be fast asleep.  Usually something interferes with our ability to celebrate since he joined the Army.  At least I have him home this year.

J has CQ duty tomorrow all day.  That means he'll be driving the now sober drunks home from jail, well its possible at least as sometimes they have to do that while on CQ duty.

Since I'm sick and J starts his own antibiotics tomorrow we'll not be drinking.  Well okay the CQ duty would again prevent him from having that NYE's drink too.

I have no resolutions for next year.  I really don't believe in making promises that I probably won't be able to keep given that there is a great unknown of 365 days in front of me.  The only thing that I can promise is that I'll try to continue to eat healthy, lose more weight next year, and find a happier me with or without children.

I'm thinking that with my health taking a sudden nose dive of late this truly will be our last cycle of IVF.  I wanted to go ahead with donor eggs this summer if the January IVF failed.  I'm not so sure that will be an option.

More and more I'm finding my chest hurts and my breathing is becoming more difficult.  Its not the weight.  I've lost 24 pounds since August which comes out to 6 pounds a month.  I still have 35 more pounds to go until my goal weight.  So I highly doubt that bit of weight is causing the chest pains and difficulty breathing.  My guess is its the sinusitis.

Today we bought groceries and I was almost breathless just unloading them.  I had to sit on the floor to get my chest to stop hurting and to catch my breath.  No pregnancy for me isn't going to be easy.  But I still want to try.  I can only imagine being pregnant with a sinus infection would put me to bed for a week.

So maybe I can make just "trying" a goal for the new year.  I will continue to try with all that I do because if I give up now I'm doomed to a life of depression and sickness.  Now back to knitting the charity blanket I'm now working on.  Slow progress but its progress nonetheless.

Household Chores

Its Monday again.  How can I tell?  Well the mountains of laundry in my utility room confirm the day is truly here again.  Sorry but I need to vent a bit today.

My husband is still training, after 6 years of marriage, on household duties.  He actually did two loads of his own laundry yesterday.   I have one load of my personal stuff of which I mixed with the three loads I still have to do of the household laundry.

Oh I still have all of my husband's socks to wash.  That he didn't do yesterday because they are whites and well he figured I would do them for him.  Hmmm...he could have volunteered to just do the whole load of whites for me right?  Wrong.

After 6 years we are still working on who has to do what for household tasks.  I think we will never quite agree on the chores.

He believes its a man's job to empty the trash.  For the past two weeks I've been emptying the trash and taking it to the road.  So does this make me a man?  Need I remind him that I was quite capable of doing it for the year he was deployed and I didn't have to grow a set of testicles to do that job.

I refuse to believe that all the housework should fall upon the shoulders of just one person.  I don't think like my parents or even his parents.  I don't fall prey to J's tactics that if he screws up the task I'll not ask him to do it again.  His father told me yesterday that he does just that so that J's mom will take it over for him.  Not me, I just make J re-do the task until he gets it right.  We learn from our mistakes.

Late last night J told me he has CQ duty on 1 January.  He thought he told me two weeks ago.  Two weeks ago I had told him that if he has any CQ duty coming up he needs to put it on the calendars.  We do have one for next year and its right next to the present one, J even put it right there himself.   I walk into the kitchen with him following me and he said I was right that he didn't put it on the calendar and probably did forget to tell me.  The reason why the CQ duty even came up was that I reminded him that there would be no holiday drinking this year because he has to start the antibiotics on the 1st of January.  He said, "I guess I'll be taking them to CQ with me then.".  That is how I found out.

So I'm practicing my mindfulness of late.  I'm not breaking things or going mad.  I diffuse my own anger and take control of my emotions.  But I still can't lower my blood pressure enough.  This weekend I had a wicked headache and my blood pressure went up to 146 on top.  Good thing my Circle + Bloom set arrived on Saturday.  I think I'll take some time to meditate and listen to it today.  I need to relieve some stress before this next IVF hits the shot part.

Miscarriage Therapy Session # 1

Rain drummed on the roof of my SUV as we drove to the clinic.  I looked over at J and asked him to run an errand for me while I was in therapy.  He nodded in agreement and said that he has the list for the grocery store.

J pulled up to the building and let me out into the pelting rain.  This is it I think. Time to go in and get some therapy.

First thing first, I have to check in with the receptionist and use their computer to log my emotions.  Have I been suicidal?  Have I had thoughts of harming anyone?  Have I had marriage issues?  Those are just some of  the general questions that I have to answer in order to get seen at my appointed time.  Thankfully there is an essay block where I can type in the real reason I need to see my therapist today....miscarriage.  Plain and simple I need to find a better way to grieve.

20 minutes later I'm in the therapy room.  My doctor asks me how I'm doing.  I'm trying not to lie but I feel like I have to close up.  I have to protect myself from further hurts.  She sees that I'm already closing down within minutes of the session.

JD gets me to open up a bit.  Just a bit and some tears flow.  Quickly I suck it all back in and start bouncing my left foot up and down while the right one rests over it crossed at the knee.  She says to me, "do you see what you are doing?".  I respond with a squeaky voice with a simple, "Yup".  Why she wants to know.  I explain that crying is a waste of energy and that I was taught to suck it all up.  She says she can see that I'm angry.  Correct I am.  I'm very angry.  I'm being childish but I'm angry at myself and the world.  She explained to me that I'm "wasting" more energy by letting the anger build up when I should let the tears flow.  Its okay to cry.  Its okay to feel hurt and betrayed and all those other emotions that we go through when we have lost someone important to us.

She explained to me it doesn't matter how far along I was pregnant, the fact is that its harder when you go through IVF because you know you are going to create that baby and have it transferred to your body.  You know you are pregnant even if only for a little time.

So JD and I are going to work on my issues with this miscarriage on a weekly basis until I can learn to grieve and let go.  I really need this as I go into my next IVF cycle.  I'm scared of losing another pregnancy.

Even now I'm sucking the tears back in.  I'd like to try to schedule a tear session for Sunday when J has his CQ duty.  I'll have the house to myself for 24 hours and I'll be able to possibly let go and give myself some time to grieve.  Yes, I'm embarrassed to be seen crying.  I never used to be this way.  This is something that has recently started and I don't know how to let go and lose control now.  Its scary.