Weekend Plans and Promises

I didn't have a whole lot of sleep last night.  No its not because of the Royal Wedding Of William and Catherine.  Congratulations to the newly wedded Duke and Duchess of Cambridge!  I only watched about an hour of it this morning when I got up at my usual time.  It was back to bed for me afterwards in the hopes that the pain would subside long enough to get more sleep.  However the morning phone calls and construction workers at my door prevented me from gaining more sleep.  I'm about ready to flush the phone down the drain.

I'm revving up for ovulation.  Ovulation could make my ovarian cysts enlarge more though I'm hoping that it won't which is rather stupid because I've been told what can and most likely will happen if I ovulate on my own this cycle.  So the stabbing pain in my groin started in last evening.  At times it was causing me to clutch my groin area and groan. 

My husband and I have special plans for this weekend.  I can't afford to be in pain.  I so want to have these weekend plans and we need them for our couples bonding.   But I just found out that J has CQ duty tonight.  He had no idea until he was about ready to come home for lunch.  Oh joy!  He's been wondering when he'd have it next.  He's been wondering where the schedule has been hidden.  Now I'm wondering why they didn't tell him earlier this week so we could have changed our plans in advance of the weekend. 

We made some pretty important promises to each other for this weekend and now he's going to be too tired to see them through.  We thought about going on a movie date.  There is a free movie playing on post this Saturday that J has been wanting to see called Thor so I'm guessing we'll have to put that off because I know darn well he is going to be way too tired to do anything after CQ duty but sleep.  Can't see as I blame him either after having to stay up for more than 24 hours.

J feels bad about our promises and that he won't be able to keep them.  Sometimes what we do affects others as well and I really hope there will be no hurt feelings all around if the plans do crumble.  I tried, he tried.  Still it might all happen according to plan but I can certainly say that J will be very tired as will I, from so many sleepless night due to the pain.

On a sad note pertaining to one of my flower beds, the construction workers threw some boards into my flower bed killing off my white and blue morning glories and the red sunflowers I grew from seed.  After contacting their  project manager he said he'd make them fix it.  Well someone showed up today and said the boards did no damage.  Okay sure whatever.  I closed the front door and said FML and went back to bed.  Plant killing hurts me when I grew them from seeds.  They are my babies too.  It seems to be the only thing of mine that will grow of late and it means even more to me because I'm infertile.  So when some idiot treats my personal property like their scrap yard I become insulted and with good reason.  They killed my seedlings!  I had such hope for the little climbers and tall sunflowers.  I transplanted them with care.  All for naught.  Its so aggravating.  I could even picture my morning glories climbing over the fence in full growth and blooming oh so prettily.  But now there will be nothing.  No patriotic garden this year.  They even killed off my tomato seedlings leaving the boot print for evidence behind.  So much for their promise to make sure they didn't damage my garden.  Their fix was today to take some red plastic Danger tape and put it up across the garden area.  Too little too late!

Fun Day and Personal Time

That's me as a baby.  I swear its true that my mouth is still open and I'm always talking when given the chance.  But....

Right now I need some time.  Today I'm going to go support my spouse with his Fun Day, mandatory mind you, activities.  This morning he started off with a 12 mile ruck march.  Family members were invited but alas my sciatica was acting up yesterday making movement rather painful and at times almost not possible.  I'm a bit better today but still will be using my cane to walk about the day's course of activities.

Tomorrow I'm not sure there will be a blog posting.  So much is planned for tomorrow of a personal nature.  Its mainly going to be a day of paperwork.  Social Security office, passport office, new ID card, FLC (family life center), shopping for Mothers' Day cards and I know there is something else on that list that I gave J but I don't know where he put the list.  Usually I lose my lists because I forget where I put them.  But with any luck he has this particular list upon his person, somewhere.  I just hope it didn't get too soggy since his ruck march was done in the rain.

Yes they have ponchos but unless they are given the order to done them they have to stay in the uniform of the day.  I have hope that he was allowed to put his on as at one point I called him to inform him of a newly scheduled appointment for tomorrow only to try to hear him talking through his PRO mask.  Sounded a bit like he was talking through a muffler.  By muffler I'm talking about the old fashioned scarf type of muffler not the car's muffler though its probably doing a similar job.

Time for me to hit the road.  Hope everyone has a decent day.

Sick, No Long Post Today

Not feeling well at all today.

Lot of pain and some nausea.

Rather not receive any more phone calls today so that I can relax. 

Hope tomorrow will be better.

Didn't get to sleep until after 0630 hrs and woke up several time over the morning for various reasons including phone calls.  Thank you to those that called, it was nice to hear from you but I'm going to turn off the ringer now.

Finally got out of the bed at about 1300hrs.  It took me 20 minutes to just rise from the bed and that was with much pain and a lot of difficulty.  Its a mix of a bad fibromyalgia day and the ovarian cyst pain.

I'd rather not have another night like last night where I mopped the floors in the house and did two loads of laundry just with the intent of ignoring the fact that I was in intense pain.

Oh and I'm free of all pain killers now for just over 36 hours.  Yup I'm without pain meds.  We'll just see how I fair in another day.

Right now I'd just like to go lay back down.

Sock Love

I love socks.  When I saw a pair on another blogger's blog I knew I had to buy the socks.  She was buying them for a friend that was going through infertility treatments.  Its true that having a nice pair of socks can help cheer me up when I have to be poked, prodded and told information by my RE that I'd rather not hear.  Its not like the socks will change the outcome of the exam, but they will make me feel a bit more cheery as I wait through the exam.

So after some online searching I found the socks.  I wanted them badly enough to purchase two pairs in two different colors.  I love how these cowgirl boot design socks fit.  They fit my heavy calf muscles quite well.  My legs swell easily being off the water pills.  They are quite comfortable and the top band does not bind.  I love how they look just like cowgirl boots right down to the stitching and the contoured cuff.  I see my RE often enough to warrant more than one pair.  I purchased them in the tan and the pink.

My next ultrasound is the 2nd of May.  I'm actually looking forward to this appointment and putting my cowgirl sock/boot covered feet into the stirrups.  I'm hoping to hear good news.  If I get good news this time around I might just make these my lucky socks. 

The pain is lessening on my left side.  Maybe the tennis ball sized cyst is going down.  The grapefruit sized cyst on my right ovary is still giving me that gasp of pain feeling letting me know its there and that I am too.  Got to love pain.  Pain always lets you know that you are still alive.

If you want to buy the socks here is the website: http://www.beltoutlet.com/kbewocobonos.html#

Grand Illusions and Self Pity

This morning I woke up with a strange urge.  I wanted to go to the mall.  I detest almost all forms of shopping.  My thoughts of a mall trip were probably influenced by my cousin L's recent shopping splurges online and the dream I had last night.

I've been having a lot of vivid dreams of late.  Last night two stuck out the most.  The first was that I was a teenager again and living at home with my folks.  There were rules living there and with those rules not much fun was to be had.

I remember dreaming about my friend J last night and how she always had fun breaking the rules.  I wanted to be like her.  I wanted to be able to just take off and go to the mall without my parents permission.  I was a kid that always followed the rules and rarely got into trouble.  I wanted to have fun but was afraid of the repercussion if I did break one rule.

First pity trip of the night was knowing how much I was a slave to my parents.  Knowing how much I missed out on being a kid.  I suddenly realized why my grandparents were always wanting me to come spend the night at their house and now knowing that I feel terrible.  My grandparents knew my life at home wasn't what it should have been.  I was afraid to go to their place as they raised my father and if my dad was this terrible person to me then they must have been worse.  Well that was my logic.  My grandparents were never the type to mistreat me or my brother.  No they were the typical type of grandparents that wanted to spoil us.  I just lived in terror of leaving my house for fear of being mistreated by neglecting  my chores.  I was always to blame for my mom's bad moods and her pms.  I was to blame for my dad not being happy because my mom was angry.  The dream was self pity.  If I had the chance to redo certain aspects of my childhood I think I would have spent more time with my grandparents and more time with my friends at the mall being that typical teenager.

Second vivid dream of the night.  My husband purchased two race cars.  One from the early years of NASCAR racing and the other from the mid 70's.  The older of the two only needed minor work but the newer needed an almost total rebuild.  Our friend B was there helping J out with the cars.  They went off and raced them, unregistered and got arrested.  I'm at the police station paying the fine when the copper ring I was wearing in the dream fell off and changed into a kitten then into a baby.

Pity trip number two.  It was my fault because I didn't do the paperwork in the dream so they got arrested.  Somehow I always find myself to blame for something.  I need to stop blaming myself for everything that goes wrong.  I guess that is because in my childhood I was always told I was doing everything wrong and screwing up the family unit or something akin to the cause of family dysfunction. 

The kitten and the baby part are rather obvious to me.  I've been putting off getting a cat because if I get pregnant and J deploys who will help me empty the litter box?  If we get a cat then move soon its going to be difficult on the cat with the move.  I've done Army moves with my cat, Jasper may he rest in peace, before and he did not take well to travel and had to be sedated.  I think I should have been too.

The baby part is a smack in the face that I know I must admit to defeat upon.  I think we waited to late.  The baby in the dream was running away from me each time I went to pick it up.  Big self pity trip there.  On this one particular aspect I am to blame.  I should have stood up to our marriage sooner and stated my wants and needs clearly.  This is something that can't be fixed easily.  I can't let the guilt eat at me either.  Nor can I just ignore this want.

On a really bright note it looks as though my neighbors from Oh Poop and Drama Queen are moving out.  YAY!  Seeing the U-haul in their driveway across the street last night was a joy.  Even better, though I shouldn't take joy from this but can you say KARMA?, was Rent-a-Center showing up and announcing that they were there to repossess their stuff.  I hate to see anyone fall on hard times but really Karma out did itself this time for me.  What goes around comes around.  I was nice and gave to them on many occasions when they'd told me they would return the favor. They chose to poop on our friendship.  I'll be waving goodbye to them with a smile on my face when the last load leaves and their name is taken off the dwelling.

Calm Waters

Again I find myself sitting in my home office with not much to say.  I search frantically in my mind for ideas but not one stands out from the other.  Concentrating on typing out my emotions does not give me a sense of satisfaction instead it just leads to yet another boring blog post.  But that is okay.  My life doesn't always have to be full of sunshine and rainbows.  I don't have to find drama to type about when there is only calm.  Calm is good too.

Not much of any great significance is going on at present.  My husband is trying to get new references for his OCS packet so he can submit it before the next field training.  I'm researching small projects and still working on my woven blanket for charity.  We are both waiting for my ovarian cysts to reduce in size so that we can once again start the fertility treatments.

I'm waiting, though not very patiently, for the weather to warm up.  We had a small warm spell and I put my seedlings out into the flower beds.  The tomatoes, marigolds, three nasturtiums, a few red sunflowers and a couple of pepper plants have died off.  It could have been the sudden hail storm or the one night temperatures dropped to freezing.  Its colder than normal this time of year here in Washington.  Maybe in a few weeks I can purchase some plants and put them out there without fear of them dying off.  I hate seeing my hard work die so quickly.  Gardening keeps my mind off my infertility issues.  At least with gardening I can make things grow and produce unlike my body.  Its a bit therapeutic.

My next cycle is almost upon me.  Not much longer now.  My husband doesn't like the idea that I want to have sex and risk the cysts rupturing or twisting just because I might be ovulating in about two weeks.  Two weeks gives my cysts more time to go down.  I can hope. Right?

I keep reminding myself that I don't need the clomiphene citrate to ovulate or get pregnant.  I might just yet release that perfect egg on my own and get it fertilized.  It does happen.  I have age related infertility issues.  The eggs are there and plentiful just not good quality.  Eventually I will have to accept the fact that I might never become a mother.  It isn't the end of my life.  Having a child isn't everything.  But it would be nice to be blessed with a child or two.

So I've come to the end of my boring blog post.  Today its calm.  Just the normal noises of construction in my neighborhood.  I was woken up by jack hammering on the road.  This is going to be quite normal until July.  July will bring a bit more peace to the neighborhood.

Food To Cry Over

Yesterday I slaved over the stove to create a meal that J would love but had never had before, well at least not cooked by me.  J has had plenty of manicotti, the frozen cheese type, in his lifetime and has enjoyed none of it.  With a bit of cajoling I made him agree to give mine a try. 

See I make mine from scratch.  Mine is not just cheese but beef and onion are added in as well.  I took my time making it yesterday and spent 1.5 hours on just the prep work and another 30 minutes on baking it in the oven.  Yes I even grated by hand my cheeses.  It was worth it.

J said that this was the best manicotti he has ever had and was sorry that he didn't have me make it sooner.  He said he had tears in his eyes from the joy of the flavors in his mouth.  That brought tears to my eyes as well because I knew the pain of standing so long to make this dish was worth it, finally!

Unfortunately I won't be going back for seconds on this dish.  I have a tomato allergy.  I love trying to ignore it but the reverse peristalsis always reminds me that I'm not supposed to be eating tomatoes or tomato products.  Will I ever learn?  Probably not.

J took several of the manicotti with him this morning in his dog bowl, think Jacob Black, to have for his lunch at work.  He loves his dog bowl and he loves my manicotti.  All is well in the world.

Today I plan on baking a batch of oatmeal scotchies for him and his co-workers at the COF.  I've made the cookies for other people and his old civilian engineering office years ago.  The cookies were always a favorite of his grandmother too.  She couldn't wait for me to get them out of the oven.

My pain level is still about the same.  I'm not sleeping much and am up about every 30 minutes during the night.  Not much to be done about that.

OCS application update.  J went to sick call this morning to get the new medical paperwork done. Turns out S1 isn't so smart and the paperwork is good for two years.  Ugh!  So the only thing that actually expired in his packet were the references of which he started collecting during his deployment.  With any luck he'll have most of them in hand by the end of next week so that he can re-submit his packet.  Wish him luck.