PCM Appointment and Ponderings

Sedimentary deposits on the access road to Pacific Beach.  Photo by me.

First off the PCM appointment went well.  Dr. G. listened well to me and decided to do the blood work though he too thinks that without a doubt I at least have an allergy to gluten.  He isn't sure that the blood work will show much as the test has to be done, according to his computer, after I've been eating gluten for a month straight.  He didn't want me sick for that long so he had the blood drawn yesterday.

Funny thing was that even though I've ditched my asthma medicines completely the wheezing has cleared up on its own.  Dr.G. said, "I don't know what you've been using to clear it up but its gone and whatever you've been doing keep it up.".  Interesting.  Maybe it was the vacation to the ocean?  Since then my breathing has gotten better.  I also have a new referral to Gastroenterology in the computer and will be able to call and book my appointment some time next week after its been approved for an available opening.

Now for my ponderings.

I can't figure out why they are deploying J.  He was told he wasn't going to be on the list.  He's on the list.  I wonder if its because I miscarried again.  I mean how is that nice to take away my spouse when we are both still grieving?

This third loss is tearing us both up.  I urged J to make sure he tries to get an appointment to talk to a counselor about the grief.  Seriously I have my own psychologist and we see a marriage counselor but J has no outlet and I've seen just how much this is tearing him up inside.  He is so angry and yet within seconds he is almost in tears.  If I didn't know better I'd say he was injecting himself with my IVF meds.

I know quite well that he is afraid that I might again be pregnant and that we might very well lose this one too if I am.  Really when a soldier deploys he has to get into the zone.  Yes, they get their tunnel vision before they deploy and become real bears to live with.  Its not that they don't love us its just that they have to build up that protective wall again.  The worst part is that we had just broken through that wall and now he is defenseless due to the repeat pregnancy loss.

I'm worried about him.  He is going to a hostile country.  Of late there have been more killings.  I don't want to be a widow.  I have to tell you its a big fear among us military spouses because it can very well happen.  Just the other day there was a training accident in the news.  More dead.  I guess I'll be breathing easier when he gets back home again.  I'd breath a lot easier if they just sent him off on some field exercise.  Well no I doubt I'd be happy with that either.

I know I can handle being apart from him.  I've done it before and I can do it again.  I'm not one of those fall apart spouses that can't handle being left alone.  I'm far from friendless and defenseless.  I know how to take care of myself and shoot an intruder.  Yes, my father, a former soldier himself, taught me well.

I know J will come home again.  But I don't know how well he'll be when he gets back.   He ended up being medivac'd to Balad last time.

I can't worry about the unknown because I can't control it.  I can only live the time I'm in right now and plan for a future with many different options.  I can dream of long vacations together.  I can dream that some how they'll still decide to leave him behind.  But in the end I have to face reality.

Due to OPSEC I won't be posting where he is or when he leaves.  I can only post that he will be leaving and how things are going well after he gets to his destination.