Treasure

The nightmares continue.  I'm hoping that soon they'll stop. 

Last night's bad dream gave me an idea.  Yes, sometimes a good thing can happen from something bad.  "In order to create one must first destroy."  So since the bad dream was about J's cartography hobby, no he doesn't have one it was a dream, being destroyed by people that said he was wasting his time, I came up with an idea.

J could always use more hobbies besides making chain maille ren gear and jewelry, reloading ammunition, and collecting axes.  I had an idea that since he likes maps so much and took classes in college on surveying and drafting that perhaps he could start designing kids treasure maps.

Why a treasure map?  Well we have a Geo-caching that we never use.  It was a thoughtful gift from his mom but with the weather being so wet when he gets time off we've never been able to get out there.    I thought out loud, "well why don't you read up on the Geo-caching J and find out how to make treasure maps for kids?".  He is giving it some interest.  We know of two red haired boys that would probably flip over a treasure map or two.  Maybe it will give J something to do while his back is healing.

Oh and he re-injured his back the other day when they were having him move vast amounts of boxes that weren't exactly light weight.  He has to do as they command since his profile expired.  Monday he is going to get his back looked at again.  I'm hoping its not too serious.  I can only imagine the pain he must be in.  I'm used to being in pain so I ignore most of it.  But when its acute pain and you aren't in daily chronic pain its always worse.

And The Nightmares Continue

I'm starting to think that this whole trying to conceive business is traumatizing me more than the abuse I survived.  Seriously though, the nightmares I've been having are all about pregnancy and children themselves.

Last night I had two nightmares.  The first one woke me up and if I wasn't screaming in real life I know I was in my dream.  In my dream I was pregnant with twins, I've been pregnant with twins in real life too, and my family and friends were throwing me a shower.  I'm not the party type and usually don't like to be the center of attention.  All of a sudden my friends were gone.  I was left with my mom, dad and brother.  My mom and my brother were destroying everything in sight while my dad was holding me back from stopping them.  They were yelling at me and telling me that I didn't deserve to have a child.  My pregnant belly started to shrink like a balloon that had just been unknotted.  Of course that made me scream.

Second nightmare was that I was trying to adopt an older child.  Maybe the sandy haired kid was about the age of 7 or 8.  He was into everything that J and I both liked and then some.  The kid was a perfect match for us.  Of course the adoption fell through and we were devastated.

I haven't told J about either of the dreams.  He knows that I have issues with my own family from all the abuse.  Luckily I did have a session scheduled for this morning with my psychologist.  I told her everything.  Its really understandable for me to have these dreams from what she said.  It just doesn't make it any easier knowing that I have them and will probably continue to have them for a while to come.

I hate when my fears become nightmares.

How do you, my followers, cope?

What A Mess We Have

This is my laundry room or as its now known as J's staging area for his gear.  Right now its in limbo.  Half the gear was packed ready to go when his deployment orders got rescinded.  The other half was just sitting here taking up laundry room floor space.

Now we are back to waiting again; which is a good thing I guess.  This means more time to try to create a baby.  Bad thing is not knowing how long before orders are cut again.

Currently he is listed as non-deployable but we were told face-to-face in our meeting that it could change in a month, days, or weeks.  In the meantime his injuries, though minor will have time heal.  His back strain and thigh strain he got early this month will have time to heal.  The holes in his jaw from having his wisdom teeth pulled this month will have time to heal.  I don't think I'd want to fly with jaw pain.

J wanted to go.  He will probably still go once his body and mind are in the right order to go.  Dealing with so many pregnancy losses has hurt us.  I don't want him to go but I know that he has to go.  So yes, I'm going to take advantage of him being able to be here for a bit longer.  More counseling sessions should put us where we need to be once again.

Oh and I'm going to work my butt off on not gaining any more weight from stress eating.  If I kept on this path with the "when do you go" eating style I'd be a lot heavier by the time he does leave.  So far I gained 10 pounds in a month.  I started back on my diet on Monday and as of today I've lost 3 pounds.  I have to live for me too.  This means taking care of me so that he doesn't worry so much.

Now back to my laundry room to try to find a place to set up a drying rack.

Geographical Bachelorette

Each new deployment brings with it new challenges that the military spouse must learn to overcome and conquer.  We are acting as both parents to our children, though  I have no children,  I still have many responsibilities with deployments.

When J leaves I become the mechanic, the landscaper, the architect, the renovator, the painter.  J does so very much around here that often it goes without being noticed and without being rewarded.  J leaves and I become the do-it-all super spouse.  I am the geographical bachelorette.  I'm married and at the same time single.

The first two weeks of any extended training mission or deployment are the worst.  I often think that if I don't get out of my pajamas nothing will ever get done.  I force myself to shower and get dressed.  I know that life does go on and that I have to continue to be part of it or risk it passing me by.

I'm not trying to compare my life experiences to those of Natalie Taylor because she is a widow and I am married.  She lost her husband during her fifth month of pregnancy.  I do have to say though, when J leaves we don't know if he will be coming back home alive.  Oh he will be coming home, they do try to make sure the bodies or what is left of them make it home; that perhaps is the scariest part.  The final kiss good-bye, the tears wiped from my cheek, the last hug leaves behind a memory to cherish. The heavy ache I carry in my chest for the duration of his absence can't be re-leaved by shopping, drinking, laughing, or spending time with distraction.  The ache has to be dealt with in the quiet loneliness of the night, eating meals in solitude, going to the movies alone, driving to the doctor appointments without him.  This isn't to mean that I hide from life while he is gone, as a matter of fact, I do try to live a bit.  I volunteer, I get involved with the living so I don't dwell on what I don't have in my life.   But I'm just a bit more reserved than some of the wives and I'm always clinging to my phone not wanting to miss a phone call.

Natalie won't get those precious 5 minute phone calls.  Her loss is permanent.  But we both learn to go on with our lives.  We find meaning in our activities.  We find happiness in our friendships and family connections.  We get upset with family when they get in our way and tell us how to live our lives.



Signs Of Life by Natalie Taylor was provided for me to read and write my own thoughts about by my online book club From Left To Write, therefore any opinions expressed in my blog are my own.  I have not been paid or compensated to read and review this book other than to receive a free copy of said book from my book club.  Pick up a copy of Signs Of Life and find out just how Natalie Taylor survived that first year without her spouse, you might not be able to put the book down.

A Reminder Of Who I Am

I am an infertile.  I got my face slapped today by the results of the home pregnancy test.  It was of course a BFN.  Yes, this past week I did have two tests that had two lines.  Call it a chemical pregnancy if you will, call it evaporation lines.  I will have to re-evaluate my options once again.  Maybe I will seek out adoption.  Maybe I will still do donor eggs.

I am an Army Wife.  I know that when it all comes to a head I have a responsibility to my spouse and country.  I will try hard to not bring him shame that could affect his career adversely.

I am handicapped.  I will try my best each day to get my lazy handicapped butt out of bed.  Others tell me to rest and not try so hard.  If I didn't try I wouldn't accomplish any of my goals.  Its to easy to just quit.  I refuse to give up until all possibilities are exhausted.

While reading yesterday I came across a short story that I thought I'd share with my followers.  The author is unknown.

The Military Wife

     The good Lord was creating a model for military wives and was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared.  She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one.  What's wrong with the standard model?"
     The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order?  She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both father and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or 40 with an hour's notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to move to a new location 10 times in 17 years.  And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands."
     The angel shoook her head.  "Six pairs of hands?  No way."
     The Lord continued, "Don't worry, we will make other military wives to help her.  And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired and be large enough to say, 'I understand,' when she doesn't and say, ' I love you,' regardless."
     "Lord," said the angel, touching his arm gently, "go to bed and get some rest.  You can finish this tomorrow."
     "I can't stop now," said the Lord.  "I am so close to creating something unique.  Already this model heals herself when she is sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave good-bye to her husband from a pier, a runway or a depot, and understand why it's important that he leave."
     Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation.  "There is a leak," she announced.  "Something is wrong with the construction.  I am not surprised that it has cracked.  You are trying to put too much into this model."
     The Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of confidence.  "What you see is not a leak," he said.  "It's a tear."
     "A tear?  What is it there for?" asked the angel.
     The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride and a dedication to all the values that she and her husband hold dear."
     "You are a genius!" exclaimed the angel.
     The Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."

~Author Unknown

Army Wife Woes

I love my husband, my soldier, my country.  I love being an Army Wife.

I do complain, I admit to that but usually its with good reason.

Now I need to say that the phone call I just got left me saying to myself, "this is unacceptable".    Here I am all dressed and ready to go have my meeting with the commander and J is being tasked out by his Sgt.  J called me at the top of the hour to tell me he was running late but that his Sgt. said that she had already told the commander about the delay.  I just got a call from the commander's office, the receptionist in fatigues, wanting to know the whereabouts of my husband.  They had no clue about the detail.  They were not informed by his Sgt. that he would be running late.  The commander will not be available this afternoon for a delayed meeting.  UGH!  We were supposed to discuss J's career with him today.  So I'm peeved.

I think I'll have to email his commander.  Its okay I'm one of the few that was given his email address.  It was so stated in the email I was given with the change of command.  It stated, "If you are receiving this email, I consider you an extremely important resource to our organization whom I communicated and worked  with and for on a regular bases.".  So I'm going to take liberty here and try to reschedule the appointment.  I've emailed his past commanders and we have been on a friendly basis with all of them so far.  Which I have to say isn't bad considering the rank difference.  Maybe its because I volunteer within the Army? 

The email is now sent.  We'll see where this leads.  I am hopeful that J will still be allowed to deploy.  I don't want him to deploy but it is his job.  Obama has put in place the criteria to relieve soldiers of their duty and dismiss their contracts if they are unable to perform and deploy.  The President is after all J's boss and he has to follow to letter of the law what the man dictates.

A Day Away

We needed a bit of time away yesterday.  I brought with me my crutches but I knew that there was no way I could get down to the beach with them so I left them in the vehicle.

We invited my sister with us.  Wait I have a sister?  Not a biological sister but I did upgrade my bestie, S, to sister as of yesterday.  We are a family, an Army family.  Her husband deployed recently and I'm still waiting for mine to get his orders to go.

So S, J, the 2 redheaded boys and I headed out to Port Townsend for the day.  It was spur of the moment but that is the way things sometimes end up being.  I did some Christmas shopping while in town and I'm quite pleased with the purchases I made.

J took the above photo while on the beach at Fort Townsend with the boys.  S and I walked the beach together toeing up pretty rocks.  I brought home two of the rocks.

Some of you are probably curious right now as to the results of the HPT I said I would be taking this weekend.  I did take one yesterday morning and this morning.  This morning's was negative and that means that yesterday's line was only an evaporation line.  Its now 12DPO.  I still have another 4 days to go until my next cycle is likely to start.  Usually my cycle is 24-27 days, and like I've said before I'm an early ovulator so I usually have about 16 days to wait in the two week wait.  I still have time for a positive to show up but its highly unlikely with my egg quality issue.

One bad sign, the box of endometrin I just opened, not one of the tablets has been whole.  Each one has been broken so far.  Maybe an omen?  No damage to the outer box, inner box or packaging covering each tablet.  Go figure.

Another bit of bad...If J isn't getting deployed he will most likely be pushed out of the Army when his contract is up next year.  Not fair, but what can we do about it?  I'll find out more in the days to come.

10 DPO, CD19

Not much to report.  The pelvic pain is no longer in the ovaries as of last night.  Now the pain is localized to my uterus.  Its sore, firm and really uncomfortable to bend over and even lean forward while sitting here typing.  I'm still not taking pain killers with the exception of a single 500mg acetaminophen yesterday.

I have intermittent headaches in my right temple, thus the reason why I took the acetaminophen.

Breasts are still normal.

Still getting nausea, thank you endometrin.  Now we'll add constipation to that too.  Joy!

I'm forever tired.  I'm not sure that is a symptom of anything but dealing with getting up several times in the night to deal with the endometrin slime.  The slime is worse this cycle than any other I swear.

Not testing for at least another day.  I have 6 tests left over from the IVF and that means I can test every day until AF shows up.

Oh because I need to have a procedure done on the 4th I'll have a pregnancy test done on the 3rd at my hospital.  Most likely they'll put in a urine test as they don't care how much pregnant I am only that I am or not.  Its just an endoscopy that is being done.  If it comes back positive I won't be having the procedure of course.

J's date of departure keeps getting moved.  Rumor is that he might not deploy now.  I don't believe that for one stinking minute as his mates have already left and are waiting for his behind to show up and get to work.

I'm waiting on all fronts now.  Just sitting here and waiting.  There isn't a thing I can do to change any outcome at this point and time.  So here I sit and wait with crutches ready for the next week.

9 DPO CD 18

9 DPO and I've no symptoms that I can detect.  I only feel cyst pain, nausea from the cyst pain, and headaches from using the Endometrin.

Not even a tender breast, which is odd since I always get tender breasts when I use progesterone.

No anything except for the above described.

Still waiting.  Still not testing.  This phase of my cycle is always longer than 14 days.  This part usually goes about 16 days.  For me the two week wait seems to last forever since its longer than two weeks because I always ovulate early in my cycle.

Tossed Away

Soldiers are being tossed away like a Kleenex; used for a few good blows and forgotten never to be the same.

I say the above because our military men and women who have fought so valiantly for our freedom are being used for their man power to blow away, blow up,  and blow through conflicts.  After the blowing is done they are traumatized, many of them at least feel the after shocks of what they were ordered to do.

I'm angry.  When a service member is sent off to war they come back with more than just physical scars.  They come back changed mentally.   This is hitting close to home for me now.  Too close.  When they try to get help they are shunned, told they are just trying to get out of doing what they signed up to do in the first place, which is deploy.  Okay so yes they did sign up as their primary MOS (military occupational specialty) to tote a rifle about and kill as necessary but they do have other jobs that they trained for and are good at.

The military medical system needs a complete overhaul.  When a service member goes into counseling they are told that they will not be ratted out unless they are considered a danger to themselves or someone else.   They are not supposed to be ratted out for saying stupid things like they hate a co-worker.  However, it does happen as of this month because of the killings in Afghanistan.  Before you know it the service member is being told that their career is over and they'll be discharged.  Why?  Well I'll tell you why!  Because the system doesn't work.  Instead of giving the individual the confidence and trust in their therapist they live in fear that if they say the wrong thing they get ratted out.  So they go in angry, balled up fist and knotted up stomachs afraid to utter one word that could be used against them.  The therapist clues in on the body language and makes note of it to report later that the individual is hostile.  No they don't report that it could be related to combat stress or PTSD because if they did it would mean money.  And no they don't report that the body language could be due in part from the fear of being what they saying being misconstrued and reported.

Yes it all comes down to the almighty fricken dollar folks.  The military does not want to pay out to help the service member that is broken, even though they became broken while in the service.    Just this year a higher ranking soldier was asked to step down from this installation, on which I live, because he decided that those with the diagnosis of PTSD didn't deserve it so he took away the diagnosis.  WHY?  Well he was saving the government money in the present and future.  A diagnosis of PTSD means that the government will have to continue treatment for that individual for the rest of their life.  If the diagnosis is taking away the person can be forced to deploy.

Now I wonder, did that happen to the guy that went on the "rampage" in Afghanistan?  He was from this installation.  Could it have been prevented?  Probably.  So yes, I'm really angry. 

Perhaps if our service men and women felt more comfortable and able to trust the therapists here on our installation they might just open up.  Here they think of only one thing:  WHEN CAN WE DEPLOY THEM AGAIN?!  That was until the 16 were killed in Afghanistan.  Now its becoming a rat fest.  The therapists are ratting out their patients for anything and everything ending careers for no good reason other than the usual facetious remark about a co-worker because the soldier was in a bad mood.  When you in the civilian sector have those days are you really going to go off your co-worker?   I doubt it.  But here on the military installation, well its just nuts now.  They are getting way over protective which doesn't help with the situation either.  Now they are just inundating  the mental health providers with  low risk/no risk cases.

I guess this is just another way to meet the quota that Obama has set for less troops.  Get rid of the fatties then get rid of any one that chooses to make an off hand remark that can be misconstrued but all means Obama keep the psycho!  See I can be facetious too.  Great now someone is going to lock me up for speaking my mind right?

I'm So Full Of It

This morning a migraine woke me up.  So I thought the photo to the left would be appropriate.

While taking a nice warm shower this morning and acetaminophen, hoping that the migraine would leave me, I came up with a blog post idea.  I thought I'd tell you all a bit more about myself.

I really am full of it.  No, not shit though there are days that I get constipated that one would think so.  But I am full of knowledge.  I just can't access it like I want to due to the fact that I have fibromyalgia.

J will be leaving soon and I need to find one project in particular that will occupy most of my lonely time.  When J left for basic training through the time he was on an isolation tour to Korea for a year, so that would be 1.75 years all told, I had my online shop to keep me busy.  When J was deployed to Iraq I took a class.  This time I'm not so sure what I'm going to do to keep myself busy.  I've been given quite a few suggestions and I have a few ideas of my own but some of the projects will eventually bore me.

Now as for what I did during the last deployment to keep me busy.  I took a year long theology class and became a certified deacon.  That's right folks I could perform marriages, baptisms, and death rites oh and probably start my own church but that is way too time consuming.

I could probably, if I had the gumption take the chemistry class that I neglected to take in college the first time around.  I do have a B.S. in English which sounds odd because most folks get a B.A. in English.  Why the B.S.?  Well its because I took the following classes: Medical Microbiology, Microbiology, Anatomy and Physiology, Immunology, Immuno-heomotology, Geology, Ecology and the required freshman year two semesters of biology.  So yes that is why I earned the S of the B.S.  Now I know enough to annoy most of my doctors and they have asked me on more than one occasion where I had my medical training.  Its not really medical training but more like life experiences of being clumsy that have earned my knowledge as I do have memory recall issues due to the fibro fog.  Or perhaps my doctors are implying that I don't know Jack and are quite tired of me telling them that I know my body better than they do, case in point, yesterday when they didn't think I needed to come in and that if I just took two Tylenol and called them in the morning I'd be better.

This deployment I'm thinking of more short term classes than anything more demanding.  I'm thinking that I'd like to take a class in glass blowing.  I might take a class in pearl stringing as I do have two strands of pearls that are broken and the equipment to fix them but no real knowledge of how to do it all properly without make a huge mess.

If you have any suggestions on what might occupy my time let me know.  I'm not one to spend all day on the computer wasting my life on video games while I wait for my spouse to get home.  No, I'm one of those gals that has to keep busy so that the lonely hours don't creep up over me and strangle me when I'm not looking.

Wanda Loves Me

I had an emergency date with Wanda this morning.  I'm in pain.  I kind of knew this was going to happen to me while on Clomid as it happened last time.

This morning I had two transvaginal ultrasounds and one abdominal scan.  My ovaries have good blood flow so I don't need surgery.

My left ovary itself is measuring 5 cm not including the cysts.  I have now have two cysts on my right ovary and four on the left.  One of the cysts on the left ovary looks to have ruptured late last night by the dimensions on it.  Another cyst, and this is the good part, looks to be having activity in it to support a pregnancy here soon!  YAY!

So Dr. B. was quite pleased that I didn't listen to the nurse and decided to push to come in.  They had some good news for me with the follicle that has decided to produce the precursor to the corpus luteal cyst known as the corpus luteum cyst.  Dr.B. said he is going to keep his fingers crossed that this one worked and is also glad that he has me on the progesterone.

In about a week I can take a home pregnancy test to see if it worked. 

Today I'm 6 Days Past Ovulation.  Its too early yet for the implantation pain so that is just one reason why I begged to go to the office today.

Maybe tomorrow or the next day I'll get the implantation signs.  For now I feel nothing different, not even sore breasts, which has me a bit worried since I should be feeling that because I'm on the medicine Endometrin.

I'll just have to wait and see.  Meanwhile I've been prescribed more Endometrin, and some Percocet (I don't want to use it).

Fort Nisqually

This whole weekend the weather is going to be craptastic.  I want out of the house even more so and WA weather isn't  cooperating.

During a brief interlude of sunshine J and I decide to go for a drive.  He wants to go check out the new gun selection at the BX across the way so he does and I stay in the car.  I'm not going to do any extra walking right now if I can help it.

Before we decided to leave the house we had decided to check out Dupont which for us is across the interstate and down two exits.    That was our next stop after the BX. 

We arrived in Dupont only to find out that the Dupont Historical Museum was closed for the day and would reopen on the following day.  Okay so that is life.  For some reason its closed on all Saturdays.

So I suggest a drive to Tacoma to the Point Defiance Park where we can drive around and see things.  Guess what we found?  We found the Nisqually fort.  Not the original one which was no more but originally located in Dupont.  The newer version, from the 1850's was open.  Yay!

Oh and it was living history day, even better!

We buy two passes to the fort and amble about.  I of course, thanks Endometrin, have to hit the restroom.  Thankfully they have modern facilities.

Me on crutches looking at some of the written exhibits about life back then.  Its not that I'm not impressed, I am, but its not that old to me.  My grandmother's house was built before these dwellings.  I've been to Trier, Germany and walked about a building built in 3 B.C. E.  This stuff is still nice to look at and imagine how things were back then but not all that impressive.

Maybe its just because I found out less than 24 hours before, yes the doctor called me back on Friday, that my foot is worse than we thought.  Not only do I have a strain, which is torn tendon and muscles, I also have MULTIPLE Degenerative Osteoarthritis.  I was told by the nurse, whom I called back after their message, to stay off my foot this weekend, rest, ice, compression and elevated it.  So here I am walking about the exhibits for 4 hours.  I'm stubborn when it means I have to rest.

The kitchen of Doctor Tolmie's family at the fort looks pretty awesome.  I grew up with a wood stove used to heat our house.  I think I'd love this particular model since it has an area to roast coffee beans, a seperate tank to heat water, a large oven to bake food but there is one draw back, the kindling has to be rather small to fit into its burner.  Oh well I'd still like to have the chance to cook with it.

I inwardly chuckled when they had the butter making going on.  Butter making isn't a novelty to me, I've done it before by hand and with my Kitchen Aid stand mixer its a cinch.

The small coffee mill was almost identical to the one I used to grind beans with as a kid.  My brother and I would fight over the task of doing it since it was so fun.

But all in all the fort living history was rather interesting.  If you are the type of person like me that grew up doing a lot of the tasks that they HAD TO DO back then you'll find it quite enlightening.  I know well what its like to wash clothing in a tub using a scrub board.  I've lost skin on my thumbs doing that task.  I make candles, soap, butter, lip balms, weave, knit, sew, oh heck I'm a Donna Reed.

My next attempt at culinary skills will be making my own crackers and cheese.  No seriously I want to learn to make my own crackers and my own cheese from scratch.  Just another feather in my cap.

J loved the blacksmith exhibit and he learned quite a bit from the two men running the place.  I was watching the fellow in the photo above smith a clip for his leather apron.

Really this is a good place to take your family for a weekend of fun since the Zoo is also located within the same park area.  Don't let my lack of fun attitude make you think otherwise, I'm used to places like Fort Ticonderoga which is older.

Stupid Foot

I now am the proud owner of a pair of crutches.  Yup the foot hurt that bad that I made a doctor appointment.  Sighs, there goes my four day weekend.

I have a medial right foot strain.  I might have something broken as well since they badly wanted xrays.  Because I'm not yet pregnant, I ovulated on Wednesday, I agreed to the xrays.

Its a DONSA here on post and that means that even though I had xrays done my PCM won't get a look at them until Tuesday.  Oh Joy! 

J is handling this quite well and is determined to only be half a yell away from me.  Its unusual that he is willing to wait on me hand and foot but I'll take it because right now hobbling about to get a glass of water is not fun.  I haven't been on crutches since 7th grade.  I've been in a walking cast twice but it didn't call for crutches.

No I didn't get much sleep last night, not so much the insomnia being the reason but the pain from the weight of the covers on the bed.  I was whining quite a bit about how much it hurt.  No, still haven't taken pain medicine.  They wanted to give me NSAIDS but I have a bad stomach so its just acetaminophen for me. 

I started my progesterone this morning.  So I'll be the gimp with the leaky cootchie, you know the endometrin slime.  I just can't believe how much I had to fight with my RE about it.  First clue, big duh, my periods are short so I'm always low on progesterone how about doing some blood work dumb *ss.  Of course they won't.  So that is why I had to argue with them to get put on it.

Maybe if I feel more up to hobbling about today I'll go shopping.  I need to refill the fridge, condiments while nice to have aren't real food in my book.

2nd Blanket for Charity

Finally its finished.  Now I just need to find something to do my hands.  Oh I have plenty of projects that I never completed so perhaps I'll spend my time doing those.  I like to stay busy especially when J is deployed.

The blanket is 45x 87 inches making it a twin size.  I have it laid out over my queen sized bed for a reference point.  The main part of the blanket is knitted with a ruffled crochet edge.  I like and I hope that who ever it is given to will like it too.

I contacted the head of our FRGs on post here and hopefully she'll be able to give it a good home.  The first blanket I made went to a wounded warrior.  Hopefully this one will find a home with one too.

As you can see the color is repeating.  I have green, variegated, and red at one end as well as at the other.  The only two colors that aren't repeating are the tan and white.  The green yarn is also the ruffled edge.

Marriage counseling went well today.  We had a bit of a break thru which is always nice.  I like improving our communication skills.  I'm not a mind reader no matter how hard I try and when a woman asks a man, "what's wrong?" they aren't likely to dish like a woman would.  We have to find ways to get the information.  Maybe women would make better intelligence agents as we are the manipulators, we have to be to find out what they don't want to say.

On the homefront, I injured myself today.  I had another clutzy moment while J was out of the house.  I rolled my right foot, not injuring the ankle of which I've done plenty of times but instead injuring the side of the foot.  I put an Ace sleeve on it and will stay off it for the remainder of the day.  Well okay I'll try to stay off my foot.  I tend to be a bit hyper active and sitting still for more than 15 minutes is rather difficult for me.

Hopefully I won't accidentally kill myself before the two week wait is over.  I'm always so clutzy during the two week wait.

Where Did That Come From?

Thank you spring ahead.  Yes, I'm being sarcastic.  Every time we move the clocks ahead, each and every year, I get insomnia. 

I finally got to sleep at 0630 hrs only to be woken up by my husband when he came home from PT at 0800hrs.  He wanted to check up on me.  Oh and he forgot to collect his boots for uniform change.

Sighs...Okay some time today I'll get some real sleep.  2 hours is not enough.  I slept for about 30 minutes when he finally left; falling asleep is no easy fete for me.

Last night I asked and I received.  Maybe I'll learn to keep my mouth shut.  I told J that I would be doing laundry in the morning and that if he has been hiding dirty laundry somewhere I'd like it brought forward.  People he had a full laundry bag of stuff.  I've been wondering why the laundry has been so lean this past weekend and now I know.  Ugh!

Funny how when he is home I dread having to do so many loads of laundry but when he is gone I miss washing his clothes.  When he leaves, about mid way through his tour I'll go through his closet and drawers to wash his things so they don't get stale smelling.

Forgive me for this post,  I'm just so darn tired from the insomnia.  Two bouts of it in a week is enough to wear anyone out.

Trigger Shot Day

I'm a pro at shots now.  This morning I gave myself the trigger shot injection.  Didn't even flinch.  I guess that is what happens after two rounds of IVF; self injections don't bother me now.

I awoke to snow on the ground.  While the rest of the US is enjoying unseasonably warm temperatures I'm stuck with the Artic cold.  Don't get me wrong I love snow and miss the snowfalls on the East Coast but really I'm ready to start putting out my seedlings.  My seedlings are now screaming for more room!

Oh that was fun.  While I was writing this blog post we had a black out that lasted 30 minutes.  At least blogger saved my post.

Yesterday while at the RE's office we forgot to ask about the progesterone support.  I had asked J to remind me but the poor dear was so tired he kept falling asleep at the appointment.  Or perhaps he is now bored by my ovaries as much as I am?

Well to rectify the matter I called about an hour after I got home; when I finally remembered.  The RE's IVF nurse N, yes the one who has an attitude, called me back in the late afternoon.  Not bad it only took 6 hours to get a response.  I've had them take 24 hours or more to call me back.  She said that after speaking with Dr. C., what happened to Dr. N?, that I can start the endometrin on  Friday.  Yay!  I guess they are finally taking me a bit more seriously or perhaps they are so sick of me they just want to shut me up.

Oh and no they didn't do any blood draw yesterday.  No E2 levels to report.  My RE only does that if its your first cycle on clomid or you are doing IVF.  I have no clue how my egg quality is this cycle.

If anyone has any questions that I should be asking my RE let me know.  I'm always willing to bother them even if they don't want to answer me.

The Army doctors are over worked but still they should try to give better quality care.  I'm thinking of that guy that went on a shooting spree.  It could have been avoided if they had just listened to him when he did try to get help.  Many of you know where I am stationed and now know from the news reports where the guy was deployed from too.  We just don't have the facilities and staff to deal with the problems arising from the deployments.  We are over crowded here and yet they keep sending us more brigades as they close down other bases due to budget cuts.  They don't increase the medical staff to compensate for the excess troops.  Its just tragic.

Ultrasound Monday

Well so far so good, no pain as of yet from the ultrasound.  I'm amazed usually I'm in quite a bit of pain after Dr. B or Dr. C. get done with wanda.  Maybe its because Dr. N, a new doctor and female, was the one doing my ultrasound.  I think I rather like Dr. N.  I like gentle.

Okay now for the follicle count.  Right size is sluggish as per usual.  Last IVF I had only 3 from that ovary.  Now that I'm on clomid I'm responding quite well says Dr. N.

Right: 1 and its 14mm
Left: 3 and they are 19, 16, 15

Not too bad.  I have four follicles to work with.  We were told to do timed intercourse from tonight onward and tomorrow I'll do my trigger shot around 0800hrs.  We know quite well that I am capable of giving myself injections by now!

Dr. N. is waiting until tomorrow for the shot since my uterine lining is 7 right now and I still have three follicles that could use an extra day to grow.  As for the 19 mm one, that is why we are having timed intercourse starting tonight, just in case that one tries to release on its own.

Remember I have gotten pregnant on my own without clomid and IVF meds or trigger shots.  It was the cycle directly after the first IVF.  I did miscarry but its still nice to know at my age that anything is possible.

I'm keeping some hope that maybe of the four available one will want to fertilize.  Thursday will start my two week wait.

What A Mess

There are days like today I really don't want to pay attention to the news.  However, because of my home page I saw that there was another killing by a US serviceman of civilians.  I'm disturbed.  I should be too.  This is only going to mean the killings will escalate.  I wonder if it will ever end.

Violence is scary.  Violence does breed more violence.  It terrorizes those that will deploy and those that have deployed that will come home.  Nightmares of the "what could happen" and "what did happen" will haunt our servicemen and women.

Rage and terror.  A few can't handle leaving or coming home.  A few won't make it there or back.  Suicides and domestic violence escalate before and after deployments.  Violence wins.

I'm one of the lucky ones.  I'm lucky because if J and I have a marriage issue we sit down and discuss it.  We continue to keep our marriage strong by using marriage counseling which is offered free of charge to service members through our insurance.  I just wish more servicemen and women were willing to take advantage of these services offered.  Maybe a few more innocent people wouldn't get hurt.  No there aren't enough counselors and appointments are hard to get but if its urgent you can get in to see a chaplain the same day before something you'll regret might happen.

Our service men and women are tired of fighting wars that can't be won.  Wars that seem to have no end.  Then they go home to find that the war is still raging on in their minds and now they are supposed to transition to a family life.  Every service member is supposed to have a physical and mental evaluation before leaving to be with their families.  It amounts to a survey.  Those surveys get stacked and only a few are seen and read clearly.  Surveys go unnoticed for months and sometimes years leaving the ticking time bombs to wreak  havoc on the community.

Fear.  I wonder if perhaps one of the reasons why our servicemen and women aren't getting the help that they might need is because of fear.  There is a stigma that is placed on those that seek out help.  They are often called weak.  There are bullies in the military just as much as there are on the playground.  Rank does not discriminate when it comes to bullies.  Sometimes a soldier will ask for help and not get it at all because someone else determines it wouldn't be cost effective to give them help or it might look like a blight upon their unit percentages.  For whatever the reason the serviceman or woman doesn't get the proper care that they need to handle their situation.

It could very well also be that the serviceman or woman is afraid that they will get discharged from the service.  A dishonorable discharge does not make it easy for a person to get a job in the civilian sector.  But tell me what is worse, going out on a killing spree and ending up either in jail or dead or getting the help that you need?

Don't get me wrong folks.  I love our military.  I love the freedoms that they have fought so hard to get us.  But I don't like how our military is treated when they get back home or are in theatre.  They shouldn't be bullied into not getting mental help if they feel like they need it.  They shouldn't be told that they can't make appointments because they have to work a particular shift.  If they need help and ask for it they should be listened to!

Sorry I'm ranting.  I'm upset.  Its just a big mess right now and I'm afraid of the aftermath from a few incidents.  I'm tired of hearing of more injured or dead.

Emotional Mess

Well I can't sleep.  Oh I tried last night to fall asleep.  I took my nice warm bath, read my book while soaking and took my melatonin.  Nothing!  Can't sleep.

I guess too much is going on right now in my life.  J came home cranky from work.   He was slamming doors on the SUV and banging stuff about in the garage.  We discussed why he was angry and he said he didn't seem like he was angry.  Okay.  Yup the pre-deployment monster is back.  J is still in there some place.

So things are a bit rough for us right now as a couple and as individuals.  Together we are dealing with the fact that he still doesn't know exactly when he is deploying just that it is soon.  He could leave next week with just four day's warning or less.  I've known soldiers that had to leave with just 24 hours notice.  Or quite possibly J might yet still be here  for another month.  Both of us are so sick of the unknown.  For me its the not knowing if this will be my last night holding him while we sleep.  Yes, I've taken to holding him while I try to sleep like a mother does a child.  He is my security blanket of sorts.  J is angry.  J is hostile.  J is in warrior mode.  No need to fear for me, he wouldn't dare hurt me.

I'm a bit of a mess with the hormones going through me right now.  Monday is my ultrasound to see just how many follicles I have and when we'll be doing the trigger shot.  Clomid is the devil.  But it does help me produce a lot of follicles.

Tonight I cried while watching Family Guy.  Since I couldn't sleep at 0200hrs and J was cranky we decided to watch a bit of Adult Swim.  Family Guy has never made me cry before.  I realize that it is a really off color show that should be taken with a grain teaspoon of salt at times, but tonight I found it quite offensive.  Oh sure some of it was a riot until this scene of which I'm about to share with you all:

It starts off with a teenage girl dropping a bag in the dumpster.  Inside is her newborn baby.  Insensitive and infuriating are the first two words that come to mind.  Yes teen pregnancy is a problem in this country and will continue to be as long as we have some dufus trying to ban contraceptives, abortions, and funding for women's health.  I cried, I tried to hold it back but the tears rolled down my cheeks.  I'm sure there are plenty out there that got a snort of laughter out of this skit but I was not one of them.

Oh I've probably made a few of my readers angry but hey, its my blog and its my place to vent.  Tonight, or rather this morning I need to vent my bile a bit.

Women should have the right to govern their own reproductive rights.  No church or state laws should dictate to me or any other female when it comes to our sexual preference, reproduction, or health of our bodies.

Clomid Crankies

It never fails.  Every time I take clomid the symptoms are the same.  First the nausea hits me right after dinner.  Next is the headache.  Following shortly after a very short temper.

Last night when it started to hit again I asked my husband to sit down and just listen to me for a few minutes.  I knew I had to explain to him, its been almost a year since we last used clomid, what I'm experiencing.  Its in no way his fault.  I willingly took the medications each morning.  I know what I'm doing when I am on them but it doesn't mean I have to like the person it makes me change into.  I really swear that there are two of me right now.  There is the nice gentle me and the raging b*tch me that seems to take over in the evenings.  The nice me gets pushed to the back and bullied to stay silent while the mean me just vomits horribly abusive words.

Maybe I should be tranquilized for the duration of this cycle?

The only good thing coming out of this so far is the pain I'm feeling in both ovaries.  Oh yes I'm hopeful that I'm producing several follicles.  If I produce two on my own without drugs then I can hope for four, right?

Vacation Aftermath

I feel a bit like the Peter Iredale right about now.  I've been trying to get my bank statement and checking account to balance.  Normally this isn't such a stressful task however, this vacation proved to be the one that broke my proverbial last straw.

Not one but two discrepancies in the account.  I keep all the receipts.  First one was finally resolved.  We had been charged for our meal and an additional amount nearly double what our meal was, indicating that another table got their meal for free. 

Second discrepancy was found this morning.  Gas fill ups take a while to clear the account and finally this morning they all showed up.  Again I keep my receipts.  I found an error of $8.00.  I'm not happy.  I called up the gas station on our military installation where the purchase was made.  The manager gave me a number to call and complain as it seems that this happens quite often.  She said to be patient as the number is quite busy and indeed it is.  Meanwhile I called my bank and filed a dispute for the amount. 

J is back to his cranky self.  It didn't take long.  He started to get cranky the last morning and it took all my energy to come up with things to do to take his mind off his impending deployment and tooth extractions.  It didn't work of course, the grouch returned.  This morning his face is still swollen on just one side so he is headed back to the dentist to find out why.  He has to head over for some details on his deployment today too.  I realize that he is supposed to be grouchy but I don't have to like it.  Soldiers are always grouchy before they deploy.  Its really a wall of protection that they put up in place to prevent them from getting too emotional about their families.  We don't like the wall and they don't like it but it has to be there.  If he is continuously thinking about how bad things are for me here at home he can't concentrate on his job while deployed.  So for now I'm just going to have to suck it up and realize that he has to be a bit of a jerk right now, he doesn't like it either.

Less than 1 % of the population of the United States will voluntarily serve in the US Military.  Of those that serve the majority are in their early 20's and unmarried.  There is a good reason for that, most of them can't afford to have a family.  It was still the policy back when my dad served to not let a soldier of a rank lower than E-5 to marry without the permission of his commander and there had to be a darn good reason why he had to get married.  Most soldiers serving today are E-4 and below and really and truly there is no way they can afford to get married and start their families on what is dished out for pay.  But some do it and I applaud their efforts to keep their families together.

So I'm ever more thoughtful and concerned about the status of my family today.  I'm thinking that perhaps going on clomid for our last cycle wasn't such a good idea.  I realize that clomid brings with a lot of emotional changes and with J not being in the best of moods of late this might cause a bit more shouting matches with less rational thinking.  Don't worry it never gets beyond name calling.

I'm still hoping that we can squeeze in one more mini holiday before he leaves.  He wanted to see the northwestern most corner of the continental US before he leaves.  We have listed a three day on the calendar due to a DONSA but J already stated he wouldn't be getting the day off.  I mentioned that we could still escape over night, just one night away.  He needs the escape from his stress right now.  He had a massage on Tuesday and he was so tight from all the stress.  Maybe I could just book him another massage?

CD 3 and 3rd day of photos

What's for dinner?  Well it surely isn't this stuff.  Tonight I'm making Shepard's Pie since J is still on a soft food diet.  Photo taken inside the museum on Fort Stevens.  We decided to go back to Fort Stevens the last day to look around since when we arrived in Astoria area the museum was getting ready to close.

Can you even imagine eating this stuff for your meal?  MRE aren't all that tasty and I can only think that this stuff from WW II must have been horrible to choke down.

I just thought that the GI Joe dolls action figures dressed up were kind of cool.  One museum guide said that in a particular display all the items were from Japan and made there too.  I made a comment that she didn't understand.  I said, "I bet the dolls were made in China.". 

Rather obvious that this was the Guard House located on Fort Steven's  state park.





Okay now for today's fertility update.  First day of the clomid.  My RE had agreed to 1/2 tablet a day to prevent cysts but the directions say 1 tablet a day for the five days I take it.  Fun times ahead with cysts, though I really hope not. 
As for the supplements I'm taking, its the usual prenatals, vitamin E, calcium, magnesium, D3, fish oil and now to add to the mix Melatonin.  I saw it on another blogger's page and I figured what the heck I could use a better night's sleep with this fibromyalgia.  Even though I'm not doing IVF this cycle I figured it couldn't hurt to try to up my egg quality since they are pretty much shit now due to the endometriosis and my age.

That's all until tomorrow.  Oh and to make the shepard's pie extra pretty I'm using purple potatoes.

Wishing I Were Still On Vacation

Cape Disappointment was a bit of that and more.  The weather on Saturday was gloomy, foggy, and cold.  By this day I was hurting more than words could say and wishing I had taken some Vicodin, which I had left in my room.

J signed us in to the US Coast Guard station and asked if we could go up to the lighthouse and take pictures.  Because I'm handicapped and J is military a very nice Coast Guard guy decided to give us a tour.  The E-3 punched in his codes and opened up the gate to let us drive through escorted.  I think I would have better appreciated the view had there been more than fog.

Cape Disappointment Lighthouse, built in 1856, is one of the oldest structures in the Northwest and is located 4 miles southwest of Ilwaco, WA.

Me on my scootie-puff Junior (reference to Futurama). J had determined that my cane was not going to be enough for the Fort Clatsop Visitor Center.  I had to agree.  I didn't even know that they had these scooters nor did I think they would do the trails.  I've never used one before but it was quite a bit of fun.

Fort Clatsop, located closer to Warrenton than Astoria, was the  winter camp for the Corps of Discovery from December 1805 to March 1806.  Think Lewis and Clark.

This is a replica of the winter camp, rebuilt in 2005 due to a fire.  Oh and yes, the scootie-puff did make it through the trails and the boardwalks nicely.  I was quite pleased and almost put it on rabbit to make J run but I couldn't be that mean.


By noon most of the fog had cleared and the day finally warmed up.  Yay!

"Here at Camp Rilea Mom they are making me do pull-ups.  Please send money for hand chalk.  Love, your son."  Okay so he did the chin-ups/pull-ups just to show off.  I can't do them but it is nice to look at a pleasing figure of a male specimen do them just to show off.

We used our military identification cards to gain access to Camp Rilea.  They were doing live fire exercises so I felt right at home with all the gun noise.  J has actually been wanting to check this place out for a while ever since a job directive had him looking at the post data.

Nothing to see or much to do here except watch out for duck and deer feces.  No that isn't green bean baby food on the ground dear.

The North Coast Craft Beer Trail.  Wait what?  I thought that was Cannon Beach, OR's Haystack.  Well okay it is but we didn't go here for that though the scenery was really pretty.

Before J deploys I picked out a little vacation surprise for him.  I told him I'd take him on a trail.  Then when we got into Oregon I explained its the craft beer trail and that made him happy.  We started at the Wet Dog and ended up at the Lumberyard.  Inbetween was the purchase of salt water taffy, more beer and fudge.  Oh and a few postcards too.

Before we ended Saturday night at the Lumberyard we stopped in at the hardware store for some screw and brew.  Yes you can buy a beer and a screw here or lock or bug swatter.

J decided that of all the places and brews he tried, I didn't drink anything stronger than water, he preferred the strawberry blonde beer at the Wet Dog.  It actually has strawberries, quite a few pints of strawberries, brewed into the mixed.  No seed, no mess just good taste.

Oh if I sound a bit cranky I am.  One of the places we ate lunch at decided to take out not only what we signed for but I'm guessing someone else's bill for food too.  I caught the error on line at my bank and called them today.  I'm not happy about that.  Avoid Dundee's Pub and Grill in Seaside, OR since they made the mistake and if they don't correct it I'm going to write them one heck of a nasty letter since the extra I was charged was more than double my own bill.  The food wasn't all that good either.  So far I have to say that the best tasting clam chowder I've ever had was at the Timberhouse on the Olympic Loop in Northern Washington.

CD 1 Again and Again and Again

Photo by me of J and I out at the wreck the Peter Iredale at Fort Steven's State Park in Hammond, Oregon.  The wind was quite fierce on Friday with the rain turning the kicked up sand to mud.  When we got back to our vehicle one side was covered with mud.

On 25 October 1906, the British sailing vessel the Peter Iredale landed on a sandbar off the coast of Clatsop Beach where it stuck and is still today.  No known deaths.

Photo by J of me at the wreck site.  I was doing a rather obnoxious pose with my tongue sticking out acting all well, I guess wonky.


This was perhaps the only day I didn't have to use my cane on the trip.  Because of this our first day of a mini holiday I wore myself out.  I climbed, walked and played.  I paid for it the following days but really it was worth it to just have fun for one day.

I climbed up to the second landing in this the Astoria Column located in Astoria, Oregon.  J made it all the way to the top but even with taking my rescue inhaler I just couldn't muster up enough oxygen to make it there with him. 

The Column stands 125 feet high and has 164 steps half of which I climbed. It was dedicated on 22 July 1926 and its original cost was $27,133.96.  However the cost to restore the column alone in 1995 was one million, the staircase another six hundred thousand and that was done in 2008.  Crazy how much stuff costs these days.

We stopped for lunch at the Wet Dog Cafe and Brewery in Astoria, Oregon.  We both had burgers with sides of fries.  I just couldn't finish the burger, eating only half of it and giving the other half to J.  Oh it was quite tasty but my stomach is really acting up lately. 

Okay so today is the beginning of hopefully a long cycle for me.  I'd like this cycle to last approximately 40 weeks give or take a couple of weeks.  You ladies know what I mean.

J had the last two of his wisdom teeth pulled at 0720 hrs today so I'll get my HCG blood test tomorrow and pick up my clomid at the pharmacy while I'm at it.  This is our very last chance with my DNA.  I'm not worried, I can always do donor eggs.  I know its still a pipe dream but hey I know for a fact all of us infertile bloggers keep trying against the odds.

By the way the test results for the Celiac came back as unequivocal unpronounced.  I only have a sensitivity to the gluten which is a good thing but still sucks.  Still my stomach has been hurting more and more with anything I put in it.  I'll have to keep that appointment with the gastroenterologist for later this month.  

This coming Monday I have an ultrasound to see if I'm ovulating.  I hope I will be, fingers crossed.  I'll post more photos and information tomorrow.  Now its time to go baby my hubby as I'm sure after having two teeth pulled he needs some loving care.

Not This Time

I think somehow the endometriosis claimed another chance at pregnancy.  I'm not sure what went wrong but I woke up with awful cramps this A.M..  No spotting but then again I think that is do to the progesterone supplement I'm taking.  Again a BFN and its 13 DPO.  Its over.  I'm stopping the endometrin tonight.  I'm going to let AF win this round and start over with a smile on the clomid for one last ditch effort before J leaves.  End of story.

J finally was able to get a 3 day pass.  Yay!  So late last night I was booking a motel for us.  Now I just have to finish the packing and remember to pack plenty of feminine protection.  You know, just in case AF decides to show up this weekend.  If I hadn't of taken the endometrin, with the spotting I was already getting, she would have probably shown up tomorrow.  So I'm thinking that perhaps Sunday she'll be here.

I shall not look a gift horse in the mouth.  I managed to lose 1.2 pounds overnight.  That seems to correspond with the impending next cycle as if I look back at my last cycle with the doomed IVF I'll see that right around today in the cycle I too lost the weight which I thought was rather odd.  Oh I'm sure it will just find its way back to my body over the weekend.  Maybe I should pack my pedometer and see if I can  some way keep the fat at bay. 

We are headed out tomorrow after finishing up a few details here and there like buying some snack food for the trip.  The one main problem with sleeping away from home is that if you get hungry in the middle of the night there is no midnight raid of the fridge unless you remember to bring the goods.  All I need is a can of low salt nuts and some healthy cardboard like food and I'll be good.

I'll post photos after I take them like I did last time.  Hopefully my camera batteries won't die off as early as they did last time.

Oh and yes, I was finally given the approximate date.  I'll let everyone know well after the fact when he has gone as my blog will be mutating in that particular direction.  I have to say that I think I'm more scared of this deployment than the last two.  I don't know how he does it.  I am proud of him.

Off to Oregon for the weekend.