Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Keeping Secrets

Inside this house many secrets are kept.  For now I'll share two with you.

Yesterday we finished the decorating the tree and I thought it would be nice to post an updated photo of the exterior with our tree in the window.

The first secret I'll share with all of you is that my tree is a bit of an illusion.  But you'll have to look at the next photo to see what I'm talking about.

 My tree is not full sized like it appears to be from outside.  No I don't have room for a huge tree.  I have my tree on an antique oak stand in my front living room window for all outside to see.  I think it makes for a pleasing view, don't you?

This is my tree with the lights on in the house but not lit on the tree.  I've made most of the decorations for the tree including the ribbon with all the bells on it and the tree skirt.  All hand sewn.

But this means its time to tell you the second secret I had promised to share.

Yesterday while decorating the tree I was unwrapping the special ornaments, not all did I make mind you.  As I was unwrapping a glass angel I started to choke up with tears.  I bought that ornament for my first pregnancy loss.  I decided it was too painful to put on the tree this year.

See the secret is that I did get pregnant this past cycle natually and I did lose it.  Two pregnancies lost in such a short period of time.  One via IVF the other naturally and both meant so much to us.  We did have hope.  But I knew that it was futile as the reason why I lost the babies the first time in 1996 was the fact that I didn't have enough progesterone in my system and going natural meant running that risk again.  Still it was nice to know we could create one of our own without help.  I guess I just need to have my hormone levels watched more closely for a dive in progesterone next time.

So last night I was angry.  I decided to put up just one gold angel to represent all the lost babies we've had.  J stood by me and he hung the angel.  I was so angry at myself I just wanted to destroy the tree but I didn't.  I held back the rage and just let the tears slip down my cheeks.

We are still going ahead with the IVF for January.  I'm on the pill.  I'm cranky with the bloat.  Weight loss is an uphill battle right now.  If I can maintain or lose a bit I'm good.

I've gotten my blood work back.  My numbers are as normal as can be for CD3, I'm on CD7 now. 
CD3 numbers:
E2 30
LH 8.59
FSH 7.54

Luteinizing Hormone (LH) Day 3 < 7 mIU/ml A normal LH level is similar to FSH. An LH that is higher than FSH is one indication of PCOS.

Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) Day 3 3-20 mIU/ml FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate. In PCOS testing, the LH:FSH ratio may be used in the diagnosis. The ratio is usually close to 1:1, but if the LH is higher, it is one possible indication of PCOS.

Estradiol (E2) Day 3 25-75 pg/ml Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve. 


  1. What a beautiful tribute to your children. I'm so sorry for your losses and hope that the new year brings good news and joy.

  2. Oh so sorry. I can't imagine how tough this is. You are so strong you amaze me.

    Sending hugs and love.

  3. Oh Rebecca! I'm so sorry... so painful and such an uphill battle, all around. Thanks for sharing your secrets with us -- you are strong and you WILL get through this!!!

  4. I'm sorry. That sucks :( Hope you're okay and are kind to yourself over Christmas.

  5. Sorry to hear of your recent loss. It's never easy. Your tree is beautiful - I'm glad you didn't destroy it!

  6. I love that your tree is an illusion to the outside world. :D Also, your numbers look great. Best wishes on your next IVF cycle.

  7. I love your tree and your idea to put it on a table! I'm so sorry for your losses this year but I have so much hope for you for your next cycle. *hugs*

  8. Sorry for your losses (*hugs*) There really are no other words.

    I think the tree is beautiful, and I'm glad you put it up and didn't tear it down. Sometimes it's hard to have it up and look at it, especially with the ornaments and memories. We have three on our tree, one for each of our losses, and every year we take them out and try to find special places for them. It's hard, but I find for me it helps. I hope that it does for you too.

    Keeping you in my thoughts.

  9. Oh honey, I am so sorry. I thought you did from the comment you wrote me, but I didn't know for sure and didn't know what to say. What a wonderful way to remember them.

    I think about you often and you are in my prayers. Big Hugz! I am here if you need me.


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