Wanting To Write

I've been wanting to write a blog post for some time.  But obviously I haven't until now.  Oh I have my reasons.  Primarily I'd say it is because I didn't want to dish.  But I need to vent, I need to stretch myself out to my readers who have been where I've been and where I'm going.

So here I'll go....

Having a baby is wonderful.  It has changed my marriage profoundly.  I have less: sex, sleep, food, free time, shower time, you name it time.  But I get more love from a never ending source of pure energy that will one day turn to despise me because I probably won't give her something that she has to have or she thinks she'll be ostracized from her peer group without the item.

Mainly my problem is my spouse.  The more pain I'm in the more pain he proclaims he is in.  Example: This week I've been limping about with my knee and hip issues due to the weather and he complains about sliding on the floor with socks.  He goes to sick call and has them look at this big toe.  They take an x-ray but don't think he broke it.  It isn't broke.  It barely has a violet undertone to the nail.  Barely a sprain they told him.  He needs the pity from me I guess.

My birthday was Monday.   J decided he couldn't get me a gift because he just couldn't figure out, after 12 years together, what I could possibly want, so he writes me a letter.  That very day he reneges on the promises in the letter and the next day too.  I spoke nicely in a calm and quiet manner to him about it.  He says you make me feel like Hitler.  I asked him how I made him feel like that?  He says that in an article he read recently that it is something that Hitler would have done.  I sigh at that point.  There is no point in continuing this conversation.  Oh and on my birthday I went to a place bought myself some potting soil, plants and plant hangers for the boxes I had on hand.  So far I have the planter boxes up but no plants in them.  I am working around the baby's schedule and the heat index too.

I have said to my husband that I feel as though that the more restriction my doctors place upon me that the more he resents me.  With this resentment I feel as though J decides to test me to see just how much more he can pile on me for work even though I do ask for his help.

Last night I was really tired and achey.  My hands were swollen and hurt.  No I still haven't had the carpal tunnel surgery.  Yes, the carpal tunnel in my right is severe but I said I would put it off until E is in school so that J has more time saved up.  Back to last night.  J made E fish sticks.  He cooked himself dinner and ate my take out left overs.  He didn't call me to the table.  I go into the kitchen.  I asked him if he was planning on inviting me to dinner to.  He said he didn't think of it.  So I went back to the living room.  I held my temper.  I went back into the kitchen and very nicely told him I didn't like this.  I said that, "remember how you felt at Christmas when your family didn't invite you to the table for dinner?  Remember how that made you feel when they ate without you?  Well that is how you've been making me feel each time for the past year.  When your Mom came here to help out with E when I had the surgery just after giving birth.  No one cooked for me.  I wasn't invited to the table.  You didn't make me a meal either.  When I had surgery in January again you didn't cook for me either."  He got my point.

So there I've dished.

Eily playing the bongos and playing with a drum can.