Wednesday, February 29, 2012

12 dpo, Nothing Yet

I'm still here waiting.  I'm going to be waiting for a long time too.  I'm waiting for lab results on the gluten, I'm waiting for the HPT to hopefully show two lines though I do have my doubts and I'm still waiting for the orders to come in which will separate me from my spouse for who the heck knows how long this time.

Last night the stress of everything got to be a bit too much and I started with chest pains.  Yeah, so not fun. I like to plan.  Right now I can't do a thing but sit there and wait staring out the window or finding something to numb my mind.  I can't make a grocery list of things to buy for J to pack up.  Things that I know he'll need like an all-in-one body wash because I don't know when he has to pack out and leave.  I don't even know if he'll be going to an area where they have real showers.  Our Exchange sells dry shampoo for a reason.

On the fertility front, its now cycle day 22 and I'm 12 days past ovulation.  Usually I would have shown a faint second line by now.   I normally run a 25-28 day cycle so I still have time to show one way or the other.  Oh and I'm damn well scared that I might actually be pregnant and have to go this alone considering we all know that I'll be on bed rest with my hypertension and with no one around that can be at my beck and call.  Well okay its not like J would have been at my beck and call but if something went wrong he would have only been four miles away not thousands of miles away like he will be now.

Can you believe that within a half hour of starting the endometrin I had cramping and really bad nausea?  I never had it that bad before.  I was shaking, cold and felt like I was going to hurl.  When I used it last IVF I must have transitioned from one hormone to the endometrin without much of a second glance because I really don't remember shaking, being cold or wanting to hug the toilet.  A bit of nausea last cycle but not like this.  Anyhow the endometrin slime has started again.  In a few days I'll know if I have to continue with this or if this natural cycle of two follicles on the left ovary failed me.  I realize that at my age my eggs are pretty much rotten, still its nice to know that I can ovulate on my own.

While J is deployed I'll be coming to grips with the fact that I will never have a biological child of my own if this cycle has failed.  We will be deciding on the egg donor route or none at all and just closing up shop.  I need time to grieve for the three recent miscarriages and the one I had years ago.  I just need time to re-evaluate where I'm going in life and see where I should go from here.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Military Spouses Support Each Other

First off I'll begin with what I was just told by the RE nurse N.  She said today, because while I was out yesterday she didn't get back to me again, that Dr. B. said, '" if I felt the need for the CD 21 test they could do it but that all it would prove is that I ovulated when its a 3 or better."'.  Enough said on that one, we know via ultrasound that I definitely did ovulate this cycle.  NO NEED for that test.

However, she did argue with me about the miscarriage of the twins I had in 1996 on the topic of not enough progesterone.  She said, "how could they even tell you didn't have enough?".  Its what Major D (my female RE doctor) told me.  Its in my records, the paper ones, of which have been stored away at another location far from this installation.

Now as for the endometrin, yes Dr. C. said I could take it as it wouldn't hurt anything but he still advises against it.  Am I going to take it?  You bet.  I just inserted one and ta-da I saw spotting of brown on the applicator.  That isn't good.  Its way too early for the spotting of the period to begin and its way too late for the implantation bleeding too.  Yeah um, something isn't quite right.  So hopefully the spotting will stop and the progesterone will help if indeed there is something in there.  Nurse N, yes the very one that said I was never really pregnant with the IVF, said that she doesn't like that I look stuff up on the internet.  I told her that I didn't this time, and I haven't.  I said it was from experience and the stuff that a friend with a similar experience had that put me wise to this particular issue.  Okay maybe my REI clinic here needs an over haul.  How much longer until some of this particular staff gets orders to a new military base is what I'm wondering?  Inconsiderate and insensitive.

Yesterday I went shopping with my friend S. S says that after our guys leave we are going to have to get together quite often, I said once a week and she said, "only once a week?".  Okay I can see once a week won't be enough and I do like my fun time with S no matter how exhausting it can be for this introvert.  I feel bad  for S.  Her spouse is deploying soon too.  Neither one of our spouses will be getting block leave or mid tour leave.  Nope they are just getting their butts ordered onto the transportation to leave us behind.

Deployments for me are a lot different than those for the spouse who is left behind with children to care for.  I have no pets, no kids and no family on this coast, nothing that would hold me back but lack of money and fears of traveling alone.  For S, she has dogs and two kids but her family lives overseas.  At least for me, if I felt froggy enough to do so, I could just take off and go visit my family while J is deployed.  S can't just take off.  S would have to put the pets in a boarding facility and get all sorts of paperwork done just to leave the country and re-enter.  It is nice to be able to just up and leave.  Sure I'd have to find someone to house sit and make sure my plants get watered but really is my life all that hard?  It can be when I have a fibro flare.

Yes when J is gone there is no sex, I eat alone, I sleep alone, I do everything alone except for when I'm with S and we go shopping.  Shopping with S is my break from the loneliness.  So yes, psychologically it is hard for me  because I'm more apt to develop depression from the isolation.  However, deployments are just as hard on the women that have children to take care of.  Each side of the coin has its own ups and downs.

By Monday I should know if I got my unicorn.  I have my doubts now that I saw some brown on the applicator.   Oh and with any luck J might be able to plead for Friday off so that we can get some more much need couple time together.  However, I'll not keep my fingers crossed on that one.  I asked him to ask today for Friday. Oh and yes I already have the sightseeing booked.

Progesterone (P4) 7 dpo > 15 ng/ml A progesterone test is done to confirm ovulation. When a follicle releases its egg, it becomes what is called a corpus luteum and produces progesterone. A level over 5 probably indicates some form of ovulation, but most doctors want to see a level over 10 on a natural cycle, and a level over 15 on a medicated cycle. There is no mid-luteal level that predicts pregnancy. Some say the test may be more accurate if done first thing in the morning after fasting.

Monday, February 27, 2012

I Can Tell Its Monday

I'm fatter than last week by two pounds and I'm totally exhausted.  It seems that not enough sleep on Saturday night caused my metabolism to crash.  I went into fat storage mode.

I also fell asleep in the tub last night.  That just isn't good.  I would jerk awake because I was afraid of drowning only to fall asleep again.  I put my book outside of the tub and just decided to soak.  That was stupid as I slid down more in the tub and well you can see where it could lead to.  I got out before my normal time of a 30 minute soak.

I'm still cranky.  I did test this morning and it was negative.  I'm just fat and getting ready to cycle again.  Its only CD20 but still I don't feel like this natural cycle with two of my own eggs was a success.  I know the odds were against me anyway to begin with.  So from here on out I'm going to attribute the symptoms to PMS.

I called Tricare and scheduled my re-entry appointment into the gastroenterologist office.  I have to bring my driver's schedule with me and a complete list of my medicines too.  Fun part is going to be trying to figure out who will be my driver.  I don't even know if J will still be here for my scoping let alone the initial interview which is late next month.

I also called the Respite Care EFMP ACS coordinator and left her a message explaining that I just got my summary sheet on Friday so that there is no way that they could have denied me without the application being properly supported with the data.  I'll probably get a call from her by the end of the week.

Next call was to the REI clinic.  Nurse N called me back just now and asked why I wanted the CD 21 test.  She is going to ask Dr.C. if he feels its necessary since Dr. B. is out today.  They were all quite surprised that I ovulated on my own and two eggs at that.  Nurse N did ask if I had a reason why I wanted the test and I explained to her that Maj D (an RE doctor of my past) said that the reason why I miscarried the twins in 1996 was due to low progesterone and poorly functioning corpus luteul cysts.  Back then I had ovulated two eggs,one from each ovary.  So Nurse N will get back to me.  She knows that I still have endometrium and PIO here at home and said I would be put back on it if the test showed anything.   However, she said that they didn't believe that the tests were all that definitive for showing that a possible pregnancy might need support.  I told her that I realize that its still too early to have a valid home test here, negative or positive.

So this is where I sit.  I'm in limbo on all grounds.  I wish I had a set of orders with a deployment date rather than just the fact that J knows he is on the list.  He could leave in a week or 2 months.  I just wish I knew when!  I'm guessing though that he is going to get screwed out of his block leave, which means no vacation together for us.

Second load of laundry is in the washer and I'd better go check it because it got way too quiet.  Old machine from 1995.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Not Quite What I Wanted

Photo by me and yes I enhanced it.

Its Sunday once again which means in less than 2 hours I'll be headed out to church.  Thank God I won't be driving.

I'm tired.  I didn't sleep much last night.  J and I were woken up by one of my nightmares at 0200hrs.  Ugh I hate PTSD.

Yesterday we went grocery shopping at two store, stopped by the Exchange to get more potting soil, organic seeds and peet pellets.  Later today I'll be planting more of my seeds in preparation for this years hopefully bountiful harvest.  I'm trying my hand this year at three new crops: potatoes yellow and purple, beets, and radishes.  The rest of my crops will be sunflowers, nasturtiums, peppers, onions, tomatoes, strawberries, rhubarb, and various herbs and most flowers edible in my garden except for the the existing ones which I didn't plant and one or two just for show.

Sorry if my post seems a little iffy I'm quite fatigued.  J is anxious about the upcoming deployment.  We are both on edge not knowing how much time we have left together.  It could be a week or two months.  But he will be leaving soon and I hate it.

I hope that my garden will keep me busy for most of the summer.  But I will have to be a realist, this is The Evergreen State which means moss, mold, and mildew the three shades of greenish black associated with plentiful rain.  Last year my tomatoes never ripened.  I had hard green tomatoes at the end of August.  I'm hoping for more than 2 days of summer this year.

I do plan on getting into my other pursuits.  I might reopen my etsy shop.  Its been closed for almost four years.  I'll start completely over with a new name and some of my old stock of jewelry, new soaps, lip balms, bath salts, organic crocheted wash cloths, and so on.  But that will be quite an undertaking and I'm not sure I'll be up to it or not.

So my other plan is to get back to my art work.  I'd like to do daily water colors.  I need the practice as I'm sorely lacking in my skills at the moment.  I need to build up my strength in my hands.  The carpal tunnel makes writing and drawing painful after a few hours.  Okay sometimes after a few lines.

If it turns out that I get a unicorn before J has to leave I'll need his help in rearranging furniture and my craft boxes.  I refuse to lift anything myself that is over 10 pounds.  Due to my back injury I'm not supposed to be lifting more than that amount any way.

Forget RESPITE CARE.  I've already been denied twice and they haven't even seen my EFMP summary sheet that I just got in the mail on Friday.  Yes, the one I'm supposed to submit to the ACS to see if I qualify.  I got an email from ACS saying that my daughter Penny isn't going to get care.  When did I have a child?  I responded immediately to the person that emailed me and told her there is some mistake.  She emailed me back and said they would correct my denial letter.  Yes, they corrected it and still didn't realize I'd yet to submit the paperwork to even get reviewed.  Got to love the Army!  So no I won't be getting any help while J is deployed.  Even though 2 of my 6 listed medical conditions is considered to be severe after being reviewed by medical board.  I need only one condition to be listed as severe to be allowed Respite Care.  Of the rest one condition is moderate and three others are mild.  I'm listed as having to have a hepa filter, air conditioning, one story house and use of a cane to ambulate.  We have a one story house and I use my cane but there is no a/c or hepa filter in our base home.

Okay enough b*tching for today.

Symptoms of PMS or Pregnancy for today:

Sore breasts
Tenderness in the pelvic region more centered around uterus
Headache yesterday and again this morning
Lower back pain

All of the above could be related to any of my medical issues.  I'll let you figure out this puzzle.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Taxes Are Done

Last night J and I finally got our taxes filed.  I had all my infertility receipts in hand.  They photo copied them, calculated the percentage and well, nothing.  Even though we were well above the 7.5% or whatever it was we were not above the dollar amount.  So no savings there.

Still we are getting a refund.  All of which is now ear marked for the donor egg cycle when he gets back home.  I'm thinking that I should be able to save up enough of his measly pay to help with the rest of the money I need towards the donor egg cycle.

Its something.  But with budget cuts, even though J will be in a combat zone, he won't be getting combat pay.  Nope.  Our soldiers are again getting the royal treatment minus the vaseline.

As for pay raise this year I think it was noted that they would be getting a whopping 0.5% pay raise which amounts to about maybe another tax bracket so he'll never see it.

I'm not cranky or anything.

Pregnancy or PMS symptoms:

sore breasts

In a few more days I can test.  In a few more days I can call my RE doctor and plead for a CD21 progesterone test.  Like "Another Dreamer" said I could have a good embryo but a poorly working corpus luteum and that could mess it all up.  Probably what happened to my very first pregnancy too.

Friday, February 24, 2012

PCM Appointment and Ponderings

Sedimentary deposits on the access road to Pacific Beach.  Photo by me.

First off the PCM appointment went well.  Dr. G. listened well to me and decided to do the blood work though he too thinks that without a doubt I at least have an allergy to gluten.  He isn't sure that the blood work will show much as the test has to be done, according to his computer, after I've been eating gluten for a month straight.  He didn't want me sick for that long so he had the blood drawn yesterday.

Funny thing was that even though I've ditched my asthma medicines completely the wheezing has cleared up on its own.  Dr.G. said, "I don't know what you've been using to clear it up but its gone and whatever you've been doing keep it up.".  Interesting.  Maybe it was the vacation to the ocean?  Since then my breathing has gotten better.  I also have a new referral to Gastroenterology in the computer and will be able to call and book my appointment some time next week after its been approved for an available opening.

Now for my ponderings.

I can't figure out why they are deploying J.  He was told he wasn't going to be on the list.  He's on the list.  I wonder if its because I miscarried again.  I mean how is that nice to take away my spouse when we are both still grieving?

This third loss is tearing us both up.  I urged J to make sure he tries to get an appointment to talk to a counselor about the grief.  Seriously I have my own psychologist and we see a marriage counselor but J has no outlet and I've seen just how much this is tearing him up inside.  He is so angry and yet within seconds he is almost in tears.  If I didn't know better I'd say he was injecting himself with my IVF meds.

I know quite well that he is afraid that I might again be pregnant and that we might very well lose this one too if I am.  Really when a soldier deploys he has to get into the zone.  Yes, they get their tunnel vision before they deploy and become real bears to live with.  Its not that they don't love us its just that they have to build up that protective wall again.  The worst part is that we had just broken through that wall and now he is defenseless due to the repeat pregnancy loss.

I'm worried about him.  He is going to a hostile country.  Of late there have been more killings.  I don't want to be a widow.  I have to tell you its a big fear among us military spouses because it can very well happen.  Just the other day there was a training accident in the news.  More dead.  I guess I'll be breathing easier when he gets back home again.  I'd breath a lot easier if they just sent him off on some field exercise.  Well no I doubt I'd be happy with that either.

I know I can handle being apart from him.  I've done it before and I can do it again.  I'm not one of those fall apart spouses that can't handle being left alone.  I'm far from friendless and defenseless.  I know how to take care of myself and shoot an intruder.  Yes, my father, a former soldier himself, taught me well.

I know J will come home again.  But I don't know how well he'll be when he gets back.   He ended up being medivac'd to Balad last time.

I can't worry about the unknown because I can't control it.  I can only live the time I'm in right now and plan for a future with many different options.  I can dream of long vacations together.  I can dream that some how they'll still decide to leave him behind.  But in the end I have to face reality.

Due to OPSEC I won't be posting where he is or when he leaves.  I can only post that he will be leaving and how things are going well after he gets to his destination.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

WTF # 2 and Good News?

A photo by me of Pacific Beach.

Okay well the WTF appointment went as well as can be I guess.  No they didn't  do blood work.  So I guess I'll push to get that done this afternoon when I get my new referral to the Gastroenterologist.

My blood pressure was good this morning at 125/76.

I explained to Dr.B. that I'm still getting some spotting and pelvic pain on the left side.  He opted to check me out after our talk.

What he said was basically this:  I gave it my best try.  Its time to move to donor eggs since I was considering them.  He said we could do a few rounds of clomid again before J deploys.

Oh and yes that is what I couldn't discuss before.  I'll be finding out here shortly just when J leaves.  He went to the range yesterday to qualify in anticipation of leaving soon.  When he gets back home again we'll go ahead with the donor eggs.  That is of course unless a UNICORN happens.

Dr. B. did say I most likely do have a developing issue with gluten as I'm in the right age range.  He said that they would, while J is deployed, opt to check me out for the endometriosis before we go ahead with the donor eggs to make sure its all cleared out.  He said that steroids would only cause more issues with the fetus than its worth and he said he wouldn't go that route.

Now for what he saw with the wand:
I watched as Dr.B's face changed to shock and confusion after moving away from the right ovary.
Oh my.  I did ovulate on my very own.  Right side was all quiet.  Left side had one bloody small cyst (endometrioma) that is the cause of the slight spotting it seems.  AND I had two cysts that I ovulated from.  That right ladies I ovulated on my own, no meds, from two follicles on the left ovary.  One follicle was more swollen still and a little bit cystic like but Dr. B. said it will resolve.  The other was sunken in a bit and the bloody one was also small.  Dare I hope? 

The doctor didn't think I was going to ovulate on my own thus his speech about us giving it our all before the exam.  Well here is hope that at least one was good enough and that soon I'll be testing.  But I do have my doubts.  I know the odds aren't in my favor considering my age.  I'm due around 2 March for AF's visit.

Dr. B also said I am most definitely in the second part of my cycle from the looks of it.  I already knew that too.  I felt the ovulation pain on Friday last week on day 10.  So Dr. B. is already quite aware that I ovulate early and he is prepared.

So I'm to call when I start my next cycle to get the script for clomid again.  He put it in the computer today but I've got time to go pick it up.  I needed only 1/2 a pill for 5 days last time to produce minimum of 4 follicles sometimes 6.

So I'm in my two week wait.  We'll see where this takes us.  It ain't over until the fat lady sings!

Update:  RE doc doesn't think progesterone supplement is needed because a good embryo would have enough of its own.  Sure and I'll get my unicorn tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Mini Holiday Part Deux

I know it doesn't look like much but this is where we stayed.  Its an old Naval base in the Pacific Northwest.  At $45 per night during peak weekends its not all that bad.  Well except that its government run or I should specify MWR (morale, welfare, and recreation) run.  Which means that the money I spend at the Post Exchange pays for the upkeep of this place.  We stayed two nights here and spent $80 due to a discount for an off peak night.
Low tide on Pacific Beach.  J and I decided to go for a walk and look for shells.  Clams were being dug up and even though we could have rented the equipment for the clam digging at the resort we chose not to.  I was quite happy hunting for the elusive intact sand dollars.  Never did find one.  The clam diggers were breaking them in half with their equipment.  But I did take home some rather nice shells, a crab shell, drift wood and some rocks.  I do love rock picking.  Odd I know.

Close up photo of the sand.  I had the dickens of a time getting this photo to come out clearly.  But yes the sand is that pretty.

Photo of J who was also taking pictures of the sand.  He is so sweet humoring me by walking in the cold wind and carrying my bag of ocean vomit.  Well the ocean did spit it up.

This is just how rough and ugly the surf looked when we arrived at Pacific Beach.  Taken just before the tide went out.

This is was our room.  I did say it was run by the MRW right?  Well that means that the heater in our room broke down on our last night at 2100 hrs right in the middle of Downton Abbey.  Yup, we were given a space heater and an apology but no discount for the inconvenience.  At first they were going to put us in another room.  So I packed everything up and lifted the heavy suitcase.  Then they changed their mind.  So I unpacked.  Then they said they'd move us.  So I packed up again. Turns out they had no rooms left so I had to yet again unpack.

This caused me to start bleeding the next morning.  How nice to develop back and pelvic pain then start bleeding because of it.  Thank you Endometriosis for putting a damper on my vacation.  Just when I thought it was safe to have some fun and live a normal life..SMACK in the face pain.

Ocean Side.  Just thought it was a neat picture.  We didn't eat at Sharkeys.  We did eat at the Galaway Pub. J bought me another bead at the gift shop at Galaway Pub.

J was feeding the seagulls.  We kept saltines in the car, a left over from our clam chowder soup.

That's all I have to share for today.  Tomorrow is my WTF appointment and an appointment with my PCM.  Hopefully someone will decide to run some tests on me to find out why I keep losing the embryos.  Maybe I'll get a few answers tomorrow.

Oh and I'll share more news when I get it.  Looks like I'll be taking a break for about 8 months from TTC.  I'll explain why later.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Mini Holiday

Saturday dawned with its ugly head of an impending storm.  We didn't care we had to get out of town for a while.  Driving into the storm was to say the least interesting.  Walking in the gale force winds was even more interesting.  A few times I would look back to see if J was still there. I'm a planner so I knew in advance were we could sight see under cover from the storm.

The lighthouse is not near the water now, but it is located across from a Greek restaurant where we had our lunch.  The food was fresh and quite good.

 Not since the artificial land area called Half Moon Bay was created has the light house been near the water.  The Maritime Museum pictured here is near the ocean.  I was a bit disappointed with the exhibits.
 Destruction Island lens from the Gray's Harbor Lighthouse, which is the tallest Lighthouse in Washington state is located forty miles north of Grays Harbor on the Washington Coast. The lighthouse was first lit in 1891. Lighthouse
 The common access road to the observation platform was closed off at noon due to the tide waters cresting the breakers and causing a temporary flooding.

2 hours later we were able to get to the furthers most point of the Half Moon Bay to take photos.  Well okay my hip hurt so J took these particular photos.

The above were all taken by my husband J.

  Tomorrow I'll post more about the rest of our trip.  Plenty of photos and some even taken by me next time, like this crappy one where I was fighting the wind.

Monday, February 20, 2012

1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, Squash

I can easily remember back to my childhood days of summertime when I'd spend the summer seasons slaving over the household garden.  It truly was a labor of love.  If you didn't love it you'd complain all through dinner about your aching back and the blisters from the farm tools used to keep said household garden weed and pest free.

In-between swim lessons which took up our morning hours at Macomb Park in upstate NY we had chores to do.  Weeding the garden was just one of them.  Oh before school even let out for the year we'd have to already have the garden tilled and planted.  It wasn't until my high school years that my mom decided to rent a rotor tiller.  Before that she had us with our hoes, rakes, and spades to turn the soil by hand.  I think if she could have she would have harnessed us to the old plow rig that my Aunt Bea had left behind in the garage.

Having a garden was important.  We didn't have a lot of funds to throw around on grocery store produce and eating out.  If we wanted to eat a particular vegetable come Winter we had to grow it ourselves.  This also meant canning.  I can still remember how Mom had just painted the kitchen ceiling white when the very next day while canning the pressure cooker decided to explode.  There were tomatoes and glass everywhere.  To say she was pissed was to put it mildly.

But I think the thing that really sticks in my mind to this day is my aversion for summer squash.  One Summer we had a bumper crop of it and couldn't give enough of it away to friends and family.  We had fried squash, boiled squash, steamed squash and I think if mom could have found a recipe for squash jelly we would have had that too.

I invite all of you to take a moment from your grocery shopping produce selection in the store to think about where your vegetables have come from.  Are they locally grown?  Or did your produce selection come from a foreign land?  If so have you stopped to realize just how much energy and fossil fuels were wasted in getting that particular item to your store?  How about the pesticides that are on the item in question?  I don't know about you but I do try to avoid buying the produce in the grocery store.  I can't wait for the real stuff to start showing up again in the farmers' market.  I say real because the stuff in the stores is mostly franken-foods (genetically modified).

I think that perhaps one of our best uses of spare time could be spent growing our own vegetables like our grandparents did in WW II.  Bring back the Victory Gardens!

As a member of From Left To Write I received a free copy of Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver.  All opinions expressed in this blog are my own.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Vacation Time

Its raining like crazy here and we are headed out into this.

I'm really hoping for some thunder and lightening too.

Okay I need to get my butt off this chair and into the car.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.  I'll post pictures of my trip soon.

Friday, February 17, 2012


This is my attempt at Challah.  I think it turned out pretty good and J came home from CQ pretty much just to sample the food.  He loves my cooking.

I decided to go for a real challenge and cut the dough into 6 balls then rolled it out into what is in this photo.  Now for the hard part, braiding the dough strips.

It took a bit of playing with but I got it finally.  I should have done a better job on tucking the ends in and under but well, this is my very first time making Challah.

I let the dough rise for one final time.  Don't mind the jelly roll pan its not really dirty but it is stained from the non stick surface wearing off.  I guess I shouldn't have used a metal spatula on the pan over the past decade but the damage was done with the first big scratch, after that I didn't care.
It really did rise nicely and I'm quite proud of the bread.

Fresh from the oven.  Even hours later when J came home to grab a bite to eat this bread was the first aroma that he had when entering the house.

Not the best photo, it looks really dark, but here it sits on my Grandma's cutting board.

There is a story behind this cutting board.  It was lost to me for 6 years while I moved about with my first husband.  When I got back to the states from Germany I went to my  first apartment, they were renovating it, I went in and asked the workers if I could get something.  Sure enough the cutting board was where I had left it 6 years before my first military move to Texas from NY.  I had used Grandma's cutting board to extend a shelf in a cabinet in my tiny apartment beside its original use.  I was so happy to have the cutting board in my possession again too.  With my move here to WA some how the board split in two.  J repaired it for me and I'm once again using it for its original purpose.  This is the only item that I can think of that I have from my mom's mother.  The cutting board has to be close to 80 years old and the handles broke off years before it was passed down to me.

Oh and I hate to say, but there is only about half of the loaf left.  Fresh baked bread doesn't last long in my house.

Just a little note, I got two lines today on my OPK.  The test line was darker than the control line.  We have a go.  Oh I highly doubt with all my issues this one will implant and there is of course the possibility that the follicle has no egg in it too.  But trying naturally is way more fun than any IVF!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

A New Bread Attempt

Today I'm going to attempt to make a bread I've never made before.  I will make the Jewish braid bread called Challah.  J loved the one we bought last year from our commissary and I figured while he is on CQ today I might as well put my excess free time to good use.

Who needs to do laundry?  Me, probably, but it can wait while I try to make this particular bread.

Oh I lost 0.8 lbs yesterday only to gain back 1.2 lbs overnight.  What the heck is going on with my body?  I now need to lose 5.2 pounds to get back to my pre IVF weight.

I now have an appointment to see my PCM for the very same day as my WTF appointment.  So if my RE doctor doesn't cooperate then my PCM surely will.  Well I hope he will.  Tricare, when I called them to schedule a referral appointment, had on hand the information that I was supposed to undergo a surgical procedure and they had no problem in getting me in to see my PCM for next week to get it back on its way.  Something barium endoscopy was the thing I was supposed to do according to their records.  All I know as that I will be under anesthesia of sorts and they might have to put in a balloon.  But that isn't now and I don't know when it will get done.

Our weekend plans have changed.  Good news is that its extended.  Yay!  I knew that J had a four day weekend coming up but that because he has CQ today he would be too tired to drive on Friday for the start of our vacation.  Also the place we had reservations at had only one night available and I asked to be put on the cancellation list.  So they called back and told me they now had an opening.  Now I get two nights away from this hell hole house.  I'm so thinking that beer and a hot tub are just what J needs.  He's been avoiding all alcohol and hot tubs because it can affect his swimmers.  Time to relax a bit.

Yesterday J ran 2 miles in the morning for his PT and another 11.5 miles for the "Walk To Afghanistan".  They required them to run, though the family members could walk.  I didn't go as my hip yesterday, just taking the trash cans out to the road decided to slip out again.  This time it was the left one.  Back to J again.  So J has finally decided to admit he is a bit of an athlete.  Running half a marathon in one day is enough I'd say to make that observation.  Wish I could walk half of what he runs without the pain I get. 

Okay so if I want to get that bread made, remember I'm experimenting with the gluten issues though I think we all know I have some sort of sensitivity by now, I'd best end this post and get the dough rising at least.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Share The Love

Share the Love
Share 2 must read blogs

Share 7 things you love about your significant other
1) His hands.  I know that sounds odd but he can create such beautiful things with his hands.  One day I'll share photos of his chainmaille.
2) His creativity.  
3) His energy.  I wish I could harness some of his energy and store it for my own needs to get things done when he is down range.
4)  The way he can throw himself into a project and forget about all else around him.
5)  His sensitivity.  
6) When he puts his mind to it he can really cook up a storm in the kitchen.  I just don't want to clean up after it.
7)  His sense of humor.
Share 7 random facts about you - or 7of your favorite things - or 7 things you love about yourself
1) I have only two piercings.
2) I'm a flip flopper or perhaps social chameleon is a better word.
3) I don't have a favorite color.  Its more like a color of the day that fits my mood.
4) I'm much older than my spouse.
5) I'm a cat person and I really miss having a fur baby under foot.
6) I don't have a favorite food.  Again its all depending on my mood.
7)  My interests keep me going and make me more fun to be around.

10 number game -think of your life and how the number relates to your life:
1) I met J almost 10 years ago; less than 29 days until we celebrate that date.
2) Before this past IVF 10 pounds stood between me and my ID card weight.
3) I filed for divorce from my first husband 10 years and almost 10 months ago.
4) 10 to the fifth power for books I still need to read on my shelves.
5) 10 the particular day I'd rather forget in a particular month of my life.
6) The maximum number of toppings I can stand on a pizza before I say no more.
7) My favorite number month for Autumn.
8)  I have 10 fingers.
9)  I have 10 toes.
10)  I co own 10+ fire arms.

2 things you've learned through this IF journey or things you would tell someone that just started this IF journey.

1) Don't pee on a stick before you get your blood work unless you DO WANT to drive yourself insane.
2)  Make sure your significant other is really on-board with all this fertility stuff as it can wreck a marriage if he/she isn't fully prepared for the emotionally roller coaster.

Thank you for joining in.  Be sure to visit three other bloggers and spread the love!


Flower surprise from J, my beloved, on Valentines' Day.  He also bought me several beads for my bracelet.  He is spoiling me and well of late I really do deserve the extra loving.

I've been tagged by Jen at and I'll be tagging a few of you as well.  Hopefully none of you get the same tag twice as this is going around rampant in our little IF community it seems.

Here are the rules:

1)  First post the rules.
2)  Answer 11 questions from the person that tagged you.
3)  Create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag.
4)  Tag people and link them to your post.
5)  Let them know that you tagged them.

The questions I have to answer are as follows:

1)  What is your favorite room in your house?
I'd have to say the office.  Someday I hope that our second bedroom, the now current office, will become the nursery.

2)  If you could be on any reality tv show, which one would you choose?
Sister Wives.  Fertile women for the most part and they are willing to share their kids with one another.  Ah the blessings of motherhood.

3)  What songs are on the soundtrack of your life?
"I would die for that", "Oceans Apart Day After Day", "Far Away", "Come Home Soon".. you get the idea.

4)  Do you have any hidden talents?  What are they?
Yes I have hyper mobile joints, need I say more?

5) Pirate or Ninja?

6)  What are your favorite smells?
Food cooking that I didn't have to cook.

7)  What is the best vacation that you've ever taken?
I'm still waiting on that one.  They keep getting better.

8)  What would you do for work if you could do anything you wanted, succeed and be able to support yourself?
Read books and get paid for it.

9)  How did you meet your husband or significant other?
I met J at a friends wedding.  Two of my friends were getting married to each other and J ended up being the best man at last minute.

10)  Which Disney princess, if any, do you most identify with?

11)  Have you ever met or talked to another blogger in person or on the phone?
Nope.  Though I wouldn't mind meeting up with a few here locally.  HINT HINT HINT!

Now for the ones that I'm tagging:

1) Jessica at
2) Sunflower at businessofbaby
3) livingourlifeincycles
4) Stephanie at
5) Cristy at searchingforoursilverlining
6) Suzy at notafertilemyrtle
7) EndoJoanna at endojoanna
8) Stephanie at stephanietheblondie
9) Natalie at natandlee
10) Sarah at sarah-babytalk
11) Nicki at whatdreamersdo

And now my 11 questions for the bloggers above.  Don't mind me I'm not nosy or anything.

1) What is the one food you absolutely refuse to eat?
2)  What is your favorite food?  Please send me the recipe for the dish.
3)  If you could only bring one book with you to a deserted island which one would you chose and why?
4)  If you could only bring either a hibachi or a frying pan with you to the deserted island which one and why?
5)  In the event of a Zombie attack which would you prefer for your weapon of choice, a shotgun with only two shells or a bowie knife?
6) What smell reminds you of your significant other?  and why?
7)  If you had the space for it would you grow your own vegetables?
8)  What one personal possession means the most to you and why?
9)  If you could relive a moment from childhood which one would you choose?
10)  Life is short, the doctor gave you 6 months to live and you just won $100,000 what would you do?
11)  Someone that hurt you badly in your past is now asking for your forgiveness, do you give it?  

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Something Isn't Right

J gifted me this morning and I don't even have the energy to open the gifts.  Yes, I'm that tired.

I still need to go bake something that is going to make me sick.  Think today I'll make oatmeal cookies.  I never got around to making them last week.  No, I'm still gnawing on the bread from last week.  Amazingly enough it stayed fresh.

I'm sick.  My asthma is getting worse because of the GERD.  Oh and its either my GERD or I do indeed have Celiac or heaven help me my liver is getting cranky.  Why you wonder?  Well the evidence was in my toilet today.  The bile production isn't normal.  Yellow is not normal.  I shouldn't be having this much trouble with constipation either.  Its odd but bread used to have the opposite effect on me, not any more.  Oh and I gained 1.4 pounds over night.  I look huge.  I'm not kidding you when I say I went up another pant size over night with the swelling.  Everything is swollen on me, not just my face now.  Two clothing sizes since I started this experiment and only 1.4 pounds gained is just crazy.

I gave up on the peppermint tea after just two cups of it.  It was making my GERD worse.  Its been days since I had the last cup of it too.  Tums and Gas-x are still my bosom buddies.  No more than 2 Tums a day as I don't want to mess with the blood results nor give myself hypoparathyroidism from too much calcium being free in my blood stream.  I've had it before from the cortisone shots and its not fun at all.

There won't be a special dinner served at my house tonight.  Last night I had a few pieces of California roll and one egg roll.  I had some pie yesterday (it had a flour crust so oh what the heck its gluten), and some unsalted nuts.  Not sure how I could have gained 1.4 pounds from that but I did.

The 23rd can't get here quick enough.  I want to go back to my gluten free eating.  My stomach can't handle much more of this. 10 days until I beg my RE doctor to do some testing on me.  I might just make an appointment with my PCM in the meantime to get a referral to the gastroenterologist at Madigan.  Its been almost two years since I last saw one.  But I can almost bet it will take two weeks to get the PCM appointment and another 2-4 weeks to get to see the gastro doc.  I might as well wait and hope the RE doc will agree to the testing.

All I know is that something isn't right.  I'm sick and its not the flu.  Since I'm not on vitamins I think J and I have agreed to fore-go trying naturally.  I can't handle another positive hpt only to lose it a day later.  I need more time.  I need to be on folic acid for peace of mind too before we try again and right now I have to abstain from vitamins and mineral supplements to get an accurate blood count.

Monday, February 13, 2012

CD 6

Trial and error continue in my life.  I'm now on cycle day 6 and am starting to rev up for ovulation.  Yup, the egg white cervical mucus is there, and the medium darkness of a line is on the OPK.  I'll probably give it a go tonight and every other day this week.  I figure why not?  What have I got to lose by trying on my own. 

I realize at my age its rare to conceive naturally.  I realize with my medical issues I might get another embryo only to have it refuse to implant.  I realize that I might, just might have a snow balls chance in hell of creating a baby.

I'll take what I can get.

So this is where I am in my life.  Its down to experimenting.  I'm experimenting with my infertility and my diet.  I tried eating a sugary treat with wheat in it only to start belching it back up within minutes.  My right hip is refusing to cooperate today due to the damp cold weather so I'm experimenting with different sitting positions trying to find a measure of comfort.

There is of course life beyond the medical aspect that seems to rule many of an infertiles life.  I'm actively planning my garden.  I will set seeds to peet in the next week.  I'm quite excited to have something edible growing again.  I do the garden thing every year.

I'm also planning a weekend trip with J. We just need to get away from here for a little bit.  We can't go far without having to file paperwork with the Army so its only going to be within the state.  Still it will be nice to have a change of scenery.   I'll be sure to take many photos so I can have interesting things to post in my blog in the future.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

A Little Faith Makes All The Difference

Well I got up, cleaned up and dressed this morning.  I didn't want to but I felt that I needed to.  Truly today going to church did make a difference.

Maybe its the sense of community, that common bond that most of us humans seek out in our everyday lives that made me get up from my warm nest of covers.  Whatever it was I have no regrets about going.

I did have to use my cane today.  Both knees were buckling and my back was killing me.  At one point my left knee made a resounding pop while kneeling that my spouse asked me if I was okay.  While singing I got dizzy and almost asked J to hand me my rescue inhaler but I made it through by just lip syncing at the end.

There was no miraculous healing of my body.  That is not why I go to church.  I go for the soothing of my spirit and the nourishment of my soul.  I go to church knowing that I'm not the only one broken in more ways than one.  Some of us have hidden issues that we can't bring to the surface to discuss.  There is always that niggling fear of rejection and judgement from others especially those who have never walked in our shoes.

When asked today, "Why the cane?", I did my best to explain with the hope that none would judge me too young for so many problems.  Maybe I was the one who had prejudged them, thinking that they wouldn't understand.  Considering the mean age of the congregation is about 60 more than one did understand and I wasn't the only one using a cane.

I did feel a burden at breakfast, we have a church breakfast after mass, that J had to fill my plate.  I would have ended up spilling my plate my moves were so herky jerky today.  J can be really sweet, kind and considerate at times.  He knows when I use my cane, an outward voicing of my pain, that I need help that day.  I guess I need to speak up when I'm not using it so that he helps me then too.

So today I learned  much about the Lepers in the sermon and how it applies to my own issues.  I took away from the sermon that its okay to be crippled, handicapped, or having emotional hurts.  I don't have to shout out "unclean, unclean!" as I approach others but I do have to let them know that I might need a helping hand or else I might just have them staring at me wondering why I can't do for myself.  It truly is okay to ask for help within the community.  Not everyone is out to get me.  I can be accepted for who I am, not necessarily for what I can do for everyone.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Blah Saturday

Yup, not much going on here today.

I got angry.

I cried.

I went grocery shopping for food that I won't eat but J will.  It was mostly his stuff he needed as well, I eat like a bird these days think bread and bread products.

Went out for lunch.  J bought me a gift for Tuesday's celebration of which he promptly wrapped when we got home.  The thing that I wanted to get for him won't be completed yet.  Its just a new stock for his granddad's shotgun.  Oh we started that project back in October but the guy who is making it is so back logged on gun projects that he probably won't get it to it until next month.  So for now J is just going to get an IOU and some candy.

Still have pelvic pain.  My GERD is hell right now.  Both kept me up last night like a newborn crying for a bottle.

Tomorrow is church.  We'll see if I feel up to going.  I hope I can go as these days its about the only thing that makes me feel a bit better about life.

If my ovaries are still possibly good and my uterus is still okay and I don't show signs for killing off any more babies we'll go with my own DNA again and give it more more try.

If my eggs are shit then we go with donor eggs.

If my endo is worse and my uterus is killing off the babies we are done.

13 more days until the WTF appointment.

Oh and excuse my cussing.  I'm just in that kind of mood.  I'll repent tomorrow and probably still swear a bit more after.  Life isn't always fair and we all know that.

Celiac note:  I'm now starting with a rash and I have a bruise on my forearm as of this morning.  No clue where the bruise came from as I don't remember hurting myself on anything.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Day 3 We'll See

Yesterday you might recall that I baked Wheat Bran Dinner Rolls.  Yummy though they were I was really glad to have on hand the herb of peppermint.  I needed that tea in the worst way.

Oh I ate three of the rolls yesterday for my meals and not much else.  My stomach expanded and it was hurting to get anything else in there with all the belching and acid reflux.  The tea did help as I had my dental cleaning to go to last night and I really didn't want the stench of vomit in my mouth when the dental hygienist had her face so close to mine.

My pelvis hurt more than my digestive tract yesterday.  I finally got a call back from the RE nurse in the late afternoon.  She said I can talk about it all with the doctor, as in you'll have to wait until the WTF appointment, and I was to expect this period to be so painful.  But that if I have a fever, I don't mind you, that they would see me right away.  As for pain relief she said if I have anything left from the egg retrieval to use it.  Thankfully I do have some left.

When sitting in the dental chair last night the pain was bad.  The dentist was tying to not make me laugh but I did and it hurt my pelvic region.  I knew sleeping was going to be interesting.  By the way, no cavities.

I waited until bed time last night, after a scalding hot bath to decide to use the narcotics.  I was hoping the tub would ease my pain.  It helped with the gas bubbles in my stomach and I did belch a lot more.  Why is it always the small intestine and stomach that hurt when I eat bread?  But I did end up taking two of the pills in the night.  I spaced them out.  I didn't sleep much because the pain broke through several times.  Poor J didn't get much sleep last night I think I kept him up with my groaning and complaining.

Today its a bit better.  The indigestion is still bad.  I had one dinner roll at 0500 hrs with J.  I just had another for a "real" breakfast with a glass of juice.   The icy fingers are already creeping up my throat to clamp down.  I swear its like a cold burning sensation if that makes any sense.  I really can't explain it any better than that.

I was going to make oatmeal cookies today but laundry prevails.  I have a load to finish up still and put away.  Plus from the photo above you can see I still need to plow through the rest of the home baked goods, with J's help of course, before they get stale.  Maybe in a few days I'll make something with oatmeal in it.  Cookies are a bit high in sodium so I'll try to find a lower sodium recipe before I conclude that would be the best use of my oatmeal.

Oh and I've lost 0.2 lbs now.  Not much.  Not exercising.  My clothes are getting tighter too.  I want my stomach swelling to go now.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

2nd Day Of This Weirdness

I made it through a single day with about 15 more to go until my WTF appointment.  But I made it through the night with the aid of Gas-x and peppermints.  Oh and they didn't fix the stomach pain entirely either.  Nor did it stop the puking.

Just think this was only the beginning I thought to myself.  I had only made bleached flour bread or as the recipe calls it, Amish White Bread.  If anything this particular bread should be the easiest for me to digest.

Today I'm making Wheat Bran Dinner rolls.  Today I hit the hard stuff.

My weight is still the same, thankfully.  I don't like what all this bloating is doing to my body already.  This morning I woke up with a double chin.  I had just gotten rid of the double chin in January too!

Thanks for all your support yesterday.  I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for the REI office to call me back.  They haven't yet and I do understand that I am no longer a priority to them.  Its just rather hurtful to be given the brush off so soon.

I need answers.  I'm willing to do another colonoscopy and endoscopy if the blood work shows positive.  I've had both 11-15 years ago.  Intestinal problems run in the family too.  I've had an ulcer and GERD.  I was on prilosec for most of 10 years before going off of it almost two years ago for these infertility treatments.  Before J came home from Iraq I was slated for a procedure to have another endoscopy done because of my problems. I had to cancel the procedure because he was due home when I would be having it.   The doctors knew they'd have to go in with a balloon and reinflate the area that seem to have collapsed a bit.  At one point my closure was a stage 4.  Something was aggravating my inners and I'm guessing it was the foods that I ate.  Its not too often that I now suffer with the feeling of trying swallow a golf ball when I'm only trying to drink water.  I'm thankful for that bit of reprieve.  However, as of this morning its back.  I think I might have a slight allergy to something.

Here is a bit more about my family medical history.  Mom has the Celiac Disease, mild but she ignores.  She has always been allergic to wheat and oatmeal and breaks out in a rash when she eats it besides the gastric issues.  Mom also had to have a foot of large intestine removed when she was just 19. She was vomiting her own feces it was that bad.  My dad's side has colon cancer.  Most likely unrelated to the Celiac Disease but still its a concern.   Dad has always had issues, well as long as I have known him, with his digestive system too, perhaps he inherited it from his father.

But anyway my experiment continues today.  In a little bit I'll be getting the dry yeast out again to make bran dinner rolls.  Only 15 days to go.

As for the endo pain.  Oh baby its there.  When I barely touch my pelvic area it hurts.  I'm trying to ignore that pain to better focus on the other symptoms right now.  I did say trying.

Excuse me I just belched again.  Oh this is going to be a fun day.

I also lost one of my followers today.  I guess that they got sick of me?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Starting Over The Hard Way

Today I got my wicked red witch of a visitor.  Oh I knew it was coming.  But before we get into that I'll tell you what I am doing to prepare for the WTF appointment later this month.

I guess you could say I'm carb loading.  Not that I want to but really it seems as though I have no choice.  If I want to get the proper testing done I need to be prepared.  I know I must have a sensitivity to gluten, wheat, bran and oats.  Whenever I eat the stuff I end up in the bathroom and its not pleasant.  However because I've been eliminating it from my diet over the past 6 months, thus just one more reason why I've lowered my blood pressure and lost the weight, I won't show positive at all for the Celiac Disease if I did have it.  No in order to show positive or have proper testing I have to be eating the stuff that makes me sick for at least 10-14 days.  I guess its a good thing that I researched it a bit, looked through my old medical papers. and asked my mom about the family medical history.  I have just enough time before the appointment to get the crap back into my system. But I'll have to tell them that I was abstaining from it for half the year as that might still mess with the results a bit.

Today I'm baking bread.  If there is just one way that I can still control some of the sodium I ingest daily its through my own efforts.  Right now the dough is rising in the kitchen.  I had to turn the heat up in the house from 62 to 67 and turn the oven on two hours early to warm the kitchen enough to get the yeast to work.  I'm going to hate the Minol bill when it comes in.

Back to why my own bread.  If you've ever taken the time to read packages you'll notice that most breads are 120 mg of sodium to about 200 mg of sodium per slice.  Since I'm on a sodium restricted diet of 1000 mg a day I have to cut corners.  My bread recipe uses 1 1/2 tsp of salt in it for the two loaves.  I use Celtic Sea Salt which is about 550 mg per teaspoon.  Math time 775 mg for the 1 1/2 tsp. divide that by two loaves 387.5 mg per loaf.  I get about 10 slices out of each loaf  so that is about 38.75 mg per slice.  No other ingredients in this recipe have sodium in them.  So I could say pig out and eat a whole loaf of bread and not worry about my sodium content.  Note that I also use unsalted butter when I eat the bread or other low sodium and no sodium spreads. 

Oh I know I'm going to be hurting.  Gross factor here:  by the end of the day I'll be wishing for loperimide and a large tube of preparation-H. 

No choice it has to be done.

Now for CD 1.  Its here.  It hurts.  I tried to call the RE nurse to let her know about it but I only got the voice mail with her promising to get back to me asap.  Its been over 2 hours.  I may or may not hear from her later today.

Yesterday I went to see my PCM.  I wrote about that a bit.  I was put back on my nebulizer and the flovent to go with my flonase and emergency inhaler.  I guess he heard something and wasn't pleased.  Well he wouldn't be very pleased with me right now if he knew I went off it all and ditched my vitamins too.  I'm only staying on the high blood pressure medicine right now.  All the rest of my medicines could affect the upcoming tests I'm going to demand to have done.  Steroids are notorious for messing with results.  I have three prescribed to me right now.  I'm noot going to take them until the tests are done and the results in hand.  I need to know why my body is rejecting or killing off the embryos.

I just hope that the Army medical staff takes me seriously.  They should, I have enough wrong with me that I should be seeing several specialists monthly and my PCM monthly too according to my EFMP forms.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Not Sure Why

I'm not sure why I lost this pregnancy.  I'm not sure why I lost the previous three either.  But I aim to find out something when I have my WTF appointment on the 23rd of February.

Why is my body rejecting or killing off the babies?  I asked the REI nurse.  We discussed a few issues.  It could be my medical problems.  It could very well be an autoimmune disease as I have two and there are several in my family.  But could eczema and psoriasis really be the cause of my body losing so many pregnancies?  It seems rather far fetched.  Maybe I'm developing my family's Celiac Disease?  I was figuring the problems I had from eating wheat, bran and not so much the oat were in my head.  I guess a blood test could figure out most of these issues.

Blood test are only going to tell me just so much though, my doctor has to figure out the rest.  I'm hoping its not the endometriosis.  I really don't want to be cut open.  My endometriosis was able to be diagnosed without cutting me opening.  I know many may think that the only way to give a definitive diagnosis for endometriosis is with a knife.  Well mine was diagnosed via symptoms years ago and finally with the Saline Infusion Sonogram last year.  The doctor found the endometrioma and there is was, "ta-da you've got it" moment and we are sure now.  When the first IVF egg retrieval day came around sure enough when the follicles were drained sure enough only blood in that particular one.  I guess I'm just lucky that my tubes are still okay.

Back to the autoimmune diseases.  In my family there is Parkinson's, Psoriasis, Eczema, Celiac, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and IBD.  Nothing that will kill you but it will make your life rather miserable if you go untreated.  The IBD I'm still guessing at really because I don't have all the family medical history updated and I know that I was diagnosed with IBS myself years ago.  I just hope it never progresses to the point it becomes IBD.  Though there are days that I wonder if the abdominal pain I have is the endometriosis or the beginning of IBD.  I've learned to live with a modified diet.  I'm very careful about what I eat.  I do use my lactose intolerance and whey allergy to my benefit when I do get constipated.  I do the same with my sensitivity to gluten products.  Hey when you've got to go and it hurts I don't reach for chemical but I do use my allergies instead.

Speaking of pain, I really wish this ongoing pain in my left side, right around the duodenum would just go away.  Seems like whatever I eat of late just hates me.  I'll blame that on the fibromyalgia nerve pain and the IBS for today.

In an hour I'll see my PCM (primary care manager or doctor) to get a referral for my yearly, though its been two years, check up for my asthma.  I never said I got good medical care with the Army.  If anything my medical care and coverage have gotten worse with the budget cuts.  Fewer doctors off post are taking the coverage and now when I book appointments within the Tricare system I'm asked if I have additional insurance.  As if I could afford it,  seriously they don't pay my spouse enough to cover some of the co-pays for out of network prescriptions and doctors visits.  Oh and some won't get reimbursed either.  I remember paying out $75 for just one script for my thyroid and Tricare refused to reimburse me.  Whatever!

Oh and for the final slap in the face or should I say first slap in the face.  Yesterday  when my RE's nurse gave me the results said I was never really pregnant.  WHAT!  Excuse me I saw them put the embryo in me.  There was a growing, living, bundle of cells in me wanting to live.  Can you tell she's never been pregnant?

Monday, February 6, 2012


You heard me.

I'm done.

Waiting For The Call

Oh I had some fun this morning.  I get over to Madigan hospital lab and I pull a number.  Its 0630 hrs.  I'm there early.  I'm #2 in line.

0700 hrs they start calling my numbers.  I get to the counter and present my ID card and tell the clerk its for a Beta HCG.  She doesn't even pay attention to me.  She prints out the lab request and hands it to me.  Next person is called up.

I look at my lab request sheet.  Its for an E2 level!  WTF?

My number for the lab gets called and I tell the tech that I have the wrong lab request in hand.  We go back up to the front desk and tell them what is wrong.  The clerk is oblivious to me and looks to the computer, the HCG beta was NEVER put in.

That's right!  My REI forgot to put in the system the test.  Now folks this isn't the first time they have done this with labs.  They've also done it with my medicines too.  I'm not sure who is lazy over there or forgetful but they need to work on this part of their paperwork.  Its find and dandy to do the procedure to transfer the embryo but if you hand the patient a sheet saying when the lab is to be drawn but then forget to put it into the system what good is the paper to the patient?

So J and I walked over to my clinic.  The lights were on but the door was locked.  We waited and waited and waited.  It seemed like forever.  I wanted to get my blood drawn and get home.  I wanted to get some breakfast before the marriage counseling session later this morning.

I ask J to go check on the door again.  Its still locked and he said he would head around back to the back entrance.  That door was unanswered.  He said he could here them moving about in there.  The door was unlocked so he waltzed in and back to the doctor's office.  Nurse Nasty see's J and she gets pissy.  He cuts her off and tells her about the situation.  She says she'll fix it right away.

Back to the lab I go.  I go to the head of the line.  I've been waiting long enough and there is no one really before me anyway.  I get a new number and wait.

Finally I get called up again.  This time its in the system.  Yay!  But the E2 is still on the draw too.  Oh well who cares now how much they take its all just one vial.

I still haven't tested at home.  Why bother.  If the numbers aren't high enough we all know its a chemical.  If they are high enough I'll find out later today when they decide to call me.  I swear they only call in the afternoon when its bad news.  They don't like giving out bad news.  Maybe I should call them?

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Still Not Testing

In keeping with my PUPO I'm not testing again today.  Nope I'm taking the rest of this off.  I still can't hold my pee for more than 2 hours and almost thought I'd wet myself today in church I had to pee so bad.

I'm not going to test at all.  I'm going to wait for the beta result.  I may go batty tomorrow waiting for the phone to ring with the results but either way I'll share the news with all of you.

Still no AF signs.  I still get slight headaches daily.  I'm still forgetful.  I still have a bit of constipation that is getting to be annoying.  I guess I'll have to eat even more fruit than I already do since if I ingest milk products and whole grains it goes the opposite way I don't want to get sick.  No its not just the lactose its the whey protein.  I've always had that allergy.

I actually felt like dressing up a bit more today for church and so J decided to put on dress pants and a nice shirt too.  No tie.  He hates wearing a tie unless its for his uniform.  I thought the cute Garfield tie would look nice today but no go there.  Oh he has plenty of ties from his days of office work as an engineer but now that he doesn't have to wear one often he prefers not to.  I suppose I could have pressured him to wear one but I'd rather not wear a tie either as I don't much like turtlenecks and anything strangulating my neck.

So here I sit.  No odd colorations are showing up on the Endometrin applicators so I guess that means no AF.  Yes, I'm really afraid that tomorrow I'll find out that I lost Hope.  I'd rather not think that, see the results or hear them and go on my blissfull way of ignorance.  But I have to face the facts when presented.

I do hope that I am still pregnant and that my beta is a good number tomorrow.  Its almost as if I'm gambling but in a way I am.  I'm fighting the odds associated with infertility.

Good luck to everyone that is trying to conceive this month.  I hope all of us get our dream's fulfilled.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Taking A Day Off

I decided I'd had enough of testing and worrying.  I'm not testing today.  Sure I could change brands of the test strips as I have another brand and two digital sticks too but I'm not doing any testing.  Why?  Because I can't hold my pee long enough!

I might break down tomorrow and ruin my morning before church to take a digital.  But I might decide to not take one at all.

Today I'll just take care of my needs and I might do some grocery shopping later if I feel up to it.

Symptoms for today so far:
  • Breast tenderness
  • Weight gain.  I gained back 0.6 lbs of the 0.8 I lost the day before.
  • Nausea
  • Slight headache
  • Mild back ache
  • plenty of mucus up and down.  I swear my nose is going to go raw here soon from blowing it.
  • my size 14 pants are now uncomfortable to wear.  That blows!
  • Bit of constipation but that goes hand in hand with my IBS.  I'll just make sure to keep eating my figs each day and I should be fine.
But, all in all, any of those symptoms could be pointing to a pending new cycle.  No spotting since that tiny bit two days ago.  No bleeding or smell of blood (yes I'm one of those that can smell a trace of when its going to start).

Other than J doing the laundry and shrinking a pair of my smaller sized 16 jeans in the dryer this week, I told him they go on the drying rack not in the dryer, I have nothing really to complain about.  Except the dreams.

Oh boy the dreams are getting weird.  I can remember bits and pieces of the ones I had last night and yesterday too.  This morning I woke up from a dog dream.  I was at my parents' house before the remodeling they did in the 70's and there were dogs everywhere.  Including cartoon dogs.  I was the only one that could see them and they were tripping other people up.  It was a humorous dream.  Another dream I had was that a doctor told me I was pregnant.  That was always nice to have for a dream.  Lets just hope that one turns out to be true.

J is taking on the responsibilities slowly.  I think slow is good.  We still aren't sure if he is going to be one of the soldiers that will deploy soon.  I'm hoping not but there is always that chance, especially when they announced at a meeting last month that they are sending the rest of the brigade.  I know when they leave but I'm not sure he is going to be on the list.  Not knowing and thinking about it will drive me batty.  I've got other things to think of right now, like staying pregnant and getting a good beta number on Monday.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Still Have Some Hope

I ate to my heart's content yesterday and weighed myself this morning.  I weigh myself every morning especially since my RE doctor told me I should since I bloat easily.  I lost 0.8 lbs and I pigged out and ate of the pig too.  I made Jaeger Schnitzel last night.

Yesterday I have to admit I let the test results get to me.  I shouldn't have but I did.  I know its still early and this morning's two tests were no different either.  It seems as though my hormones peak in the later afternoon early evening time frame, just before I take my last Endometrin of the day.  I consistently take my Endometrin at 0400 hrs, 1200 hrs and 2000 hrs, 8 hours apart to keep the hormone in my system at its peak.

By late in the afternoon I was cramping again, weepy, cranky, full of snot in the nose and vaginal area, and had really sore breasts.  Again this morning very little to no symptoms and my breast which are slightly sore are back to the normal size.

According the to the test strip site for the W.ondfo's I'm currently using I'm only going to get my really strong positive line on Sunday.  Even today I'd only have a 33.5% chance of seeing a faint positive.  Count Down To Pregnancy Test

But with the cramps last night came a little bit of disturbing color.  I passed a bit of brown no bigger than my pinky nail, which is cut short because it broke off the other day.  Nothing to be seen for residue on the endometrin stick after inserting either.  Nothing today for color.  But when the cramps started yesterday I put my feet up and they subsided until I stood up again.

Either AF will be here in a few days or Hope is snuggling in for a long growth spurt.  I'm really praying its the later because I don't think I could take another miscarriage.

J has been told by me that I'm now not going to lift a finger until I get the Beta results.  Last night was the last night I'm cooking dinner as it was during the finalizing of making said dinner that the cramps were the worst.  He is under enough stress and I don't want to add to it but I too need to count right now. 

J wasn't put on the list for this month's promotion board since he didn't tell them he wanted to go nor remind them.  Its called an ARMY OF ONE for a darn good reason.  When you enlist you are on your own when trying to get a thing done including getting promoted.  No one wants to stick their neck out for you now.  Its a shame too, it wasn't like that in my Dad's day.

So yes, I'm primarily on bed rest.  I was told by the RE staff to take it easy, and  if I was in pain to stop what I was doing and go put my feet up.  I hate being high risk but if I get a baby out of this its worth it.