Friday, April 29, 2011

Weekend Plans and Promises

I didn't have a whole lot of sleep last night.  No its not because of the Royal Wedding Of William and Catherine.  Congratulations to the newly wedded Duke and Duchess of Cambridge!  I only watched about an hour of it this morning when I got up at my usual time.  It was back to bed for me afterwards in the hopes that the pain would subside long enough to get more sleep.  However the morning phone calls and construction workers at my door prevented me from gaining more sleep.  I'm about ready to flush the phone down the drain.

I'm revving up for ovulation.  Ovulation could make my ovarian cysts enlarge more though I'm hoping that it won't which is rather stupid because I've been told what can and most likely will happen if I ovulate on my own this cycle.  So the stabbing pain in my groin started in last evening.  At times it was causing me to clutch my groin area and groan. 

My husband and I have special plans for this weekend.  I can't afford to be in pain.  I so want to have these weekend plans and we need them for our couples bonding.   But I just found out that J has CQ duty tonight.  He had no idea until he was about ready to come home for lunch.  Oh joy!  He's been wondering when he'd have it next.  He's been wondering where the schedule has been hidden.  Now I'm wondering why they didn't tell him earlier this week so we could have changed our plans in advance of the weekend. 

We made some pretty important promises to each other for this weekend and now he's going to be too tired to see them through.  We thought about going on a movie date.  There is a free movie playing on post this Saturday that J has been wanting to see called Thor so I'm guessing we'll have to put that off because I know darn well he is going to be way too tired to do anything after CQ duty but sleep.  Can't see as I blame him either after having to stay up for more than 24 hours.

J feels bad about our promises and that he won't be able to keep them.  Sometimes what we do affects others as well and I really hope there will be no hurt feelings all around if the plans do crumble.  I tried, he tried.  Still it might all happen according to plan but I can certainly say that J will be very tired as will I, from so many sleepless night due to the pain.

On a sad note pertaining to one of my flower beds, the construction workers threw some boards into my flower bed killing off my white and blue morning glories and the red sunflowers I grew from seed.  After contacting their  project manager he said he'd make them fix it.  Well someone showed up today and said the boards did no damage.  Okay sure whatever.  I closed the front door and said FML and went back to bed.  Plant killing hurts me when I grew them from seeds.  They are my babies too.  It seems to be the only thing of mine that will grow of late and it means even more to me because I'm infertile.  So when some idiot treats my personal property like their scrap yard I become insulted and with good reason.  They killed my seedlings!  I had such hope for the little climbers and tall sunflowers.  I transplanted them with care.  All for naught.  Its so aggravating.  I could even picture my morning glories climbing over the fence in full growth and blooming oh so prettily.  But now there will be nothing.  No patriotic garden this year.  They even killed off my tomato seedlings leaving the boot print for evidence behind.  So much for their promise to make sure they didn't damage my garden.  Their fix was today to take some red plastic Danger tape and put it up across the garden area.  Too little too late!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Fun Day and Personal Time

That's me as a baby.  I swear its true that my mouth is still open and I'm always talking when given the chance.  But....

Right now I need some time.  Today I'm going to go support my spouse with his Fun Day, mandatory mind you, activities.  This morning he started off with a 12 mile ruck march.  Family members were invited but alas my sciatica was acting up yesterday making movement rather painful and at times almost not possible.  I'm a bit better today but still will be using my cane to walk about the day's course of activities.

Tomorrow I'm not sure there will be a blog posting.  So much is planned for tomorrow of a personal nature.  Its mainly going to be a day of paperwork.  Social Security office, passport office, new ID card, FLC (family life center), shopping for Mothers' Day cards and I know there is something else on that list that I gave J but I don't know where he put the list.  Usually I lose my lists because I forget where I put them.  But with any luck he has this particular list upon his person, somewhere.  I just hope it didn't get too soggy since his ruck march was done in the rain.

Yes they have ponchos but unless they are given the order to done them they have to stay in the uniform of the day.  I have hope that he was allowed to put his on as at one point I called him to inform him of a newly scheduled appointment for tomorrow only to try to hear him talking through his PRO mask.  Sounded a bit like he was talking through a muffler.  By muffler I'm talking about the old fashioned scarf type of muffler not the car's muffler though its probably doing a similar job.

Time for me to hit the road.  Hope everyone has a decent day.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sick, No Long Post Today

Not feeling well at all today.

Lot of pain and some nausea.

Rather not receive any more phone calls today so that I can relax. 

Hope tomorrow will be better.

Didn't get to sleep until after 0630 hrs and woke up several time over the morning for various reasons including phone calls.  Thank you to those that called, it was nice to hear from you but I'm going to turn off the ringer now.

Finally got out of the bed at about 1300hrs.  It took me 20 minutes to just rise from the bed and that was with much pain and a lot of difficulty.  Its a mix of a bad fibromyalgia day and the ovarian cyst pain.

I'd rather not have another night like last night where I mopped the floors in the house and did two loads of laundry just with the intent of ignoring the fact that I was in intense pain.

Oh and I'm free of all pain killers now for just over 36 hours.  Yup I'm without pain meds.  We'll just see how I fair in another day.

Right now I'd just like to go lay back down.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Sock Love

I love socks.  When I saw a pair on another blogger's blog I knew I had to buy the socks.  She was buying them for a friend that was going through infertility treatments.  Its true that having a nice pair of socks can help cheer me up when I have to be poked, prodded and told information by my RE that I'd rather not hear.  Its not like the socks will change the outcome of the exam, but they will make me feel a bit more cheery as I wait through the exam.

So after some online searching I found the socks.  I wanted them badly enough to purchase two pairs in two different colors.  I love how these cowgirl boot design socks fit.  They fit my heavy calf muscles quite well.  My legs swell easily being off the water pills.  They are quite comfortable and the top band does not bind.  I love how they look just like cowgirl boots right down to the stitching and the contoured cuff.  I see my RE often enough to warrant more than one pair.  I purchased them in the tan and the pink.

My next ultrasound is the 2nd of May.  I'm actually looking forward to this appointment and putting my cowgirl sock/boot covered feet into the stirrups.  I'm hoping to hear good news.  If I get good news this time around I might just make these my lucky socks. 

The pain is lessening on my left side.  Maybe the tennis ball sized cyst is going down.  The grapefruit sized cyst on my right ovary is still giving me that gasp of pain feeling letting me know its there and that I am too.  Got to love pain.  Pain always lets you know that you are still alive.

If you want to buy the socks here is the website:

Friday, April 22, 2011

Grand Illusions and Self Pity

This morning I woke up with a strange urge.  I wanted to go to the mall.  I detest almost all forms of shopping.  My thoughts of a mall trip were probably influenced by my cousin L's recent shopping splurges online and the dream I had last night.

I've been having a lot of vivid dreams of late.  Last night two stuck out the most.  The first was that I was a teenager again and living at home with my folks.  There were rules living there and with those rules not much fun was to be had.

I remember dreaming about my friend J last night and how she always had fun breaking the rules.  I wanted to be like her.  I wanted to be able to just take off and go to the mall without my parents permission.  I was a kid that always followed the rules and rarely got into trouble.  I wanted to have fun but was afraid of the repercussion if I did break one rule.

First pity trip of the night was knowing how much I was a slave to my parents.  Knowing how much I missed out on being a kid.  I suddenly realized why my grandparents were always wanting me to come spend the night at their house and now knowing that I feel terrible.  My grandparents knew my life at home wasn't what it should have been.  I was afraid to go to their place as they raised my father and if my dad was this terrible person to me then they must have been worse.  Well that was my logic.  My grandparents were never the type to mistreat me or my brother.  No they were the typical type of grandparents that wanted to spoil us.  I just lived in terror of leaving my house for fear of being mistreated by neglecting  my chores.  I was always to blame for my mom's bad moods and her pms.  I was to blame for my dad not being happy because my mom was angry.  The dream was self pity.  If I had the chance to redo certain aspects of my childhood I think I would have spent more time with my grandparents and more time with my friends at the mall being that typical teenager.

Second vivid dream of the night.  My husband purchased two race cars.  One from the early years of NASCAR racing and the other from the mid 70's.  The older of the two only needed minor work but the newer needed an almost total rebuild.  Our friend B was there helping J out with the cars.  They went off and raced them, unregistered and got arrested.  I'm at the police station paying the fine when the copper ring I was wearing in the dream fell off and changed into a kitten then into a baby.

Pity trip number two.  It was my fault because I didn't do the paperwork in the dream so they got arrested.  Somehow I always find myself to blame for something.  I need to stop blaming myself for everything that goes wrong.  I guess that is because in my childhood I was always told I was doing everything wrong and screwing up the family unit or something akin to the cause of family dysfunction. 

The kitten and the baby part are rather obvious to me.  I've been putting off getting a cat because if I get pregnant and J deploys who will help me empty the litter box?  If we get a cat then move soon its going to be difficult on the cat with the move.  I've done Army moves with my cat, Jasper may he rest in peace, before and he did not take well to travel and had to be sedated.  I think I should have been too.

The baby part is a smack in the face that I know I must admit to defeat upon.  I think we waited to late.  The baby in the dream was running away from me each time I went to pick it up.  Big self pity trip there.  On this one particular aspect I am to blame.  I should have stood up to our marriage sooner and stated my wants and needs clearly.  This is something that can't be fixed easily.  I can't let the guilt eat at me either.  Nor can I just ignore this want.

On a really bright note it looks as though my neighbors from Oh Poop and Drama Queen are moving out.  YAY!  Seeing the U-haul in their driveway across the street last night was a joy.  Even better, though I shouldn't take joy from this but can you say KARMA?, was Rent-a-Center showing up and announcing that they were there to repossess their stuff.  I hate to see anyone fall on hard times but really Karma out did itself this time for me.  What goes around comes around.  I was nice and gave to them on many occasions when they'd told me they would return the favor. They chose to poop on our friendship.  I'll be waving goodbye to them with a smile on my face when the last load leaves and their name is taken off the dwelling.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Calm Waters

Again I find myself sitting in my home office with not much to say.  I search frantically in my mind for ideas but not one stands out from the other.  Concentrating on typing out my emotions does not give me a sense of satisfaction instead it just leads to yet another boring blog post.  But that is okay.  My life doesn't always have to be full of sunshine and rainbows.  I don't have to find drama to type about when there is only calm.  Calm is good too.

Not much of any great significance is going on at present.  My husband is trying to get new references for his OCS packet so he can submit it before the next field training.  I'm researching small projects and still working on my woven blanket for charity.  We are both waiting for my ovarian cysts to reduce in size so that we can once again start the fertility treatments.

I'm waiting, though not very patiently, for the weather to warm up.  We had a small warm spell and I put my seedlings out into the flower beds.  The tomatoes, marigolds, three nasturtiums, a few red sunflowers and a couple of pepper plants have died off.  It could have been the sudden hail storm or the one night temperatures dropped to freezing.  Its colder than normal this time of year here in Washington.  Maybe in a few weeks I can purchase some plants and put them out there without fear of them dying off.  I hate seeing my hard work die so quickly.  Gardening keeps my mind off my infertility issues.  At least with gardening I can make things grow and produce unlike my body.  Its a bit therapeutic.

My next cycle is almost upon me.  Not much longer now.  My husband doesn't like the idea that I want to have sex and risk the cysts rupturing or twisting just because I might be ovulating in about two weeks.  Two weeks gives my cysts more time to go down.  I can hope. Right?

I keep reminding myself that I don't need the clomiphene citrate to ovulate or get pregnant.  I might just yet release that perfect egg on my own and get it fertilized.  It does happen.  I have age related infertility issues.  The eggs are there and plentiful just not good quality.  Eventually I will have to accept the fact that I might never become a mother.  It isn't the end of my life.  Having a child isn't everything.  But it would be nice to be blessed with a child or two.

So I've come to the end of my boring blog post.  Today its calm.  Just the normal noises of construction in my neighborhood.  I was woken up by jack hammering on the road.  This is going to be quite normal until July.  July will bring a bit more peace to the neighborhood.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Food To Cry Over

Yesterday I slaved over the stove to create a meal that J would love but had never had before, well at least not cooked by me.  J has had plenty of manicotti, the frozen cheese type, in his lifetime and has enjoyed none of it.  With a bit of cajoling I made him agree to give mine a try. 

See I make mine from scratch.  Mine is not just cheese but beef and onion are added in as well.  I took my time making it yesterday and spent 1.5 hours on just the prep work and another 30 minutes on baking it in the oven.  Yes I even grated by hand my cheeses.  It was worth it.

J said that this was the best manicotti he has ever had and was sorry that he didn't have me make it sooner.  He said he had tears in his eyes from the joy of the flavors in his mouth.  That brought tears to my eyes as well because I knew the pain of standing so long to make this dish was worth it, finally!

Unfortunately I won't be going back for seconds on this dish.  I have a tomato allergy.  I love trying to ignore it but the reverse peristalsis always reminds me that I'm not supposed to be eating tomatoes or tomato products.  Will I ever learn?  Probably not.

J took several of the manicotti with him this morning in his dog bowl, think Jacob Black, to have for his lunch at work.  He loves his dog bowl and he loves my manicotti.  All is well in the world.

Today I plan on baking a batch of oatmeal scotchies for him and his co-workers at the COF.  I've made the cookies for other people and his old civilian engineering office years ago.  The cookies were always a favorite of his grandmother too.  She couldn't wait for me to get them out of the oven.

My pain level is still about the same.  I'm not sleeping much and am up about every 30 minutes during the night.  Not much to be done about that.

OCS application update.  J went to sick call this morning to get the new medical paperwork done. Turns out S1 isn't so smart and the paperwork is good for two years.  Ugh!  So the only thing that actually expired in his packet were the references of which he started collecting during his deployment.  With any luck he'll have most of them in hand by the end of next week so that he can re-submit his packet.  Wish him luck.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Life: An Update

Life is always bringing me changes.  Some I can handle quite easily, others I just want to smack someone for dropping on my doorstep.  The later has been most of those of late.

J comes home last night with his OCS packet.  He has to re do the entire packet.  Why when S1 went over it with him months ago before he submitted it?  Well its because of the long field exercise.  His packet sat at S1 the entire length of the exercise and documents expired.  All his hard work, heck my hard work too as I helped in the gathering together of some of those documents, went to the circular file.  I told him if only he'd done this when I first suggested it wouldn't have hit the expiration.  Oh well, its done.  Starting over with phone calls for references last night.  Maybe he'll have it all together in two weeks time.  I hope.

I've gained five pounds.  I stepped ever so gingerly onto the scale yesterday morning only to see tilt.  Okay so it didn't say tilt but it should have with the numbers I saw.  The ovarian cysts aren't going down.  I'm gaining weight and eating less.  I'm full easily with the cysts pressing on my organs.  The pain is now above the naval.  Last week the pain was still only below the naval.  This indicates to me that they are not reducing.  Great.  I'm rationing my percocet to just one a night.  I have enough left now to last until Thursday night if I'm careful. 

During the day I take acetaminophen with the hopes that it will take the edge off most of the pain.  It never does.  I did some more research on the ovarian cysts.  There is absolutely nothing they can do to reduce the size of them except for surgery.  I'd rather not have surgery.  I don't like taking the risk of an infection.  Staph infections happen more often then we realize.  So here I sit whining and complaining about the pain.

Now I can complain more because life just sucks more.  I'm alive I know this because of the pain.  I don't want pity, I want sex.  Did I just say that?  Yes!  No sex makes me grouchy.  I should be used to not getting sex being an Army Wife.  But when the husband is home I'd like to make up for all that time when he is gone.  No sex of any sort because a woman's orgasm causes the uterus to elevate and shake.  We aren't allowed any jiggling movements or so says the doctor.  No sex he says.   Again I say, "Life sucks".

We finally have a bit of nice weather here.  Its cold but not raining.  Well its not raining yet.  I'd love to go out for a walk but the pain keeps me inside.  I think I'd go outside if I had a hot tub but that is about it.  Okay maybe if there was a trail of unopened chocolates leading me down the street I might budge from the house.  But only if the chocolates led up to a bottle of narcotics.  Geez make me sound like a druggy doesn't it? 

Two more weeks until my next ultrasound.  A few days after that I get my dental work done.  Had to wait until there was no fear of me being pregnant.  Mid May I have my MRI.  I'm going to glow in the dark from all the radiation.

On the subject of female issues, another blogger pointed out the feminine napkin and tampon commercials as being unrealistic.  I have to agree with her on that one.  How many of my female readers, during that time of the month go hiking with no toilet on a trail.  How many go sky diving?  How many plan taking a cruise in search of that special guy?  Really now!  I mean how come they don't show the truth?  How about showing a female shouting at the man in her life.  Maybe show her drowning her PMS in ice cream, chips and chocolate?  How about showing her crying because yet again she didn't conceive and the pain is bad both emotionally and physically? 

Yes, I realize that stuff most likely will scare men off from women who expect us to be those "fake" females that love to do outdoor sports during that time of the month.  I realize that products probably won't get sold if the truth were shown on tv.  But I'd like to see some truth in advertising and none of this "have a happy period"  bs.

I'm crabby.  I'm unhappy that all my vacation plans have gone out the window due to high gas prices.  I'm unhappy that I'm not pregnant.  I'm unhappy that I'm in pain.  I guess they only thing that is making me truly happy right now is that I know I'm loved even when I'm not the best person to hang with.  Love really does make a difference even when I'd like to rip someone's head off.

I'm alive, I'm able to do things to take care of me, I'm capable of giving and receiving love.  Life isn't so bad.  But it could be better.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Marriage: The Three Legged Race

Every night my husband and I try to make time to talk to one another without distractions such at eating, television, computer games.  Its quality time for one another.  Time that we spend getting to know one another and what are our plans for the next day.

Last night I came to a startling realization, our marriage is a three legged race and I feel like I'm the only one in that darn rubber band.  I spoke a bit harshly last night.  I was tired of my spouse sitting on the sidelines with me and the Army carrying the burden of decision making.  Marriage is a participation sport.  We have to help one another to that finish line.

Wait a minute, there is a finish line?  Yes unfortunately every marriage has a finish line.  Some finish sooner than others but the goal is "until death do us part".  Some chose to cut the rubber band early and go for a divorce.  Others just sit idly by and watch as the other spouse struggles to make all the decisions and carry the load thus dragging the person they love so darn much along with them.

With my analogy last night I realized that my spouse has been sitting on the sidelines.  Its so easily done when the job gets in the way.  The Army can get in the way.  The Army can take over a marriage and destroy it if you let it.  I'm always checking up to make sure that it doesn't get into bulldozer mode and wreck our marriage.

A three legged race is all about sacrifices, balance, support and reaching that common goal.  If one person goes too fast the other will stumble and fall.  If one person tries to go off in another direction the other will get dragged along and no one likes road rash.  If something comes between you and adds friction to your rubber band, IE: The Army and infertility, then you must slow down and evaluate its reason for being there.  The balance part comes in when the other person needs more support.  So you put your arm around them and hold them close knowing that the two of you will make it to the end.

My illness, the ovarian cysts, is causing some conflict.  Our vacation plans for Yellowstone look like they are off the table entirely.  I can't walk that far around the park in this amount of pain.  J's training is becoming an issue too making our vacation window smaller.  Gas prices are eating at our budget for vacation.  So we are now making plans to possibly go on a cruise.  Not to some hot spot.  No, just a small cruise to some place nearby.  If our plans collapse further it might just become a ferry boat ride.  But what ever happens we'll make it work.

The Army won't always be in our three legged race, nor will the fertility issues.  Children though always a part of us, if we can have some, won't always live with us either.  Its just J and I in that rubber band.  We are in this adventure together exploring the race course.  Life is the adventure and we are going to live it together.

Pain update.  About 0630 hrs my ovarian cyst pain hit a crescendo and I yelped in pain.  I was doing absolutely nothing but laying in bed.  Many more of those and I'll have to head to the Emergency Room.  I really don't want to lose either of my ovaries.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Waiting With Frail Hope

Grey clouds stroll
By the sun has yet to
Shine my inner light.


So many thoughts enter my mind
On puffy white clouds,
                                                                                    On dark grey clouds,
                                                                                    On thin wispy streaks.
                                                                                    Where to seek,
                                                                                    Where to go,
                                                                                    What to do and
                                                                                    Yet I sit and wait.

                                                                                   The pain will pass,
                                                                                   The cysts will shrink but
                                                                                   How long must I wait?
                                                                                   I wait.

                                                                                   I wonder,
                                                                                  Will I ever conceive?
                                                                                  Did I wait too long?

The fertility issue is mine and mine alone but not my burden to carry alone.  Just the other day J told me he was sorry that he asked me to wait so long to start our family when he was ready.  Did we wait too long?  Maybe.  I still have eggs and they are plentiful.  I'm not likely to run out any time soon.  The fertility issue is one of age.  My eggs are old and the quality ones are now a rare find.

Do I still have a chance?  My doctor thinks so but its going to cost us dear and there is still no guarantee.

Now I sit and wait while women 'round me swell with life.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

What Do A Grapefruit And A Tennis Ball Have In Common?

What do a grapefruit and a tennis ball have in common?  Well for me its my right and left ovaries.

Today I had not just one internal ultra sound but two and a pelvic scan done.  I have two ovarian cysts now.  Dr. B explained to me that the one on the right ovary is 9 cm in size or about the size of a  grapefruit.  The one on the left is smaller at about 6.7 cm and the size of a tennis ball for easy understanding. 

Did I mention how much pain I've been in this week?  Oh and to add more pain but this one mental the pregnancy test is a BFN (big fat negative).

Dr. B still has hope for me.  He says I have plenty of eggs left.  So we are now thinking that IVF (invitro fertilization) might be a good option and damn the consequences to our savings account.  We are also considering EA (embryo adoption).  Believe it or not EA is less expensive than IVF.

J really wants a child of his own genetics, I guess I do too.  EA is still safe up to the age of 45 so I have some time left I found out thanks to the wonderful nurse M.  M even printed out for me information from a website on EA.  Truly I love the idea.  I'd still get the chance to have a pregnancy and adopt but all in one sweet cooing package. 

Maybe if we have one of our own genetically soon we'll do EA for the second one.  I love children.  I'd love to have several but financially its just not possible.

So okay back to the ovarian cysts.  The sharp pain just reminded me of my topic.  I was stupid the other night and ignored the pain I was in.  With fibromyalgia and back problems I'm always in some sort of pain.  Dr. B said next time I get that pain to go directly to the Emergency Department.  I didn't realize I could lose an ovary out of this deal.  I really don't want that to happen.

Dr. B wanted to put me on birth control pills for at minimum of one cycle possibly three.  I told him I'd be willing to do it and would deal with the migraines that I get from birth control pills.  Once he heard I get migraines he said he wasn't going to put me on the birth control pills.  They would possibly have helped since they would prevent the FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and LH (lutenizing  hormones) from further stimulating follicles.  Oh and I'm off sex until further notice too.  That I think hurts the most.  No sex.  Dr. B also said no trampolines or jiggling movements which of course gave me some splendid ideas but I won't go into those here.  He is worried about the torsion more so than a cyst rupturing.  By the way the cysts are growing large enough to push behind the uterus and press against my intestines which is causing all my back pain.  It hurts to sit, stand and even lay down. 

Dr. B decided to prescribe me percocet for the pain.  He prescribed me enough for two days worth or twelve pills.  Since I hate taking narcotics I'll most likely take them only before bed.  For now I want to be alert.  I like have coherent thoughts.

Poor J is going to be stuck with the majority of the housework if bending is causing me any pain.  But he is okay with that, or so he says now.  He spoke with Dr. B and said he wanted to make sure I had no wiggle room around the  instructions because I always find a loop hole to get done what needs to be done when he isn't around.  So yeah, I'm not allowed to do much of anything for a while.  I'm going to go nuts by Monday.

If you are reading this and live in my area come visit me.  I'm now the sick friend that isn't allowed out to play for fear of injury.    I really wish I had a hot tub.  I could use one right now.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Ovarian Cyst Pain, Please Go Away!

Right now I'm waiting for a phone call from my Infertility doctor so that I can get in to be seen today, tomorrow or at the very least Friday.  My only other option would be the ER.  Even though I'm in a lot of pain I don't want to go to the ER.  Why?  Well its because you don't get to see the doctor that you need to see.  More often than not at the MTF (military treatment facility)  you only get to see a PA.  Really do I want a PA applying pressure to my pelvis trying to figure out if its an ovarian cyst or appendicitis?  Especially when half of them don't want to listen to the patient when they know they've been previously diagnosed with the ovarian cyst and only16 days ago?

My pain level right now is about a 7 on the scale, I'd consider it an improvement .  36 hours ago my pain was at level 10 and I was sorely tempted to go to the ER.  I felt something twist in my pelvis.  I almost screamed but it came out as more of a groan from a dying person.  I kid you not.  See screaming involves, at some time in the cycle, taking a deep breath with the muscles contracting.  I didn't scream because taking a deep breath inflicts more pain.  Sitting inflicts pain.  Laying down inflicts pain.  Oh I give up.

At this point I've taken just about a days worth of acetaminophen, since 1400 hrs PST, and its barely taken the edge off the pain.  Now I'm waiting for my doctor to give me a call back.  I spoke with the nurse yesterday and this morning.  They are trying to get me in to be seen.  They want to do some labs.  They want to rule out an ectopic pregnancy.  I may only be at cycle day 21 but I'm now 13 days passed ovulation.  I ovulate early.

We didn't do an IUI this cycle as they weren't sure I'd be ovulating with the cyst being 2 inches across on day 6 of my cycle.  They even told me to not take the last dose of my clomiphene citrate.  They did see a few follicles getting ready for ovulation but felt that the cyst was too big and would possibly prevent ovulation.  Okay so did I.  But just in case I took the OPK (ovulation prediction kit) two days running starting the next day.  Second day of taking it I got my two lines.  I was good to go. 

Could I be pregnant now?  I could be since anything is possible, even at my age. 

Do I have doubts that I am?  Yes.

Right now I just have to take it easy.  I hate being lazy.  I hate sitting around.  I hate waiting for results.  But I have no choice.  Its nearing lunch time for the doctors.  Hopefully I'll hear back from them this afternoon.  Meanwhile I'm going to grab the novel I'm almost done reading and curl up as best as I can with the pain and relax.

We'll see what happens next.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Workers' Compensation Glitch

This morning I proceeded with the appointment to get a prescription for physical therapy out of network.  Lights were flickering in the clinic and the power went out several times.  No hard charts which is rather lousy.  Seems as though they've all been sent away to St. Louis or some place like it.  Why?  Well the military wants to rely upon technology only.  Rather annoying when they have no power.  I think they should keep those charts handy.  But no. 

Dr. G asked me what I did for a job.  I told him I was a homemaker.  He said that is a hard enough job.  He is right it is.  I get very little compensation and very few thank you's for my job.  I have to be satisfied when my spouse and company enjoys my home, food, and hospitality.  I take pride in keeping my house clean and making sure there is food on the table when we sit down to eat.  So its really nice to have a physician finally say that it is a hard job and not suggest that I get a job out of the house.

I didn't get the prescription.  Seems as though there is a federal law prohibiting the military medical providers from giving me a prescription for physical therapy with the Workers' Compensation.  My doctor called up the people who are willing to deal with my case here.  He explained quite nicely to the secretary why he couldn't give me the script.  So now I'm back to square one.  I tried to explain to the people here that it couldn't be done through the military but they didn't listen.  Or perhaps they turned a blind eye and actually knew but figured they'd not tell me.

So while at the office of Dr. G I was able to be seen for my neck injury which is not Workers' Compensation related.  My arms have been going numb for no good reason.  I have damage to my neck, this I know from previous MRIs.  But I guess he saw or felt something during the exam because he ordered a full spinal MRI.  But because I might be pregnant he told me to wait.

I'll know in about a week if I can get the MRI.  I rather hope I don't get the MRI as I'd rather be pregnant but with this ovarian cyst I have my doubts. 

Last night, while trying to get into the bed my cyst twisted.  Yeah that hurt.  I just about screamed in pain.  Its akin for guys of having someone twist one of their testicles and for you women that have never had an ovarian cyst twist on you, well its like having someone grabbing a hold of one of your breasts and twisting it hard.  Its quite painful.  I told J I would call the infertility clinic today and tell them what happened.  I'll get around to it later.  I just don't like being poked and prodded.  I'm tired.  Sleep is alluding me due to pain.  Pain that I can't take bloody thing for to make it go away!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Out Of State Workers' Compensation Problems

Tomorrow I have to head over to my MTF (military treatment facility) to get a prescription allowing me to have physical therapy out of network.  I'd rather have it within the network as it would be so much easier to just do physical therapy on post.  Alas, I have to follow the rules of the New York State Workers' Compensation Board.  I have to go outside of my network because the military doctors do not want to send reports to my lawyer about my case.

Working with the PIN (Peoples Injury Network) here in Washington State I was informed that I need to have a prescription before being allowed to see a physical therapist out of my network.  My New York State lawyer informed me that I don't need that prescription.  Washington State laws are a bit more complicated than New York if I need a prescription first before treatment.  It doesn't matter that I have a special insurance card for my workers' compensation.  It doesn't matter that I've already been established in another state.  It is another state and the laws are different.

So tomorrow I have to waste a precious appointment slot to see my PCM (primary care manager) in order to get a blasted script for the workers' compensation.  Why am I even bothering?  Well I've not been paid in almost three years.  I'd like to get my weekly amount of $40.00 again.  Its not much but it does help pay for gas.  I'll also be paid mileage to and from doctor's and physical therapy sessions.  I might also be pain free for a few days if they do the physical therapy properly.  I have my doubts on being pain free.

Really I'd rather just be left alone.  I don't like going to see doctors.  Latest statistics have shown that 1 out of every 3 hospital visits something goes wrong.  I don't like those odds.  The less I have to be seen by the medical professionals the better for me.

I'm still in a great deal of pain from the ovarian cyst.  It hurts to sit, it hurts to lay down, it hurts to stand.  Nothing to be done.  The cyst is causing more back pain issues too.  I'm so not looking forward to that doctor's appointment tomorrow where I'll be poked and prodded.

Wish me luck.

Friday, April 8, 2011

No Pay, But Yet They Work, They Fight, They Love

I'm not sure if the budget will get passed as of the posting of this blog.  I am offended at the possibility of our military not getting paid.

Congress has let me down yet again.  I'm not sure what they have ever really done for me except to make sure I'm not allowed to do stuff.

The world will continue on with its fighting.

Babies will continue to be born.

Our military will continue to go to work each and every day without fail and without pay.  They will continue to love their country, flag and family.

Congress and President Obama will continue to do their jobs but with pay.  I'm thinking that this is just isn't right.  Maybe we should send Congress and Obama to the front lines since they are continuing to collect their pay checks?  I'm sure I'm not the first person to think of this but I'm saying it to the world right now.  I'm not happy with my government.

Military, when paid, are paid at the poverty line.  Many a military member of E-4 pay grade has a family which includes more often than not a child or two or three or more besides a wife.  Most live pay check to pay check.  Most are struggling with credit and trying to establish themselves.  Many will fail if not paid.  Many will go without food.  Eventually with fuel being a priority over food so that the military can continue to go to work, since they are required to do so, the funds for fuel will run out.  Picture the military walking mile after mile after mile just to go to work on an empty stomach and a mind full of grief.  Grief because they have starving family members at home.  But still they will go to work.

Congress is protected under the 27th Amendment.  They will continue to get paid while my husband will go without pay.  Often the pay check is the only reward and recognition a soldier will receive for all his or her sacrifices.

Here's to our heroes!  I applaud you all in our struggles for freedom.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

No Pay, No Infertility Treatments, No Extras, No Necessities Either

I'm an Army Wife so my ears have been tuned to the news that the government will be shutting down as of tomorrow if a budget isn't passed.  Will I think it will happen?  Well I didn't before but now I think its a distinct possibility.

Here is a link to a news article from USA Today on that very subject.  I am reading in this particular article something that really shouldn't surprise me but somehow it still does.  Congress and Obama will still get paid if the government gets shut down.  How is this fair?  If the rest of the government won't get paid why should they?

No pay for J would mean that we'd not be able to continue to afford those out of pocket infertility treatments.  They aren't cheap and with our budget being slashed to only essentials its something we'd have to go without.  Forget about saving up for the IVF treatments which run about eight thousand dollars.

No pay would mean that J would not receive his clothing allotment this month.  Its a yearly stipend of a really small amount that the US Army pays to its soldiers so that they can afford to replace worn out gear.  Its so small that it means he can barely get one pair of combat boots, a pair of trousers, jacket, a pack of t-shirts and possibly a pack of socks.

No pay would mean that there would be no more date nights, though of late their haven't been many of those with his schedule.  It would mean we'd eat at home and those meals would be trimmed of all extras too.

No pay would mean that J wouldn't be able to come home after morning PT for breakfast.  He wouldn't be able to come home for lunch.  Gas is way too expensive to be wasting it on such things as going home for food. 

I'm sure this couldn't last too long.  I mean how would Obama deal with all the guilt he has to obviously feel knowing that his government employees are going without food.  Or did he forget that the majority of the government employees now live pay check to pay check.

I wonder if we could cut our government budget if we made Mrs. Obama cook the food for the entire family and visiting diplomats?  I wonder if we could cut out President Obama's vacation fund?  Ooh I wonder if we could make him pay for his own travel expenses?   

I think I'd pay a small admission fee just to see the Obama's live off a welfare food allowance for four people for one month and entertain on that allowance.  Do you think they'd get tired of eating spaghetti with no meat sauce?

I'd like to see President Obama pay the utilities bills for a month on his wages.  I'd like to see President Obama pay for the fuel for his transportation for one month out of his own pay.  He obviously needs his pay to do those things, right?  Seriously what does he pay for that he feels he needs to have his income not stopped?  Is he afraid his credit rating will plummet?  Is he so deeply in debt that he owes creditors?  I doubt it.

The President could have volunteered to not get paid until the budget gets passed.  He knew he had nothing to risk knowing that he and Congress will always get paid because its in the 27th Amendment.  

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

PETA Responds To My Email

Yesterday I emailed PETA about how insensitive they were to have a contest on the same week and in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week whereby the winner of the contest receives a vasectomy free of charge.

This is the email that I sent to Ingrid Newkirk:
Dear Madam:

I am infertile.  I am outraged that your organization would think that offering up a contest to win a vasectomy would honor infertility awareness week. 

Do you even know what it is like to be infertile and want a child knowing that you might never conceive a child of your own?

Perhaps you should remove that contest or at least the part of honoring infertility awareness week link.

It would be best to offer up to those of us in support of infertility awareness week a chance to win a cycle of IVF treatments.  Or just donate to the infertility awareness website.

I really hope that you never suffer from infertility.  I hope you that if you have children when they decide to have children you never know what its like to not continue on your genetics.  Its hard on the parents of infertile couples too.

I won't say more as it might offend.

an infertile female hoping for a cure

This is their apology of sorts and long response emailed back to me:

Dear Ms. P, ( I removed my last name)
Thank you for contacting PETA about our contest offering a free vasectomy. We apologize if our contest has offended you as it was not our intent. We meant no offense, especially to those who are struggling to conceive. Please know that there are many people who wish to be sterilized—it’s those people that we’re aiming to reach. To learn more about this contest, please go to
Since the best way to prevent animal companions from having unwanted litters is to spay and neuter them, a kind PETA member offered to cover the cost of a vasectomy for one compassionate man who wants to get himself “snipped” just like his furry friend. While humans can manage their reproductive urges and make informed choices, dogs and cats can’t—we must take responsibility for them. In addition, men are often particularly reluctant to neuter male dogs—a ridiculous hesitation given that Fido won’t notice the change and will be healthier for it.
We know that this offer might raise a few eyebrows, but it will also raise awareness by generating the kind of media coverage of the cat and dog overpopulation crisis that money could never buy. Please know that in addition to our more outrageous actions, PETA also educates the public about the need to spay and neuter through pamphlets, billboards, letters to the editor, ads, articles, public demonstrations, and humane education in schools. We also put our words into action: PETA’s three mobile spay-and-neuter clinics have performed tens of thousands of low-cost and free sterilizations in southeastern Virginia and northeastern North Carolina. Since starting our first mobile clinic in 2001, we have sterilized more than 67,000 animals, including 10,500 in 2010 alone.
As you know, PETA works very hard to prevent the births of puppies and kittens that will end up abandoned in animal shelters or struggling to survive on the streets. Breeding, both purposeful and accidental, is responsible for the euthanasia of millions of these loving companions each year. Sterilization is both the easiest and the most effective means available of ensuring animals’ happiness and safety. Male animals who have been neutered are far less likely to roam far from home or fight. Neutering greatly diminishes and possibly eliminates reproductive urges (which are not the same in dogs as they are in humans). In addition, these animals will never get testicular cancer and run less risk of contracting prostate disease. Female animals who have been spayed avoid the trauma of giving birth and will no longer go into heat.
Consider the fate of the millions of unwanted animals whose parents were never spayed and neutered. Born into a hostile world, they are caged among strangers at animal shelters or, worse, abandoned on the sides of roads. They are run over by cars and attacked by other animals. They are infected with painful, contagious, and deadly diseases. Those unlucky enough to run into cruel humans are often drowned, beaten with baseball bats, suffocated in plastic bags, stabbed, shot, starved, set on fire, used as bait, and tortured in countless other ways. And the saddest tragedy of all is that before they meet some gruesome death, they reproduce, and the cycle of animal suffering continues.
If you live in southeastern Virginia and northeastern North Carolina and would like to have a dog, cat, or rabbit sterilized, please call PETA at 757-622-7382 to make an appointment with our mobile clinics.
A national organization, SPAY/USA, also helps guardians of animal companions who need assistance with the cost of spaying and neutering. You can contact SPAY/USA at the following website and toll-free number:
1-800-248-SPAY (7729)
Municipalities across the United States are addressing the animal overpopulation crisis aggressively by passing strong spay-and-neuter laws for all animals. Failure to comply with these laws entails hefty breeder’s fees, even in cases where animals are not being actively bred. Not surprisingly, areas with strong spay-and-neuter laws have seen significant reductions in the numbers of animals brought to their animal shelters and subsequently euthanized. But until all cities have adopted similar laws, animals will continue to breed at uncontrollable rates. 
If there is not already a spay-and-neuter ordinance in your state, city, or county, please write to or call your local- and state-level elected officials (for example, mayors, city councilmembers, state representatives, and state senators) urging them to introduce this important legislation. To send a pre-written letter to your state’s governor, please go to To find contact information for your state-level elected officials, please go to For tips on writing to legislators, please go to To see examples of existing spay-and-neuter legislation, please go to
To learn more about issues that affect animal companions, please visit To make a donation in support of PETA’s campaigns to stop the animal overpopulation crisis, please go to
Thank you again for contacting us and for the opportunity to share our thoughts. I apologize again if the contest has offended you as it was not the intent.
HollyAnne Dame
Membership Correspondent
PETA Foundation


I do believe that animals should be sterilized to prevent over population.  Any animal that I've ever had the pleasure to own has been fixed.  I am a responsible pet owner.  

Holly clarified that the contest was meant for those that are fertile with her: "Please know that there are many people who wish to be sterilized—it’s those people that we’re aiming to reach."  Fine let them enter the contest but don't connect to it to those of us that are trying to conceive.

I guess it is an apology but, they aren't going to remove the contest or the honoring part of those of us that are infertile.  As a matter of fact they are happy we are infertile and will continue to use our plight to promote their cause.  I feel so used by PETA.

Take a look at Keiko's blog post today at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed  to see how PETA responded to her email.  I'd hardly call them sorry in the least.

I have an idea, if PETA is so set upon preventing more babies being born to this planet let the sterilization begin with all that work for PETA.  Maybe if their reproductive rights were threatened they'd be a bit more understanding of those of us that are battling infertility.  Somehow I doubt  they'd care. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Win A Vasectomy From PETA!

"Now, one lucky man can be reproduction-free, free of charge, just like his pooch or feline friend. In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24 to 30), PETA will give one free vasectomy to a man who has recently had his companion cat or dog neutered. Don't worry boys—you'll still be able to enjoy sex. But your neutered dog will be less likely to face the health and behavioral problems that unneutered dogs experience." 

I think that Keiko says it best in her blog posting today.  I highly suggest that my readers take a trip over to her blog Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed and see what she has to say.  She has posted ways in which we can respond best to PETA about how upset we are with their contest.

If you aren't up to reading Keiko's blog then hop on to your email and express your outrage to Ingrid Newkirk, PETA President at .  I'm sure she'd love to hear what you have to say about the matter.

This really bothers me.  Why?  Well I don't think that PETA really understands what the National Infertility Awareness Week is actually about.  It isn't about getting your pet spayed or neutered.  It isn't about getting your human sterilized.  Its about folks just like me that suffer from infertility.   I'm outraged that PETA could be so insensitive to folks like me.  I love my animals just as much as the next person. 

PETA just doesn't get it.  They are basically celebrating the fact that I can't have a child.  They want to promote the fact that we infertile folks can't have children and want other people to get sterilized too.  Why?  How is it honoring Infertility Awareness by paying for another human's sterilization procedure?  Now if it had been a vasectomy reversal surgery contest I could see that would be honoring infertility.  Or perhaps paying for some couples IVF treatments for a cycle would be honoring Infertility Awareness Week.   But offering a contest win of sterilization in honor of those that are infertile is like handing a knife to suicidal person and cheering them on to slit their wrists.  Its Just Wrong!

I'm really too angry to think coherently.  How would you like an organization telling you that they are glad you can't have children?  How is their contest supporting a cure for infertility?  ITS NOT!

52 weeks in the year and PETA had to chose the week that is about Infertility Awareness,someone didn't do their homework before hitting the press.

Monday, April 4, 2011


Steady drizzle, icy fingers, hot breath on my neck.  Wet wooly creatures gnaw,  grasping golden globs.  Chirp, caw-caw, chirp.  Thrum, beep-beep, whoosh.  Sensation overload.

Ever notice how the rain intensifies the sensations?  Take a good long listen next time it rains.  Whether it be the metronome of rain drops or the sounds of traffic and small critters the sounds are louder, stronger, wanting to be heard.  The sounds aren't the only things intensified.

Feelings are stronger.  Depressive, joyous, sexual are all more pronounced.  The needs, the wants the general restlessness.  Enclosed in my bubble I can observe the world working around me.  The animals scurry for food, choking down vast amounts in their mouth pouches to eat at a later date.  People hurry from one building to another as if the rain were some sort of torture device and they its victims.

The need for warmth, to soothe those icy digits wrapping around a hot mug of choice beverage.  Be it summer, winter or fall I've noticed the citizens of this world go for the hot beverage when it rains.  It could be a sweltering 90 F and they would still go for the hot beverage.  Is it because the hot beverage will actually cool the body?  It does.  But do they realize this or is it a deeper instinct?  Needs must be met whether we realize it or not.

Needs drive the soul.  Our souls must feed off what we put into it whether it be knowledge or food, we feed our souls.  Stop and think. 

Take a moment out of your scurrying from the wetness to stand still in the rain and feel the goodness that is nature.  Think of why it rains.  What is accomplished when it rains?  The Earth is cleaned.  Nature feeds off the rain and thus feeds us.

Feed your sensations.  Feel the rain as is dribbles down your face to dampen your chest. Feel the slickness of the rain as it washes the dirt and oil from your arms to drip to the ground from your fingertips.  Lick a raindrop from your lover's lips.  Feel how much more sensual a kiss can be.  Make love in the gentle rain.

Whoosh, whir-whir, thunk.
Beep, Beep, Beep.

Vehicles pass by my window, the range is hot and construction continues; all in the rain.  There is life.  It wants to be heard.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Pain Of Loving A Soldier

I love my soldier, my J, my husband.  There are days I wish I could just wrap him in bubble wrap and keep him hidden from the world.  I know I cannot do this much as I really desire to protect him from all dangers.
With love comes pain. Pain of worry, pain of longing, pain of waiting with no answers in sight.

There are days in our marriage where all I can do is worry.  I know he's been trained to fight and to survive.  He is good at what he's trained to do.  I know that he will always do his best so that he can come home to me alive.  He wants to grow old along with me.

There are days though that one can't rely upon the skills that their soldier were taught.  There are instances where things are totally out of our and their control.  Fate can be one angry bitch or she can be as soft and gentle as a summer's breeze.

I had my scare this morning.  There was a muck up of epic proportions, well at least I consider it was epic, this morning.  I got a call that my soldier never showed up and was missing.  How is that for a wake up?  Yes, I was awake as much as needs be when knee deep in seven loads of laundry.  My heart went to my throat as I answered the questions asked of me.  I had no clue where he was if he wasn't where he was supposed to be.  My blood pressure began to rise and I knew I couldn't panic, yet.

How could they lose a man?  Who was the idiot out there that didn't notice he showed up?  I spent two hours stressed out wondering if I should call the hospital because my J couldn't be reached.  What if he was dead?  Its all I could think of.  I felt my life crumble.  The pain gripped my gut.  I hate the "what ifs" that are always a part of life when one is married to a soldier.

J was there.  He had showed up on time to relieve the other person.  It was the other person on the two man team that didn't show up when the appointed time arrived.  Why did the person being relieved report that my soldier didn't showed up?  Are they getting that sloppy?

Believe me right now I'd like nothing better than to find the person that started this whole mess and give them a piece of my mind for giving me a fright.  But I know that I'm not allowed to do that.  I have to suck up the fear.  I have to suck up the anger that is always felt when it turns out they messed up.

It could have been a lot worse.  But now I wonder about next time.  He's survived a deployment.  What's to say the next one won't claim him?  Its something we aren't allowed to talk about.  Its something we'd all rather not think about.  Its one of those things that when the time comes to deal with it it gets dealt with and hopefully without losing one's sanity.

I know that J will come back to me after each assignment, each shift, each deployment as long as fate allows.  I have to keep that hope that he and I will enjoy our rocking chair years together. 

Friday, April 1, 2011

No Heat

Dear Equity,
I'm beginning to not like your housing units.  It seems as though each month I've had some sort of repair done to my housing unit.  If you are going to charge us the full amount of our BAH each month I'd like a unit in better repair.  Much as I love the 15 feet of fenced in back yard and the fact that I don't share walls with another tenant I don't like the following problems:

Hot water heater that has to be repaired five times before it is replaced.

Gas oven with built in stove top that has to be repaired four times before you decide its too old to repair and replace it finally.

Rotted master bedroom window frame of which you decided to replace only the apron on and not the rotted wood underneath it.  Then it continues to leak and some how its my fault.

Kitchen plumbing that is repaired five times in the very first year of my residence and it still doesn't work properly.

Bathroom plumbing issues that call for multiple repairs. I can only hope they will stay repaired this time with the hole in the foundation that you jack hammered and didn't fill correctly.

The sliding glass door that you have come out on numerous occasions to fix  and it still doesn't latch properly.  Mind you a nice metal bar, preventing the door from opening from the outside, has been installed by me as I'm not a fool to let burglars into my house that easily.

Finally, today I called you because I had no heat.  I've called you before because my condensation pump was making funny noises.  But you said nothing was wrong with it and you couldn't hear it.  Today it had to be replaced. 

I'm waiting for the refrigerator to fail.  I've had you out here before to listen to the god awful noise it makes.  Is that going to take forever for you to realize that it is going downhill fast? 

I'm not a fool.   I asked numerous people who remember when the Army owned its own housing units; things were better with the housing units when the Army still owned the buildings.  I don't like how you cut corners on jobs.  I don't like how your employees tell me that its job security when I have to call them out multiple times.  Oh they also laugh when they tell me its job security.  I don't find it funny at all.  I find it annoying.

Those little perks that your housing areas gives away free and that hardly anyone picks up because they are informed too late, aren't going to make the residents happy.  We would like timely, efficient, and clean service repairs.  I don't like finding debris in my sink basins, toilet bowl, floor surface and walls where your techs thought they cleaned up but didn't.  Debris shows quite well on light surfaces.

Hire someone that knows what they are doing.  Hire someone to clean up after the tech if the tech is sloppy.  Hire someone that is willing to go that extra mile to make sure we are happy with the repair.  After all we are the ones that in the end, with our rent, make sure you have that money to pay your employees.

An Unhappy Tenant