Tuesday, January 31, 2012

ENT Appointment and Symptom Update

I had my ENT appointment this morning.  It went well enough.  Thankfully the two cysts on my thyroid are now one and smaller now.  I'll do another follow up in two to three years.  Until then unless my Vestibular Meniere's Disease becomes more problematic I don't need to see the ENT.  Yay!  J came with me to my appointment today and took a few notes since with my memory of late I forget to even unbuckle my seat-belt before trying to exit the SUV.

The doctor did tell me that even though my thyroid labs were normal that I would have to get them checked often during pregnancy because hormones fluctuate.  I sometimes forget that thyroid is a hormone.  Duh!

Last night I had a few episodes of balance issues.  My face almost met several walls while trying to get up to go to the bathroom.  Thanks hormones for messing with not only my bladder but now my balance centers.

So my 5dp 3dt symptoms are as follows:
  • Breasts are still tender
  • Urination frequency has increased
  • Weight loss has stopped
  • Pelvic pain has lightened up.  Uterus from palpation feels firms from above.  Could just be all that extra blood in there right now.
  • Tender (not real pain just odd like) Pelvic region when trying to bend over with belt pressed into it or when cabinets press into it when reaching.  You get the idea.
  • Mood swings are well...there
  • Fatigue continues
  • Odd dreams or rather nightmares...thanks PTSD
  • Forgetfulness
All of these symptoms can be attributed to either the Endometrin or my other medical issues.  I won't start my POAS until tomorrow.  I don't expect to see a second line tomorrow because I have only one embryo in there.  If I had two or more I might expect to see the second line that early but alas I have but one so no.

I do have 17 sticks so yes I could in theory use 3 a day until I do my beta on Monday.  Will I though?  I don't know.  We'll see just how paranoid I get in the next 24 hours.

Good luck to all those trying to get pregnant this cycle.  I hope all of us are lucky enough to get take home babies.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Wait and Listen, You'll Hear It

Most of you know by now that I'm an Army Wife.  If you are reading my blog post for the first time you now know that little fact.  My life is primarily wrapped around this fact too.

The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by Jan-Philipp Sendker is a wonderful tale that I felt I could best relate to with the fact that love can withstand time.  J has been deployed, he has been on isolation tours and away for long periods of time for classes and training.  Because of all our time apart I can well understand what Tin Win and Mi Mi must have felt.  Their love stood the test of time.

When I first jumped into the pages of this particular book I was exclaiming what a rogue Tin Win was to be so fickle with his affections.  But was he?  No, he knew love and he knew that love can be felt in different ways and with different people.  I know that this is very true.  There is the person that deploys, the soldier.  I have to treat my husband very differently when he is a soldier.  I must not upset him with every day events that make it seem like I can't handle being alone.  Then there is the guy that I married, the civilian, the guy that comes home from work each day and wants to be bothered with the trivial aspects of marriage.  Our love is different from how we are apart.

I can't help but wonder that if Tin Win felt able to dishonor his father figure distant cousin if he would have been extremely happy with Mi Mi or if he would have felt the boredom that can grow with taking one's spouse for granted.  The fact that they were apart for so long, not unlike the times I've been apart from my husband but just not for as long as the fictional couple, might have kindled the romance even more.  When apart from J I often would gloss over the bad parts that are there in the every day life and don the rose colored glasses of the newness of relationships.  Though I do slip those glasses on when he leaves I remember to take them off when he comes back.  It is the reality that is the true test of love, the real love that can withstand the test of time.

As a member of From Left To Write I received a free copy of this book to read and write a personal review for my blog.  All of the opinions stated in my blog are of course my own.

 When Julia travels to Burma to search for her missing lawyer father, she discovers much more than she expected. 

Join From Left to Write on February 1 as we discuss The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by Jan-Philipp Sendker.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sunday Bliss

Well we took the plunge.  Sounds bad I know but for two introverts heading out to church, to an unknown church at that, can be frightening.  Yes, I know they aren't out to get me. 

I wouldn't say the kneeling part of the service was all that easy on my knees as I have fibromyalgia and a bad back.  But I did it.  The priest was also using a cane and not that much older than I am.  When his cane fell during service I looked over at J and said, "I hate when that happens.".  I do I really hate when I decide to use my cane and it falls in a quiet place, like a church, and everyone looks at you.

I got up early with the back and pelvic pain.  Its not as bad as some days but today because there is a cold rain, its Washington State more often than not its raining here, my back decides to get grouchy with me.  But I was in the mood to fulfill a promise I made to my spouse before Christmas.  I promised that when I felt up to it we would start going to church again.

I stumbled across some of the service as I'm not fast enough with the books to transfer between the hymnal and the prayer book.  I wasn't brought up in J's faith either.  So the prayers that he learned are a bit different than what I learned and memorized.  His Niece creed is different along with his Lord's Prayer too.  I'll get the hang of it and the folks there are well understanding of my newness to their faith.

I did receive communion today.  Again it was a bit different than the Roman Catholic Church's style.  But I think the Anglican Episcopal Church will do just fine.

J was pleasantly surprised that they had a church breakfast after service.  Plenty to eat and I wonder if I'll be asked to make food for them some day.  Not that I'd mind but I don't think I have any gluten free recipes.  A few members have special food needs and I too am supposed to eat more gluten free too.  Guess its a good excuse as any to buy a gluten free cookbook.

The only annoying part of breakfast in the church hall was the cacophony.  With my Vestibular Meniere's disease sometimes trying to hear someone in even a quiet setting can be tricky and today it was more of a I can see your lips moving so I can read them enough to answer you.  Terrible but that is part of life. 

Now for my symptoms update:

My pelvis is still a bit tender to the lightest of touches.  Some mild cramping, more like a biting feeling hit last night.  Annoying more than anything and definitely not the bend me over Endometriosis cramps that I get. 

A bit more than the nipples are now sore.  Some of the side of the breast tissue is starting to make the crossing of my arms that much more complicated. Before  I had only two spots to avoid now its almost to the point of hands and arms off the area completely.  I'm sure in a few more days it will be that way from the Endometrin.  I think Hope might be starting to settle in finally. 

Oh Emily gave me another version of Hope, its Japanese and Yuuki is the name.  If anyone else has any other language versions for the word hope let me know. 

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Getting Organized

I love the white board that my friend Alex sent to me yesterday.  Now I can not only organize my appointments in a clearly written easy to see manner but I can also leave a list of chores that need to get done.

Alex really hooked me up.  She even sent me chore magnets!  Now all I have to do is remind my husband to look at the fridge to see what still has to be done for the week.  LOL I can even remind him to brush his teeth because there is a magnet for that, not that he needs reminding for that but hey its also nice to put something cute up there too.

I have to tell you that I envy Alex her talents with clay.  I mean just take a look at this: beautiful 4 piece bowl set.

If you get the chance head over to Alex's online shop Ugabugabowls.

Now for the update on how I'm doing.  I'm okay but I'm feeling a little odd.  My breasts, the nipple area, is still sore and they are now starting to swell.  I've lost 2.2 lbs of the bloat from the egg retrieval and injections with 3.6 more to go to my pre PUPO weight.  The odd thing is that my pants are tighter and bit uncomfortable around the pelvis, in particular the uterine area.

I'm still getting a few twinges and I'm a bit sore when I bend over too far.  When I lie down on the bed to read I can feel an odd stretching in the uterus like the muscles are being pulled tight.  It might be from the procedures and I won't know for sure what is going on until the Beta on the 6th.  For now I'll just chalk it up the recovery.  The ovaries will have to shrink a bit still and the uterus is probably a bit swollen from the hormones and the beating it took on Thursday.

J did sign back in from leave.  He is doing the housekeeping for me today and hopefully will remember to start the laundry soon.  He is new to this white board micro management.  Nope he didn't look at the board to see that the laundry had to be done.  Its going to take a bit but he doesn't want me lifting a finger.  He is too afraid I'll lose this baby like the last two.

Friday, January 27, 2012

I've Got That Progesterone Feeling

For four days now I've been taking my Endometrin as directed.  The slime isn't all that bad yet.  But some of the side efftects are starting to get a bit annoying.

  • My areolas are sore.  Not the entire breast, no just the nipple area.
  • I've been getting headaches.  Not too bad, just one bad one so far.
  • Increased nighttime urination.
  • Being extra tired.
Which considering that I'm trying to grow a baby right now I'll cope.  I'm happy to have Hope in me right now. By week 37 I'll probably be wishing it was the due date and wanting Hope to be born.

This morning after awakening from a nightmare, just my fears of losing my spouse to another woman that is fertile (I think we've all had this type of nightmare), I spoke with J about Hope.    He told me he likes calling the embaby Hope and in Spanish Hope is  Esperanza.  Hmm, wasn't Esperanza the name of the housekeeper that the character Gaylord Focker had an affair with?  Well anyway Hope in Slavic is Nadiya.  I think I rather like that one.  So I'll be calling this embaby by its name in different languages just to keep things interesting I think.  If you know of Hope in different languages and want to give me the name let me know.

In other news, I'll be glad when the swelling in my ovaries goes down.  I can only sleep in one position right now and its on my back.  I try to roll to either side and my ovaries complain.

My uterus is feeling better today.  Yesterday morning and afternoon it felt as though I had been punched in the uterus from the inside.  The transfer did not go smoothly but I think I already mentioned the two different speculums having to be used because he couldn't get me opened properly with the first one no matter what position he tried with it.  The second one was longer.  Then began the swabbing with the gauze 2 x 2's and the other gear to clean off the excess mucus.  Lovely the Endometrin made my inside messy.  Then the catheter bent and it shouldn't have.  Dr.C. didn't have a problem with the mock transfer or the first IVF.  Dr.B. has only ever wanded me so he didn't know the route I guess.

I did feel some twinges of pain last night before bed.  It felt more like pinches but a bit sharper, most likely it was the uterus getting cranky with me.  With luck I'll feel something similar over the next few days or week as Hope burrows deep into the uterine lining.

I've asked J to sign back in off leave today as he will have the weekend off.  No sense in wasting leave days that we might need later on for a vacation or delivery or possible...well I don't want to say it.  He is taking care of me and I'm not going to leave the house for another day.

I did take a warm bath last night and used my brand new candy thermometer that I've had for two years and never took out of the package.  So I made sure the bath was about 90 degrees for water temp.  My legs still pinkened so I'm guessing I'm just susceptible to cold and heat is all.

I'm being as careful as possible without over worrying.  I don't want to add guilt feelings to the stress which would make the stress worse.  I am meditating and last night my blood pressure was a reasonable 124/75.  So that means that the Circle + Bloom is helping.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Transfer Day At Last

This is my Hope.  Whether it turns out to be a boy or girl until it gets to the sex determination state I'm referring to it as Hope.

Hope was almost ready to cleave again before we transferred it to my uterus.  Right now its 5 cells and two of them are huge so the embryologist was really happy and figured it would be at least 8 by the end of the day if not 9.  We had Assisted Hatching to help with the implantation.

I've already told J that I think Hope is a boy.  Why?  Well the other embryo we transferred in October, JR, was developing much quicker and girls develop quicker than boy.  Since this one is behind a bit I'm betting its a boy and just as stubborn as its father who was born 3 weeks late!

This transfer was more difficult than the one in October.  Dr. B did this one.  I've seen him off and on over the last 15 months and of late Dr. C. more so.  Dr.B and Dr.C. were both doing retrievals today and I was the only transfer.

After two speculums (the first one was too short and he couldn't find a good position), and the catheter bending when it shouldn't Hope was finally in place.

So if all goes well I should be getting a decent number on the Beta which will be the 6th of February.  I am going to take it easy for the next 48 hours and I will go lie down soon with the book I'm reading for the next review.  I love this new book but not as much as I love Hope.

Now I just need to find a frame for Hope's embaby photo.

May all of you trying for babies get pregnant soon and carry to full term. 

Nicki  I'm thinking of you and Kenna always.  You inspire me. 

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Flowers, Friends and Fertiles

J apologized for his bad behavior on my surgery day with flowers and sweets.  As you can see they are on my big dining room table with all my meds and my instruction sheet for the embryo transfer.

I have yet to hear from Dr. C. today on the status of my embryo. I know he is quite busy since this is the week on the calendar we all were supposed to be retrieving.   Last night SRM called me with the time and date of the embryo transfer.  What if there is nothing to transfer?  I'm scared.  Last time I had just one embryo.  It was perfect.  As perfect as they can get and it didn't stick.  I have only a 10% chance of this one making it and becoming a take home baby.

Friends I thank you for all your support.  Knowing that I have so many supporters out there means a lot to me when I'm so hormonal.

Last night I had a friend call me.  She begged me to accept the apology of the fertile girl that was so callous about her announcement.  My friend swears that the girl never reads my blog.  Well if she never reads my blog then how did she come across my reply comment on my blog about the callousness of her behaviour?  DUH!   She obviously reads my blog.  I did say, "good luck" to her on her announcement.

Of course I wish her no ill will.  I know first hand how precious babies are, and how hard it is for some of us to conceive.  She is a fertile and so is my friend.


Now for my rant.  I might get vicious and I need to point out that some of my friends and acquaintances can be found at either end of this and some somewhere in the middle.

An infertile gal waits for the embryo report with the phone next to the shower curtain so she doesn't miss that ever important call. First she hesitates to even take the shower fearing she might not be able to hear the ring.  While the fertile gal could care less if the phone rings and she'll get to it when she gets to it.

An infertile gal counts her two week wait in injections and Endometrin depending on protocol.  A fertile gal hardly will notice until her period is already late.

An infertile gal can pinpoint the day, and time in which her baby was created.  The fertile gal might not even pay attention to when her last period was but figures it was sometime during the sex crazed week she had.

An infertile gal knows the donor number of her sperm or spouse.  Some, not all, fertile women can't pinpoint who the father is.  I knew one gal that had a line up of possible fathers and had them all tested.

An infertile gal is supposed to suppress, stimulate, and then maintain with progesterone to get pregnant before the embryo is even put in her.  The fertile gal drinks, smokes, dances, lifts mountains of loads of laundry and has no clue she might be pregnant.

The infertile gal will most likely, unless she has a blog, suppress her urge to tell the world that she is pregnant at the first or second Beta because she knows it could all go south.  She will wait until the beginning of the second trimester and sometimes wait until week 24 when she knows the baby has a chance to survive on its own.  The fertile gal takes the home pregnancy test decides to go out and start baby clothes shopping.

The infertile gal is often put on full pelvic rest due to cysts caused by the stims,  which means sex is not an option.  No not even masturbation.  The fertile gal is able to continue to have sex.

An Infertile gal is hyped up on hormones but is told by her friend that doesn't understand she needs to accept an apology from a pregnant gal because that girl is pregnant.  The infertile is taking meds which mimic pregnancy in order to support pregnancy at higher levels than what are in an already pregnant woman's body and I'm the one that has to "be a bigger person"?  The Fertile gal sniffles and boo hoo's that an infertile monster is jealous of her and someone calls the INFETILE "a skanky dependapotmus that is jealous".

The infertile gal will quietly and with much reserve notify other infertiles of her joy not wanting to upset them on their infertile path, unless she has a blog she shares with other infertiles that cheer her on.  She will understand if they can't handle her joy and don't want to converse with her until they are better able to cope.  The Fertile gal will blurt to the world she is pregnant and not give a rat's ass about her infertile friends that have suffered loss after loss.

The last two pregnancies I was very quiet about announcing them.  You would have had to look closely at my blog to see that I had even said for sure I was or wasn't.  I'm trying to be careful to not hurt anyone's feelings but dammit I have feelings and if you read my blog and are fertile and don't have the foresight to tell me personally, if you are a close friend, of your upcoming sproglet then you aren't a very good friend. I don't like to find out via mass media that a supposed friend could care less about my feelings.  Frankly you just rubbed my face in your second kid's dirty diaper with what you said.  Thanks a lot.

Oh and I just got word.  How its even possible I don't know since the last one was as perfect as possible but Dr. C. said this one is even better than the last one.  
Me:  I know I only have a 10% chance of it implanting due to egg age.
Dr. C.:  I have no fear that this one will implant because its more perfect than the last one.

I have a bit of hope again.

Oh and yes if you are one of the Fertiles I mentioned above learn compassion for those that are infetile.

If you are one of my friends remember I've lost 3 pregnancies, 4 babies already.

If you are infertile I hope that all of us will soon become mom's with take home babies.  My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Its A Wash

As of this morning my joy and hope are gone.

Of the 9 eggs retrieved, 5 were mature, 1 fertilized.

I think its probably over.

I'd write more but I'm so angry right now.  I'm feeling hate to the universe and my spouse. 

Why the spouse?  Well he didn't do a damn thing yesterday to help me except drive and take the 3 photos.  All those casseroles I made ahead, he didn't even microwave one for me yesterday.  He made me fend for myself in all the pain I was in.  He got the day off of work and just took care of himself.  So right now I'm feeling a lot of the hate towards him.  I couldn't even get him to put out fresh pot holders after I put the others in the hamper.

Oh and I'm doing laundry today.  He had a full load of his own and I guess it was just too much for him to do his laundry yesterday so I have to do it today.  I did ask him to do his.  Heck I couldn't even get him to study yesterday. Instead he played on his computer.   I'm also doing a load of the household and a few socks of mine.  Seriously I'm supposed to be resting.  He can bite my ass!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Egg Retrieval Today

I always said I have two left feet when it comes to trying to dance and turn right.  Well this time I put it on the socks and I decided to write Left backwards on the left sock.  Dr. C. got a chuckle out of them.

J was ushered off to collection right away and I was drugged up shortly after Dr.C. showed up.  Traffic in Seattle this morning was horrendous.   Even at 0615 hrs when we were driving through Seattle it was nuts.

This is the photo of the tops of my socks.  I put our first initials into the hearts and of course I put my "R" on the left one that I wrote left backwards on because I keep telling J that I'm more screwed up than he thinks.

Okay now a bit about my crappy morning.  I get to the clinic at 0700 hrs.  They tell me I'm way early.  I said no that I'm not as my appointment is for 0730 hrs and I was told to be there at 0700 hrs.  Think used car salesman attitude from the receptionist.  She is trying to persuade me that I'm wrong.  Nope not wrong I wrote it down.  Its really that they don't want to admit that they are running behind because my doctor is caught in traffic.  I hate when they lie to me.  My doctor even told me he was stuck in traffic.  I like my doctor.  He is honest.

This is me, caught with my eyes closed trying to get J to give me a kiss for the photo he is taking.  My beautiful hair net is falling off my bundled up hair.

As you can see I am smiling and I do have dimples.  Still not the best photo of me but I'm not wearing makeup either.

J has a big smile on his face but that is because the surgery is now done and we had good news.

9 follicles, 9 eggs.  Not sure how many are mature enough to fertilize but we got 9 eggs this time.  First IVF we had only 2 eggs out of the four or five follicles that were left after the other 3 ruptured on their own.

We have real hope.  Dr. C. will call me tomorrow with the news on how many made it.  I'm excited.  I'm hoping that at least 4 make it fertilization.

Before we left I had two shots of fentanyl and a heating pad before I was released.  The pain was worse this time and I was bleeding more, a lot more.  But right now I'm okay.  The bleeding has slowed down and the vicodin and an IHOP breakfast/lunch have taken the edge off. 

16 hours without food I was starved and I needed to take a pain pill.  I had a brunch type meal of chicken, biscuits, eggs and pancakes.  I pigged out.  So much for my under 2000 calories and under 1000 mg of sodium a day.  Well one day of splurging isn't likely to kill me.  But I have to say IHOP was wonderful about accommodating me with a booth that I didn't have to share a back with another table.  I wouldn't have been able to take some adult or child bouncing in their seat and vibrating my seat because of the bouncing.  So I tipped generously the waitress for being so darn nice.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Where There Is Hope There Is Joy

I have noticed that when I have hope I'm always filled with joy.  Because of late that I have hope that I'll create a baby, and a take home one if I'm lucky, I'm filled with the joy that just spills over into other areas of my life.

I'm feeling love.  I'm giving love.  I smile more.  Now I have a chance.

For those that were curious as to my E2 numbers on Friday, I found out last night for you.  I really had forgotten to ask about the E2 given the state of the follicles as they are more important when it comes down to it.  But my E2 as of Friday after 4 days of stims were 1900, we didn't check it on Saturday.

Yesterday was my last Lupron shot.  I administered it to myself.  J gave me the IM HCG last night.  Of course the required test was positive this morning.  I have hope that it won't be the only positive one before the beta.

Oh yes, I'm going to POAS before the Beta.  I want to know if I have something growing in there.

Tomorrow at 0730 hrs is the egg retrieval.  We will be doing a three day transfer due to my age.  I was hoping that maybe we'd get to 5 days but Dr. C. thinks 3 days with the assisted hatching will be fine.

So I have hope that I will have enough to get one embryo to stay put this time.

Oh and because I do have hope I bought the above bead for my bracelet today.  I have so much hope that J and I were talking about a second child using donor eggs next time.  It would still be his biologically and a half to our one we created together.  I'm fine with that.  My clock would get reset.  I wouldn't need the stim shots either which is a bonus.

This will be our last IVF with my eggs.  With my estrogen counts this high after just four days of stims I'd hate to see how bad it will be next time.

I bought some heavy weight military boot socks for the treatments.  I'm going to use a sharpie to decorate them.  Oh and if I get my husband to remember he'll take pictures tomorrow of the socks on my feet and us together with me in my gown.

Wish us luck.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Wanda's Follicle Forecast

Wanda and I are becoming great friends of late and well we should considering how intimate our relationship is with all the prodding.

Today I had my 0700 hrs appointment at REI at Madigan.  J got to play nurse to Dr. C. and take notes in my chart.  He thought that was pretty cool.  Hopefully they can decipher his handwriting as sometimes I find it difficult to see what he has written in the ledger.

After my appointment I gave myself the last of the micro dose Lupron shots for this cycle.  Tonight will be the trigger shot.  J will be home to administer the shot, Thank You!  I'd hate to try to give myself that particular shot.

Now for Wanda's Follicle Forecast:

Uterine Lining: 10

Right Ovary: 20, 20, 16.5

Left Ovary:  34, 30, 22, 15, 15, 17.5  Looks like I have two nasty cysts but they'll drain them on Monday.

Dr. C. is very happy and we are happy too.  He said he is hoping for 3-4 embryo's to transfer on day 3.  Its an age thing with me.  Younger gals usually get 1 or 2 transferred but since I'm 42 we are going for the bank load.  Most likely I'll not have a thing to freeze so here is my hope that this works and gives me a take home baby.

Keep me in your thoughts.  Looks like an early Monday morning retrieval.  I'll know more after Seattle Reproductive Medicine gives me a call later today.  Dr. C. is requesting a particular time and usually he gets his way.

I'm excited.  I'm thinking all sorts of positive thoughts.  I'm picturing me heavily pregnant and also holding our baby.   Not going to think about the negative for the next few weeks.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Latest Date With Wanda

There is no photo of today's date with Wanda.  Nope they just don't give out photos of the follicles.  But I do have some good news.

Remember me writing about the 5 antrals I had with the baseline E2 of less than 20?  Wednesday's E2 level was 1064 and I'm waiting for the blood work results on today's but I've got happiness in my veins today.

Looks like I'll be triggering this weekend.  My RE clinic is so nice to me that they are going to open up just for me tomorrow to do a special scan check.  Yup just for me.  Aren't I lucky?

But okay back to the really good news.  Including what was a cyst before of 20 mm I now have 9 follicles.  Yes, there were more hidden.

Unfortunately, as per usual with me, they are all developing at different rates.

Here are my numbers:

Uterine lining 9.1 mm

Right side: 19.5, 13, 16.5

Left side:  26, 27.5, 20,11.5, 15.5, 13.5.....we are guessing either the 27.5 or the 26 was the cyst.

So yes I could have gone with the trigger shot today and retrieved on Sunday but Dr. C. thinks that those really large ones probably won't make it.  Depending on today's lab report I'll either do my trigger tonight or take my stims for another night and take the trigger shot tomorrow.  J has CQ duty today so he is going to try to get home for the early morning appointment 0645 ish hrs.  CQ is a full 24 hours I'm hoping that they'll let him home to do the injections tonight because if I have to do the trigger, intramuscular shot, its not going to be pretty.  I can do the other shots myself if I have to.

Dr. C. is very hopeful that I will have more than one embryo this time; he's thinking 3 or 4 and just as perfect as the last one. I only had 2 mature eggs last time we did the IVF and one fertilized in the perfect non fragmented 8 cell we all hope for.  I really won't mind paying the cryopreservation fee as an add on expense if I actually have something to make it to that level.  So maybe I'll have 3 or 4 follicles which will give me mature eggs come retrieval.  Come on 11.5 become an 18!

So to celebrate, after the clinic closes for the day, I'm going to dye my hair.  I don't want to look like an old grey mare for the retrieval.

I'm so hopeful.  I'm excited. 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Delay, Dilemma, or Doom

I can feel a storm approaching in my ovaries.  I know that sounds a bit odd but those that have suffered through IVF will understand.

One of the RE doctors called me yesterday about my E2 day 3 lab results.   I knew it couldn't be good since the clinic was closed due to the snow so they would only call if it was bad news.   It wasn't good.  I can find no one that would cheer about a count of 1064 on only day 3.

I'm taking a deep breath in right now and trying to blow away the stress.  I might end up with a cancelled cycle.  I might end up with OHSS if the number continues to climb.

Dr. B. told me the Gonal-F will have to be reduced from the 525 to 375.  The Lupron and Menopur will both stay where they are right now.

I should have known this was going to happen.  Tuesday I started producing the egg white fertile cervical mucus that we infertiles always seem to look for each month.  I had it and I'm like wtf?  Seriously why now?  Something isn't right.

I should have known when yesterday my pelvic region is so puffy that my 16's are snug from only a 0.6 lb weight gain in two days.  Forget wearing my l4's which were still lose on me only three days ago.   It looks like I've gained 10 pounds.  Today I stepped on the scale only to see another 0.6 added to my weight in just one day.  That makes 1.2 pounds in three days.  Will the weight gain stop?  Its not my eating for sure, I'm closely monitoring what I eat and how much exercise I get.

I should have known when the cramping started and the back pain became almost unbearable.  Usually that pain only hits when I'm close to the retrieval time or ovulation itself.  The pain was radiating down my legs and up my back.

So yes, I'm a bit worried.  Hopefully I'll keep my blood pressure down.  Hopefully the Circle + Bloom will work its magic and I'll just have extra recruits. I had only 5 antral follicles.  I'd love to have 10 so that I might be able to freeze an embie or two.

But I'm being a realist here.  I'm quite aware that this cycle might be cancelled.  I've prepared my husband for the worst.  Now I'm going to hope for the best.

If you are the praying sort would you keep me in your thoughts and prayers that this cycle will still give me that take home baby?  I know its a lot to ask for, but I'd do the same for you.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Snow Daze

This is my neighborhood early this morning.  Yes it was just that blue outside from the morning light trying to peek through the snow clouds.  Its still snowing too but much brighter out.

Notice that the roads are not cleared?  According the the folks in ACU's over at Madigan all the roads on post have been cleared.  If that is so then someone forgot to plow my neighborhood.

I don't really mind.  I'm from upstate NY.  I grew up in snow country.  Its just the rest of the drivers around here that I'm not too sure about in these conditions. 

Personally I want to be outside building a snowman, not driving in it,   but J won't allow me to play. He's keeping me housebound.  He is being particularly over protective.  Its okay I understand.  If I catch a cold and get sick it will affect the out come of the IVF with my impaired immune system.  Me+Cold(fibromyalgia)=one sick lady.  I want to go get the mail but J knows that there is ice on the sidewalks under the snow and he doesn't want me doing that either.

Well I was going to go do what I wanted when he left for work today.  He got called in for a CQ shift that he wasn't supposed to have today.  He called me about 20 minutes ago from work and they again changed the roster, he'll be home shortly.  Though there is CQ duty always going the rest of work got cancelled today due to road conditions.

Funny we were able to drive on the roads this morning to get my blood work done at Madigan hospital.  We made it in safely there and back even plowing through snow drifts.  J loved hitting the gas to make the car slide sideways, not with traffic around of course.  I miss doing donuts on the ice myself.

So now I sit here in a daze, a wistful daze wanting to go play in the snow but I'm being treated like a kid with the flu.  So what am I to do?  I'll cajole and plead and beg on hands and knees if I have to for at least a snowball fight this afternoon.  I don't think I'll get him to budge because he has my health in mind.

Tomorrow when the clinics re-open on post I should have the results of my day 3 E2 levels to share with all of you.  I'm hoping for a number between 50 and 80.

Oh and on the bloat note, I've gained 0.6 pounds in two days from taking the stims.  Ugh!  It looks like I've gained 10 pounds my belly is sticking out so far.  Only one tiny bruise on my abdomen.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Can I Get Some Quiet, Please

 I found myself in the pages of a book. Not just any book but Quiet by Susan Cain.

I had long concealed, even from my spouse, just how introverted I was until reading this particular book. I decided to face up to the fact that I wasn't happy faking who I was.

I found out that I'm the type of person that is always self monitoring herself. I'm always aware of what I'm doing and the impact of my decisions and actions on those around me. When I have to be out in society or at a family gathering I'm always trying to please someone else, I'm a social chameleon if you will. I'd rather just be pleasing me but I had no clue how to do just that until now. I've learned that I can use something called " free trait theory". If I plan to act a certain way or do a certain thing to please someone else I should be prepared to give back to myself some free time to do what I need to make me happy.  I like to read, craft, take long walks all of which make me feel more energized than say an aerobics class where I'd have to participate with a bunch of other people.

After I read this book and applied some of its ideas my marriage improved right off. My husband, also an introvert, readily understood what I needed when I said I need some "Me" time. I needed to recharge after doing for everyone. 

Its going to take some time for this highly reactive individual to learn to put herself first when possible. I was raised with two extroverted parents that were more self-involved with their own lives then in the lives of their children. But there were expectations to be fulfilled. I was always under a lot of stress to perform and perform well.

Now begins my journey of self exploration and relieving the stress in my life. Now its my time to find what makes me happy.

Are you an introvert or extrovert? Author Susan Cain explores how introverts can be powerful in a world where being an extrovert is highly valued. Join From Left to Write on January 19 as we discuss Quiet: The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain. We'll also be chatting live with Susan Cain at 1PM Eastern on January 26. As a member of From Left to Write, I received a copy of the book. All opinions are my own.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Thyroid Ultrasound

Finally, its the day.  I called to schedule an ultrasound for my thyroid and actually got a same day appointment.  Wow, this really works out well since J has today off from work. 

I'm not looking forward to this ultrasound but it does hurt less than the transvaginal ultrasound.  However my thyroid is a tender spot with the two cysts and the tech does have to press down firmly to get good resolution.  Pain.  I'm not wanting more pain today.

My pelvis is hurting from the Lupron injections.  The uterus area feels hard.  I don't want more pain.  I bent over several times in the laundry process of washer to dryer and drying rack and I swear it brought tears to my eyes the pain was bad.  I've already started to get some ovarian pain and I have yet to start the stims.  We start the stims tonight.

I'm hoping that the tech will let me know if I have less than two cysts on the thyroid now.  I'm hoping that they've gone down.  I'm thinking that they haven't since I've been off the armor thyroid and iodine drops for well over a year now.  My  PCM wanted me off them.  My levels were borderline and he decided to err on the side of caution and take me off of them.  I wanted to try to conceive which meant I had to ditch most of my asthma meds, all of the thyroid meds, the prilosec, any pain killer stronger than acetaminophen, and most herbal remedies plus a few other meds I've now long forgotten about.

So here I am with thyroid issues that can be felt with palpating my throat.  My newest doctor was rather concerned that it had been two years since I had been seen by the ENT.  Its time again to get it evaluated and rule out my risk factors for cancer again.  Oh I doubt it will lead to that any time in the near future but its always better to get it checked out.  We don't want anything to go wrong right now with being in the middle of an IVF cycle.  I want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy full term, please God, baby.

So that is where I stand as of today.  I'll post about the results when I'm finally privy to them.  Probably not until my ENT appointment which is the end of the month.

Now off I go to work on my unofficial book review draft of the book I just read.  I should be posting it by the 18th.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Lupron Dreams

I had forgotten, with good reason, what the Lupron does to my body and mind.  Last night I had my reminder.

I woke up in a cold sweat several times last night.  I was having night terrors again.

The first dream was of the never ending work day.  Every time I'd ask for a break in my dream I was told that I had to work longer.  The day never ended and I was working retail.  I never really liked working retail.  It just doesn't fit with my personality.  I'm a loner.  But I'll go into that in a few days with the book review.

I woke up at 0400 hrs to take my blood pressure medicine and get J up to do his morning PT.  He continues to do PT on the weekends and his body really appreciates it.  I appreciate what his body looks like now too.  Maybe I'm a tad bit shallow but seeing the squared off pectorals he has developed and the beginnings of a six pack isn't a bad thing to look at each day.

I'm starting to swell up.  The funny part of the Lupron is that even though I'm still losing weight, I lost another 0.4 lbs overnight, I'm bloating up too.  My pants are snug over the abdomen after just three injections.

I'm getting cranky.  Oh I knew that was going to happen.  It can't be helped.  My spouse knew it was to be expected and he is giving me breathing room.  I'm lucky in that we went through this together last time and he is now more understanding.  I think some of it has to do with the book I read this week and will post my review in a few days.

The second and third dreams I had, through the night, were just as unsettling as the first.  I was trapped in a room with people that just wanted to verbally poke and prod me.  They weren't understanding.  In all three of the dreams people were expecting more from me that I am able to give.

Its just my fears.  I know. 

I'm thinking about getting out in a bit today just to enjoy the snow we have here.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Shopping With The Spouse

Occasionally I like to shop with my spouse.  Its not often as he doesn't like shopping and I really don't care for it much either unless its on days where there aren't many people about the stores.

Friday turned out to be just one of those unusual days.  Because J has a four day weekend, and because we have finished paying for this, our last IVF, we decided to take a little money for ourselves and a bit for household.  We thought it might be fun to hit the outlet malls on a non-busy day and we were right.

Yesterday, due to after holiday sales, I was able to start socking away items for Christmas this year.  You heard me right, I'm well into shopping for this upcoming Christmas.  Yay me!

I was also able to secure a few bargains for the household such as a rice cooker and a fry daddy.  J has been wanting a fry daddy for years and even though we know fried food isn't all that healthy for you he still likes it.  I wanted the rice cooker as I hate standing over the stove watching to make sure the rice doesn't boil over.  Its a mess I'd rather avoid.  So I'm quite happy with those two purchases.

I also bought a few more clothing items.  Three sweaters and some cute panties.  I'm talking majorly cute panties like Hello Kitty.  Sorry couldn't resist.  I mean seriously I don't see my butt only my husband and my doctor see my butt and the doctor sees it without the panties, well okay so does the spouse but you get where I'm going with this, I hope.  So yes, the panties are just to make my fat butt look cute for my spouse.

I managed at the end of this week to lose 2 pounds this week.  I doubt this will continue as I took my first of the injections this morning.  I have another tonight at 1900 hrs.  Monday I start getting three more injections to add to the routine.  Oh Joy!

Speaking of joy, we went shopping again today and finished up just in time for the snow to fall.  I wanted to get the grocery shopping done and out of the way early.  I can't believe its only the 15th and we've already spent just over $400.00 in groceries.  When the heck did ground beef go up to over $3.50 a pound?   I swear last time I bought it the stuff was less than $2 a pound.

Today's shopping trip ended with two stores of choice.  Shipwreck Beads where J bought me the beginning of a TrollBead bracelet.  Just the bracelet for now.  I want to get a few nice beads online or maybe if I feel up to it in the jewelry stores.  I didn't think I'd ever like these bracelets as the ones I saw in the stores weren't my style but now seeing the variety of beads well...I can't help myself.

The last store was Cabelas.  J bought some reloading supplies for his new hobby.  He is learning how to reload because the price of ammunition is quite expensive these days.  No the Army still supplies him with his ammunition when he goes to war or to the qualifying range.  He just wants to make ammo for his own private use.

Sorry this post dragged on a bit.  I'm just excited to be home and have it snowing.  Its been more than a year since our last snow fall.  I really miss when it floculates.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Extra Extra

I found out just exactly what is going to change this time in my protocol.  Well I knew some of it before but not all of it until yesterday.

I will not be doing the PIO injections because J won't be around to give them to me.   I'll be doing the Endometrin suppositories.

I will be doing two shots daily of the micro dose Lupron.

I will be doing 525 of the Gonal-f this time instead of the 450 dose I did last IVF cycle.  This means an extra injection each night.  Since I put J in charge of this particular shot I don't think he is going to like knowing he'll have to give me extra.

So at my peak its going to be 5 injections daily.  Think I might take up a second job as a sieve.  I bet I could process water pretty quickly with all those puncture holes.  Yes, I know that won't happen but I will be all the more bruised this time around.

In other news, though Dr.C. said I won't have a bleed with a lining of only 4.2 mm; guess what he is wrong.  Maybe its just from all the poking around he did yesterday, it was pretty painful, but I'm bleeding like I'm having a period.  Maybe he just shook loose some of the endometriosis.  All I know is that I nearly crushed J's hand yesterday from the pain and the pain is pretty intense today as well.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Life's Little Reminders

Yesterday I had a doctor appointment for a follow up for the sinus infection and to get a new referral for my ENT appointment.

Good news is that the sinus infection is gone.  Bad news is that the reason for the ENT appointment can still be felt with palpation of my throat.

I have to get another ultrasound, this time of my throat.  Its been two years since my last one of my throat.  We were hoping that the cyst on my thyroid had gone away instead last time, two years ago, there were now two.  I'm hoping that this time they are at least smaller.

I was reminded today of just how unimportant I am in the military food chain.  I went to make the appointment directly with ultrasound since they were so busy on the phone.  I get there the guy is holding a conversation with another employee while all of us wait on just one open window.  I get my number called and the man behind the counter gives me an attitude like, "what are you doing here?".  I ask to schedule an appointment and he tells me that they are only serving active duty for ultrasounds at the hospital and only those that live close by.  Smug now but not acting smug, I tell him, "I live right behind the hospital.".  I really do and sometimes I just walk to my appointments.  He said I'll get a letter in the mail in the next 7 to 10 days from a place off post to be seen.  WTF?  Seriously?  My ENT appointment is scheduled for the end of the month, not sure I can keep it due to the unknown factor of ER and ET.   But at this rate I'll see the doctor before I get the ultrasound done.

Five blood tests were run.  Since I needed to get my E2 level drawn for the suppression scan I had it done with the rest of the lab tests yesterday.  Just a few that were being done were the thyroid ones that most of us IFer know about like the T3/T4 TSH.  I had to have my potassium levels and a complete CBC done because I have hypokalemia (low blood potassium counts), and cardiac issues too.  Again my murmur was audible and I've been getting some chest pains when exercising and under stress.  I really don't want to go back on Metoprolol again, I'm already taking Labetalol.

Now about today's suppression scan and what the doctor saw and didn't see.

My E2 level was less than 20.  Dr. C was pleased as he wanted to see less than 50.

I have only 5 antral follies right now.  3 on the right and 2 on the left.  One 20 mm cyst that isn't producing estrogen and looks to be a endometrioma on the left.  Of course I'd grow one of those while on the birth control!  I hate endometriosis.

My lining is 4.2mm so I did have a period when I said I did to the REI nurse when I called her the other day and she said, "its not possible for you to get your period on the birth control, you must just be spotting."  Okay sure like I don't know my own body by now after having periods for 31 years!

I lost 7 pounds since my last appointment.  Yay!  Dr. C. is pleased with my count and thinks that with my low E2 numbers right now I might have more hidden antrals that are too small to be seen.  He had to do a lot of digging around and I was squeezing J's hand pretty hard from the pain.  I don't like the dildocam.  Because of the pain I was in Dr.C. stopping digging too far and apologized.  I always have pain from the transvaginal ultrasound.

I start my micro dosing of Lupron on Saturday.  Two injections a day until I start the stims.  Can't wait.

Here is hoping for a good number of 18 mm follicles come trigger day.  I need at least two, he'd prefer three to go ahead with the IVF.  I don't want this cycle cancelled.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


It never ceases to amaze me what I will think of next when taking a shower.  This particular shower, this particular morning I had quite a bit of clarity while in the shower.  I was even able to think of a book topic. 

Oh the topic I'm sure has been done to death.  But its my topic, I know what went on and when and I know what its like to live it.

I was thinking of the scandals that occur in small town life.  I've lived in a few small towns in my lifetime.  I've become part of their community through various organizations.  In every one I was privy to scandal.  Not that I was the cause of it or the witness to everything first hand, no but I was aware.  Sometimes I did nothing, sometimes I stood up and said something.

When I stood up I did get knocked back down, put in my place as a female of no accord and thought to be silly, flighty, and an instigator.  Small towns are often backward places where the women folk are still barefoot and pregnant as teens through menopause and if they aren't something is wrong with their man.  Where the women folk are seen only when the food is to be prepared, sex is required of them, or they are needed as beasts of burden.  In today's society how can this be still happening in America?  Well it is.  Often we turn our back to it since its so painful to look upon.

Men are not the enemy but often they are the troublemakers in the small towns.  Its not the anonymous one that create the violence like is heard about in the big cities.  In the small towns it could be and often is a person that has a position in the town.  Quite possibly a neighbor, not necessarily an estranged from the community sort but the one that is looked at as a role model.   You can't tell what is lurking behind closed doors until you are invited in.   Abuse of authority is not unheard of but it is often ignored.

Case in point, a former fire chief and military veteran often cheats on his wife and she turns a blind eye to the matter until one day she snaps and confronts her husband's current lover.  The lover, who has been more of a friend to the man than a sexual partner breaks off the affair only to have this so called friend rape her a year later.  When the former lover presses charges after getting a rape kit done she is advised to drop the case because of the man's position in the community.  Little did the  community know that this wasn't the first time this guy has done a violent sex act to a woman.  Doubtful it would be his last either; but this man escaped justice because of the small town ethics.

Second case in point another former firefighter and military veteran beats his wife to the point she ends up in the hospital.  She presses charges, sues for divorce and the soon to be ex then sues her for emotional damage to him.  Really?  I doubt the man was a victim at any point in that marriage.

Third case in point.  An almost adult, 18 being legal adult, child gets into his parents stash of drugs and goes crazy.  He kills both of his parents. One parent had jail time for some long forgotten crime.   Small town ethic ignore the fact that the parents were drug users and the town mourns the parents as if they were heroes.  The child is jailed and finally sent to prison.

Small towns are often idealized by literature and television.  There is usually just as much per capita of violence if not more because most of it is hushed up.

Now what do we do about it?  Do we go into the towns and proselytize?  Do we go in with our pamphlets for domestic abuse, drug abuse, and suicide prevention?  Or do we actually settle in these towns and educate them on how to recognize the signs and symptoms and learn how to prevent them?  I'm not sure if any of the above would work.  I think that perhaps it will always exist in the small towns and always be swept under the carpet when possible.

These are my opinions.  No names or dates were mentioned in the above.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Nicki, Kenna and Sam

This blog post is a referral to my cousin's blog post.  I'd like my readers to take a moment out of their day if they would please, and say a prayer for my cousin's new born baby girl, Kenna.

Nicole had pre-eclampsia and Kenna had to be born way too early.  Earlier than most of us really wanted.  If we could we had hoped for another week but when the health of mom and baby are in danger the time becomes now.  Nicole and Sam now have a long journey ahead of them raising a preemie.  Kenna was born weighing only 9 ounces and being only 9.5 inches long.  Yesterday was her birthday.  Its a miracle that Kenna has made it through the night.

To read more about Nicole and her journey read her two blogs:



Monday, January 9, 2012

Busy Equals Happy

Its Monday so I'm burning my candle at both ends today.

First thing was to get my lazy broken butt out of bed so that I could shower.  With that part done it was time to turn the computer on and get some breakfast.

Somehow between making breakfast and getting the computer going I was able to get one load of laundry into the  washer and the ingredients out for the three dozen peanut butter cookies I'm making.

I have an FRG meeting tomorrow night after two other meetings and I planned on having cookies with me to place on the dessert table.  We were required to bring a dessert with us if we go to the meeting.  No potluck this time, no its going to a sugar fest.

So with the second load of laundry now in the washer I finally have time for a high test cup of tea.  Not much longer now and I'll be giving up that delicious drug called caffeine.  I think when I start the shots I'll shelve my tea.  Until then its a caffeine rush baby!

I heard from an online company about the position, unpaid, of book reviewer.  Thank you Nicki for asking them about me.  I don't think I'll get to the most recent book as my computer software isn't liking the download format and I didn't get the message until this morning after it was sent last evening about the deadline for the next paper version of the upcoming novel to review.  Eventually I'll get on track with this company and soon I'll be writing book reviews.

I like living a busy life.  Today when I manage to find time I'll be fixing the tree skirt that has slowly been losing its beads and sequin accents over the years.  Each year I say to myself that I'll take care of it as soon as the tree is taken down.   This year I actually got out the sequins, beads and thread colors; so I have ambition.  Its a project I could presumably do from my recliner of an evening; it might end up just being that late too when I hit that particular project.

My back, so far this morning, is behaving.  Yay!  We'll see how it is at the end of the day.

Yesterday I did manage to get out of the house and do some light shopping at the McChord Exchange.  I figured since I found a great deal on jeans at the Lewis Exchange I'd check out the Air Force Base across the street too.

I saved more than I spent.  Big discounts.  I even managed to put away two Christmas gifts for this year already.  I purchased three shirts and one pair of pajama bottoms for my new figure.  Its so nice to now being wearing a L without the X in front of it.

Not to fear of me being too stupid.  I realize that when I get pregnant I'll need larger clothing but with my weight loss I have that covered since I still have all my larger size clothing.  But its just so nice to know that when I do get pregnant I can shop in more stores and have more clothing options.  I dread the tent sized clothing like you wouldn't believe.  I like my clothing to fit me, not look like I'm a total slob like some of the maternity clothes I've seen would do to a figure.  I mean really, at my age one would think I've learned how to dress myself in something other than a Mu-Mu. 

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Nice Weather, Blah Mood

Never did make it to church this morning.  We were going to head out, for the first time in about four years, to church this morning but I just wasn't up for it.

Yes, its the back pain.  My mood is sour and basically blah.

J wants to get out of the house today and take me along.  Not sure my back is going to like that.  Right now I'd like nothing better than to just lie down on the floor with a blanket to cover me up and sleep.

I haven't taken anything for the pain yet today.  I don't plan to either until it reaches a 9 again or I pass out.  I don't want to become dependent on some pain killers only to not be able to take them when I start the injection portion of the IVF.

J mentioned going to an antique store.  That means a lot of walking around.  Normally I would love to go to an antique store but well, not today.

The remaining decorations need to be taken down.  We undressed the tree yesterday and have only the lights to now remove from it along with the star.  The nativity has to be packed away and the outside lights need to be taken down.

Yesterday we removed the paper chains, snowflakes, outside garland, Christmas cards from the string on the wall, and took down our stockings too. 

I'm not depressed about removing the decorations as I plan to now decorate for Valentine's day.  So its not like my house will be naked for long.  I'm just tired due to the pain.  But somehow I'm expected to keep going like an Energizer Bunny on its last dry cell.  I'll just chug along moving slower and slower until someone has to scrape me off the floor.

There are days my Army guy just has way too much energy for me.

Oh and on a good note, today was my last birth control pill.  Bring on the shots baby!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Pain Killer Weekend

***Please note I'm blogging under the influence of Oxycontin.****

I haven't really gone to bed yet.  I've been up since yesterday morning.  The pain got worse today after I got my glasses straightened out.  I was at the AAFES mall and needed to get a few things done.

First off the only pair of size 14 jeans I currently own have been repaired by me and are old enough to vote.  Just this year they celebrated their 18th year in use.  Well okay I didn't get to wear them for all of the 18 years because my weight is like a yo-yo.  But I had to break down and buy another pair.  What better time to go clothes shopping  than January with all the big sales?

I got the pair of jeans for only $8.50.  I'm quite thrifty and proud of the price I paid for the jeans too.  I tried on two pairs in different brands and even though both pairs looked great on me I just didn't like the designer tears and wicked fading on the other pair.

I found out though three things when I tried on the jeans. 
  1.  My back decided it didn't like me trying on jeans and spasmed.
  2. The mirror was tilted down, making me look short and fat.
  3. Finally my husband approved of the jeans and when I looked at myself I saw how great I looked too in good fitting jeans.  I never noticed how flat my stomach is getting.  I still see the fat chic when I look in mirrors.
Next stop was nail polish.  I bought two bottles, one in a pretty pink the other a red hot cinnamon color.  I needed the pick me up that painting my nails gives me.

Finally the last stop, the Commissary or grocery store if you will.  My back is screaming in pain by the time I cut to the head of the line because I'm allowed to since I'm handicapped.  Oh and the male cashier came around to me in line and said next time I had to "get in line with the rest of the others waiting.".  I said, "handicapped!".  He shut up.

I had J go out to the car and get my cane.  With the grocery cart soon to be taken away from me by a bagger I needed some sort of support.  I don't like using my cane if I can help it since it aggravates my carpal tunnel.  I caved and made him get it.  I was yelping in pain.  See the above scale for my "9" face.

The pain was bad enough the bagger could see it on my face.  Really nice German female bagger too.  She said, "I hope you feel better later."

I said, "I will after my Oxycontin."

Note that I rarely use the opiates because the idiots here don't prescribe them to me very often due to the fact that I'm TTC (trying to conceive).  Though it is fairly safe to take during pregnancy when other pain meds won't do the job.  My last script of the Oxycontin was from May  2011 when I had that 9 cm endometrioma rupture. Yes I was prescribed vicodin for the egg retrieval in October 2011 but I used that quickly and saved the last 7 of 20 pills of the Oxycontin for a "just in case day" and today was the day.

By no means am I drug abuser or user or pusher.  When I lived in NY my Army doctors at West Point had a running script for me of any pain killer I needed and so did my physical therapists in NY.  Why here they are ignoring my pain issues I don't know.  Oh and even then when I lived in NY I rarely went through more than two bottles of 30 count a year.  I could have filled it every month but I didn't.  I don't like to use pain killers if I can find other ways to push away the pain like meditation.

Sorry if the post is a bit confusing to anyone.  I did put the warning up that I was writing this under the influence too.  Think I'll go take a nap.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Adding Up The Costs

I want a baby.

What can I say?  My biological clock is winding down to its last tick.

But just how much will it cost me to get the baby I long for, dream of, love already without holding it?

This will be our second round of IVF.  I realize that many have gone through more and some have had success with just one.  We sort of had success with the first one in the fact that I did get pregnant but it just didn't stick around.

I still have eggs, that much is evident in the fact that I got pregnant again after losing JR.  But that one didn't stick around either.  Now its crunch time.  I'll be starting my injections on the 14th if the Antral Suppression Scan goes well.

I paid the IVF bill for this cycle on Wednesday.  I shouldn't have been shocked to be quoted a higher number but some how I was.  It went up.  Everything is going up in price these days.  If I knew for sure that I would need cryo preservation, at my age I'm realistic in the fact that I won't be needing it, I would pay an additional $1300.  I had the billing department take that off the bill and said to them that if I need it I'll be happily surprised and will gladly pay for that bill when it comes in the mail.

I'm lucky in that of the  $8,643.39 in medications for this cycle my insurance covered all but $12.00 of it.  But the insurance still didn't cover the almost $7,000.00 for the rest of the procedure.  Hey its still a break in cost.  I'll take a cost break where I can get one these days.

Our savings accounts are now almost depleted.  I really hope this works.  J only makes about 24K a year being a soldier and I have been having us live on half that amount so that we could pay for the two IVFs without having to bankrupt us.

Having this, our last IVF, over with a baby on the way would be a real blessing.  I know I can save in the 9 months of gestation to afford things for the baby since I've been living on very little since last January.  I say I since I do the finances here with J being so busy.  I know that I can squirrel away a college education or trade school fund too when the baby arrives by saving for its future.

If this doesn't work well then I guess I'll just put away money for vacations, a house, and retirement.  Living life on the cheap, not eating out and not going to the movies does make for a bit duller life but when you know you have money for emergency car repairs and won't have to rely upon the credit cards its rather nice.

I really want a baby.  I think that even if I had to pay full cost I would have but again this would be our last IVF.  I'm getting signals from my body that its getting really tired of all these hormones being pumped into it.

Pantyliners Aplenty

I think I should be covered, good and covered for the Endometrin slime.

I thought these would be a bit longer than the long ones in the same brand but they are only wider.  I guess that is where the extra coverage comes from.  But I'll make it work.

480 pantyliners at a bargain price on Amazon.

So that's all I've got to say today.  If the IVF doesn't work I can always use the liners to paper the walls and have a water balloon fight!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Before A Bump

This is me now before I get pregnant later this month.  Yes, I'm that hopeful that there will be a real bump to some day show. 

This is me, 35 pounds overweight.  Boy is my butt big!  Its the one thing I never see in the mirror and most times I avoid the mirror except when fixing my hair.

I'm still sick by the way.  Last night breathing wasn't done easily when I was reclining in bed.  I couldn't even have the covers near my throat.  So I got up, took a flash light with me, and I examined my throat in the mirror.  With just 2.5 days left of the antibiotic one would expect the throat to not look like it did.  The tonsils are still badly swollen and there is a a lot of red back there.  It looks almost like I scalded the throat with a hot drink.

I'm now thinking that the antibiotics aren't doing their job.  I'm afraid I'll have to go on yet another round of them and it will muck up this scheduled IVF.

Well its just plain and simple mucking up my life right now with being sick.  I got a call from my bestie's husband this morning.  He asked if I could watch their boys.  I didn't want to say no but I had to say no.  I don't want to possibly make them sick either.  My bestie is in the hospital and has to have emergency surgery to remove her gall bladder.  I just don't want to make her kids sick if I'm still contagious, if this isn't bacterial and its viral of which it could very well be since its obviously not responding to the antibiotics when I still have a green nasal discharge too.  Can you imagine how I'd feel if I got my best friend sick?  We all know that could happen with her immune system being compromised from surgery too.  All I'd have to do is pass this on to her kids and they'd easily pass it on to her.

I really hated saying no especially when her husband needs my help right now.  But I think I'm making the right decision.  He was told that he would be given the time off to take care of their sons while she is in surgery and recovering in the hospital.  I think its best that he takes them up on the offer.  Their children aren't yet registered at the CYSS as they thought they had no need for that before this situation.  CYSS is child youth school services.  Basically its a day care and after school program for the children ages 6 weeks on up.  Its not free but it is on a sliding scale according to rank.

I have a follow up appointment for next week to see if all this is cleared up.  I'm really hoping it somehow disappears by next week Wednesday.  I want to go through with this upcoming IVF.

Wow I feel so guilty letting a friend down when she really needs me.  I hope she'll understand.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Planning Ahead

Picture it, because I didn't take a photograph, a freezer full of casseroles and soups.

I'm cooking up a storm.  Even though I'm still sick and have several more days of antibiotics to go until this sinus infection is gone I'm cooking.  I'm planning ahead for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer.

Last IVF didn't go too well.  J was lost, confused and in general didn't know what to do to make my life easier.  When I should have been relaxing on the couch with nothing more strenuous in mind than changing a channel on the remote I was cooking for both of us.  This time will be different.

This time I preparing food for me.  Just me, not him.  J isn't on a dietary restriction.  J is a wonderful cook when he wants to be.  Last IVF, he prepared for himself from scratch Beef Wellington.  He made everything including the crust.

So I'm not exactly sure why he doesn't know one pot from a pan from a baking sheet when it comes to preparing a meal for both of us.  He took Home Ec in high school just like I did.  His mother encouraged him to learn to cook so that when he was on his own he wouldn't starve just like my mom did.

Currently I have three servings of a blue cheese casserole and one serving of a divine low sodium soup in the freezer.  Its enough for four dinners for me.  Tonight, if I feel like it, I'll cook some more and put more aside.  If I have the energy I'll be making Swedish meatballs, rice and peas.

I figure that if I make enough for 6 nightly meals I'll be set for the main parts of the egg retrieval and embryo transfer.  Just about anyone can reheat a frozen pre-cooked meal. 

I made enough of my no recipe, low sodium soup last night for both of us to enjoy and still have some for me to freeze.  Soup the night of the ER is about all I can handle too.  I don't know about you but all I wanted the first 48 hours was just enough calories in me to take my pain medicine.

The blue cheese casserole is a bit higher in sodium than I'd like but if its divided into three servings it won't be all that bad.  I was figuring the carbohydrates in it would be a nice safe bet the day after the ER or even the day of the ET.

Well this is me remaining hopeful and planning ahead.  I have to take care of me because in the end I'm the one I can most rely upon.  J being Army and all means that he might not be here as much as I'd like him to be for anything past donating his gametes to this endevour.  I'm already begging him to find out when his next CQ shift is and class dates too so that I know if I need to find a friend to take me to Seattle or not.

Well enough rambling.  Oh and to give some feedback.  I haven't been watching much SCI-FI of late.  I've never heard of Battlefield Earth to be honest, really I thought maybe it was a game or something.  I'm starting to think Sunflower has an idea with the separate bedrooms and maybe it will feel like sneaking around into each others beds if we do decide that route is best.  Kind of like when we were dating and our folks wanted us in different bedrooms.  Could be rather fun.

Monday, January 2, 2012


Today I'll be learning how to do Kirigami.  I got this particular page-a-day calendar as a gift this past Christmas and I plan on cutting it to pieces.

Well hopefully in the right pieces and places as I've never done Kirigami before.  Origami, yes.   I can do a few things with paper in folding it, but the cutting out is going to be a bit trickier with my carpal tunnel.

I've never had a page-a-day calendar as usually I find them useless and really annoying when trying to book appointments.  My mom had one at her desk near the phone where we'd book our appointments as a kid.  Did I say I don't like them?

But this one is going to prove to be a bit of fun.  Or at least I hope it will be fun and not frustrating.  Maybe I'll even find it relaxing.

Speaking of relaxing.  I've been doing my Circle + Bloom each night for the past few days after I take my bath.  I'm not sure if its helping as of yet because last night I had a difficult time sleeping; I hear every noise in the house when I'm its only occupant.  J wasn't here in the house like he normally is after work.  Yesterday J had his CQ duty 24 hour shift.  He got home about an hour ago and is now sleeping.  I'd snuggle up with him for a bit of relaxation but he is a restless sleeper that snores.  Much as I love him I'm starting to think we need separate bedrooms so we both get a good night's sleep.  I'm a light sleeper and easily awakened, and not necessarily in a good mood when woken up.

Yes I know that sounds terrible but really, I can see why folks sleep in twin beds if they have cover issues. I can understand why some folks, a century ago, slept in different rooms; makes for better sleep and a better marriage too in my book.  My husband steals the covers, hogs the bed and snores, which keeps me awake or gives me very little sleep.  Mind you sleep is very important in an IVF cycle when one wants to maintain good health. 

Maybe its because J was away from me for so long with the deployment, hardship tour, and training.  Maybe that is why he has such poor bed sharing skills.   I love our bed, I love my husband but I can't sleep in the same bed with him and find it relaxing at all.  Its more a battlefield for space, warmth, and silence.

So maybe this Kirigami will help me release a bit more stress.  Maybe I can do it mindlessly so that I can figure out solutions to the sleep issue.  When I knit I let my mind wander but knitting hurts my hands.  So maybe this will be my new craft for this year.