Thursday, February 28, 2013

Brighter Day

Other than being sick yesterday I don't have much to dampen my spirits.  Still spotting with lower back and pelvic pain but no where near as bad as it was before.

I managed to dye my hair today.

I'll get started on laundry as soon as J wakes up.  He had CQ duty last night and our laundry room isn't far from the bedroom walls.

I'm looking forward to the marriage retreat.  This one is in Seattle.  Though I've lived in Western Washington for four and a half years I've never stayed over night or shopped in Seattle.  I've been dragged through it with my husband's friend looking for the utili-kilt place and I've been there four times for the two IVFs.

I'm not expecting much so if fun is to be had I'll be pleasantly surprised.  I'm going to the marriage retreat to work on the marriage not go out on the town.  I have good communication skills but J doesn't so that makes it hard on the marriage.  I blow my top easily, thanks to the borderline personality disorder and PTSD, while J remains calm.  J is the passive aggressive sort.  He'll still get what he wants using his own ways.  Our marriage has a lot of room for improvement and I do see us growing old together.

Side note...
Yesterday I watched Raising Arizona for the first time.  How could one infertile couple justify stealing a kid from another infertile couple even if they did have more than they bargained for?  Stupid premise.  That movie gives infertile couples a bad reputation.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013


So I had a migraine today. 

Stayed in bed until  1325 hrs.

Still had a dull headache rest of the day including now.

Meh, I'll be better in a day I hope.

Wanted to dye hair today but I'll just do it tomorrow.  There isn't anything that important going on right now that can't wait until tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Eight More Days

Some good news to share with all of you.  My Tens Unit arrived via UPS yesterday.  However, according to the new booklet of updated information they included with it this time I can't use it on the menstruating uterus or the pregnant uterus.  My RE was wrong about that one.  But I can use it on my back and limbs if I have pain there during those particular life events.

More good news to blog about; my bleeding is slowing down finally!    I might just be able to enjoy myself at the marriage retreat this weekend rather than being face down on the conference table sucking up the coldness of the table.  Bit of bad though, revving up for ovulation and that pain has already started on the right side.  If only the eggs I produced were good quality I'd not complain about the pain.  Well maybe I would complain but not as much.

Even better news.  Eight more days until the appointment at PNW.  I'm excited.  I have the donor egg profile numbers written down and will put them in my calendar book.  I'm really hoping to get my first choice as she has similar features and likes that I do along with the same blood type.  However, I do have five other donor egg profiles picked out.  J and I did take our time picking out who we'd like to be the genetic donor.  Not sure just how much it matters but two of the donors, not high on the list we have, do have a different blood type from me but the same RH factor.

This week I'm going over to Madigan and speak face-to-face with the IVF/donor egg Nurse coordinator and bring along the forms that need to be faxed.  I want to make sure that everything is in its proper place before we get to the donor egg clinic.

I'm very excited.  I'm hopeful.  The eggs we'll be getting don't have endometriosis so we have a higher chance of the pregnancy working.  I can get pregnant with my own eggs but it just doesn't want to be a viable pregnancy.

If this works, scary thought, J and I will have more hurdles in the future to cross.  But they are ones I'm more than willing to jump.  First one will be in telling family.  How much do we tell them?  Some of the family aren't all that understanding which is too bad really.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Suck It Up and Update on the RE Call

Just heard back from the RE office.

Nurse S called me because IVF nurse J was busy doing clinic.

Nurse S said they heard back from Lt.Col.B. over the weekend.  (wonders why they didn't call me or email since they have my email address)

He said there is nothing that they can do for me.

She said I can take Motrin and I'm to rest. 

Not to worry about the fever unless it goes up to 100.5.  (considering it was just a tad over that last night I'm thinking that maybe she meant 105 and not 100.5)

So I told Nurse S that I'm to suck it up and she said she wouldn't put it that way because it would be rude to say it but that yes there is nothing that can be done for me.

So I'm your problem child?  She said unfortunately it looks that way since they can't help me. 

Sighs.  I did tell her I had thought seriously about going to the ER but realized that they too couldn't do much for me and would probably tell me just that.

Nurse S is really nice.  She did mean well.  I just frustrated that they can't do a thing for me to make this easier.   She was a bit miffed at IVF nurse J who told me to not take pain killers.  Nurse S assumed that the other nurse thought I was doing a FET soon.  I said not until at least the end of May.  So there is no reason why I can't take something for pain when I need it with the exception of my stomach issues which might not always tolerate the Motrin.

So some good news:
I can take pain killer
They are well aware of my issues
This is going to be my new "normal" as I continue to age and battle Endometriosis

Seriously they need to find a cure for Endometriosis as this really sucks!   I have a marriage retreat this weekend and would rather not be packing a suitcase filled with feminine supplies.

Still Going

It is CD 5.

I called the RE office IVF nurse this morning and left her a message.  I'm sure Nurse J will get back to me as soon as she can.

Last night I had a slight fever at just over 100.  (100.2 actually)

Still passing large clots.

Still having a lot of pelvic pain.

Pain radiated down left thigh and goes up to my neck on the left side as well.

Hurts to try to squat and sit.  Feels like a rod is rammed up my butt and out through my pelvis at times.

This is the period from hell.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Sound of a Cow in Labor

Yesterday J and I drove up to a cousin's house for a wedding.  It was a lovely ceremony.

I should have stayed at home.

The 1.5 hour ride back home left me making noises like a cow in labor.

I'm not kidding.

I was fervently praying to God to let me get through the ID check at the gate without making the offending noises to alert the guards that I was in such pain.  It worked.  I made it to the house.

Poor J had to listen to me moan, groan and cry. 

I was panting and trying to breath through each contraction.

Yes the were muscle contractions.  My lower back was in spasm and my pelvic region decided to run a competition.  I was having my own version of the pain Olympics.

I was told the other day no pain killers by the IVF nurse.  Only hot packs and a hot bath.  Oh and I could use my tens unit but um that hasn't arrived from Vancouver yet.  I sent it out about 10 days ago for a battery swap out.  Not sure what is taking it so long to get here.  It would have been quicker for me to drive down there and exchange the battery myself in person.

When we got into the house I had trouble exiting the car.  Movement to bend was almost impossible the pain was so bad.  I would have thought sitting for 1.5 hours I would be able to bend forward easily but nope.  I should have realized I couldn't bend without pain as every time a spasm would hit my back I'd arch against the seat belt causing more pelvic pain.

Today I warned J that if I have another episode like last night I'll go to the ER without a fuss.  I'd rather not go on a weekend if at all possible.  I'm not dying though I rather feel like it at times when the blood leaves my face making me dizzy.

CD 4 and I'm still bleeding heavy.  Normally by now I'm down to spotting.  I can't say enough, Something Is Wrong!

Friday, February 22, 2013

CD 2 Endo Wins

Today is cycle day two.  The pain from the Endometriosis is pretty bad today and was so last night.

Last cycle was only 18 days and I have my suspicions why it was so short.

  • I have crappy eggs that have endo defects and bad mitrochondria      ----OR-----
  • it was because The RE office scheduled my SIS for just after ovulation making implantation impossible.
It could be both. 

I did tell the male receptionist that I had ovulated on Sunday when I went in to make sure I had instructions on the next day Monday.  I had done the blood work at the lab.  They figured that an HCG test would sufficient.  I beg to differ.  Had they done a progesterone test they might have noticed it was on the rise already and quite possibly have elected to do the SIS next cycle during the days 5-8 it was supposed to be done.

Not at CD 10!

At CD 12 my progesterone was already 13.13.  Had they checked it at CD 9 it might have shown the rise that would have moved the test date. 

Had they listened to me at test day, CD 10 when I told them I was bleeding and deferred testing for another cycle I might not have been in such  pain from the SIS. 

Had Major S actually paid attention to what she was doing and not gotten all up in my face after things might have gone a bit differently. 

Right now I have no trust or faith in my RE office and these are the medical personnel  I'll be trusting to coordinate my care with PNW. 

I'm scared.

Oh the reason why they pushed out the CD 5-8 test for SIS to CD 10 was because they didn't have a slot for me on those days.  So much for Lt.Col.B. promising my spouse and I that he would make sure if they had to add a slot one would be added.  He might have requested it but his staff ignored his request.  My guess is because he isn't in the office but one day a week and this week he wasn't there at all.

Those who follow my blog and do use the same clinic I have a question or two for you....

Have you had problems with scheduling?

Have you had issues with their staff?

Have you had to go back and remind the staff on more than one occasion that they forgot to put in a lab test they said they would put in but you find that when you get to the lab it isn't there?

Have they forgotten to put in your meds and you get to the pharmacy to find out there is nothing there in the system for you after waiting in line for a long time?

I've had all of the above happen to me and I'm wondering if I'm not alone.  Let me know.  Thanks.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

CD 19 or CD 1

Hello to all for the start of ICLW!

Something is wrong.

This post is going to be TMI so there is your warning.

I have yet to have a pain free day since CD 10 when the SIS was done.

I've had spotting since CD 10 but that did start just an hour before the SIS so I can't blame the SIS.

Today I passed two blackish clots the size of eraser caps, the kind as kids we used to put over our pencil erasers.

I also had enough bloody mucus to cover my hand when I got up this morning.  Thankfully my hand was covered with toilet paper so it wasn't that gross.  But for a gross factor it was stringy from the mucus being akin to EWCM just mixed with blood.

Something isn't right.

I called the IVF nurse J at my RE clinic and had to leave a voice mail.  No surprise there.  She was "on the phone" her message said.  Yes my clinic is just that busy.  We have folks from Hawaii, Germany, and Alaska flying in to use our clinic because the Army tells them to use it.  Funny how Hawaii has their own clinic but one patient complained enough about the long waiting list that she got to use our clinic.  That's right make the waiting list longer for the people here lady.  Good thing that patient isn't in the UK I've heard the wait lists are really long.

So my messed up cycle is even more messed up.

The pain is still radiating down my left thigh from the ovary area.  That hasn't changed one bit.

Hoping to hear back from my clinic soon.

Nurse M, my favorite nurse, called me back.  She said after looking over Lt.Col.B's notes, he is out today, that there isn't much to be done right now.  She offered me pain meds but realizes that I won't be able to take them.  I'm to monitor blood loss of course.  Now it is a just wait and see.  She is hoping it turns out to be implantation bleeding as I'm right  in that window.  Yes even with the two clots she said it is possible.

We'll see.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Making Cookies Today

Today I'm making cookies for the soldiers my husband works with here on post.

I had a special request for Oatmeal Raisin cookies.  I find it an unusual request as most folks seem to go for the chocolate ones the most.  I too love oatmeal cookies.  One of my babysitters always had them on hand for my brother and I growing up.

The recipe I'm using is from the lid of the Quaker Oats container.  Nothing special.

Oh and I'd best get to it if I'm going to get them made today.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Swiss Cheesed

Okay one of us, J or I , made a boo-boo.

This morning I was looking high and low for the honey.  It wasn't in the high cabinet and it wasn't in the lower cabinets where the dry goods are kept.  I wanted honey with my Greek yogurt.

Where did I find it?  In the fridge!

I know my brain has been off of late so it could have been me.  But why would I put the honey in the fridge?  I know that J bumps around in the early morning hours before he has had his coffee.  Could have been him.

This weekend I went into the kitchen specifically to change out the kitchen linen for the laundry I was gathering up.  I grabbed the dirty stuff and put it into the wash.  I go back into the kitchen and just stand there staring and trying to remember what I was in there for.  My husband stares at me.  He knew what I forgot but didn't tell me.  Not sure if he is trying to help by not telling me but when I forget why I came into a room it is really frustrating.  Thanks progesterone!  You are making my fibro fog worse.

But I am thankful that I can remember to dress myself and feed myself so the fibro fog isn't bad enough to cause scandal.

Side note:
Left breast is sore and swollen so if I fell into something I didn't bruise and can't remember doing damage so I think it could be PMS.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Lazy Day

Not much to do here today.  Well okay I could probably find something to do but I'm just so darn tired.

My rude neighbors decided to have parties on Saturday and Sunday nights.  Really loud too.  Last night's party they were outside and drunk enough they didn't care that it was raining.

Before it started raining the drunken idiots, I mean idiots, were thinking it was all sorts of fun to burn rubber not once but twice in the residential area.  I guess they don't care about children?  Funny how the driver of the car has a kid too and chose to drink then drive home at midnight with kid in tow.  Did I call the MPs?  You bet I did.  Well okay J called them.

MPs told J that it isn't up to them to do something about the neighbors.  We have to call housing.  Since when do the MPs not care about drunken idiots on a holiday weekend here on JBLM?  We still asked them to come out since J pointed out that housing except for housing only like flooding  of a broken pipe won't answer for emergencies.

So that is the reason why I'm tired.  Inconsiderate neighbors.  I can only hope that the next installation that I go to the neighbors will be more considerate.  They are truly giving enlisted folks a bad name with their antics here.

Symptoms Update:

Pelvic pain is backing off. 
Breasts have shrunken back down and no longer ache.
Food aversion to pineapple.

I think the progesterone is slacking off to more normal and AF will be here by next week Monday.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Still Cramping and Spotting

So since today is CD 14 I've most likely ovulated by now.

I'm still cramping and I'm still spotting.

Breasts have been bothersome since before the SIS but can be explained away with the progesterone level being 13.13 on CD 12.

I'm so tired.

Do I think I have a chance?  Not really given my track record.

Am I hoping?  You bet I am.  But considering how old I am I think if I did end up pregnant I'd be scared because of all the things that could go wrong with old eggs.  We all know that I had planned on going to donor eggs and have been talking about it since last Autumn.

Now it is just a wait and see. 

10 more days till AF or Beta.

Friday, February 15, 2013

A Bit Better Today

Yesterday I went for a walk.  Really no choice in the matter as J had to get back to work so I had to walk home from the hosptial.

Today I'm feeling a bit better as long as I don't squat then try to lift anything.  Sitting is still somewhat painful and I have a bad backache. 

I'm sure the pain is only going to be temporary and if I remember to stretch and breath, not hold my breath since that will cramp the muscles quicker, I'll manage just fine without pain medicine.  I've only taken the one motrin and that was yesterday.  But I did hot pack the pelvis last night.  I'll do so again tonight since a rice bag isn't going to harm me.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Last Update for Today I Promise

P4 is 13.13
E2 is 108
CBC was normal

So I ovulated from the right but lefty looks like it could still go.  I'll take care of that one tonight with any luck.  I mean it is Valentine's Day!

No progesterone support.   Lt.Col.B. said I am producing sufficient progesterone to give him confidence for the pregnancy unsupported.

Oh and once my Ten's unit comes back with the new battery in it I'll be able to use that through a pregnancy.  Yay!  Because the women with endometriosis out there know that pregnancy doesn't always quiet down the pain but can sometimes make it worse.

For my blogger friend that asked:
SIS is Saline Infusion Sonogram.  The person doing the exam inserts a speculum into the vagina then threads in a catheter.  They then pump the uterus full of saline and insert the wand to see what they can see for possible abnormal structures, fibroids, sometimes foreign bodies (not going there) and so on.  It is just another way to do a uterine evaluation besides the hysteosalpingeogram.

Hope everyone has a great day.  Mentally I'm feeling better already.  12 days till AF or Beta.

Update on Pain Issues

Lt.Col. B. wanted me to come in today.  I guess the nurse talked to him instead of Dr.C.

I went in.  He did a smear of the blood and mucus to look under the microscope and it was okay.  He said that I had a reaction to the SIS but that since the fever broke and the white cell count on the smear looked good that things should clear up.

He did order a CBC, P4 and E2.

Even though I don't tolerate pain meds well he did ask me to take 800 mg of Ibuprofen to reduce the inflammation and to continue to hot pack the area.

The ultrasound revealed that Capt Major S. is rather incompetent.   The follicular cyst on the right side is now measuring 2.5 cm but has a cloudy ring in it which could mean either endometriosis or a corpus luteal cyst.  Oh and she entirely missed the one on the left.  She said I had nothing on the left.  I have an 18mm cyst on the left.  Granted it was probably about 14 on Tuesday but how can you miss that?

I said absolutely nothing negative about Major S to Lt.Col.B.  I will if she continues to be an idiot.

So the pain is from the SIS and the possibility that I have adhesion growing back.  Dr.B. is concerned as he knows that J and I want to move on to donor eggs as soon as possible.

In 12 days I'm to go in for blood work if I don't get a period.  Most likely I will.

I'll find out what the lab tests reveal in an hour.

The RE Office Doesn't Care

Honestly I've known for a while that the military RE office doesn't care.  If they can't throw clomid at the victim and knock them up within 3 cycles then they basically write you off.  Well okay they'll keep you if you've got the money for up to two rounds of IVF but that is it.  I was going to be let go from the clinic after the second IVF failed.  See they don't let you do three IVFs here even if you are the one paying for it all.

I'm sick of this nonsense.

Last night I called the IVF nurse coordinator who also coordinates the donor eggs.  She finally called me back at 0852 hrs.  So much for the first call of the day at 0730 hrs.

She said they won't do another ultrasound.  I kind of figured they wouldn't I told her.

She said they'd need a urine sample to check for a bladder infection.  I told her it isn't my bladder.  I've had a bladder infection before and I remember well what that feels like.  I explained to her it hurts to get into the squat position to pee and the muscles spasm after causing a lot of pain making my body not want to pee for fear of pain.

She said 100 is not a fever.  She said I am most probably just ovulating.  She said they don't go by temperatures any longer as they aren't accurate.  Really?   I said to her that I still have all my old temperature charts and never was it 100 and if she'd like to see them I'm more than willing to bring them in for her.

I said to her so what you are saying is that you aren't worried about this.  She said, "no".  I said okay then whatever.  Yes I did say whatever.

When I said the whatever she said she could run it by Dr.C. later today and see what he thinks.  So in that time where she should have been getting back to me first thing in the morning she wasn't even asking the doctor's opinion.  Great!

What I'm wondering is where is Lt.Col. B.  Today is the day he is at the clinic.  He does research on endometriosis and only has clinic hours one day a week...THURSDAYS.  So why wouldn't he be able to answer the questions I have?

Wait I think I did already say that the RE office didn't care right?  

I'm guessing that I should have done what my spouse suggested last night, we were both in our pajamas and I didn't want him to have to change, and go directly to the ER.  I figured that with it being Thursday the next day that Lt.Col.B. would be the one to handle this.  He is truly the only one there right now that actually cares.  He insisted that the clinic push forward without orders in hand from PNW to start the testing now.

J is pissed.  I'm upset.  Oh and because I'm still supposed to do timed intercourse this week I'm supposed to have sex tonight because the pain I'm feeling, according to the nurse, is just ovulation pain.  This is not ovulation pain!

Happy Valentine's Day to all that celebrate.  I'll be celebrating with a hot rice bag from bed.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Complications After SIS

Yesterday I had the Saline Infusion Sonogram.

Today I have:
  1. Really bad cramps.  Coughing or even yawning not to forget sneezing hurts like hell.
  2. I have a fever tonight.  100 even at 2019 hrs.  Not happy about either.
I will be calling my RE office first thing tomorrow and asking for an appointment to find out what the heck went wrong.

Something isn't right.  A low grade fever still sucks and my pelvis hurts like it did before I had the surgery last year.

Half and Half

I have some good news to share and some bad news.

  • First off the mammogram went well.  The tech said that I should not be surprised if I get called back again for more imaging but overall the imaging went well. 
  • I started bleeding while in the waiting room of the RE office.  Before the internal exam mind you.  Oh and it was CD 10 and I stopped bleeding 5 days before.
  • The SIS went well.  My uterus looks great.
  • I had bloody mucus on the cervix.  
  • I have a large follicle 2x3 cm on day 10 of my cycle.  Lots of pain on that side.  Pain when sitting and bending.
Aftermath.  I'm not going to go into all the bad I dealt with at my RE office but suffice it to say I don't have a high opinion of Capt. S.  She has zero compassion.

Conflicting information was given to me from her.  My husband was also upset with her.  I should probably follow up with an ICE report and I might just do that.   The woman needs to go back to medical school.

  • Today I got my call back from the IVF coordinator nurse.  She said that Capt. S.  feels as though my bleeding is not related to the endometriosis but because of my age.
  • My hormones are fluctuating because of my age and I am low in progesterone I was told. I was not offered hormonal support this cycle.  I was also told timed intercourse.  Can you believe they are just now admitting I have a hormone deficit issue?
  • I was told I can hot pack the painful area as that would increase blood flow.  I was told to not take NSAIDs as that would increase blood flow.  OKAY MAKE UP MY MIND!
Oh it just gets better but I'm not going to bore you all with details and I don't want to make my fingers bleed with all the typing I would have to do in the the telling of their stupidity.  There was a lot of contradicting assvice given out.  Such as Capt.S. feels as though I have a good chance to get pregnant this cycle but then tells me my eggs are too old.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


Of late I've noticed that I'm far from alone with all the stress of trying to conceive.  It is like it has hit our community with the force of an epidemic.

Maybe we can find a way to blog less about our stress and blog more about what we are thankful for.

So I'm going to make this post more about what I am thankful for rather than thinking about the stress of my tests.  Oh I have the right to be stressed out.  But I'm sure my followers know why. 

  • Even though I have Endometriosis Stage III I am thankful for the fact that I do have my really caring doctor back again at the clinic.
  • Even though I have some issues to be stressed over when it comes to my right breast I am thankful that I can get the necessary screening for early detection.  Many women can't afford the test.
  • Even though I am in pain daily I can call my network of providers for support.  It might take me a while to get an appointment but I'm not dying.
  • I'm fat but in some cases that isn't so bad.  Being fat does have an advantage that if they have to yank out my ovaries I probably won't need estrogen replacement therapy.
  • I'm middle aged but that too has an advantage.  I'm no longer in my 20's and 30's worrying about what might happen to me in those decades, like an unexpected pregnancy.  I'm now at that age that I have to plan with very few surprises.  No I am not talking about the infertile community that has to plan at every age for children.
  • Acne for the most part is a thing of the past.  The only time my face breaks out now is if my hands are on my face too much or I'm on hormones that can cause breakouts.
  • I am finally comfortable with myself.  I know who I am and where I want to be in life.  I'm not worried about what other people think about me as much as I was a decade or two ago.
  • I've traveled a lot and lived abroad.  
  • I've worked overseas and not just vacationed there.
  • Most importantly, when the world seems to have tossed me to the side and even my spouse and I don't see an equal ground, I know that God still loves me and will listen to me.  I just have to be willing to listen for the answer to the problems I am facing that seem so insurmountable.

Monday, February 11, 2013

To Pee or Not To Pee

So since this is my last cycle peeing on opks I decided to start early with them.

CD 6 neg.  Didn't think it would be otherwise.

CD 7 forgot to pee on stick

CD 8  WTF?  POSITIVE.  Test line darker than control line.  Lots of pain on right side all day.

CD 9  Today.  Positive with test line being as dark as control line but not as dark as test line yesterday.

Tons of EWCM.

No BD.  J had his SA today.  Most likely cycle will be a bust.

Had 9 blood tests done today in preparation for Egg Donation Cycle.

Will have results of HCG test in about an hour.  Obviously it will be negative.

Tomorrow J does the rest of his testing, blood work presumably.  I have my mammogram, PAP and SIS tomorrow afternoon.  We'll find out a few more of the test results in office if we are lucky.

So that is where I stand or sit.  Tomorrow I might pee on another stick to see if the lines are still just as dark.  Remember I'm known for producing more than one follicle on an unmedicated cycle.  My ovaries also refuse to release them all at once too, even with the aid of hormones!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Back to the Diet

So I failed for the last three weeks.  I've had a bit of stress and fell into the chocolate cravings.  I think it is understandable considering the chemical pregnancy I had.  Yes, most of the weight I gained back I did so last week wallowing in self-pity.

Today I went back to my diet of calorie counting.  It isn't so bad.  I finally recalled the foods I was eating back in 2011 that helped me stay full and lose weight.

Fage yogurt with honey added

Unsalted nuts

Diluted Tart Cherry Juice

Low calorie bread for sandwiches

Homemade mini pizzas

Hot cocoa in the evening to stave off my late night chocolate cravings

Other than the above I carefully measure and calculate what I can eat.  Well yes I do calculate the calories per serving of the above foods too but I think you understand what I'm getting at. 

I'm hoping to have back off the almost 6 pounds I put back on recently and of course take off at least 20 more before the donor egg cycle has become a FET.

I've got to stick with this.  I'm a 34 BMI and though that number is within guidelines it isn't a healthy BMI.  I need to get back to my 30 BMI and under to make myself happier.  I need to feel good about how I look and know that I'll have a better chance at a healthier pregnancy.

I can do this.  All I ask of my readers is to send me support often to stay the path even when things don't go as I planned.  I'm an emotional eater.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Scratching My Head confusion.

Last night I had a conversation with a family member, I shall not mention who, that told me I need to stop writing on FB what I have about the Army as it is most likely affecting J's job.

I wrote that I made cookies for the soldiers at the COF this week.  Um, is there something wrong with that?

J and I looked over my FB page and tried to figure out what this vague statement from a family member was in correspondence with that I wrote.  Nope, couldn't find squat.

Said family member mentioned that they didn't read my blog.  My blog is where I b*tch about Army stuff.  But I don't mention names.  I complain about as much as any other spouse and in all likelihood less than most military spouses.

I'm confused.  Where would I be complaining about the Army if not here? 

I have stated several times that I love being an Army Wife. 

I do complain about things when:

1) our leave gets canceled again

2) the soldiers aren't being giving proper medical treatment

3) I can't get in to see the specialist that the doctors want me to see because they don't have one available for family members

4) J is told to make an appointment for medical then the first line forgets and chews him out when he isn't where the first line wants him to be even though he is supposed to be where he is as in at the appointment.

5)  They promise to have promotion boards then decide that those on Rear D aren't worthy of going to the board then turn around and complain that the ones on Rear D aren't trying to get promoted.

I think my followers can see the valid reasons for my complaining.  Obviously my family member that is complaining about my complaining has no valid reason for said complaining as they have not lived a day in my shoes. 

So if you are reading this dear family member that says they don't read my blog:  GET OFF MY BACK!

Friday, February 8, 2013

Odds and Ends

Yesterday I decided to suck up my dislike of sick people and go to the clinic to have my finger looked at.  It isn't that I don't really like sick people so much as I don't want to get sick.  I think many of you can understand that particular issue since my immune system is trashed of late.

I was able to get a same day appointment for the finger.  I did everything I should have when I found it to be dislocated.  I reduced the dislocation by gently rotating back into place and buddy taping it.  Followed up not by ice but warm soaks and heating pads.  Ice is mainly for the immediate pain.  I wanted to work the finger back into place.

I didn't see my PCM but I did see a PA.  She was happy with my self treatment but wanted an x-ray.  I said no.  I'll be getting enough radiation with the mammogram next week and I'd rather not start glowing in the dark.  Well okay I know I won't glow in the dark.

She said I have a ligament strain which she said means a tear.  She prescribed an NSAID gel (Volteran gel) to apply to the area.  Seems as though with all my craft work I'm starting to develop arthritis in my hands now.  Great!  I won't be using the gel often as I have have high blood pressure, asthma, and a stomach ulcer plus if I get pregnant again it wouldn't be good for the fetus.

So I get to continue with my home treatment as I said no to occupational therapy.  Sure I'd love to go but with one vehicle it isn't likely that I'll be able to make the appointments.  I had to quit physical therapy for the same reasons.  I told J the reason why I said no to the therapy and he was sorry to hear the vehicle was the reason why.  Well really is there anything I can do?  No.  He needs the vehicle since I work from home.

Speaking of working from home.  I really detest when USPS changes their rates.  I had to go through every listing in my shop this morning and delete overseas and Canadian shipping.  The rates have gone up that much that no one in their right mind will want to pay out $7-9 for shipping on a $4 item.  I'm hoping I won't lose too much business.  I did have some overseas buyers last year.

Last little odd and end to share.  Odd dream last night.  I was beheaded and sent to the underworld.  I had to die to go there first.  Then I was advised that in order to see things as they really were I had to let go of the preconceptions and judgements.  Things did become clearer quite quickly in the underworld and I enjoyed the dream rather than it becoming a nightmare.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Saturday Night Widows

I did find it a bit hard to relate to this book.  Oh I've had my fair share of losses.  I've lost a spouse but he didn't die, unfortunately.  I know that sounds awful.  If he had died at least I had insurance coverage on him and the funeral would have been fully paid for unlike my ER visits and the cost of my divorce lawyer.

The way I lost my first spouse was devastating.  I didn't mind seeing the door hit his ass on the way out but I mind losing him to another woman. Not a younger woman.  But she was pregnant.

No, not pregnant with my ex-husband's child either.  She was still married at the time to her first husband and pregnant with their second child while carrying on an affair with my spouse.

I had one of those type of marriages that everyone dreads.   I had the spouse that mentally and physically abused me, as if the cheating on me wasn't bad enough.  When I found out he was cheating for sure, I had my suspicions he was with various women for years, I went to the doctor's office and got myself tested for every known STD.

How did I find out?  Well it wasn't bad enough that my own mother knew and didn't tell me.  She saw him grocery shopping with the other woman and her young son.  It wasn't bad enough that our close friends knew about the affair and supported him while lying to me.  The clues were there all along.  He worked nights and didn't come home at the end of shift.  He would tell me he would be out with the guys for breakfast then lie about where he went.  He wouldn't answer his cell phone, not even when I was calling to tell him his mother was in the hospital.  I found the final clue while doing laundry.  I won't go into details but I will tell you that my ex-husband does not have blonde pubic hairs nor do I.  Underwear doesn't lie.  I was thoroughly grossed out and confronted him when he got home.

I lost a spouse the way in which I never dreamed; considering he was active duty Army for six years.  I lost him to another woman.  Karma has its own quirks.  The female he left me for, he recently left too.  Yes, he left her for another woman, a younger woman this time.  My heart does go out to the second wife as I'm sure he tried to control her too.  But I can't help feeling that she got a taste of Karma since she knew he was beating me while carrying on her meretricious affair

My life does have a happily ever after.  I married again.  My husband and I are actively trying to create a family while continuing to grow closer together through the many challenges  the Army throws our way.  Life is an adventure and it should be lived that way.

This post was inspired by Saturday Night Widows by Becky Aikman. After being kicked out of her widow support group for being too young, Becky creates her own support group with an unusual twist. Join From Left to Write on February 14 as we discuss Saturday Night Widows. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


Well I thought everything was booked for the labs, and tests but I thought wrong.

Today I called my RE office to make sure that J's labs were also to be on the same day and that I have my mammogram booked as well.  J's labs, because I just requested them, will be done the same day.

However, the mammogram cannot be booked by the RE office or OB/GYN.  Really?  My PCM has to book it.  What!

Yeah, the man that knows so little about my woman bits gets to book my mammogram.  I called up his office and requested to speak with a nurse about the issue.  She took the message and will speak with my PCM.  I really hope he understands that I need to get this done.  This is the same man that denied me the pulmonary specialist even though I'm supposed to see one yearly.  Same man that decided my lack of pigment on my neck was a fungus and prescribed me a shampoo for it.  I told him it wasn't a fungus and I'm right.  I did ask for a referral to see the dermatologist since I've had blistering sunburns on my face and skin cancer runs rampant in my family.  Of course he denied me the dermatologist.

I can only hope that the nurse can convince the man that I need the mammogram done soon.  I have to have it for the appointment or at least booked.  I haven't had one in almost two years because TriCare doesn't allow PAP smears and mammograms for those over 40 years of age but every two years unless there is a darn good reason why you should have one.

Hopefully the nurse will be able to call me back today with some good information.  Maybe even be willing to book an appointment that will work with my schedule too?  I can hope.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Moving Forward

Not sure if J and I will do an IUI this new cycle but today I did start the online paperwork for the donor eggs.

My SIS and PAP are scheduled for the 12th of Feb.  Bloodwork is the day before.

If all goes well I'll have nearly everything complete before the March 6th appointment.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

24 Hours Makes A Big Difference

I woke up in pain.  A lot of pain.  Pain in my pelvis.  I knew without a doubt that I had just lost this pregnancy too.

Walking slowly into the bathroom I took the HPT and it was negative.  Yesterday's joy was gone.

I kind of knew the positive result wouldn't be long lived.  The nightmares had started before I woke up in pain.  Before my period starts I always get nightmares.  The PTSD nightmares.

Sure enough I'm bleeding.  It is a full bleed too.

I guess waking up to a dislocated finger on Friday morning wasn't enough for me to have over a weekend.  I have no clue just how I dislocated the finger but with hypermobile joints, fibromyalgia and a TBI it isn't likely that I would remember how I did the event that left my finger in pain.  I taped the ring finger on the right hand to the middle finger next to it.  I've done this before.  If the pain and swelling aren't less by tomorrow I'll call my PCM.  Right now to let the middle finger not be so stiff I have it freed from the tape.

The sinus infection is raging enough that I've woken up with broken capillaries on my left facial cheek, pain in the maxillary sinuses now too.  It was just located to the Ethimoid ,Sphenoid, and Frontal sinuses.  I guess the Maxillary sinuses got jealous and wanted in on the game?

Suffice it to say I ache.    I'm bleeding from my nose and vagina.  Not sure which end needs the feminine product more.  (trying for a little humor)

I'm not going to dwell on the chemical pregnancy or the horrible pain of this miscarriage either.  I have endometriosis and I really didn't expect it to be much different because it does affect my egg quality.  J and I will do one more natural cycle with some hope since we have time before we go on to the donor egg appointment in March.  Really what is $200 for an IUI when we will be spending just under $19,000.00 for the donor eggs not including the medicine?

I have yet to read or post the comments from everyone from yesterday.  I'll get to that next.  For now housework calls.  I'll work through this pain like I normally do.  Hey, I was scrubbing the utility room floor on Friday with a scrub brush on my knees with my finger disjointed.  I think I can take the pelvic pain. 

Sorry to anyone that I haven't been commenting on your blogs as often this past week.  My wireless router had issues and had to be removed from the computer.  Time to go buy a new one.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

No Matter How Faint...

a line is a line.

Most likely this is a chemical pregnancy.

Terrible photo with glare I know.  Hard to see faint second line in this photo unless you squint but the line is there and J saw it too with ease.

Started back on progesterone and if this sticks I hope the spotting which started on 12 dpo stops.  Not enough for a pad but I'm wearing one just in case.

I'll test again tomorrow and find out if the RE nurse got my message today on Monday.  If she did I'll go in for the beta and see about scheduling the tests I need if it is a chemical.

Nothing else to say because there just isn't anything to say at this point.

Friday, February 1, 2013

A Big No

My doctor just called.  He said no to the femera.

Reasons why:

My AMH 1.5 years ago was .6

I develop ovarian cysts too easily from being stimulated by hormones.

It takes 180 days for Femera to make any bit of difference in ova quality.

I don't have enough time so no Femara for me.  I do ovulate every cycle but I have crappy eggs.  Still I tried to explain to the doctor that for me it is implantation issues.  I told him I realize that the mitochondria is probably bad and that might have something to do with the implantation along with the endometriosis.  Doctor did say that his team was really worried about me last year when they got inside me and found what they did find.  Oh well.  That was then, this is now.

We joked about twins on my side of the family but the doctor did state he would be happy if I just had one baby at a time considering the health risks.  I realize that I have a 50% chance of making it out alive to delivery.   I know that many of you probably didn't realize the risk I'm putting myself at.  But J and I realize it.  50% looks pretty good to me.

Maybe the SIS will reveal something this time?  Last time it showed I had another endometrioma.  Maybe I will get an all clear.

J and I are both disappointed.  He too wanted us to have a fully genetic child.

Tomorrow is 15 DPO.  I'm still only spotting off and on. I'll have been off progesterone for three days by then.  Doctor wanted to know why I took myself off of it.  I told him that I told the nurse because I had started to spot on 12 DPO.  He said take a HPT tomorrow because it is possible I might be pregnant, though slim by what he just said about all issues with me.

Found out today that a long time friend of mine, I called her, had a partial hysterectomy this week.  I've known her since we were both 18.   She has no children.  I can't help but think that I'm next.  Last year they wanted to take my ovaries out because I get cysts too often.

Sorry if this post seems gloomy.  I'm sick with a nasty sinus infection and was just told No for stims.  I'm afraid I'll be told no when it comes to the donor eggs.   And yet I'm also afraid they might just say yes and it will work too.  What would I do then?  I'm so used to failing with reproduction.

Crappy Mood

Bad day.

Bad last two days.

Yesterday I waited for six hours for my PCM to have his nurse call back about the sinus infection.  Of course same antibiotic but this time I'll be on Augmentin for 14 days.  Same dose of 875 mg twice daily.  Let's see if this time it kicks the sinus infection.

Cardiology clinic never called me back yesterday.  I was promised on their answering machine two business days.  I waited three.

My RE never called me back yesterday.  I waited at home all day yesterday on three phone calls.

Screw this shit.  I'm pissed.  I called the RE office today and demanded that I be allowed a cycle of femara.  Nurse said she would email the doctor again and hopefully he'll call me today.

We now have time for the femara cycle because we now aren't moving until the end of July.  I'll still keep the March 6th appointment but I don't have to be on birth control before I see them now.

It is 1500 hrs and I have yet to have a bite to eat or a sip of fluids today.  I've been scrubbing the floor, doing laundry, and getting the taxes done.  I waited two hours for the taxes today at the office.  My sugar levels are dropping low.  I'm tired and cranky.

Oh and my internet signal keeps getting dropped. 

Hoping that tomorrow is a better day.