Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Living With FMS and CMP

Recently my husband was away for training which gave me the opportunity to try my wings.  I did good while he was away.  I lost some weight and still got the house work done.  But it took me a while to get it done even though there was less to do with him away.

Now that he is back home I'm falling back into the old habits.  I'm wearing myself out.  With my husband home there is twice the work to do.  Twice the laundry.  Twice the amount to cook.  I feel guilty if I can't do it all like a "normal" unemployed with no children Army Wife would do.  I have to get over that guilt and realize that it does me no good to force myself to do for everyone around me and put myself last.  If I get sicker who is going to take care of me?  Just me.

So my husband I had a long talk over the weekend. We decided that he would give me at least an hour each night during the work week to take care of his own laundry, his own messes, and food preparation.  I figure that if we can possibly cook up some casseroles and freeze them for the bad flare days we'll be good.

J is going to be leaving again soon and I'll be left to my own devices.  Just now Align Staffing called me.  I had totally forgotten who they were.  Its not a great memory day for me.  As a matter of fact had I not written myself a note over the weekend I would have forgotten to call Tricare this morning to schedule my physical therapy.  So having Align Staffing call me today was a blessing.  I need a new Respite Care Worker.  They are going to send me a list of people available so that my husband and I can interview them with the hope that someone will be living close enough and is able to help out when I need them.

I need time for me.  I need to take care of me.  Having Fibromyaglia means that I am high maintenance.  I need time to myself so that I can exercise, meditate, figure out what I'm able to do and able to eat each day.  I need time with people most days as socializing can help fight off depression.  I need love and understanding from my family and friends so that when I say, "NO" they'll not keep badgering me into a "yes".

Friday we went to Barnes and Noble in town and I browsed through the medical self-help books finally selecting one on Fibromyalgia.  I read aloud some of it to J while in the store.  I laughed, I wanted to cry at times, and it was just nice to have the authors, who also suffer with the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain, understand what I go through each day.  So I purchased the book Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain A Survival Manual, however I ended up paying full price at the book store rather than the deeply discounted price on line.  Oh well, it happens.  Often I don't remember that I can find books for less online but buying it in the store means that I can see it there, read from it there and truly know what I'm purchasing too.

For the next few days I'm going to be extremely busy.  Tomorrow is not only a dentist appointment, but I'm going to have Equity in here doing their routine yearly inspection,  along with the construction workers in the back yard attaching the new wiring and filling in the trench.  They will shutting off all the power to my house for up to four hours.  So I might not get the chance to post a blog tomorrow.  Thursday I have an appointment at occupational therapy for my tendonitis.

I wore myself out over the weekend and now I'm paying for it.  I have fibro fog today.  I have so many aches and pains I'd lose count if I tried to list them.    I really wish I had a better support system in place.  I'm trying to build one as of today.  I need to have one in place before J deploys again.  I need to have one in place soon.

Friends, I need to know that I can depend on you if I need to call you.  Even if its just a late night talk.  I'm going to need your support.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Memorial Day Weekend

Memorial Day Weekend is upon us here in the USA. I'm hopeful that all my non-military friends and non-veteran friends will remember to take a few minutes out of their National Holiday weekend to give thanks for their freedom.  Take the time to visit the graves of those that fought and died for our freedom, maybe place a flag in remembrance of their sacrifices too.

When I was a kid my family and I would travel to a small cemetery in Essex County, NY where we would place flags and flowers on our families graves.  Many of my ancestors fought and died for our freedom.  Pierce, Wolcott, Gladd, and Tyrrell were just a few of the surnames on my ancestors grave stones.  One of my ancestors, Oliver Wolcott, signed the Declaration of Independence.

This country has always been something that my family has fought to keep free.  I'm proud of my heritage.  I'm proud of my husband who is enlisted in the US Army.  I'm proud to know so many friends that have also fought and served.

As an adult, while I still lived upstate NY, I would go to the cemetery alone and place flags and flowers on the graves.  On one particular trip I took my camera so that I would have the photos as a remembrance of what they gave so that I could live free.

Here are just two of those photos:

MECH. 71 INF. 11 DIV
JULY 6, 1940
JAN 6 1934 - JUL 29 1975

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Baking Day Again

Its that time of the week again where I bake cookies for the soldiers.  Today I'm going to make the Reese's Chewy Chocolate cookies made with the peanut butter chips.  The soldiers at the COF love these cookies.

Today I also plan on making J a pizza from scratch.  Last week I made up the dough for two pizzas and froze one ball along with the sauce I made.  So right now its sitting there waiting for his phone call stating that he is ready for dinner.  He really loves his pepperoni, red pepper and onion topping pizza and I can't wait to make it for him. 

Tomorrow I should have plenty of time to make the lasagna I've been promising to make for him.  I found a perfect recipe in one of my cook books and I can't wait to try it out on him. 

After a rotten day like yesterday I'm really looking forward to a few days of major baking and cooking.  Yesterday I realized that I need to let this respite care worker go.  I can't continue to employe this person when I don't get the work done that needs to be done.   My respite care worker has been sewing for years and some claim that her stuff is quite good, I now have to disagree.  Anyone can operate an embroidery machine but it takes true talent to embroider by hand.

I only needed the dress fitted to me yesterday.  As  I put it on and she pulls it in place to make sure its where I want it and never pinned the dressed only eyed it with her thumbs for judgement.  Wow did that go wrong.  Basically she butchered my dress.  She cut off the fabric and sewed it up without having me try it on in-between the sewing and cutting.  I got to try it on after the damage, then she would try to fix it again, four fittings later I gave up.  She had cut way too much out the first time and ruined the dress.  If only she would have listened to me and pinned it the first time around then basted, but what do I know?!.  I know full well she shouldn't have thumbed it but should have pinned it and basted it before the final cutting and sewing.  I've been sewing since I was 4 years old.  My mom has quite a bit of pride in my fine stitching as do I.  She claims that my sewing is even better than her's.  Makes my head swell a bit.

So when the dress was finished the respite care worker had cut the right arm hole one inch smaller than the left and there was nothing remaining to let out.  The left arm is bunched at the top now.  She actually told me to take an iron to it.  Um, NO!  An iron would melt the polyester organza material.  The front of the dress where the jewels are set into the empire waist are now pulled to the right.  I screamed after she left.  My cousin, L, was very understanding when I was chatting with her on the phone.  She said that I should have the person pay for the damages done to the gown.  Its very ill-fitting now. 

I think the hard part of this whole experience is that I thought I could trust this person to do her job that she gets paid $20 an hour to do.  But now I know better.  She was on the phone while sewing and I think that is part of the problem.  Seriously if you are getting paid to do a job and it means using your hands and full concentration why should you be on the cell phone?

My husband has a leather jacket at her house right now that he said he wants to get it back before she ruins it.  She has had it since Easter and said she would fix the zipper in it for him.  We will find another person that can work with leather.  We have a nice shop in town that fixes just that sort of stuff.  Funny I could get the jacket zipped up just fine without the zipper going off track.  If need be I'll pick it apart reset the zipper and sew it back up with my leather needles.

I thought a respite care worker was supposed to take care of me and not demand that I make her tea.  According to the rules I'm not supposed to be waiting on her, she is supposed to be doing the tasks set forth for her.  I give up.  This respite care program here has been a big failure.

Today is going to be a much needed baking day.  I can throw myself into my work and be quite happy with the results.  No one is around to bother me while I'm baking either.  I have the house to myself for the next few hours and I plan on getting stuff done.

Here is the recipe for the cookies:

Chewy Chocolate Cookies

Skill Level:
Prep Time:
20 Minutes


  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 3/4 cup HERSHEY'S Cocoa
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1-1/4 cups (2-1/2 sticks) butter or margarine, softened
  • 2 cups sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1-2/3 cups (10-oz. pkg.) REESE'S Peanut Butter Chips


  1. Heat oven to 350°F. Stir together flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt; set aside.
  2. Beat butter and sugar in large bowl with mixer until fluffy. Add eggs and vanilla; beat well. Gradually add flour mixture, beating well. Stir in peanut butter chips. Drop by rounded teaspoons onto ungreased cookie sheet.
  3. Bake 8 to 9 minutes. (Do not overbake; cookies will be soft. They will puff while baking and flatten while cooling.) Cool slightly; remove from cookie sheet to wire rack. Cool completely. About 4-1/2 dozen cookies.

    PAN RECIPE: Spread batter in greased 15-1/2x10-1/2x1-inch jelly-roll pan. Bake at 350°F 20 minutes or until set. Cool completely in pan on wire rack; cut into bars. About 4 dozen bars.

    ICE CREAM SANDWICHES: Prepare CHEWY CHOCOLATE COOKIES as directed; cool. Press small scoop of vanilla ice cream between flat sides of cookies. Wrap and freeze.

    -- Increase flour to 2 cups plus 2 tablespoons.
    -- Decrease baking soda to 3/4 teaspoon.
    -- Decrease sugar to 1-2/3 cups.
    -- Add 2 teaspoons water with flour mixture.
    -- Bake at 350°F, 7 to 8 minutes. Yield increases to about 6 dozen.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Dental Visit

I have to say that I'm pleased with the work that the doctors Tran have been doing in my mouth.   Two visits have been with the female and now one with the male.  Today was three old fillings removed and white ones put into place.  Yes its expensive but it could be a lot more pricey if I didn't have dental insurance through the military.

Because I am trying to conceive a child it is imperative that I keep my mouth in top form.  I know to some of you that sounds a bit odd but its true.  A healthy mouth will help prevent a lot of viruses and toxins from filtering into the systems.  I'd rather get all my teeth repaired now while I'm on a hiatus from trying to conceive then try to take care of an abscess after I do get pregnant.  Next month should start my next round of clomiphene citrate.

Today I'm hoping that I won't be too cranky after the septocaine wares off.  I'm waiting for my respite care worker to arrive to help me with a task that I can't do myself.  There is no way in heck I can pin a dress to myself and have it fit correctly.  Its a minor task and shouldn't take too long to be taken in.  I have need of the dress for two upcoming events.  Both events are fairly close set so I shouldn't need further alterations done on the dress between the events.  I've lost only 5 pounds in the past 10 days but that isn't all that bad too me.  Its a start on better health.

Its almost noon and I was hoping to get my day well started before now.  But there are times when events are just out of my hands and I can only sit and wait when plans start to crumble.  At least I got done with the dentist in the allotted amount of time since they knew I had another appointment today at 1100 hrs.

Its almost noon and my patience is wearing thin.  I've got a long list of things that need to be done before tomorrow's event.  I'm really hoping that they get done.  A person with fibromyalgia only has so much energy and I'm wearing mine out just sitting here waiting.

If I'd only known there would be this much delay I would have started on my long list of things that need to be done.  However, I can't mop the floors nor vacuum if I know that I'm still going to have someone here at any time.  How would it look when I tell that person, "Sorry but the floors are wet so you can't come in the house."?  Especially when that person has another place to get to today too.  Its really my fault for not planning better.

Its now noon.  I have a lot to get done.  Only I can get it done.  So here I sit and wait. I'm fidgeting.  I want to get up and get stuff done while I still have the energy.

Patience is a virtue and mine is running thin right now.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Collecting My Thoughts

I have so very much on my mind these days.  I have a lot to get done about the house too.  But right now I think I just need to sit a bit and think some things through, wool gathering if you will.

Sometimes I like to sit and think about my life, where I've been, where I'm going, and how I can take better control of my destiny.  I'm always wanting to improve myself but I don't always know how to go about doing the improvement.  I want to be a better me.

Improving myself isn't always about losing the weight but it is about creating better habits.  It isn't about making better first impressions but making longer lasting friendships.  Its about being comfortable in who I've become and who I will eventually be when this life cycle is completed.

Oh sure I have goals, I think that goals are a perfect way to challenge ourselves to keep trying harder.  Some goals are easier for others than for me but its not going to stop me from trying just because its harder.

My thoughts are wandering to random things.  Right now I wonder that if I stop blogging and just shut off the computer for a week, a month, or longer will my friends still be there when I turn it back on?  Or did I just imagine the friendships that we've created?  Its not so much a reality check as it is a check on what is truly important to my every day well being.

There are days when after I've read someone's blog or their status update I feel some how less of a person, angry, or even depressed.  I do wonder how much these people write is written with a twist on truth or actually meant to hurt someone else.  Am I becoming one of those people that will illicit a particular response in my friends just for the shear joy of being heard?  I would like to think not but then again this is why I'm taking time to collect my thoughts.

My blog is most important to me and me alone.  I chose to write my thoughts here not so much to gain attention but more to keep an online journal of sorts.  My memory is not the best and by blogging I can look back and see that, "okay I felt or did such and such on this date".  Of course I don't share my deepest thoughts and feelings here because it is too public.  I keep to myself that which should be kept close.  Oh sure there are days that I want to really vent and open up that which is hurting me and cry out "life is not fair" but, why should I?  I'm not here for pity.  I'm here for me.

Looking out my office window the hummingbirds zing back and forth between the feeder and the hanging flower pots.  Is their life any easier?

J, I miss you.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Cleaning Out The Closet

I'm a little late on my Spring Cleaning this year or perhaps a little early for the Summer cleaning however, I'm getting it done.  Today in the trials of finding something comfortable to wear I realized that most of my dresser drawers and closet space contains clothing that is almost a decade old, not the right size, or just plain ugly.  Time to clean it out. 

I like to donate clothing in all sorts of conditions, some of it is bum around stuff and some of it still looks as though it has tags on it.  It happens.  So I keep an old suitcase or two about the house that might have a broken zipper on it just for this occasion.  Its time to clean out the house of my personal stuff I don't use.

Last week Saturday the postal service had a food drive and left all of its customers plastic grocery bags to fill with food for donation.  I'm sad to say that our bag was the only one left by the mail boxes for pick up.  Really folks I'm sure you could have found something in your cabinet you could donate.  I filled our bag up to the point it was going to break.  I like building good Karma.  There is always someone out there more needy than us.  I've been on food stamps, I've been without a place to live, I have it good now and I intend to give back when I can.  My husband has been lucky enough to never have had to experience what I have in life but still he does remember to help out and give too.

So today, inbetween loads of laundry, I'm going through my wardrobe and selecting stuff for donation.  Some of it I've never given away because of fond memories ie: the prom dress, the cocktail dress I wore for my first ball, my old mini skirts from college.  The last items were something I thought I'd always get back into or they'd come back into style.  Let's face it, the last time I was skinny was when I met my J and that was 8 years ago.  Time to say good bye to the old clothes. 

Giving back always makes me feel so good.  It does make room for the new stuff too, but I don't buy all the much thinking I'll get pregnant and need a maternity wardrobe, or thinking that I'll possibly lose 50 pounds over night.  Face the fact time, neither might happen.  Live for the present and downsize the clothing collection.

I urge all of you out there to go through your stuff and make a reality check.  If it doesn't fit you, you haven't worn it in years,  or its ugly as sin and you don't know what made you want to buy it, then donate it.

Off to go pack up a bag for donation.  Have a great day everyone.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Armed Forces Day

Today is Armed Forces Day here in the USA.  Take the time to say thank you to the service men and women in your neck of the woods.

I hope that all my friends and family that are now serving and have served will stop and remember why we have freedom and rejoice in knowing that they had a hand in ensuring that our country stays free.

Enjoy your freedom, it was hard won.  Thank you.

I was too busy yesterday to blog.  Today I'm almost too tired to post.  Yesterday the weather was gorgeous and today its raining.  Sort of fits my mood and makes my aches all that much deeper.  Darn fibromyalgia.  I'm taking today off from house work to just relax and catch up on Doctor Who episodes.

I'm hoping that J will also get a chance to relax today but I'm thinking that he is just way too busy with work to even notice what time it is let alone the day.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

MRI Update

Back from the doctor's and I've got news.

Good news is that my neck is only a little worse than it was three years ago with a moderate narrowing at its worst part.  So its not the main cause my dropping stuff and having my arms go numb.  Turns out its my bi-lateral carpal tunnel being the problem.

Oh and I have tendonitis too now.  I'm being given a script for physical therapy with the doctor hoping that I can get in to be seen on post rather than off post as I could possibly walk or ride a bike to the appointment since I live so close to the hospital.  It would free up the vehicle for my husband's use without interfering with his work.

New wrist splints were given to me today.  I wore out my old ones years ago.  The one I got in December, well the nurse had cut the straps too small to be of much use to me.  Now I can cut my own straps to the size that I need.  I use a small splint but still if too much is cut off how could I possibly adjust for swelling.

I have a low grade fever which wasn't so surprising considering I have outdoor allergies and pollen counts are pretty high of late.  Chronic sinusitis is something I'm used to having so I use my neti pot daily and it does help.  However it can't fix the headaches.  So I'm going to have to break down and take some non-asprin in a bit to hopefully help relieve that pressure.  Unless of course I go crazy like in the movie Pi and take a drill to my head.  No worries that is like plan Z.  Plan A is the rest and acetaminophen.

I know there was other stuff my doctor and I went over but for the life of me I can't remember.  Damn Fibro Fog.  Oh and I did try to take notes.  I got distracted by the medical jargon and forgot to keep writing.  Oh well such is life.

Tomorrow's blog posting will be a little late too.  I'm having company over and want to spend some time with them.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Another Neighbor Leaves

Today I hugged another neighbor good bye. He is leaving for Korea soon.  Hopefully he'll get the chance to stop by and see my husband, a gaming friend, before he leaves the country.

My friend is leaving the neighborhood not because he is just going out of country but because his wife has left him.  Seems to be a common problem in the military.  He deserves better.  She was not the nicest of people and treated her husband poorly in public.  Its not often that we hear about the wife mentally abusing the husband but it does happen.

So for the past two days I've been trying to help the guy out as much as possible.  For me its not a lot since I can't lift anything more than a stone's weight.  What I was able to offer was the use of my trash cans and recycling bins so that he wouldn't get fined for that particular item.. He still got fined $107 for various things like not washing out the trash cans, having the wrong brand of blind in a window and the floors, even though mopped, weren't perfect. 

At least he isn't being fined for having flowers still in the flower beds.  I was told by our neighborhood manager that we had to have our flower beds cleared of all plants.  So I'm happy to note that I might be able to get away with leaving some plants behind when we move out some day.  Unless of course the rules change again.

My former neighbor and I were discussing the ruined yards.  There is just no way that grass will come back this season with all the construction.  I still have a trench in my back yard that they've promised to have filled in by the 20th of this month.  We'll see.  Its been there since Easter Monday.

Tuesday 31 May I'll not have power for a good portion of the day.  If only I knew which portion.  I was given notice that they would need to enter my house to shut the power off at the breaker box, as if I couldn't hit the breaker switch myself, to change out the utility lines in the trench.  Scratches head, if they are filling in the trench on the 20th then why are they changing out the lines on the 31st?  Okay that math just doesn't work for me.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Time To Dye

Today its all about finding time to dye.  My hair is greying faster than I'd like of late.  I'm not sure if its all the hormones I was taking as they are affecting my hair growth on other body parts but it sure seems as though the hair on the top of my head is coming in way faster than it used to grow.

I decided I would try a different approach this time to dying my hair.  Instead of buying a box color from the Exchange I would this time take a trip to my local Sallys Beauty  store and select a few items.

Ion Color Brilliance was on sale when I made my trip so I decided what the heck I'll give them a try.  I'm happy with my decision too.

I think that they only problem I incurred in the application was that my right arm and right pectoral went numb.  I couldn't feel the brush in my hand but I could quite clearly see in the mirror that I was gripping it almost to the point of snapping the brush.  My follow up on the MRI I had on Sunday is scheduled for Thursday.  My right pectoral muscle is still numb.  My right arm is still cold.  I'm just hoping that this isn't going to show that my nerves are dying off in my right arm. 

I'll soon find out.  Just two more days to go until the appointment.

Oh and the Ion color covered all my grey hairs.  It looks great and I'm back to feeling less than my 41 years already.  Good thing my face is without noticeable wrinkles and only a few faint lines.  I love passing for being  in my early 30's and late 20's.  Yes there are some that even a few months ago still thought I was about 26 years old.  I corrected them of course.  But its still nice to know that they thought I was so young.  I've earned my age, I'm proud of being me and all that my age has brought me BUT it doesn't mean I have to look my age!  LOL

Monday, May 16, 2011

Platoon Mom

Today arrived way too fast for my liking, but then again don't most Mondays?  I swear my head had just hit the pillow and I was up, dressed and out the door again.  Really I think I was.

Its been a long weekend for me and for J.  While I was having dental work and an MRI this weekend he was getting into his battle mode.  Sure its just training again but he always gets into battle mode.  J loves to anticipate and I guess that is what makes him such a good soldier however, its not always good to carry that mentality over into the marriage.

Last night while J was sleeping, I got to finally read my appreciation letter.  Yes the very one that I had asked for as a gift for Military Spouse Appreciaton Day.  He wrote a really sweet letter to me this weekend.  I'm going to keep most of the letter private but will share one little passage with you now.   
"...I love you from the moment I wake up in the morning and remember to think, to the moment I fall asleep at night and forget everything else, and I still love you in my dreams  when I can remember them when I wake up the next day." 
The rest is for me and he does talk about how he appreciates all that I do.

0240 hrs arrives and I'm awake.  The alarm has yet to sound off from its set time of 0300hrs.  I'm a bit ill this morning but its nothing that Loperimide and Acetaminophen can't fix for the major symptoms. I clean up, get dressed and wake J up.  He shuts off the alarm and goes through his morning routine, albeit almost two hours earlier than normal.

This morning we brought in Krispy Kreme donuts.  Yes we try to treat the guys right. After formation broke a few of the soldiers walked my way while J was loading up his equipment.  1stSgt D asked how I've been doing and said he really enjoyed the lemon bread.  I guess he didn't get the chance to get into the cookies this past Thursday as I asked him if he got any.  J said to him that he told him that they were there.  I chuckled.  My guys sure do love their sweets.  SFC B came over and told me I'm the Platoon Mom because I'm always baking them sweets.  I loved to hear that I now have a designator.  My head swelled a bit with the new title.  Yes, its honorary but its still nice to know that they are enjoying my efforts.

0530 hrs I had to leave behind my J for a bit.  I'm sure we'll be in close enough contact as can be expected.  Its just a short training time this round, unlike the exercise that was going on this winter for six weeks.  I'm always far from being alone even when I have the house to myself.  I have my friends on post to visit with.

0630 hrs I finally decide I'm tired enough to try to get some sleep again.  I went to bed last night at 2330 hours. 0830 hrs the phone rings.  I answer it because I know something might be needed of me.  Just because I dropped him off doesn't mean they've made it to where they are going yet nor have left.  Nope all is good it was my cousin calling.  I promised to call her back later today.

1230 hrs, oh my did I actually sleep that long?  Yup.  I'm up cleaned up again and dressed and now doing laundry.  See my life is routine as normal just with a bit of a weird sleep pattern today.

Oh yeah and I neglected to mention the little accident I had this afternoon.  I was cleaning out the fridge and accidentally put the trash bag in the recycling bin.  When I realized what I did I had to fish it out and put it back in the right place.  I opened up the recycling bin and it teetered a bit.  So to steady it I put my left hand behind the bin and the lid fell open all the way.  I cussed.  Good thing the bins are in my garage with the door shut.  Mind you I had fun removing my hand from the area it was now smooshed into.  I managed to pinch three fingers and it looks as though I'm going to lose the nail on one of them.  But it could have been much worse.  They aren't broken just sore as hell.  Still didn't stop me from doing the dishes from hand or transferring the laundry to the dryer.  A military wife is made of sterner stuff.

I'll find out the results of my MRI later this week.  I'm not expecting a miracle healing with the damage I have to my neck, I'm just hoping that its not worse.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Missing Blog Makes Me A Cranky Writer

I thought that all was well yesterday when I posted my blog in support of National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.  However, within a few hours my friends were posting on my facebook that they couldn't read my blog post and it was not in existence.  I had no problem finding it.

Today when I went to check on my comments, stats, and blog posts I found that yesterday's blog post is not to be found.  In fact I get an error code.  It doesn't even show up on my list of postings.

Oh this makes me cranky.  Yesterday wasn't a good day for me with my cognitive abilities.  I tried really hard to make a coherent post and now to find that it has been taken away into the vast void makes me cranky.

I realize that I'm not the only one it effected but I am the one that matters most to myself, I should be at least if I am to love myself and others truly.  I noticed that the blogs that I follow closely aren't listed.  I wonder if they were able to blog at all either.  If they were, what happened to their blogs?  I wanted to read their blog postings yesterday.  I saw nothing but a statement saying that blogspot was unavailable.

Well I guess its a good thing that I didn't decide to monetize my blog this week.  Oh its on the agenda but I was preparing to do it next month.  I figured that I now have enough views daily for someone to want to click on a link.  I do not want to turn my blog into a show for products and lose the original purpose of this blog, the therapeutic aspect.   I'm not one that likes commercials nor do I like to read blogs all about a certain product.  I want real life, real thoughts, real reactions to situations.  I don't give a rat's behind what toothpaste, dish soap, body wash, laundry detergent, or tampon you are using unless you are blogging to warn us potential users that we should stay away from said product due to its hazards.  Seriously if I wanted to watch a commercial I'd turn on the television or log on to Hulu.

I do like to read about  your infertility problems, medical issues, military life dilemmas, and anything else that might relate to my own life experiences.  I'd love to learn new techniques to scrap book, knit, crochet, paint, renovate, photograph, cook and bake.  I'm the hands on type person that wants to live life.  If I see something that interests me enough I'll give it a good try.

So friends I really did miss having the chance to read your blog postings yesterday.  I feel closer to each of you than the fake friends that often surround me, though thankfully not too often.  We all have those type of friends that just use us.

I'm going to keep stating my opinion as I see fit to do so within the boundaries set forth as a military wife.  Oh we do have our own unwritten code of conduct.  I'm not going to blog about anything that might embarrass myself or my spouse and his unit.

Blogspot, please find my missing post.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

Who ever said that pain is fleeting obviously never had Fibromyalgia.  Today is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.  I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia back in 1997.  I have no clue how long it went undiagnosed before 1997 but the pain was there long before the diagnosis.

I've blogged in the past about my Fibromyalgia pain and I'll keep blogging about the pain and suffering that I have to deal with on a daily basis.  Today I'm having troubles with my typing.  Its like my brain and fingers aren't cooperating.  I keep forgetting what I'm going to say and when I go to type it I type the letters out of order making the words unrecognizable.  Thankfully I have spell check.  Many of my fibro friends often complain about their lapses in memory.  Its as though our brains are on auto pilot and we do things out of habit then can't remember that we did them.  For instance, many of you readers can understand the, "did I lock the front door before I went to bed".  But for us it goes deeper.  For us its more of, "where did I leave my (insert noun)?" or the inevitable,   "did I take my meds?".  Its as though we are slapped with early onset dementia.  Its called Fibro fog.  The doctors are now saying that its because we aren't getting a proper oxygen supply to the brain.

Sleep is a big problem for me and many others that suffer with Fibromylagia.  When visiting my parents they would often complain about my nightly walks about the house and use of the bathroom hourly.  Well its not like I'd like to be up walking about the house nor using the bathroom each hour but its become a part of my life.  I too would rather be sleeping soundly for 6-8 hours but its not to be.  Not even if I take a sleeping pill.  Those with Fibromyalgia probably recognize the problem as frequent urination brought on by our constant dry mouth feeling, even if its not really dry, making it so we crave vast amounts of water.  Well the water has to go somewhere and I'm not yet wanting that adult diaper.

Most physically able adults get a regular amount of sleep each night ranging from 6-8 hours per night unless you are in the military and there are nights that you are lucky to get 5 hours of sleep.  But those hours of sleep are more than not continuous.   With continuous sleep a person is able to reach the deeper levels of sleep which help repair the body.  A person with Fibromyalgia does not reach the deep levels of restful sleep and is usually stuck in the light sleep stage and is awakened quite easily.

As for the walkabouts at midnight, well I can't lay there all night in pain keeping my spouse awake.  So I get up and go do something  to deal with the pain and pressure on my back.  That leads me to the tender points.

Before you go and try to hug a person with Fibromyalgia ask them first if they are able to be hugged today.  Be prepared to get a resounding "NO".  Don't be upset, its just that there are days that the tender points are that tender and your hug might feel extremely painful to us.  Today is one of those days for me.  Seems as though everything on my left side of my body just aches.  Sitting here typing is hurtful as the chair back is pressing into one of the tender points and my left shoulder is hurting with the exertion of typing.  Mind you I just had to go back and type in Left because I had typed in Right instead.  Damn Fibro fog.

 Dining out being a person with Fibromyalgia can be tricky.  My husband has learned to deal with my IBS, GERD, Spastic Colon related Fibromyalgia problems.  From day-to-day my diet could change.  What I could eat yesterday might not agree with me tomorrow.   So its a good thing that I am still able to cook for myself.  I don't eat at many fast food restaurants as their menu's are quite limited.  I'm better off going to a regular sit down restaurant and ordering off the menu so that I can opt for substitutions.  Added to the food allergy problems and digestion issues is the fact that I have to be on a really low sodium diet of no more than 1,000 mg per day.  Oh and I'm not allowed to have caffeine either.  Most folks with Fibromyalgia are told to swear off the caffeine and American chocolate plus any food with chemicals in it and not natural ingredients.  American chocolate is mostly chemicals.  European chocolate, much better tasting, has real ingredients in it.  Go check the labels for yourself.

Now for those of you that are really tired of reading my long blog post and have decided to skip to the bottom here since I was whining above, here are some links for more information on Fibromyalgia.




Spoon Theory   this theory also applies to those with Fibromyalgia and is a decent summary of how we figure out what we can do each day.

One last bit of complaining.  Fibroymyalgia means that I often don't want to go anywhere, it doesn't mean that I don't want to be your friend.  It just means that I'm in too much pain that day to want to do anything more than try to take care of myself which in itself is like climbing a mountain face with a wheelchair.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Making Cookies

Today I'll be making the Nestle' Toll House Peanut Butter & Milk Chocolate chip cookies.  All for the guys at the COF of course.  I usually make something for them on Wednesdays and have J bring them in on Thursdays.

Most likely I'll get started on making the cookies this afternoon after the appointment at the FLC (family life center).  Yes we still go to the FLC quite often.  I guess finding some time to talk to a mediator does help as our marriage is staying strong.  Its far from perfect and we do continue to argue but I know of no couple that doesn't argue when each feels as though they have a valid point.

Making cookies gives me the chance to feel useful.  I know the soldiers love my baked goods.  I know they love the cookies the best because they are more portable and less messy.  Right now our trying to conceive has been put to the back burner.  I rather feel a bit useless because most of the females in my neighborhood are either pushing around strollers or pushing about their big bellies.  My husband said its like they are flaunting their ability to have a baby, something we might never have.

Yes we are trying to deal with the fact that we might never have the chance for a biological baby.  Adoption, with my spouse being in the military, isn't as easy as it could be.  If we are short on time at our duty station then we are a risk.  If he could be deployed we are also a risk.  State adoption agencies don't like to give babies to parents when one might not be there to raise the child.  For us it will have to be private adoption and I know its expensive.  Our best bet truly is to just keep trying to have a child of our own.  Maybe down the road, possibly at our next duty station, we'll apply for the foster parent program.  Two of my aunts were foster parents and they loved the foster children as if they were their own blood.

Thinking of what I might be missing by not having a child makes me depressed.  Baking improves my mood since I am a foodie.  Call it aromatherapy at its best.  I like knowing that my baking skills are making other folks happy and the smells in my house are just wonderful.

I'm not going to give up hope just yet.  Technology keeps advancing.  Now if only my checkbook would grow accordingly to keep up with the price of the technology. 

Tomorrow is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day.  With any luck I'll remember to post about this problem and how it affects my every day life.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Ultrasound Gives Me Hope

0630 hrs and I'm taken directly in to the exam room and weighed.  Ugh I hate being weighed.  I'm still bloated from the cysts and I just don't want the further insult of finding out that I'm fatter than I'd like to be.  Next I'm told to undress.  I have the nurse from hell.  The nurse with no personality other than bitch mode.  It doesn't matter how much I try with this woman there is just no pleasing her.  She has a government contract so its not like she can be fired for being abusive until enough bad reviews come in.  The way she stares at me is so unnerving too.

So I get undress and wrap the thin paper drape about my lower parts hoping with slim chance for a bit of warmth because the room is so chilly.  Of all the exam rooms available at that time of the morning the nurse decides to stick me in the smallest.  There is barely enough space available for the equipment and me let alone my husband, the doctor and nurse.  Somehow we all fit into the room.

The doctor inserted the transvaginal wand and tells me what he is seeing.  He can see where the 9cm cyst ruptured on the right ovary and that the ovary has several follicles in it now.  Always a good sign with fertility to find plenty of follicles.  He showed me the screen image and I swear there must have been a dozen follicles staring at me from the right ovary.  Next he moved on the left ovary.  OUCH!  Okay that maneuver hurt.  I've still been in a lot of pain and especially since being off of the vicodin I feel the pain more acutely.  Left ovary shows that I still have two cysts but that both are now just under 4 cm each.  Its good news.  I'm happy.  They are resolving on their own.  Looks like I won't need the birth control and with luck these won't rupture but continue to resolve.

The doctor did tell me that there is still a chance as I rev up for another cycle that I could trigger those cysts to expand again with not being on the birth control and that it would take even longer for me to try to conceive again.  But I reminded him that if I went on the birth control I'd have to wait for a full cycle to pass after finishing the script to try and that I get migraines on them too.  Dr. B said that if they have to they'll surgically remove the cysts but that they prefer not to as it might mean removal of the ovary too.  He also said he'd prefer to not put me on the birth control as I have hypertension and the two don't mix well.

All the blood work came back negative or within normal limits.  Yes, even the cancer screening came back okay.  Or at least that is what I think he meant with the test about the markers.  So I need to celebrate a bit with the fact that I'm still lucky enough to be cancer free.  Maybe I'll buy another pair of cute socks.

I was prescribed percocet for the pain this time around.  Hopefully I won't have need for the pain killer after this script is done.  I really hope I don't get more ovarian cysts, well huge ones anyway since we know that  females need the cysts in order to release an egg.

I guess I can count my tan cowgirl socks as my lucky socks now.  I'll take all the luck I can get.

Thank you to everyone that kept me in their thoughts and prayers. 

Monday, May 9, 2011

Ultrasound Tomorrow

Tomorrow at 0630 hrs I have an ultrasound.  Or perhaps I could say a date with the dildocam?  Whatever way you wish to call it the transvaginal ultrasound is always uncomfortable for me, more so now with the ovarian cysts.

I'm hoping for a bit of good news tomorrow.  I keep hoping that the cysts will reduce in the process of resolving.  It didn't happen that way last week.  Last week I ended up the very next day after the transvaginal ultrasound in the ER.  The cyst on my right ovary, 9 cm had ruptured.

Tomorrow I'm going to don my tan and black cowgirl socks and put my feet in the stirrups again.  This time I'm hoping to win over this disease.   I want to keep trying to conceive but I know I'm running out of time.

The cancer blood work won't be back for another week.  I'm hoping like most folks do that it will be negative.  There is cancer in my family though it doesn't normally hit for another decade who is to say I'll be the exception.  If there was a choice I'd say please skip me.  One week more to wait on that test.  Hopefully I'll know the results of the other tests they did on me.  I was never told the results of the ones drawn in the ER.  Maybe my doctor will be able to look them up for me as well as the ones done last week Monday.

Yes, I'm full of hope.  I'm full of fear too.  I want reproduction to go smoothly.  I want to be one of those pregnant chics that has no complications but we don't always get what we want including getting pregnant and staying that way till a full term baby is handed to you after hours of labor.  No, some of us don't get the happy ending.  I want that happy ending and I'll keep trying until they tell us to give up.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day.  In 1984 President Ronald Reagan proclaimed that the Friday before Mother's Day  was to be designated at Military Spouse Appreciation Day.

In all the years that I've been married to soldier not once has this day been celebrated.  Why?  Well I guess its because my spouse never knew about it.  Or if he did he had no clue on how to show his appreciation of what I do for him and us. 

While my husband took his oath I did not.  I was inducted into the military through the backdoor. What do I do?  Well I support him.  I cook, bake, clean, manage finances, and when he is deployed I do everything else that I humanly can to make sure he will be able to keep his mind set on his mission.

So today all I'm asking for is some appreciation from him.  No I don't want a dinner out.  That would be for us.  I want something for me alone.  I'd like him to write me a letter or note telling me why he appreciates what I do for him.  It costs nothing but his time and it will mean the world to me.  Heck I might even frame it so I can see it daily as a reminder of why I do what I do for him.  Especially when things get tough and I'm not liking where our lives are going that letter would make me pause and re-evaluate my anger.

I love my husband.  I love him for all that he is and who he will become as we grow old together.  The rest is just stuff that I will accept as bumps in the road of our life path.

Will I be upset if he forgets this day?  Maybe.  But not for long.  I can't stay angry at him for long.  He has a demanding job.  He has forgotten to celebrate other dates like anniversaries and birthdays.   But there are always reasons why that happens.  Sometimes its because he is in another country and the time difference makes it so he doesn't realize when those special days have passed.  Easily enough forgiven.

For now I'll wait to see just how he is going to show his appreciation of me.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Dental Appointment Today and other BS

Call me a glutton for punishment.  I have a dental appointment scheduled for this evening.  The bite wing xrays will be the easy part.  The hard part is going to be the removal of three cracked fillings, drilling, and preventing me from wanting to bite my dentist.  I hate dental work.

See I have really sensitive teeth and it doesn't help that I have fibromyalgia either.  With the two combined I'm just one big baby.  I'd say that the Vicodin I'm taking for the ovarian cyst rupture will help but that would mean that I'm lying through my teeth.  Maybe if I'm lucky they'll put me under.  I am bringing a driver with me.  Somehow I doubt that they'll put me under just for three teeth.

On to the construction zone.  I hear a chain saw going right now but off hand I can't see where the heck it is only that its got to be on one side of the house where there isn't a window.  I just walked into my kitchen for a glass of filtered water only to see that the excavator is back in my back yard.  Nice thing to see with a big open type claw near the window.  I opened up my back door and asked if they were going to fill in the trench finally.  They dug it out two weeks ago.  Not yet I was informed.  Around 20 May they will be adding in new wiring and possibly that week finish filling in the trench.  They were just there to dig it out again since with the rains it caused a bit of a mud slide.

I so can't wait for July.  July is when this is promised to be completed.  Earlier this week I watched a dump truck slip and slide with trying to back up over my right side lawn.  Or should I say what is left of it.  It's more mud than grass now. 

My neighbors that are moving out still haven't finished moving out.  I'd rather in some ways he didn't have to.  Yes these are the ones I've had problems with.  Seems as though his wife is divorcing him.  She is due to deliver their baby later this month but still she is divorcing him.  He is a sweet guy.  A bit whipped but being whipped doesn't mean he should have bad things happen to him.  He spoke with my husband over the weekend and told him that he is heading to Korea and that she has left him.  Their divorce should be final soon.  Really I think he is better off without her.  She has never been a nice person.

Mercury is finally out of retrograde.  As of 2 May it left.  Already I've seen the effects of it leaving.  Yesterday I received some back pay from an old employer as part of a settlement.  Not much but still it was nice to have.  The cyst rupturing on Tuesday showed that one part of my misery was coming to an end.  Maybe soon I'll be allowed to start back on the fertility drugs.  After being stalled for well over a month, communications with my lawyer over the workers' compensation case have now resumed.  Progress is finally being made on the construction in my neighborhood.  Things are getting back to a more normal pace in my life.  Thank Goddess!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Baking Away The Pain

I'm a foodie that loves to bake and cook.  I've been in a lot of pain of late.  Those that follow my blog will know that I've been writing about the pain.  Yesterday while I was waiting for the vicodin order to finally get put into the system I just sat in my office watching House because I enjoy the humor in that particular show.

By evening my vicodin was finally in my hands.  But I didn't take any of it until bedtime.  I know I had told my spouse that I was going to hold off on taking it because I already had acetaminophen in my system from earlier that day and had to wait.  I don't think he heard me or if he did it just didn't register.  So I sat there for two hours in a near catatonic state willing the pain to go away.  I told my body to go numb.  It did.  My arms and legs got really cold and slowly the only thing that would move was the myoclonic jerks that I sometimes have when the sugar gets too low.  He wasn't happy with me.  But I couldn't speak to him.  I could blink.  If I moved voluntarily the pain would start up again.  Eventually I pulled myself out of it to fetch us both some dinner a half hour before bed time.  J was refusing to eat worrying about me I guess or perhaps he was being a bit childish thinking I wasn't speaking to him out of anger.  Truly it wasn't anger and he should have realized that I did this to stop the pain.  I've done it before.  When Zen breathing doesn't help I lock myself down.

So today I'm taking the vicodin every 6 hours as directed.  It stopped working after the second dosage.  My lower back and pelvis are hurting.  I can't afford to take more me time away from us.  I have promises to keep.

I have in the oven right now a Lemon Loaf.  I figured it was easy enough to make and the soldiers at the COF would still chow down on it.  Sorry that its not cookies this week but I just don't have the energy to make cookies with my pain.  J has his CLS (combat life saver) class this week to re-certify however, he does go back to work each day after the class is over.  I know this because he called me from work yesterday.  No he didn't stay home with me yesterday.  I was left alone to my own devices, all part of being an Army Wife.

Tonight I'm making a casserole.  Pastitio to be exact.  I have all the ingredients here to make it and its easy enough that I'll not be standing for too long to make it.  Plus I'll have left overs so I won't have to cook tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have a dental appointment.  I'm having three cracked fillings removed and refilled.  I'm hoping the cavities that are now under them aren't too deep.  I'm not sure how much more pain I can take.  Luckily I won't have to drive tomorrow as J said he'd take me to this appointment.  Maybe they'll give me gas.  I've never had gas at the dentist and as a kid my mom refused to let them give me any pain killer including novocain.  Mom still doesn't use novocain.  I guess she likes the pain of getting her mouth drilled.  Sick person.

My mom is not on my happy list at the moment.  Right now I need a mom to turn to with this female pain.  I called her up and talked to her, instructed her not to tell dad about the issue.  She didn't sympathize with me at all.  No my own mother tried to top my pain.  This is not a competition.  Maybe she thinks it is.  My mom has never had ovarian cysts.  She did have a fibroid in her uterus.  But you'd think she would at least try to comfort me.  I don't think she knows how.  She always ran to me to have me comfort and wait on her.  When she hurt her back, one disc herniated, she expected me to wait on her and I did.  So now that I really need her to comfort me over the phone since she lives 3,000 miles away.  But she can't find it in her to show me compassion.  Mental anguish over that one but I have a choice.  I can just deal with the fact that I am very little more than bump in her life or cut her out of mine.  I guess I won't call her very often.  I can't remove her, I'm too soft-hearted and probably too stupid.

I'd like to say things can only get better from here but I have to be a realist.  I still have two more ovarian cysts and they aren't small.  They could rupture.  I could develop thick scars from the rupture that would prevent my eggs from getting out of my ovaries.  That would mean ovarian drilling and I'm not sure at my age I'm willing to have that done.

I'm going to try to not wallow, at least for long, in self-pity.  Twice today my PCM's office called to schedule a blood pressure check.  Yesterday my blood pressure was really high because of the pain.  Twice I've now explained to them that is was because of the ovarian cyst rupture. Both the the staffers have now told me to take care of me.  I'm not sure I know how to just take care of me.  I've always taken care of everyone else.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Back From The Emergency Room

Well that was a very interesting morning.  It all started yesterday.  Yesterday I had my ultrasound which yielded not so pleasant news.  My cysts weren't going down or so I thought.  I guess the RE doc didn't know how to fully read the ultrasound.  Nor did she know how to use the device without inflicting major pain on my pelvic area.

I got home from the visit and my pain increased through out the day.  I never went to bed last night.  The pain was so bad at one point it felt like my right ovary was being pulled out through my back.  I'd sit and it felt like a rod was being shoved up my rectum and out through my right side pelvic area.  I think you get the point of pain I was in.  The acetaminophen wasn't keeping the pain at bay.

At 0500hrs today I could no longer take the pain.  I asked my husband to take me to the Emergency Room.  I couldn't sit and standing was making me faint the pain was so bad.  My blood pressure was at 164/105 because of the pain.

After an hour wait I was given a room and told to undress then don a gown.  My doctor didn't have a great bed side manner but the nurse was really pleasant.  I made sure she knew just how nice it was to see someone who'd smile.  Of course the Dilaudid injection via IV also helped.  Only sharp pain was felt after that liquid gem was given to me.

A pelvic exam revealed what I already knew, nothing to be seen as per an infection.  I knew I didn't have one.  The ultrasound was next.  A full pelvic scan and a transvaginal.  Turns out the reason why the RE doctor was having a difficult time seeing definition in the cysts, I have a third now.  Two on the left and one on the right.  Or so I thought.

Okay the doctor comes back with the results.  I do have two on the left.  One has reduced 1 cm in size to 5.5 but the new one is 4.5 cm.  As for the one on the right, the one that was 9 cm, well it ruptured.  Yeah, the reason why my pain was so bad.  Oh but its okay the doctor told me.  Sure like he'll ever feel ovarian cyst pain on a personal level.  He said it was blood filled but that too was okay.  Um, NO!    He shrugged it off.  Easy for him.  But what I want to know is where is the blood supposed to go now?  I'd rather it not lead to Endometriosis.

I'm to follow up in a week with the RE again.  One week earlier than planned.  I have my doubts that they'll want to see me so soon.  I was released at 0933 hrs and told to take acetaminophen for pain.  Really?  Seriously how is that going to cut the pain that I'm still in?  I was taking that yesterday and it did nothing to take the edge off the pain.  Sheesh you'd think they could at least give me some percocet for a few days.  The nice nurse thought he'd prescribe antibiotics because of the blood released into the abdomen however he didn't prescribe that either.  I was released without restrictions.  Does this mean I'm finally allowed to have sex?  I some how doubt it.  Not like I'm up to having that kind of activity just yet with the pain I'm in.  If the zofran doesn't prevent me from vomiting I'm to go back to the ER.  Well the Zofran is listed on the discharge instructions but no he didn't prescribe that prescription drug.  So um, what is wrong with this picture?

I feel like I got only half the medical treatment I was supposed to get.  Something is terribly wrong with this picture considering after taking the dilaudid I'm supposed to be on restricted activity for the day but yet the doctor released me without limitations.  Does this mean that I can disregard what the nurse said about not driving?

If the post doesn't make much sense blame the dilaudid for dulling my senses a  bit.  However I think I'm coherent enough to realize when I get the shaft at the medical center.  I think I'd understand the quality of treatment I received this morning had the place been busy but the ER waiting room had only five patients including me waiting to be seen.  When I left there at 0933 hrs the waiting room was empty.  So why the callousness of the treatment from the doctor?  Why did I only get partial care?  They evicted me even before the results of the several vials of blood work were done.  The doctor had me signing the release papers and telling me to get dressed and go when I still had the pic line attached.  I find that rather odd.  Hmmm....maybe they wanted a breakfast staff meeting and I was interrupting it with my pain? 

If you can think of a valid reason for my rushed and poor quality treatment today please explain it to me.  I'd really like to know.  I want to have faith in my military medical treatment facility but I'm finding it rather hard to have any today.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Open Letter To My Friends

Dear Friends:

I thought I'd start this open letter to all of you with a thank you.  I appreciate the support that you have given to me since I started this blog.

Now even more I'm going to need that support.  The visit to my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) didn't end with the results that I had hoped for.  In fact the two ovarian cysts are now a mass.  My doctor couldn't define one ovary from the other nor could she tell which one had the mass alone as it looks like they have grown together.  The nurse commented that with the size of it she doesn't know how I can stand the pain.  I just do with nothing more than acetaminophen I have no choice, now do I?

The RE spoke with me after I got dressed.  My husband was with me in the room.  Again no sex.  Again no fertility drugs.  Again bad news.  She would put in the order for five blood tests.  She explained to me that they needed to do one test that would take two weeks to get the results back.  They were going to check for cancer.

The C word is always scary.  I've had cancer scares before.  Luckily I've been able to escape it thus far.  I'm not so sure this time. 

The first day of my next cycle I need to go back in for another ultrasound.  They found the first cyst on 29 March.  Its almost 6 weeks now and the first cyst has grown, another has formed  in early April. Now they've created a mass together.  In about two weeks I'll be at the point where if its still not resolved the RE is going to refer me to Oncology.

Friends, I need your support even more now.  I'm trying to not fall apart.  I'm hoping that I'll still have a chance to reproduce.  I want a child of my own genetics so very bad.  If I already had a child I think I might be a bit more resolved to the fact that I might lose one or both ovaries but still it would be an awful blow.

Believe it or not friends, other than my spouse knowing about this you are the first to know.  I'm almost afraid to tell my family.  My dad is not well and I don't think my parents could take the added stress.  When I had the heart attack I told my husband to not let my parents know about it.  I would tell them after I was out of the hospital.  It was just a mild heart attack with no damage.  Like I said my dad is not well and I don't want to involve them in this dilemma when it could turn out to be nothing.

So my friends, if you live close by I hope you understand that I'm going to be moody.  The next few weeks are going to be torture for me having to wait for the lab results.  I'm going to be more withdrawn and want to hide a bit behind my walls and read.  Reading relaxes me.

But for now my life goes on and its time to put another load of laundry in the machine.

Wishing all of you out there good health.