Merry Christmas

Our morning started off quite well.  Eily opened up her gifts and helped us open up our gifts.

J videoed a good portion of the morning.

J did all the cooking and all the clean up.  Yay!  Mommy got to take a much needed afternoon nap before the guests arrived.

Our neighbors came over.  Julia, Nick and little Greyson brought over some wonderful rolls.  Jesus arrived a little late but his place at the table was set.  Jesus stayed the longest with us since he no one to go home to today.  Julia had the day off from hard work of housework and loved it as much as I did.  We are making plans on doing more things together after the holidays.

Everything went fine until the late evening call.  Wishing I hadn't called now.  Turns out some of the family doesn't like finding out that our precious daughter was conceived using ART.  Noses got bent out of shape.  I said the f word quite a bit.  I feel as though we should educate the public more so that our child have a future just the same as any kid out there.  I mean it is going to come out that they are children of ART sooner or later.

I cried.  She is my baby.  I detest those that dare call her a "non human".  May they rot in whatever hell exists.  I can't believe I actually got a lecture from a family member tonight to basically not tell anyone about how she was created.   Why?  I'm not ashamed of my baby.  I'm not ashamed of the process.  If I can enlighted people to the truth I will.

It is so nice to find other parents that had infertility issues that used ART too.  It is a relief when I move to a new installation to find someone that is open like I am about the struggles we go through.  To hide it is to hide behind a veil of shame, to hide in a closet crying in pain while others have what we long for, what we would die for.

How can those people be a hypocrite on a day like today of all days.  A day where Christ our Saviour was born.  He who was born by the "grace of GOD" through the angel Gabriel much like an ART procedure.

So put that on your fork dear family and eat  it with whipped cream.

Time For ART

It never ceases to amaze me how just one phone call can change one's life.  I got a phone call yesterday that did just that and left me in tears.

Not only am I not pregnant, of which I knew I wasn't, but now I have to take the next two cycles off from the medications.  I wasn't told what the progesterone levels were but I was told that it wasn't good.  No more clomiphene citrate for me because all it does is create cysts in me, even on the lowest possible dosage.

I was told that there was a long waiting list for IVF to get on to next July's schedule.  I was told that 43 is the cut off age.  Considering I'll be 42 this month I'll be too old next year.  The nurse then tells me that because I'm such a good patient they might be able to squeeze me into the next round of IVF cycle.  How am I a good patient?  What makes me all that different from any other woman trying to conceive?

Nurse Mi then tells me that there are other procedures they could try.  I can't remember the name she used but its akin to the GIFT procedure in technique from what I could understand.  She tells me to call back when I'm ready to schedule a consult.

The only thing I was ready for yesterday was to book the motel rooms for the next leg of our vacation.  Seriously I had the three window open for the bookings.  We had decided to leave today for the 4 day 3 night trip around Mt. St. Helen's and Mt. Rainer.

J and I talked.  We agreed that the IVF and other ART (assisted reproductive technologies) were more important than any vacation we could possibly spend money on.  So we ended our vacation.  He is still on leave but we are going back to being frugal.  IVF is $7,500.00 USD per try.  We might need more than one try too.

I called the RE's office this morning and set up a consult for later this month.  Nurse Mi was busy so I chatted with Nurse M on speaker so that my husband could be part of this discussion.  She said she wasn't sure what Nurse Mi said yesterday for ART but that IVF will be our best bet.  If we do a GIFT its going to be costly.  I understand.  I'm prepared.  J is prepared.  She said the injectibles alone could run into the thousands of dollars.  Well we'll see what the insurance will cover and what it won't.  We'll deal with the bills as they come due.

We want a child of our own.  Yes, we still want to adopt a second child.  But for us its important to experience the whole process of having a child first.  We want to feel the child move within the womb.  We want to have the excitement of the ultrasounds.  We want to experience the labor.  After we have one we will adopt.  Its something we've agreed upon.  Most likely we'll do foster to adopt.  But for us its that important to have the first one ourselves.

Knowing that we might not get that chance now with these blasted cysts is driving us crazy.  I have eggs, plenty of them but they aren't doing what they should.  We've already wasted so much time doing the clomiphene citrate route too.  But we listened to our doctors.  Now we are running out of time.

For someone that badly wants a baby being told it might not ever happen is just devastating.  I actually told my husband that if he wanted a divorce so that he could go find someone else that could give him kids I would do it and understand.  He, thankfully, doesn't want a divorce.  He said that if we can't have kids he and I will just get counseling to deal with it.  We are in counseling already because trying to conceive is very taxing on a couple and can rip them apart.  The hormones that I take don't make me the nicest of people to be around.  Because he doesn't have to take hormones he isn't all that understanding of what I'm going through and feels helpless with the mood swings.  Its akin to me being pregnant all the time but without the happy end result.

So that is where we stand.  For those close to me that receive holiday gifts its going to be slim gift giving this year.  We are now putting all of our money into one pile to create a baby.  I hope that you understand.