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All this past week my DH has had corrective action taken against him and most of last week as well.

Why?

Well why not!

He did take time off to be with his family.  Time off he earned.  Some of it was in the use or lose part that if it didn't get used soon it would be lost forever to be used.  Plus he is in his window to re-enlist which means that if he doesn't re-enlist all that leave left would be lost when he leaves the service next year.

So yes he was punished for taking time off to take care of his family.

Last week he was put on detail.

This week he was put on detail.

This weekend it is a four day weekend.  But not for DH.  DH has to work tomorrow.  Yet another detail. This one he was Volun-told to do.

Sigh...will it ever end?

Hopefully yes.

DH has high enough line scores for any job in the ARMY...his lowest line score on his ASVAB is a 131.

So DH is looking to make a job change.  He has been to see the retention officer.  Things look promising for DH.  He has to take a BMST (basic math science test) to prove that he is qualified for the job he is looking at.  He has taken the physical and done the blood work.  Just a few more hoops and a few more papers and maybe just maybe he'll get a chance to get out of here and into a new career in the Army.  The one he is looking into is actually one he wanted to do when he was a civilian before he was downsized at his engineering office nearly eight years ago.  Fingers crossed this works out.  It will mean a one year school but anything worth having means a lot of work.  After all DH and I have been through a year is just a drop in the bucket.

Quick Post

Third day of sucking it up.

Yesterday I tore open an incision.  It was also infected.  Great huh?

Back on antibiotics as soon as my DH gets the chance after work to go get them.  He didn't get that chance yesterday.

Eily is doing well.  I tore the incision open while lifting her of course.

I've also had to take on the house work again.  DH has no time for that either.

He has had a dressing down for even asking for an extension.

His CO has started the paperwork to chapter him out.  Why?  Well because DH doesn't have a family care plan.

He actually isn't required to have one.  I actually looked it up too.

Q: Who is required to have a Family Care Plan?
A. Generally, all Soldiers who have dependents and are either single or part of a dual-military couple must have a Family Care Plan. The requirement for a Family Care Plan applies to both Active and Reserve Component Soldiers, regardless of grade. AR 600-20, paragraph 5-5b, lists the specific categories of Soldiers for whom a Family Care Plan is mandatory. A Family Care Plan also can benefit other Soldiers, however. Although not required to do so, all married Soldiers who have family members as well as Emergency-Essential DA Civilians are encouraged to prepare a Family Care Plan.

We have it already set up in our wills as to the disposition of our estate, and our legal guardianship of our daughter in the event I should become unable to care for her or should we die.  That should be enough.  I guess it isn't enough or perhaps the CO didn't know about this document.  I told DH he needs to bring in the will when he goes in front of the CO tomorrow to show him that we did indeed have something in place already.  Perhaps this will hold him off from filing the chapter paperwork until DH can fill out the not really required paperwork.

That word encouraged should be changed to bullied or threatened in my book from what they are doing to him.

Not the Toughest Job in the Army

A week ago at a play date at the youth services center on post one of the coordinators said to the military spouses present that we have the hardest job in the Army.  I object to that statement; here is why:

• I am not putting my life on the line.
• I am not working long hours every day for people that don't appreciate me.  If only two residents in my domicile appreciate me at the least it would be my daughter and my cat.
• Being a SAHM is not a job.  It is a life choice.
• No one is requiring that I do daily exercise in order to keep my job.  Again I don't have a job.
• I don't have to wear a uniform and make sure it is clean and neat.  If my daughter spits up on me no one will chew me a new one for not changing my clothes.
• I'm not being volun-told to do anything.  I do what I do out of the kindness of my heart.  If I don't do something I won't be written up.
• The stress I am under is self-imposed due to the decisions that I freely make.
• I don't have to carry a loaded pack on my back, a rifle, ammo and wear body armor to do my job.  I don't have a job.  And if I even considered for a moment Motherhood as a job I still wouldn't have to dress like my spouse does and carry roughly 100 pounds around all day in the hot sun.

So folks, Army Wives included too, stop saying that military spouses have the hardest job in whatever branch of service your spouse is serving.  No one forced you into your marriage.

Oh and I wasn't one of those women that married into the service and knew what I was getting into.  That is a bunch of crap in my opinion.  All marriages have their difficult moments.  It is how we choose to cope with the situations when they arise that makes all the difference.  I don't know how many times I've been told in response to my situations:  "I could never do that".  Well good because no one asked you to: 

1. Live in a hotel for 5 months without your spouse
2. Live alone at a new duty station for a year while your spouse is deployed
3. Live with a new born while your spouse is away training and you are far from a loved one.
4. Cope with the death of a parent while spouse is away training.
5. Sever all contact with a sibling because you pressed charges against them all while spouse is away for training.
6. In some cases for a few women; give birth to your first born, second or subsequent child while spouse is away for training.

All of the above are results of life choices folks.  It doesn't make me special or any other military spouse special.  We all make sacrifices in our daily lives whether we are married to a service member or civilian.

Capisce?

Missing J

Last night Bugsy refused to sleep on the bed next to me.  I found it really odd since his favorite blanket is on the bed.  Then I put two and two together.

Ah I see now.  The blanket that is his favorite is his favorite because when he decided it was his last year it had J's scent on it.  The blanket has been washed so many times now that there is no more scent of J left on it.  J isn't here to sleep with the blanket either.

I did a full load of J's laundry yesterday.  Somehow I missed a pair of his jeans.  I guess that is a bit of luck.

In order to settle Bugsy down for the night I had to put the jeans down on the floor near him.  He immediately took them over.  So that is the problem!  I took the jeans away from Bugsy and removed the belt from the loops.  I put the jeans on J's chair in the bedroom and put the cat on top of them.  Problem solved.  Bugsy slept all night on J's jeans.

J called this morning to tell me he arrived safely.  I had to tell him about the cat.  He is so amazed at how much the cat misses him.  I miss J too.

Now for a pregnancy update:

Still pregnant.  11 wks 5 days.   Zero weight gain.  Feeling odd flutters in the uterus.  Finding it difficult to learn to sleep on the left side.  Right side is no problem.

Still NAUSEATED!  Oh my when will this end?

For those of you that asked, yes I have a script of Zofran but No I'm not taking it.  It gives me a bad headache.

No bump to take photos of yet.  I can feel the hardness in my pelvis where the uterus is swelling with the baby.  If I'm anything like my mom and her mom I probably won't show until late in the third trimester.  When I do start to show I'll take a photo.  But in all seriousness I can still take my size 16 jeans off without unzipping them; there is just no bump.  Oh and I'm not a short chic so I'm guessing because I'm on the taller side of the curve the reason there is no bump yet is because the baby has plenty of room to stretch out.

Nucal Translucency Scan is set for the 22nd.  I will not be getting pictures from this scan as the form I had to sign says so.

TGIF

I'm so glad it is Friday.  I can't even write about how glad I am it is Friday.

I'm not looking forward to Monday's ultrasound and I should be.  I'm afraid to go and end up with Dr. Saunders again.  That is sad because I should be looking forward to seeing the ultrasounds of my baby.

I managed to lose a pound this week.  I vomited only once but have been very nauseated. I'm actively trying to keep my weight gain to a minimum because I am fat.  The less I gain the better for the pregnancy.

Today we doubled the PIO injection to 2cc/ml.   The injection was done at 0430 hrs as per usual.  I went back to bed at 0530 hrs and had the dickens of a time getting out of bed at 1000 hrs.  I got up tried to make the bed, felt dizzy and laid back down.  30 minutes later I got back up and felt an overwhelming wave of fatigue hit me.  I said to heck with this and got under the covers this time for a one hour nap.

I'm now behind on my water intake for the day because of my extra sleep time this morning.  I'll blame the boost in progesterone.

Did I mention how scared I am of going to the ultrasound and having Saunders?  I know I did.  To make things worse my husband might not be able to go with me.  He did make the appointment for us.  But now his job is taking priorities.  I had a tiff with him about it last night at dinner.  I threatened to leave him.  I'm so sick of this crap where they know he has scheduled appointments and the fact that we are having troubles with one doctors but the Army comes first and family last.  What really sucks is that I have to get lab work done at 0700 hrs and the appointment isn't until 1120 hrs.  No car either if he needs it.  Going to be fun if I have to walk to the blasted appointment in the cold because somehow they can't give him an  hour off to go with me to an appointment.  I'm reasonable.  I told him to drop me off at 0530 hrs at the hospital and I'll get the labs done.  I'll go to the pharmacy and get my meds.  Then he can come back at the appointment time.  He still doesn't think it will work.

Did I tell you I'm a big fat chicken with the thought of having to deal with Dr. Saunders?  Especially since I not only filed an ICE report on her but went to patient advocacy and filed a complaint there yesterday.  I found out that because Saunders is chief of the REI department the ICE report would go across her desk and most likely get ignored.  I mean would you censure yourself or throw out the report if you were in charge and it came across your desk?  Yeah, exactly.

Just waiting for Monday and her to let into me again.  Just what I needed an anxiety filled weekend with my high blood pressure.

I AM NOT YOUR DUMPING GROUND

I cannot say it enough to all that will listen.  Find some place else to drop your load of woes.  Give it to God as I try to do daily.  Give it to your best friend, lover, parent or shrink but don't take it out on me.  I'm pregnant and I have hypertension.

Last week I had a bleeding scare.  Last week I called PNW to find out what should be done because they told me any bleeding was to be reported to them.  They contacted Madigan requesting an ultrasound that day.  It took a week to get me in.  That week was up today.  I was seen today.  However, I need to back track a bit.  Maureen at Madigan's REI clinic called me last week to schedule the ultrasound and said she was putting in a third beta for me as well.  Today the beta was not in the computer.  I'll get back to that in a bit.  I will be filing an ICE report ASAP but this CPU keeps saying the site has a possible virus on it.  I'll try to file the report from a different device by the end of the day.

Yesterday I had my appointment with Neurology at Madigan.  It seems as though they are curious why I hadn't been referred by my PCM to their clinic sooner and why it took the ENT clinic to do the referring.  I know I've mentioned just how competent my PCM is in the past on my blog.  The man refuses to refer
 me out like a insurance doctor refuses to see something obviously wrong with a patient like a broken bone sticking out of a leg!

Neurology determined that my carpal tunnel and tendinitis are becoming aggravated by my moderate spinal stenosis and they'd like to get a new set of EMG testing and MRI done on me to see just how worse it has gotten.  As for the dizzy spells, well it is recorded that I have mild Meniere's disease and migraine headaches.  I found out a new thing, I am one of those types of people that can get migraines without the headache too.  Just plain odd.

So I got home late in the afternoon yesterday after a 1.5 hour exam in Neurology to find that a former on line friend had gone rabid on me.  I was removed from her facebook group.  No loss as a few of the women didn't like my last post about how "WE" are not pregnant but I am in relation to my husband's use of the word over the holiday weekend.  They felt that he earned the right to say "we" even when I'm not present because he is my spouse and even more so because he is a soldier.  UM, no!  Sorry but he isn't a royal.

Anyway the rabid woman left me a message on facebook that I transferred on to the other administrator of the group.  I refused to reply to the message as I didn't want to cause more stress.

Today things just got worse in the dumping ground.  Seriously does no one care that I could have a stroke? Before the exam my bp was 139/70 and that is with me being on Labetalol 200 mg twice daily.  Dr. Saunders at Madigan RE clinic went down my throat and was looking straight at me accusing me of rapping on her back door office to gain access.  I did not.  I was at the lab the whole time.  If the RE office would stop shopping online for a few minutes and actually answer their phones especially when the Lab manager is calling them they wouldn't have my husband knock politely with one knuckle on their door.

So she chews me out.  Then she goes into how their office, I'm Tricare Prime, doesn't have to give me care since I'm using an infertility clinic outside of their network.  Um, hate to tell you doc but you do.  I have verbal agreement with Chow, Beasely, and Burney along with Jennifer that you will give me care and make available to me appointments during your clinic hours.

I told Saunders to stop.  She continued on.  I told her she was going to make me cry and to stop.  She didn't stop and I started to cry and then hyperventilate.  I asked her to leave the room.  She didn't.  My husband had to then ask her to leave.

When she came back in the room she started in on me AGAIN!  I told her to stop.  She said she was trying to apologize.  That wasn't an apology that was her blaming me yet again.  I told her that she scares me and every time, think back to 13 February where she hurt me during the SIS, she does an ultrasound she hurts me.  She has been told to not exam me again by her superiors.

Well enough of that.  You get the drift by now.  Crappy past few days.

*****WARNING*****
Ultrasound photos below

Good news is that I have at  least one baby in utero.  Saunders said there could very well be another one in there but she can't see it just yet.  I know they can develop at different rates considering the two embryos weren't genetically related to one another.

The sac with fetal pole was measuring 5 wk 5 days Yolk sac was .47 cm, CRL 0.24 cm.  Heart could be seen flickering away.  Dr. Saunders didn't see it when I saw it flickering.  She went back to it and saw it the second time around.  Yup J and I have some real hope.  I just need to keep the stress down and this pregnancy might just make it.

A Little Miffed on Syntax

I am an Army Wife.  I'm very proud of being an Army Wife.  But I don't need others telling me what I should and shouldn't be feeling.

Oh you know who you are.  And yes I'm going to step on some unnamed toes here.

You who aren't military spouses have a different sort of life from mine right down to your pregnancies.  You would probably love to use the now PC "we" when stating pregnancy.  I am not a royal and in no way will I use the third person when describing my pregnancy.  My husband is not pregnant.  I am pregnant.  Kudos to you for wanting to use the "we" with your pregnancy.

I won't state "we" and I do correct my husband when he tries to use it.  He can most definitely state that his wife is due to deliver in (insert month here) when he talking to others and I am not there.  He is more than welcome to in my presence to use the "we" are going to be parents.  But in no way is he carrying the child/ren within him.  No he shouldn't be getting special concessions for the pregnancy.  He is a soldier and his job is the Army with family second.

Case in point.  I was too tired to attend church this Sunday.  1100 hrs the phone rings.  I pick it up.  His soldier called to tell me she is looking for my husband.  I tell her he is at church and unavailable until 1130 hrs.  She gives me a message to pass on to him.  He had to report into work for a problem.  Would I have loved to have spent all of Sunday with my spouse?  Yes.  But that doesn't happen often.

I don't claim that "we" are in the Army!  I don't make claims to any of my husband's accolades.  He has earned what he has by doing his job and at times doing even more.

We will hopefully be parents next summer.  We are having a baby.  But in no way is he pregnant.  He doesn't get injected. He doesn't have to apply patches to his body.  He doesn't vomit from the hormones.  He doesn't have the cravings.

I do think he deserves some credit for donating his gametes, driving me to the appointments when he was able to make a few of them, and for listening to me talk about my fears.  But folks you do need to remember "we" is the third person and I'm not a royal.  When he and I are together and discussing the pregnancy with others "we" is just fine.

Positive, Positive, Positive

Trying to think positive.

Meanwhile, Manflesh is getting on my nerves.  Bringing home his work worries and complaints really isn't needed when he allows it to spoil our weekend.  If it continues I will move out because I don't want the stress to affect this cycle.  Life with a soldier really isn't at all like what they show on television.  There are no great reunions after deployments of any length.  The only thing that is blockbuster is their moods.

Sighs, hoping he'll put on his sign that says he'll suck it up and leave it at work rather than bring it home to family time.  Doubting that will happen.

Last night while carving a pumpkin we get a call from a person he works with.  Manflesh is giving orders and he needs to deseminate the information.  From that one call our evening went in a down hill roll like a cannon ball with a lit fuse hitting the pins.  The next four hours were spent with him in a foul mood and me trying to explain to him that he can't let crap from work ruin our family time.  We don't get much family time and I'd rather not spend it with him trying to pick a fight.

I guess he figures that if he can get me angry at him then he'll be justified with having a bad mood for Monday work call.  I'm tired of guessing.  He needs to listen to our marriage counselor and actually implement for more than two days in a row the suggested advice of the professional.

So I'm trying to think positive today that when he gets home he'll have left his work at work.  I don't care how late he comes home I'll keep his dinner warm for him while he tries to leave all finished and unfinished business at work where it belongs.   Civilians live here and sleep here and we don't take orders from folks in uniform unless it is under dire circumstances.  Maybe that sounds harsh but I'm trying to keep a peace zone in my home.  A stress free zone.  A happy zone.  Oh and I know that it doesn't fully work unless all parties are willing to make it work.

Must think positive.  Keep smile on face, find many reason to laugh and many reasons to thank God today for everyone and every blessing in my life.

Days Passing By

While J is away I've been trying to keep my sanity.  Today my RE office called to let me know I could go pick up a script that they just got in.  Nothing major just the prenatal vitamins.  I really don't feel like leaving the house today so I won't.  This is my second day of not having to leave the house to drive some place and I'm enjoying the bit of a break.

J left last week, middle of the week, and I've been driving all over since he left.  My days are so run together that I can't remember what I got accomplished on what day now.

My typical day is this while he is away:
0130 hrs in bed finally to sleep
0300 hrs up to pee
0430 hrs or slightly before - up to take meds
0600 hrs up again to pee
0830 hrs to take more meds
1000 hrs finally drag myself out of bed to pee, wash, and get dressed
1030 hrs scoop liter box, become slave to new cat, try to get work done including online shop
1230 hrs oh yeah I forgot to eat didn't I.  Time to eat.
1430 hrs after dishes are done, laundry started, housework middle of completion become slave to cat again.
1730 hrs realize I should make dinner
1800 hrs cat says he wants dinner now  feed Bugsy now inside
1815 hrs feed stray cat outside
1900 hrs read for a bit then computer time with the hopes of catching my husband online

Now what J has been doing in photographs.  I am assuming I can put the photos here as they were on facebook already along with their time table so I can't really consider it an OPSEC violation if they are already that public.

Kind of self explanatory with all the photos.  He set up tents, dug firing positions, stood guard duty, taught map reading, received a medal, goes to work in his MOS, back to guard duty and somewhere in all that he gets some sleep and food before  his day starts all over again.  Mind you he doesn't have a tent to sleep in but that is okay because quite a few others don't have tents either with the ground being too hard to put in regular tent pegs.  I can assure you he still has shelter to sleep in, just not the conventional tent kind.

Think and Do; A Fire Story in Brief

Yesterday Equity was at my house working on two issues of plumbing when the tech, Tristan, asked me if I was burning anything.  I said no.  We both then heard the smoke alarm going off down the street.  Yes, my hearing is usually really good and amazes everyone to the point they often think I'm hearing stuff.  I wished I had been hearing a figment of my imagination yesterday.

Tristan and I drop everything and dash out the front door. We both just reacted without really giving it thought.  Running down the street I saw my neighbor's house engulfed in smoke.  I stopped next door to the fire to pound on my friend's front door.  Her husband had left for training that morning and thought perhaps she had finally fallen asleep.  As I couldn't raise her to come to the door I decided to turn her hose on and offer it for firefighting if any one wanted to man it as I ran to the back of the house where there were shouts for help there.

A soldier, a new move-in that I don't yet know, said there are dogs trapped in the locked house.  He broke in and grabbed the dog crate that got passed to Tristan and I over the fence door. The fence doors along most of the neighboring lots including mine have been padlocked of late because of a rapist that was on the loose over the weekend.  We ran with the dog crate as best as we could down to my yard and I had to unlock my fence.

The smoke was so thick I had to shut all the windows in the house to prevent getting more sick.  The dogs, Oreo and Brownie, were now safe with me.  I made sure they were okay and had plenty of water. 

The owners came to check on them during the fire and picked them up later in the afternoon.  Unfortunately they forgot the dogs' crate of which isn't a problem for me and I'm sure they'll think about getting it later on when they are allowed to go back in their house to get some possessions this week.

I washed and dried the blankets in the crate so that none of the fire smell was still on them.  Wishing I could do more for the neighbors right now but they know since I offered if they need anything I'll try to help out.

The first few pictures were taken during the fire of the scene by the friend I was trying to wake up.  Turns out she was safe on another area of the post.  During the fire my friends came to visit me and the dogs to make sure they were okay.

Other than a mild case of smoke inhalation from running to a burning building I'm fine.  My asthma inhaler taken twice yesterday worked wonders.
The next photos are the ones I took yesterday after the scene was cleared of crew.

The back half of the house is burnt under the roof too all the way to the bedrooms.  They think it started in the utility room where the dryer was left going while both adults were at work.  Most of the interior, from my information, will be gutted for repairs as it is an almost total loss.  This is the seventh fire this year on our installation. 

I'm really proud of my Army Family coming together to help out a neighbor in need.  Hopefully I'll find out who that soldier was that got into the house to thank him for being so brave.

Guilt Tripped and Graduation

I was chatting with my father on the phone today.  He is still in the nursing home until my brother flies in to have him released.  My brother will also be picking up my mother from her nursing home too.  Kudos for my brother, it is about time he helps out my parents.

Dad was guilt tripping me today.  He learned it well from his mother.  When grandma was in her nursing home and I'd get ready to leave she'd throw a fit and threaten to throw my photograph and painting (a portrait of me by a local artist) into the trash can in her room.  I said to her to go ahead because I had to get to work.

Well my father is trying to do the same.  I told him to knock it off as it isn't nice to guilt trip your child and he should know better because he didn't like when his own mother did it to him. 

He had told me that he doesn't know how much longer he has to live and that basically I should insist that the Army hurry up and move to me to the East Coast.  Dad was in the Army and he does know that it doesn't work that way.  So yes, he was truly trying to guilt trip me.  I wasn't going to fall for it.

I do feel bad that my brother, who is not competent to care for our parents, will be taking care of them.  I reminded my mother that he'll need to take a shot class as Dad has to have insulin shots.  Really wishing I could be there to administer that drug.  I know I could do a good job of it with all my experience in giving myself injections.

Graduation went well for J yesterday.  I posted some photos for his family on facebook.  Since my mother's cell phone doesn't have the internet on it and she doesn't use facebook I told her that I also sent them to her email and they'll be waiting for her upon her return home.

As for other graduation photos.  I think it is a total rip off to pay out $54.70 for just 6 photos.  But that is what we paid.  We get 1 8x10, 1 5x7, and 4 wallet size for that amount.  I'll be taking a trip to photo developer to get more made for family of course.

Directly after graduation we went out to dinner at Red Lobster.  We had a gift card given to us at Christmas for that restaurant and figured it would be a great time to use it.  Thank you R & M for that gift card.  J really enjoyed his steak and lobster dinner.  I too enjoyed my meal and still managed to lose 0.2 pounds over night!  Bonus!!!

Teacups

I feel like I'm on the teacups ride and it is at full tilt spinning faster than I can manage to hold on.

Life of late is dizzying.

Last night my spouse upset me so much that I started vomiting stomach acid.  There are times that he can be a real jerk.  Times around ovulation usually and that time is now.

I can't believe that he was jealous that I was able to receive communion yesterday and he wasn't.  Well sorry.  No, wait I'm not sorry.  I've received communion in his religion and I can't understand why the Catholic church won't let him receive communion in mine.  Whatever.

This week we'll find out where and when with any luck.  Looks like it is quite promising that J will be re-enlisting.  But we don't know if we'll be staying here or going to Ft.Stewart, Ft. Bragg, or Ft. Polk.  Your guess is as good as mine.

Saturday I went shopping for window treatments.  I never did get around to purchasing window treatments for my dining room.  I just put up my brass rod with an old set of curtains I had while in Texas.  They have seen better days and the white color blends in too much with the white walls.  If we stay here I'll put up the curtains in the kitchen.  If we move then I'll have curtains for the next place I move too.

I'm still producing green from the nasal cavities.  I do realize that the Augmentin is still going to be working its magic for about another 5 days.  Saturday was my last dosage.  However, I'd like this sinus infection from hell to go back to where it came from.

Cookie Day

These are the cookies I made up yesterday for J to take to work today.

Oreo cookies covered in vanilla candy melts.  Easy to do but yes it is time consuming.  Would probably have been even more time consuming if I had used the decorator bags to pip the candy into the molds.  I did try on just two cookies to spoon the different color in place but it bled out.  You can see the two cookies in the back that I tried it out on.  Really I don't think the soldiers are going to care what they look like but only how they taste.

In other news, for the past three days I've been making pineapple smoothies.  I found that I really don't like the one with the frozen banana in it at all.  It gives me indigestion.  Yesterday I made pineapple and blueberry smoothie which wasn't bad.  Today it was pineapple and blackberry smoothie.  I make enough for two servings so that I get my serving in every morning and J can have his serving, I stick it in the freezer, as more of a frozen fruit ice in the evening.

My smoothie recipe:

1 cup of frozen fruit
3 ice cubes
1 TBSP honey; more or less for sweetness
3 pineapple rings
1 cup almond milk or low fat milk

Puree' in blender and serve in a glass.



I bought a large package of Oreo double stuff for the above cookies.

Yay! SNOW

I woke up to this.  Last night it snowed only a little.  I love snow.  Hoping we get a bit more this week so I can make a snowperson.

Still no word on J being able to re-enlist.  He did find out why his down range SFC said no to recommending his re-enlistment.  One reason was me.  Yes, really it was me.  Why?  Well he said that I had too many doctor appointments.  Okay so yes I'm very sorry I'm infertile but I do need my husband there for the appointments where he had to provide his specimen.  Excuse me for wanting to start a family.  They can't legally use this against him in the context of my infertility but they can say that my health is an issue and he is a liability because of it.  I don't request that J take me to my appointments except for the infertility ones and I've gone to quite a few of those alone too.  He wasn't around for the SIS or many of my ultrasounds.  So much for the Army being progressive.  I have requested use of the family car for my appointments and his bosses get pissy that I need the car for appointments.  Well sorry as far as I know there is nothing in his contract saying he has to have a car or a cell phone for that matter but the Army gets mighty pissy when the cell phone is shut off or out of range.  He only has to have a contact number, mainly a home phone, for them to reach him.

Today I have the IUI.  J had to explain to them it was a procedure that he had to be there for.  Well he damn well better be there for his part.  I'm sorry but I'm not letting just anyone be my baby's father!

Triggering Today

Today was my ultrasound appointment.  I really don't know exactly where I am in my cycle because last cycle was so screwed up.  I haven't been using OPKs, not that I don't have plenty on hand, but I just didn't use them this cycle.

Captain H is a new doctor at the clinic.  Really nice man so far.  He was gentle with the probing though he did have a hard time finding my ovaries.  Most new doctors do have a difficult time finding them the first probe.

My uterine stripe is 12.8, really thick.

Right ovary has a 5.5 mm follicle

Left ovary has a 29 mm follicle

I gave myself the trigger shot as soon as I got home from the clinic.  I asked J if he wanted to do it this time since it has been a while and he said no.  I told him he has to at least watch.  He did but it still bothered him.  Honestly I didn't even feel the injection.  Yes, I'm that good at giving injections!

I have to say that last cycle I didn't eat coconut or use coconut oil but I did this cycle.  I've noticed that when I use coconut products in my daily dietary intake I have better follicle output.  Coincidence?

Remember this again is a natural cycle.  They don't give me stims any longer because I develop cysts.  Captain H, though I though 29 mm was a bad number, thought it was really good and I should trigger today with an IUI tomorrow.

SRM will hopefully be calling me before 1400 hrs to schedule the IUI.  J has an all day class tomorrow so for us first thing in the morning would be best.  Hopefully we'll get a really early time.

Three days after IUI I am to start the progesterone support as ordered.  I didn't even have to ask for it this time.

Last evening J and I were discussing foster to adopt.  I was telling him how adopting and older child might be the thing for us.  Often the older children are harder to place and would love a home just as much as the newborns.  He thought it was a wonderful idea.  I even suggested adopting every couple of years through the foster system of which he again liked the idea.

One way or another we'll have our family.

Still on the Bench

J and I are still waiting for an answer.  No news is good news right?  Well not for stress it isn't.

We are hoping to have an answer by the end of today or at the latest early next week.  Half days will be starting at most offices on the installation soon.  If J is going to be able to re-enlist they'll need to get this approval from the colonel soon.

In sad news, a friend of J's family died recently.  J's mom emailed him about the death.  I haven't seen him so sad in a long time.  May Col. Q. rest in peace.

My labs came back from the draw yesterday.  All is fine.  No numbers were given to me.  I really didn't think I was deficient to need support since I do take vitamins daily.  Now to figure out why I'm still sick.

J told me that maybe I need to file an ICE complaint about my doctor.  Honestly I had forgotten about that option.  I'd rather not have to report my doctor for anything but his general knowledge is lacking.  He is the same doctor that won't prescribe narcotics and refused me any before my laproscopic surgery back in June.  Many of you will remember how much pain I was in back then.  This is the same doctor that has misdiagnosed me on a few visits too and refused to put in referrals to specialists too.  If we didn't have such a shortage of available doctors for dependents at my clinic I would actively seek out switching in a heart beat.  It could take months for me to get a new doctor, not a PA or NP either since with my medical issues I need an MD, D.O. or what have you.

I hope that everyone has a good weekend.

More of the Same

I'm exhausted. 

I went to the doctor's office today.  My PCM looked down my throat and said it was fine.  Is he going blind or am I stupid?

My glands are swollen, my throat is red and my tonsil are sticking out.

He offered to do a culture if I thought I needed it.  I don't have a fever so I said no since I know I'm not infectious.  He offered me the Isolep solution again.  Gag No Thanks!

So I guess it isn't just my RE office that is suffering the budget cuts but my PCM office that is being tortured with budget cuts too.  I say this because I told the doctor that I've had this problem since September and he thinks I'm fine.  Okay, sure.

He did order blood work for the fatigue.  Vit B 12 and follate.  I'm thinking that yes I might be a bit low on the B 12 but still in the normal range.

My PCM also didn't like the long list of problems I have.  By problems I mean diagnoses by other doctors and started eliminating them on the computer from my records.  I had to stop him.  He heard in my voice that I was getting angry, especially when he tried to take out my infertility diagnoses.  I mean I wish I didn't have it but taking it off my records won't change that fact considering I am still actively trying to conceive!

Why are they instituting such budget cuts that I end up with crack pot doctors?

Married To The Army

Of late I've been able to catch on demand a few episodes of a new show on OWN called Married To The Army Alaska.  Not sure if any of my followers watch this show but I highly recommend it if you like the Army Wives drama.  The show on OWN is more realistic than the drama on Lifetime network.

There are days, heck weeks, where I feel like my husband is married to the army and not to me.  This past weekend was just one of those many times.  I'm not complaining mind you but just telling you like it is.  I'm used to putting our marriage last to his job.  I'm used to having to cancel well made plans at the last minute.  We will find time to be together.

What I am going to complain about is that J is still waiting on a final decision.  Yes, the "Hail Mary" that we've been waiting for.  He'll know this week.  This word will be the final decision.  Meanwhile J is working and going to ACAPP.  He is doing everything he can to please everyone involved in this process.

I honestly can't wait for this decision to be final.  I can't take much more of the stress.

CD 4 and I'm having bilateral pelvic pain.  Rather soon for follicles to be causing pain.  J and I are remaining hopeful that soon we'll catch an egg.  So many things in our lives our now on the last chance.  We had to put off creating a family while he was deployed, though I do know of some that have continued to try while their husbands were away it just wasn't for us as we didn't have that option back then.

http://www.oprah.com/own-married-to-the-army-alaska/Episode-4-Someone-Has-To-Go

if you want to watch the show I mentioned above.

CD 15 A Little Darker

Today my OPK was a bit darker but still not as dark as it should be.  Maybe tomorrow?

I'm not trying to be depressing but I am realizing that even if I manage to get pregnant this cycle the odds are against me.  Even without having Stage III Endometriosis I have only a 50% chance of carrying to the 20th week.  I've explained all this to J.    To be honest I think my best bet would be not only an egg donor but a surrogate too.

On that train of thought, I know it's bad, but wouldn't it just be easier for my husband to have a fling at this point?  He would still have a child of his own.  I'm not trying to be depressing but haven't most of us just thought about this just once?

If I had a young cousin that didn't mind doing an IUI it would be great but the fact is that I don't have any young cousins.  All are either too old or too young.  My husband has cousins that are the right age but um, I think we'd have to worry about the genetics since it would be his cousins unless it is a cousin far enough out but then again I highly doubt any would volunteer to do something like this for us.  Pregnancy takes a lot out of a woman.  I had a friend volunteer her eggs two years back but her BMI puts her way above the allowable limits to make it safe for her.  Plus now she is over 35 herself.

But I can dream that I'll get pregnant this cycle, stay pregnant long enough to have a viable birthing and a child to pass on the: DNA, dreams, hopes,  and learning too?

Come April J will have to pay out of pocket to keep Tricare coverage for both of us.  Before it was more simple.  J was fully covered by his job.  We are learning just how hard this is going to be for transitioning.  I really hope he finds a good job before he leaves the service though he isn't allowed to start working for them until I think they stated 30 days after he leaves the service.

I too need to start looking for work. J will still have two years of reserves he has to fulfill but that won't pay the bills.  So I guess the only thing that I won't have to change is the name of my blog for two more years.  LOL

How Can You Love Me

"Sit down, we need to talk.", I said as I'm beating the egg in the bowl.  On the kitchen counters around me are the ingredients for tonight's supper of Toad in the Hole which has become a favorite of his.

He sits down with a plop into the dining room chair in a room that is attached to the kitchen.  A sullen look is on his face and his arms are crossed in front of his chest.  I can see that he is defensive ready for an expected tongue lashing. 

Not wanting to come out with an attack statement I take a minute to read the cook book for the next step, though I've made this recipe several times, I gather my thoughts.

Tick, tick, tick, the clock in the kitchen is reminding me that I'm going to lose his attention shortly if I don't come up with an opening that won't shut him down for listening.

I add the flour to the bowl and say, "I do understand what you are going through.  Losing this job is losing an identity.  I realize that you are going to feel out of sorts for a while."

He looks at me with anger.  He doesn't want to be sitting there discussing this.  He would rather it never happened but we have to deal with this now so that he knows I'll be beside him through it all.  He says, "I don't know how you can understand when I can't understand it either.  I feel empty.  No wait, I feel anger.  All I have left in me is hate.  I still love you but I hate myself.  It is my fault this happened."  He is gesturing wildly through his words.

"How can you love me if you can't love yourself first?  You will have to find your own reason to be happy through this and learn to love yourself again.  I know you just said that you love me but your actions of late don't show that you do love me.  You have been pushing my buttons and pissing me off.  You want me to be angry so you are justified in the feeling that the world hates you.  I'm going to try even harder to not let this happen.  I've been down that slippery slope and its a long hard haul back up."

The dry ingredients are mixed at this point and I've added the egg to the well I made. Slowly I pour in the milk mixture and stir it into the dry ingredients.  The oven is preheating.

"I don't like the fact that you always understand.  I would rather you get upset when I can't come home for dinner or the weekend plans have suddenly changed.  I don't want you to understand what I'm going through right now."  He sits back in his chair and once again crosses his arms in front of his chest.

I put the casserole dish with the sausages into the oven to bake for 15 minutes while the batter is rising.  "Well I'm sorry that I do understand.  Why should I get upset over something that changes my plans when there is absolutely nothing I can do about keeping them?  I would rather get upset over something I can control.  You know, maybe you being so pale of skin you should get your vitamin D checked too.  You've been depressive and in a lot of bodily pain of late.  I know you didn't get much sun this summer either because you opted to stay inside most of the time I was on bed rest  It wouldn't hurt to get the lab work done.  If it is low maybe it will help improve your mood.  If it isn't the problem then maybe you should find someone to talk to."

"I've talked to three shrinks and they say I'm just fine!"  He gets up and walks off.

Staying in the kitchen I start some area clean up and setting of the table.  The "talk" is finished and I shut off the light in the dining room area.

Side note:  J is allowed to feel like he does right now.  The Army has been the life he has always wanted.  A place where he felt like he belonged.  He wanted to be a career man.  He wanted to be an officer.  He wanted to lead.  One by one his dreams have been taken away from him.  Did he do it to himself?  Was he just another warm body that soon became excess baggage to the Army in their draw-down?  What I see is a man with broken dreams.