The Dawning of a Better Day

Last night I pulled myself out of my funk.  I knew that it was again up to me to change the outlook on my own life.  It isn't all that bad I said to myself.  So what if my spouse can't handle work stress.  He isn't the only GI out there fighting the same fight and I'm not the only spouse out there with the same issues.

I know how much my husband loves pizza.  Last night when he called to say he wouldn't be home at the usual time I told him it was okay.  He doesn't like how I'm okay with him not being home on time.  He has said to me before that he doesn't understand how I can be so understanding of his work.  I tell him it isn't that I'd not like to rant and rave but that there is absolutely nothing I can do about his work schedule but accept it.  And that is what I do folks; I accept his work schedule since I can't change. So I decided to make him a special meal.

When he got home, near enough to 8 PM for me to call it 2000 hrs here, I asked him if he'd like his very own pizza for dinner.  He was surprised that I was willing to make it for him.  I explained that it won't be my own homemade sauce and dough but that I have a bottle of pizza sauce on hand and some Pillsbury dough.  He was okay with that.  I handed him over our daughter, she had just been fed and burped but didn't want a nap.  I chopped and diced and sliced up his favorite ingredients while the crust with some Italian seasoning was baking in the oven.  When the pre-cooking part was done I topped it and baked it again.  He was very appreciative especially since I got him a tv tray and he was able to watch a program on the television while being waited on.

I know that he hasn't been getting all the attention he would like of late.  I told him as much.  I said that I don't get attention from him either.  We realize that Little E comes first.  It is only for the first year or so that she needs so much attention and over the next few months it will be less so than it was the first month and so on until she is able to feed herself from the foods I give her.  For now she still needs all the attention that is normal for a 3 month old.  I remind him and myself that we made the same demands upon our parents too.

This morning my spouse helped me back to bed once he realized I was sleep walking and sleep talking again.  Ugh, I really detest PTSD.  Once I got back in bed I woke up and he told me what happened again.  I guess this morning I really seemed coherent up to the point where I asked him to take the baby from me and I wasn't holding her as she was in her crib.  He then knew I was sleep walking and talking.  I'm so afraid something is going to happen to my daughter that every night I go looking for her in our bed, frightened when I can't find, then wake up to realize this is the very reason why I refuse to co-sleep.  Imagine if I had one of those nightmares with her in the bed?  I'm afraid I end up flipping her out of the bed by accident.

I got up a bit late this morning and was giving Little E a bottle at 0628 hrs; still half an hour before the Itzbeen timer of 5 hours went off but that is just a reminder alarm for me if she hasn't fussed for a feeding beforehand.  When I got into the kitchen I noticed that J had cleaned up his morning mess, washed out Bugsy's wet food dish, and replaced the dish towels too.  That made my morning happy.  Well that and the fact I was able to sneak in a shower and write up this blog post.

I'll leave all of you with a photo and video.

This is a paw print of Bugsy and a hand print of Little E along with a shell I got on the beach in WA.  My little souvenirs of my time there.

Little E is learning to sit up for longer than a few seconds now.  I'm sure she would have stayed up longer if it hadn't of been for the coughing that started.  All that drooling from teething she does and sometimes she sucks it back down the throat.

Impressions

"A good opinion once lost is lost forever" Jane Austen.  I interrupt that opinion to be an impression.  Impressions can last a lifetime.  What we say, what we do, what we wear and how we present ourselves with body language encompass what becomes the first impression that others draw from us.  How do you want others to see you?

Of late I swear I must be doing something wrong.  I get the impression that I'm on the product recall list and folks around me aren't sure how to treat me with my limitations.  Okay so I shouldn't be doing housework but I've learned that if I don't do it, like the laundry, it will just become a mountain.  So today I'm breaking down and doing laundry.  J was helping on that but of late he has decided computer gaming is more fun than housework.  I can agree there but um, I don't like to run about naked in the cold weather because I have no clean clothing.  I'm back to doing all the cooking again too.  So much for me being treated like I'm already pregnant.  If I want to eat I have to cook.

I get the impression that I'm okay to be lied to.  Bit of a touchy subject there.  I just don't like it when people lie to me.  I'm an adult and I wonder if they look at me like I'm a child that has to be lied to because of my health conditions.  Really I'd rather a person just hold their tongue than give me a lie.  I can tell when a person is lying.  I notice the body language right off.  If I'm being lied to over the phone I can also hear it quite clearly in the person's voice.I always figure out the lie and will bring you to the mats for lying to me too.  Its not a pretty sight.  If you know I'm going to have an adverse reaction to your lies then why do you tell them to me?  Seriously do you like to see me get angry and have my already high blood pressure elevate even further?

If someone wants to make a good impression on me they will put their real self forward.  I don't go for all the smoke and mirrors.  I want the real you.  A better and stronger friendship is created when a person is honest, it shows that they can be trusted.  If all you want to show me is that you want to suck up to me than we aren't going to have much of a friendship.  I won't be calling on you to be there at my parties, nor will you be invited to dinner or even to tea.

Sounds a bit harsh but truly would you want a friend that lies to you?  Would you want to be friends with someone that only wants your friendship just to get ahead in life?  If you receive my attentions and food gifts its because I find you worthy and value our friendship.