Friday, July 25, 2014

Packing it up

Last week I fit into my regular clothing again.  Please don't hate me if you are still struggling with losing the weight you gained during your pregnancy.  I still have a long way to go to lose the 30 pounds I need to lose at my age.

I put all the clothing I had purchased for the pregnancy in a sweater box and put it under my bed.  Yes, when I had purchased the clothing I had secretly hoped that maybe I'd use it for a second pregnancy.  Alas that won't happen; ever.

Packing it up is a reality check.  I won't ever be pregnant again.  I won't ever feel another baby move within me again.  I miss having my baby girl safely inside of me, especially when she is fussing late at night and nothing seems to calm her.  Yes she is starting to get into that colicky phase of growing.  Three hours or more of crying three or more nights a week and she is almost three weeks old.

I'm still hormonal.  I'm not sure how long this will last.  Its has been a few days since I last cried, well until today.  Right now I have tears in my eyes.  It is just tears of self pity.

I know that if I had been reading another infertile's blog and she had been crying over the loss of a uterus I would probably have judged her harshly in my mind, not in a comment though, for having more than I did at the time.  I'm lucky.  I know I'm really lucky.  I'm alive and I have a baby.

I'm still really tired.  J has been taking over the feedings.  I express milk because Little E can't latch onto my large nipples yet.  J has been getting to bond with her of which she needs since he'll be going out into the field soon.  Yes, I'm afraid of being left alone with her while not being able to drive as of yet.

My incision is still hot, red, bruised and hurts where the staples were.  It still bulges on the right side.  I'd say that the ovaries are waking up but I can't be sure.  I mean it feels just like it did when I had the endo pain.  Is that even possible without the uterus being there?  I think so since the endometriosis grows where it wants to and mine loved to grow on my bowels, bladder and ovaries.

We won't be adopting a baby or an older child.  We won't be looking for a surrogate either.  With what we've gone through one baby will have to be enough for us.

Another note to share:  I just ordered two more cases of newborn diapers.  Little E is just too little still for the cloth diapers I have on hand where the weight starts on the smallest one at 8 pounds.  We weighed her the other day in J's arms and estimated 6 pounds 6 ounces.  We'll know more on Tuesday at her next Peds appointment.  Her newborn clothing is still huge on her slender frame.  We bumped up her bottle to 3 ounces every 3 hours plus what I can express.  The good feeling I get when she sucks dry the bottle of the breast milk makes the sore nipples from the pumping so worth it.  She is worth any discomfort I might have in my life.

I love Little E.  Thank you God for my precious baby girl.


  1. Aw...of course you're sad. You'd love to experience pregnancy again and have more kids. I'm sorry that's not possible. I know you're so grateful for E. *hugs* to you

  2. I can't imagine ever judging someone harshly after losing a body part...for any reason! A woman could have 10 children and losing a uterus would still suck. Losing a big toe would suck. Shame on people whose first reaction is judgment and not compassion.

    Losing baby isn't hard if your breastfeeding. It is keeping weight off after you stop that is hard. Just a heads up warning, having a baby later in life your metabolism seriously crashes after. And you think your hormones are crazy now? I cried for a week straight when my daughter weaned herself. It was awful! I would have breast fed her a lot longer if she had been willing.

  3. Do not feel judged or judge yourself. You've been through hell and back and suffered a huge loss. Even before getting pregnant the first time, I always had the mentality of our family not being complete with just one child. I would be devastated if that ended up being the case.

  4. Good luck! The 5 S in the happiest baby on the block really helped calm my baby during that phase.

    I exclusively pumped in the beginning and was getting sore nippes. What helped was lowering the suction and doing breast compressions as i pump. Also the first 12 weeks is when you establish milk supply so when you feel up for it i would pump more often and add in as much skin to skin suggles. Oatmeal also helps. Youre doing great!

  5. No judgement here- you've been through a lot. Even knowing this was my last planned pregnancy, I'd still have been upset and at a loss if I'd went through what you have (hugs)

    Have you mentioned the incision to your OB? If you get a fever, go in. Being red and hot can be a sign of an infection, that's how mine started out.

  6. I've been reading for a while but not commenting. I want to say congrats on you baby girl.

    I also want to say I'm still waiting for mine after 6ish years after starting this journey and I feel nothing but sadness for you having lost your uterus. I can't imagine anyone would want to judge you for it and I doubt you would have judged. It's hard to have so little control over our fertility for so long and then no control over the end of it. It doesn't matter that you have a baby now. Feel sad if you need.


If you decide to be a Troll I will refuse to pay your toll and your comment will not appear.