Keeping Secrets

Inside this house many secrets are kept.  For now I'll share two with you.

Yesterday we finished the decorating the tree and I thought it would be nice to post an updated photo of the exterior with our tree in the window.

The first secret I'll share with all of you is that my tree is a bit of an illusion.  But you'll have to look at the next photo to see what I'm talking about.

 My tree is not full sized like it appears to be from outside.  No I don't have room for a huge tree.  I have my tree on an antique oak stand in my front living room window for all outside to see.  I think it makes for a pleasing view, don't you?

This is my tree with the lights on in the house but not lit on the tree.  I've made most of the decorations for the tree including the ribbon with all the bells on it and the tree skirt.  All hand sewn.

But this means its time to tell you the second secret I had promised to share.

Yesterday while decorating the tree I was unwrapping the special ornaments, not all did I make mind you.  As I was unwrapping a glass angel I started to choke up with tears.  I bought that ornament for my first pregnancy loss.  I decided it was too painful to put on the tree this year.

See the secret is that I did get pregnant this past cycle natually and I did lose it.  Two pregnancies lost in such a short period of time.  One via IVF the other naturally and both meant so much to us.  We did have hope.  But I knew that it was futile as the reason why I lost the babies the first time in 1996 was the fact that I didn't have enough progesterone in my system and going natural meant running that risk again.  Still it was nice to know we could create one of our own without help.  I guess I just need to have my hormone levels watched more closely for a dive in progesterone next time.

So last night I was angry.  I decided to put up just one gold angel to represent all the lost babies we've had.  J stood by me and he hung the angel.  I was so angry at myself I just wanted to destroy the tree but I didn't.  I held back the rage and just let the tears slip down my cheeks.

We are still going ahead with the IVF for January.  I'm on the pill.  I'm cranky with the bloat.  Weight loss is an uphill battle right now.  If I can maintain or lose a bit I'm good.

I've gotten my blood work back.  My numbers are as normal as can be for CD3, I'm on CD7 now. 
CD3 numbers:
E2 30
LH 8.59
FSH 7.54

Luteinizing Hormone (LH)

Day 3

< 7 mIU/ml

A normal LH level is similar to FSH. An LH that is higher than FSH is one indication of PCOS.

Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH)

Day 3

3-20 mIU/ml

FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate. In PCOS testing, the LH:FSH ratio may be used in the diagnosis. The ratio is usually close to 1:1, but if the LH is higher, it is one possible indication of PCOS.

Estradiol (E2) Day 3 25-75 pg/ml Levels on the lower end tend to be better for stimulating. Abnormally high levels on day 3 may indicate existence of a functional cyst or diminished ovarian reserve.

Finances and Fun

Finances and Fun were the agenda for this morning, a typical Monday morning here on post.  In the times between PT and Work Call my cousin called me.  Since I was awake it was no problem to chat with her.  There are some Monday mornings I just need to sleep in to recover but since we changed the clocks back yesterday my bio-rhythms are all messed up.  My routine is shot.

My cousin and I discussed the situation at hand.  Seems like we are in the same boat more often then not with our families and both of us being married to Army guys.  Money is tight and family is always a distance away.

I have to admit that I'm pretty good with the pay.  Even today I was printing out my husband's credit report at www.annualcreditreport.com  
I had printed out my own report last month but had to get another ink cartridge for the printer in order to print his report.  Every year I print them.  I like seeing who has been looking at our credit report under the inquiries section.  I feel as though its a wise thing to do because of so much identity theft and fraud my friends have been reporting.

To make our small income, I'm disabled and don't work, stretch each month I've learned to plan meals.  Tonight we are having tacos.  With the planned meals it means we can splurge once in a while like last week Friday when we went on a date to La Creme Brulee'.

Bargain hunting, shopping with coupons, waiting for sales, looking for clearance deals all help with stretching the military budget.  Better yet, think long and hard about that major purchase.  My husband has been wanting a new vehicle since he got back.  Just this Saturday we had to have a major brake job done on our SUV.  $800.00 later the car will stop like it should without fear of hitting something or someone.  I knew that we'd be needing that brake job later this year so while he was deployed I saved up for the work.  Its all about rationalizing spending.  I could have done like so many other spouses when their husbands were deployed and gone on shopping sprees but I knew that the temporary rush of having something new just wouldn't help later on when I needed something repaired and couldn't afford it.

Kudos to me!  While my spouse was deployed I saved enough to pay off our SUV loan.  I still had enough left so that when he got back home we could go on vacation without having to worry about how we'd pay it off.  Even now with the brake job I still had enough to cover that expense and another emergency should it arise, of which I really hope it doesn't.

It can be done.  Its not easy.  But I like knowing we don't owe out more than we can bring in each month.

Over the weekend we did a fun, free, family building event here at home.  Though we aren't Christians it doesn't mean that we don't decorate for the Winter holidays.  We celebrate Yule which does come before Christmas.  Construction paper, printer paper, glue sticks, and scissors are something I usually have on hand.  I've learned that if I decorate with my own hand made decorations I can make my house really something special. This year with my husband home he wants to add color into the paper chains.  Last year I did all white chains and snowflakes.  I tore the paper and he glued together chains while watching movies on the television and chatting about what we wanted to get done in the near future.

Below are the photos of how I decorated last year at my house.

I'm hoping this year with the addition of color to the chains it looks even better.  The first year I started the paper chains was when I was living in the hotel off-post for five months.  I purchased a potted tree, later it was planted in the ground, and made chains and snowflakes.  It doesn't cost much to make your own decorations and it can be fun for the family, who knows you might bond over gluing chains.