IVF And Army Complications

Well it seems as though that when it rains it pours.  Creating life is now a bit more difficult for J and I.

Here I thought I was the only one with the fertility issues, but now it seems that the morphology of his sperm is now borderline.  When did that happen?

So we are now adding into our procedure ICSI, Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection, and the AH, Assisted Hatching.  This is going to up our cost of the IVF another $1400-1800.

Now for the biggest problem.  Getting the chance to keep my spouse home for the IVF and pregnancy, God I hope there is a pregnancy.

My doctors aren't being that cooperative.  I've now asked two of the folks at my REI to write a letter stating that in the event of pregnancy that they would recommend that my husband be allowed to stay on rear-D until the risk of loss is removed.  They won't do it.  Its not like we are asking him to stay home for the entire deployment.  Nor are we asking his brigade to go understaffed either.  We've explained to my doctors that they are currently overstaffed for my husband's slot and he would like to be considered for one of the rear-D slots that are open.

But no, REI can't help.  Now I have a referral to MFM, maternity fetal medicine.  I need to be evaluated for my high risk any way and maybe they could write a letter with a recommendation.  I hope.

I have to go over to see a mental health doctor too.  No I'm not crazy but I'm just getting myself prepared to deal with this deployment, a possible pregnancy, possible miscarriage, possible realizing that my fertile years are totally gone.  I need someone to talk to about the hormone roller coaster that will understand what I'm going through.  Maybe she will be able to write some sort of recommendation.

Next I have to see my cardiologist.  I'm far behind on those appointments.  I've missed two this year.  Maybe Dr.K. will be able to write something about my risk factor.

I still have to go see my PCM, primary care medicine, for a prescription renewal of my high blood pressure and asthma medicines.  Maybe Dr.G. will be able to write a recommendation.

I have my doubts.  I'm certainly not going to ask my optometrist to write a note.  I'm not blind yet even though my optic nerves are calcifying.  Yes, eventually I will go blind.

I just want one of my doctors to write a blasted note that the commander needs before he makes out the list of who he is planning on sending out for this deployment.  I'd like my husband to be left here.  We've made so many sacrifices already.  For three years we've had to put off trying to conceive because of training, hardship tour, deployment.  Now I'm just asking for this IVF cycle and pregnancy time if there is a pregnancy.  I'm not greedy.  I'd rather not bleed to death on the floor due to a miscarriage because no one is there to help me.

I'm all set otherwise.  I'll cope just like I always do.  I have my two grocery bags of hormone injections all stored away like they should be.  I have my huge plastic bag of needles and syringes next to the shelf stable medicines.  I'm good to go.  I know when and how to inject the medicines.  But yesterday we were told in the seminar that I'm not to give myself the daily progesterone injection but that my spouse has to give it to me.  So how the bloody hell am I to get that particular injection if he is deployed?

Who is going to write that letter?

Crafting My LIfe Away

Photo by me of my latest creation.  The other day my bestie, S, and I went to Shipwreck Beads where I purchased the components for J and a few beads for myself.

See I get lonely and listless which then if left unchecked will lead to depression.  I'm not a drinker, an impulse shopper, or an impulse eater so I fidget when J is away.  Maybe the fidgeting is helping me to lose weight as it is still coming off.

So with my spare time when I'm not cleaning or watering the lawn and garden I create.  Sometimes its food creations which I would share with my neighbors.  Most of my neighbors who were good friends are now gone.  Now I have to turn my creativity to other pursuits.  Back to beading, sewing, embroidery, knitting, crocheting, needlepoint and so on.  There isn't much I can't do and if I don't know how I'll learn.

Better view of the necklace, well I think.  The large drop stone is an Afghanistan Stone, with the blue sea quartz above it and Thai silver daisy beads in between the two large stones.  The main necklaces is composed of silver tubes, silver open work beads and taupe freshwater pearls.

I rather like this creation.  The large Afghanistan stone caught my eye and I just have to have it.  The stone has nice layers where over time it was compressed from the various sediment.  Life has layers, some good some bad and it rather suits me and the Army life.  I chose the Afghanistan stone because it was the only stone they had representing the Middle East that would meet my needs. Sure a ruby, emerald or even lapis lazuli could have worked too but this was the stone I chose.
 
The sea blue quartz is for the water that always has separated us each time he has gone.

The 12 taupe pearls represent the 12 moons he is normally gone.  12 months of tears.  12 months of trials.  Pearls are worn to shun evil influences.  They are also a symbol of purity and my love for him is pure.

A Wall Divides Us

Photo by me

Right now life for me is like this photograph.  The large path in front of me is blocked by a wall and I have to chose which set of stairs to take in order to get around that wall.  I'd love to blast my way through the stone wall but it is impenetrable to my devices, only he can remove parts of his wall. 

My vision leans more towards the right path.  I want to do the right thing.  I want to promote happiness in my marriage.  The wall is my husband's bad habits.  He could, if he wanted to, remove the stones and make a pathway.  For three years he's been building this fortified wall.  This wall of bad habits has kept many a person from getting close to him.  Now, after three years, he likes this wall.  It protects him.  I want the wall to go away, to disappear.  I'm not understanding of why that wall has to be there between us.  I'm not going to hurt him.

I realize that many a soldier builds similar walls so that they don't have to deal with the family while deployed.  Its better to concentrate on the mission without the distractions of family life.  The wall doesn't mean that they don't love us but it does mean that they refuse to see who we are when they don't want to deal with us.  They hide behind their wall.

So, like the above photo, I have to chose a path to get behind that wall.  He's worked hard at creating that wall and its not going to come down all by itself.  I have to magically get around it to help him remove a few blocks.  I can't expect him to remove all of them.  I know he'll deployed again.  He needs that wall.  But I need him too.

While he is home I need him to be there with me to experience love, joy, and the pain that life gives us.  Of late, I've been angry at him.  I hate his wall.  I don't want it to be there.  I'm at fault for not wanting to understand that its still needed there.  But he has made two paths to get behind that wall.  Now I just need to find the correct path.  I don't want to hurt him.  I can't baby him either as its not productive.  Recently I was not to act like the Drill Sgt nor to act like his mommy. He seems to respond to only one or the other.  I'm trying to be the lover, the wife, the best friend type but that wall looms over us.  Its not going to be easy and I'm not a pole vaulter by no means.

Other soldiers have walls that are one completely smooth surface, they let no one in and their relationships fail.  My guy has blocks.  He'll let me see through the chinks in the mortar from time to time.  Last night for two hours I got to see through a small crack.  He has happiness behind that wall.  His wall holds it in.  He also holds in check his rage.  I'm not sure how he can contain all those emotions that I so freely express.  I'd burst.