Monday, November 29, 2010

A Wall Divides Us

Photo by me

Right now life for me is like this photograph.  The large path in front of me is blocked by a wall and I have to chose which set of stairs to take in order to get around that wall.  I'd love to blast my way through the stone wall but it is impenetrable to my devices, only he can remove parts of his wall. 

My vision leans more towards the right path.  I want to do the right thing.  I want to promote happiness in my marriage.  The wall is my husband's bad habits.  He could, if he wanted to, remove the stones and make a pathway.  For three years he's been building this fortified wall.  This wall of bad habits has kept many a person from getting close to him.  Now, after three years, he likes this wall.  It protects him.  I want the wall to go away, to disappear.  I'm not understanding of why that wall has to be there between us.  I'm not going to hurt him.

I realize that many a soldier builds similar walls so that they don't have to deal with the family while deployed.  Its better to concentrate on the mission without the distractions of family life.  The wall doesn't mean that they don't love us but it does mean that they refuse to see who we are when they don't want to deal with us.  They hide behind their wall.

So, like the above photo, I have to chose a path to get behind that wall.  He's worked hard at creating that wall and its not going to come down all by itself.  I have to magically get around it to help him remove a few blocks.  I can't expect him to remove all of them.  I know he'll deployed again.  He needs that wall.  But I need him too.

While he is home I need him to be there with me to experience love, joy, and the pain that life gives us.  Of late, I've been angry at him.  I hate his wall.  I don't want it to be there.  I'm at fault for not wanting to understand that its still needed there.  But he has made two paths to get behind that wall.  Now I just need to find the correct path.  I don't want to hurt him.  I can't baby him either as its not productive.  Recently I was not to act like the Drill Sgt nor to act like his mommy. He seems to respond to only one or the other.  I'm trying to be the lover, the wife, the best friend type but that wall looms over us.  Its not going to be easy and I'm not a pole vaulter by no means.

Other soldiers have walls that are one completely smooth surface, they let no one in and their relationships fail.  My guy has blocks.  He'll let me see through the chinks in the mortar from time to time.  Last night for two hours I got to see through a small crack.  He has happiness behind that wall.  His wall holds it in.  He also holds in check his rage.  I'm not sure how he can contain all those emotions that I so freely express.  I'd burst.

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