Thursday, March 19, 2015

If This is Menopause

If this is menopause it sucks.

I used to wake up in cold sweats from the PTSD nightmares.  But now I wake up in cold sweats and have no energy to boot.

The weight gain.  WHY did no one warn me about the weight gain?  It is as though my thyroid medicine has been thrown in the trash and I'm back to square one but according to the labs the thryoid is functioning just fine.

I'm getting migraines and I'm on topamax.  I thought I had left behind me the world of migraines when I stopped doing all those wonderful hormones to get me pregnant.  Guess not.

So when Eily goes into her screaming fits, yes she has started that phase of life where she screams if she doesn't get what she wants, ALREADY!, my head pounds.  I told J to please come in from from the bbq last night that I couldn't take it any longer.  I was trying to sew together a sweater that I had crocheted her. The headache was bad enough, compounded with her screaming, I sewed a sleeve on inside out.  I just needed a break.  Today I'll sew the buttons on the sweater.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions on how we can find helpers to help out while I'm out of commission.  The truth is that the Army just doesn't pay enough for enlisted to afford even a mother's helper.  I know that Congress makes it look as though they pay the troops a lot of money but they don't.  If I was working they would still base day care costs off of the income we both make not just the soldier's income.  Kind of like welfare program with the sliding scale of fees.  If you make too much you fall through the cracks with your attempt to better yourself.  If you don't attempt to better yourself you can't make ends meet on what they give you to survive on either.  By no means am I trying to compare GI pay to Welfare as the soldiers work hard to get their pay!

One of my friends is a soldier and she pays out almost $600 a month in day care expenses.  That is almost a third of her income.  Crazy!  Then you have to figure in how she still has to buy food and clothing for her child and pay other bills out of the rest of that too besides food for herself.

Fully off the subject again as I can see.  Brain goes off tangent.  Yes well I need help with Eily.  But we can't afford it.  I have no energy.  I feel bad  that I can't run around and play with her.  Wishing I never had the damn surgery if I had known the recovery was going to take this damn long.  It still hurts to lift her. I still bleed every time I lift her.  Mind you the surgery was the 27th of January.  It seems like forever and ever long ago.

Today I go to the pain clinic and Monday I go back to the oncologist.  At least today I go pick up my Tens unit.  My old one died.  My new one is a co-pay of $80 but well worth it.  Hopefully Eily won't yank the cords off the thing while I'm wearing it if I have to pick her up.

Oh and I feel so guilty for having to put her in the play pen so often during the day.  I mean she is safe.  She has her toys.  I read to her.  She has room to move around.  I just feel like she is resenting me for not picking her up as often as she wants.  I pick her up for feeding, diaper changes and for naptimes which are done in her crib.

any advice?

1 comment:

  1. Ok as a disabled mom I'm going to say. DON'T feel bad!! Love her and do all that you can but don't push yourself for more! She WILL understand when she gets older she will. My kids are now 9 and 11 and they know there are some things mom just can't do for them. But yet I'm told daily that 'You are the best mom ever and I love you.' Don't hold onto this guilt.

    Also If menopause is anything like perimenopause? It DOES suck. I'm 30 and I'm 99% sure I'm in perimenopause.


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