Waiting on What Ifs

I had my day 5 Estradiol draw this morning at 0700hrs.  Now I have to wait for those results to see if my medicine routine will be changed up.  I'm thinking that its going to change a bit and I've got good reason to think along those lines.

I had my ultrasound at 0800 hrs.  Nurse M asked if I've had any pain.  I said some.  Scale of 1 to 10 its been a 4 or a 5.  I'm pretty good at tolerating pain with having Fibromyalgia.

I got on the scale.  I've lost according to their scale but according to mine I've gained back 1.2 of the 2.8 I lost this week.  So I was bummed out.  Nurse M said weight gain is to be expected with the ovaries swelling up.  Sure, sure, tell that to me all you want but I know that I failed myself.

Nurse M asked if I've been experiencing any of the side effects from the medicines.  Yup.  Headaches, nausea, bitchiness, lack of sleep but I've got it under the best of control I can with counseling, avoiding the television which increases the headaches, and venting when needed.

J held my hand during the scan.  He was nervous.  He has been really stressed for the past few weeks about this IVF cycle and other things like deployment issues.  Now for the results of the scan.  Um, well its not all that good.  Last week I had 8 antrals, potential follicles/eggs, now I have three on the left of which are ready to go now.  What do you mean you could do a retrieval now? 

Dr. C. said he could have an egg retrieval on Sunday for the 3 ripe follicles measuring over 20 mm in size.  But....yes there is always a but.  He then said that I have 4 potentials on the right that he'd rather wait for.  Another BUT....But he said the 3 on the left would be no good by then.  SO...we are most likely going to do an egg retrieval of the four, I hope like hell that the four are ready and good, on Wednesday.  I'm two days ahead of my IVF schedule.

I did tell them at the start of this IVF cycle that I ovulate early.  They said it wouldn't happen that way because I'm on regulated hormones.  I so wanted to shout, "I TOLD YOU SO!".  But of course I didn't say it.

Another BUT....things might still not go as planned for Wednesday.  I still have another scan on Monday and another blood draw.  If the follicle aren't ready or if I'm now down to say two, then my IVF will get cancelled.  I have to be prepared.

I have to also be a realist here.  Even with four follicles on the right and three on the left I might not get a quality egg.  I might find out there is nothing of sufficient quality to do the ICSI on.

I was chatting with my husband about all the "what ifs" on the ride home this morning.  I wonder if I'll get a refund if there are no embryos to transfer.  Do I get a refund if there are no quality eggs?  If so how much?  How long before we could do another IVF cycle?

Then there are the big hopes and what ifs.  What if this actually works but I miscarry?  I've miscarried twins before.  What if my eggs seem of good quality but then I produce a baby with an arm sprouting out of its scull?  Hey's its always a possibility, a scary one but still possible.

I need to relax and not think about all these possibilities.  I need to keep my blood pressure down.  It was good today at 135/82.  I have to keep it low enough or else the retrieval will get cancelled.

Bruised In More Ways Than One

I'm bruised.  Not just on my arm but its a starting point. 

Yesterday I had my Estradiol level drawn and the guy wasn't all that gentle.  Not only did he bruise me but he left a spider web of blown veins resulting in pretty purple lines on my arm.  I'm none too happy about it either.

My levels aren't what I was hoping for either.  My ego is now bruised.  I was hoping that even at my advanced age of 42 I would some how beat the odds.  No such luck.  My Day 3 Estradiol level was 82.  Anything above 80 means that my egg store is depleting.  Looks like this might just be my last try for a baby. 

I was hoping for another try next year, head in the clouds, after delivering a healthy baby next summer.  I can dream.  I can stay positive.

This is a 2 x 2 inch round bruise from one Lupron shot on my abdomen.  The other red dots are from other shots for this IVF cycle.

Funny how no one told me to expect bruising from the smallest needle.  Its a bloody insulin needle!  I would have thought that perhaps the needle from the Menopur would bruise me but no, the Lupron shot got me.

Luckily enough neither of the two bruises hurt.  The Menopur does sting when its injected but for me I'm able to tolerate it well enough.  Maybe all my fat helps?

Different subject here.  The cookies I made yesterday are the Oatmeal Scotchies recipe on the back of the Toll House morsels bag just substitute the butterscotch chips for the same amount of milk chocolate chips.  The soldiers at the COF love them or so I was told at lunch time by my husband.

Tonight I'm going to make No Chop Pastistio for dinner.  This means I need to get my duff off my computer chair and get started on making it pronto!  Its a delightful dish but there is a lot of messy prep work for that particular dish.

First IVF Scan

Well today was a bit of a busy day.  It was also a day of disappointments.

I'm waiting for a phone call to let me know if I'm allowed to go ahead with my stim shots this coming Monday or if they are going to halt this IVF cycle.

Yesterday was my cardiology appointment.  I'm all in the clear with them.  Even though my EKG showed some abnormal it was within limits.  My labetalol dosage is now doubled to keep my blood pressure under better control.  I'm ready.

But maybe my ovaries aren't so ready.  I had my estradiol blood work done promptly at 0715 hrs.  I was there at the laboratory at 0658 hrs pulling a tab for my number to get called.  I had real hopes, until the scan.

0800 hrs and I'm sitting in the waiting room at the REI office.  My appointment is now but I'm still waiting to get called back.  I'm anxious.  I want to see if the endometriomas are gone.  I'm frustrated because I'm bleeding and I'm not sure that I'm supposed to be.

0820 hrs.  Finally I'm in the exam room.  Of course they stick me in the smallest one this time.  What did I do to deserve the small room?  Only one patient was before me and I know darn well that there are three big rooms with private bathrooms so why do I get the smallest one without a bathroom?

0840 hrs.  I'm cold sitting here on the exam table, wearing a paper sheet covering my lower half and just a thin silk shirt on the upper half.  Where is my doctor?

5 minutes later he finally shows up.  Then the bad news starts.

I'm supposed to have a bleed this week so that is all fine and dandy.  I have four follicles on the right ovary.  I have four follicles on the left ovary.  Well that's a start.  Not bad for a chic my age.  But wait is that a cyst we see?  NOOOOOO!  I tried to tell the doctor its right where the other endometrioma was but he says it looks more fluid filled unlike the one next to it with the shadow in it.

Okay so what now.  I'm told that this cycle might not happen.  I have to wait for the results of the blood test now.

I'm bummed.

In about an hour I'll know if I can go ahead with the stimulation shots or not.  If not where do we go from here?  I've taken 11 Lupron injections.  I want to have an egg retrieval but its not my decision.  If my estradiol level is below 50 then I'm good to go but just how far below 50 is allowable?  If I'm at 49 will they still allow it?

Yes, now I sit here and wait for the phone to ring.  Now I wonder if I'll get to graduate to the next shots.  Pitiful.

 *****NEWS FLASH****

Just got word from the REI clinic and its good.  My estradiol level was only 32!  I can start the stim shots on Monday as previous planned.  Woo hoo! 

Odd how excited a person can get about getting shots. I'm sure most IF peeps can understand the excitement.