Friday, October 14, 2011
Waiting on What Ifs
I had my ultrasound at 0800 hrs. Nurse M asked if I've had any pain. I said some. Scale of 1 to 10 its been a 4 or a 5. I'm pretty good at tolerating pain with having Fibromyalgia.
I got on the scale. I've lost according to their scale but according to mine I've gained back 1.2 of the 2.8 I lost this week. So I was bummed out. Nurse M said weight gain is to be expected with the ovaries swelling up. Sure, sure, tell that to me all you want but I know that I failed myself.
Nurse M asked if I've been experiencing any of the side effects from the medicines. Yup. Headaches, nausea, bitchiness, lack of sleep but I've got it under the best of control I can with counseling, avoiding the television which increases the headaches, and venting when needed.
J held my hand during the scan. He was nervous. He has been really stressed for the past few weeks about this IVF cycle and other things like deployment issues. Now for the results of the scan. Um, well its not all that good. Last week I had 8 antrals, potential follicles/eggs, now I have three on the left of which are ready to go now. What do you mean you could do a retrieval now?
Dr. C. said he could have an egg retrieval on Sunday for the 3 ripe follicles measuring over 20 mm in size. But....yes there is always a but. He then said that I have 4 potentials on the right that he'd rather wait for. Another BUT....But he said the 3 on the left would be no good by then. SO...we are most likely going to do an egg retrieval of the four, I hope like hell that the four are ready and good, on Wednesday. I'm two days ahead of my IVF schedule.
I did tell them at the start of this IVF cycle that I ovulate early. They said it wouldn't happen that way because I'm on regulated hormones. I so wanted to shout, "I TOLD YOU SO!". But of course I didn't say it.
Another BUT....things might still not go as planned for Wednesday. I still have another scan on Monday and another blood draw. If the follicle aren't ready or if I'm now down to say two, then my IVF will get cancelled. I have to be prepared.
I have to also be a realist here. Even with four follicles on the right and three on the left I might not get a quality egg. I might find out there is nothing of sufficient quality to do the ICSI on.
I was chatting with my husband about all the "what ifs" on the ride home this morning. I wonder if I'll get a refund if there are no embryos to transfer. Do I get a refund if there are no quality eggs? If so how much? How long before we could do another IVF cycle?
Then there are the big hopes and what ifs. What if this actually works but I miscarry? I've miscarried twins before. What if my eggs seem of good quality but then I produce a baby with an arm sprouting out of its scull? Hey's its always a possibility, a scary one but still possible.
I need to relax and not think about all these possibilities. I need to keep my blood pressure down. It was good today at 135/82. I have to keep it low enough or else the retrieval will get cancelled.