Taking Joy In Someone's Pain

Yup that's me right now.  I'm as angry as a bear that had something taken from it.

I'm having a double dose of reality.  I don't want to fully disclose everything and I certainly won't name names here but I can tell you that people are really disappointing me.

Some of you that follow my blog closely know that I don't have a good relationship with my parents.  Its true they aren't my favorite people nor the parents I always wanted and they are the source of my borderline personality disorder.

But when I need to verify facts within the family I still need to call them.  A cousin of mine, I grew up next door to her mom, recently lost her grandfather and her father within a few days of each other.  I called my parents to verify the facts.  I used to do genealogy and I should probably update my files now.

I'm pissed because my own father thought it was funny.  Yes, he was laughing at the posting about the deaths.  He'd probably now deny it to save face and Mom would back him up.  He's known for at least a day.  I told my mom that Dad is one sick son of a bitch and he'd better watch his karma for his reactions to these deaths.  His health isn't all that good.  He shouldn't be laughing at the demise of others.  Really he should be making amends like the good Roman Catholic he was brought up to be.  Wait a minute, is there really such a thing?  I think my father is perhaps on the other end of the scale there and he cultivates anger in others.

I know, I know, honor thy father and mother.  But when does that apply?  When they go too far they need to be reminded to not be so harsh about the feelings of other.

All I can say is for the sake of the grown children left behind, who are now fatherless, you'd think that my father, their uncle, would be offering condolences.

Oh and if any of my family is reading this, well seriously what you put out there comes back to haunt you.  You know quite well how I feel about your response with this matter.  I've told you on the phone too.

Yes, I've known other people that are just as twisted to find joy in the sorrow of others.  Yes there are plenty of them out there on Earth.  Those that take joy in the loss of someone's pregnancy, their loss of their home, or hard earned wealth.  I find it disgusting to say the least when someone takes joy in the pain of others.

Roller Coaster Ride

The LH surge has disappeared and my mood has changed again.  Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist today.  This is the first appointment since losing the embryo earlier this month.  She has no clue what is going on and I wish I hadn't had to of  waited so long to get in to talk to her.  But at least I still have an appointment.  J was lucky enough to be seen by an Army counselor the very next day after we got our beta results.  I, however, had to wait.

I'm angry again.  I'm unable to console friends right now.  Yesterday yes, today no. 

I broke something over the weekend.  Its small but very important.  I got angry.  I hated the little object.  Its out for repairs now.  It was never something that I picked out for myself.  No it was something I felt was forced upon me to always have and it wasn't my choice.  So after its fixed I'll have it back in my possession once again.  Hopefully I won't get so angry again as to break it once more. 

I'm depressed.  I've gained three pounds this month.  Yes, three pounds might not seem like a lot to most of you but when I'm half way to my next goal and I gain three pounds back its a lot.  Add to the insult that I was still "pregnant" when I weighed less it makes me angry and depressed.  So today I put on my tightest jeans and I'm sucking in the discomfort.  It will remind me that I have a goal.  It will remind me to not over eat, well I hope at least.  I don't really know where I over ate in the past two weeks but some how I did.  Two donuts over two day?  One slice of pizza?  Yes, I've been good.  I have no clue how or why it just decided to come back to my mid section but it did.  So its depressing me.

Last night I went from horny to harpy in just a few hours.  Sure I've done it faster before but still I don't like it when it does happen.  I could blame it on the borderline personality disorder  but in the end I'm still responsible for my own mindfulness.  I shouldn't let my emotions bleed out the way I can and sometimes do.

Because I know that this roller coaster of emotions is triggered by the loss of the embryo and most likely trying to conceive again too soon without healing properly in-between, I can identify from an outsider's point of view what to expect.  I'm going to chug back up to the top of that roller coaster with all I've got and try to stay there as long as possible looking for the straightaway.  I have to.  I have no choice.