Thursday, November 17, 2011

Roller Coaster Ride

The LH surge has disappeared and my mood has changed again.  Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist today.  This is the first appointment since losing the embryo earlier this month.  She has no clue what is going on and I wish I hadn't had to of  waited so long to get in to talk to her.  But at least I still have an appointment.  J was lucky enough to be seen by an Army counselor the very next day after we got our beta results.  I, however, had to wait.

I'm angry again.  I'm unable to console friends right now.  Yesterday yes, today no. 

I broke something over the weekend.  Its small but very important.  I got angry.  I hated the little object.  Its out for repairs now.  It was never something that I picked out for myself.  No it was something I felt was forced upon me to always have and it wasn't my choice.  So after its fixed I'll have it back in my possession once again.  Hopefully I won't get so angry again as to break it once more. 

I'm depressed.  I've gained three pounds this month.  Yes, three pounds might not seem like a lot to most of you but when I'm half way to my next goal and I gain three pounds back its a lot.  Add to the insult that I was still "pregnant" when I weighed less it makes me angry and depressed.  So today I put on my tightest jeans and I'm sucking in the discomfort.  It will remind me that I have a goal.  It will remind me to not over eat, well I hope at least.  I don't really know where I over ate in the past two weeks but some how I did.  Two donuts over two day?  One slice of pizza?  Yes, I've been good.  I have no clue how or why it just decided to come back to my mid section but it did.  So its depressing me.

Last night I went from horny to harpy in just a few hours.  Sure I've done it faster before but still I don't like it when it does happen.  I could blame it on the borderline personality disorder  but in the end I'm still responsible for my own mindfulness.  I shouldn't let my emotions bleed out the way I can and sometimes do.

Because I know that this roller coaster of emotions is triggered by the loss of the embryo and most likely trying to conceive again too soon without healing properly in-between, I can identify from an outsider's point of view what to expect.  I'm going to chug back up to the top of that roller coaster with all I've got and try to stay there as long as possible looking for the straightaway.  I have to.  I have no choice.


  1. Hang in there. I'm thinking of you. Hugs!

  2. Rebecca--sending you a hug. Cut yourself some slack these days, ok? I actually weigh more now than I did when I was last pregnant, too--not cool!


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